Herpes diagnosis and I'm devasted please help me understand

[Maymay898]

I'm going to try make this as short as possible.

I was with now ex for 10 years. I have been faithful he has cheated and also slept with someone while we had a short split.

I get recurrent thrush vaginal ezcema and recurrent bv it's one big recurrent mess. Last week weds I went docs after what I thought was a bad case of thrush ezcema flare up wasn't going away. I hadn't looked down there at this point. Anyway she said she was going to swabs for herpes and I nearly fell off the table. I was gobsmacked to say the least. She gave me thrush meds and steroid cream and sent me on my way. However I could not shake that word herpes. I didn't mention to then dp that she was swabbing for herpes but I did ask if he was doing anything again to which he ended out relationship as he didn't want to be accused continually through our rship. Now up until the point of his reaction I had no reason to doubt him and trusted him fully but his reaction stunned me. The next day I was having a breakdown and called docs and asked if she thought it was herpes as I was devasted. I was a wreck constantly crying in the supermarkets on school runs etc just generally a mess. She tries to reassure me it wa just precautions but it didn't help.

These past few days the symptoms have got worse they look like herpes. Walks like a duck quacks like a duck and all that. So I have herpes and I'm devasted. My now ex is being supportive and after a fair few breakdowns and his initial defensive reaction and possible explanations of to how I have it such as an ulcer in my mouth causing it or shaking hands with someone who has it and touching myself etc he finally accepted some accountability that it could have been him that gave it to me. I know it can lay dormant and by no way was I blaming him I just needed him to admit that there was a chance it was him and to understand why I felt that way.

It's been days I should get official results today but like I said about the duck and all that I'm absolutely devasted I can't sleep I've gone from 78. 9 kg to 73.8kg I physically feel sick when I eat I feel sick when I think I feel so drained my mental health is just going downhill I'm in pain my period also started on Thurs last week so didn't help either. I have spoken to work counselling services and have booked off work as I cannot concentrate.

I know it's common I know people have it but I am just sooo depressed we were literally planning our 10yr anniversary and I got such a shocking present. I already have a messy vagina I can't even begin to think about being with someone again I'm so ashamed of myself.

Aibu for feeling this way? Some people have said ny reaction is over the top but I don't understand how I'm meant to act with this devastating revelation. 20 pages later sorry guys I just don't have anyone to talk to as I am too embarrassed to tell anyone. I have children and I'm so afraid that one day I'll have to teach them about safe sex etc while I have this incurable std myself.

I am sorry you feel so awful and I understand your shock completely, but honestly you do not necessarily have herpes.
I had "a messy vagina" for ages. sometimes you get into a cycle where things don't clear up, there are so many subtleties and sensitivities that if you use certain treatments they can then exacerbate other things, etc. It can feel endless. I was given a herpes test and was as horrified as you, tears at work etc. I asked my then-boyfriend and he assumed I had been unfaithful to him, and had potentially given him herpes, and was really, really horrible to me.

Anyway. It wasn't herpes. He was a horrible boyfriend and I dumped him. Everything cleared up; I found out about mooncups which massively decreased the monthly irritation and I think that helped, along with other lifestyle changes. (maybe including dumping the boyf)

I'm sorry things are so shit right now. It will get better. Whether you have herpes or not (fwiw my money is on not) you will find a way to gradually sort yourself out down there and you will feel a lot better when you're not constantly uncomfortable. It really takes it out of you feeling that like that all the time, and in normal life you can't talk about it so you are constantly grinning and bearing it.

Good luck. Sensitive fanjos are very little understood by HCPs, imo, but you will learn to sort yours out.

The fact that you’ve had thrush several times in the last few months, it is good that you’ve gone and had a swab to see what exactly is going on. I think you will find that most women have had to visit the clinic more than once in adulthood. It’s best to get it checked and get the right medication for this condition. Good luck and don’t worry, you’ve done the hard part getting tested.

There is no need to feel upset if you have herpes, OP, the majority of humans do. People who get cold sores have herpes and you can get hsv1 or hsv2 on any part of your body. The most upsetting part about having herpes is the ignorant social stigma attached to it, but don’t let ignorance define you

To add, most people who have herpes will never in their life develop physical symptoms that they are carrying the virus, so it’s likely that everyone around you has at least one strain of it but simply don’t realise

There is a very recent podcast by This Podcast Will Kill You about Herpes. Please listen. It will really help you understand the mechanisms of it and treatments.

I don't think your breakdowns (which are quite wow and you really need to speak to someone) are about the herpes itself considering you don't even know if you have it.

It's about your "relationship". Just look at it.

OP you sound so down on yourself. Your health problems are not your fault and although they are private, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Be kind to yourself. Imagine a friend or family member has confided to you that they have these issues and think how you would treat them.

Is your GP sympathetic? Can you ask for a referral to a private gynaecologist? I'm sure if you had several different recurring problems with your ear you would be pushing for better treatment. I know that I have in the past not pursued treatment I needed for "fanjo issues" because of feeling embarrassed. But we deserve better. Change GP if you need to.

I completely understand your upset at this but I do think you need to wait for the results.
Earlier this year I had awful symptoms down below, sore, itchy, would get swollen, I had an open sore too.
I got tested for everything imaginable and like you I was taken aback with them saying they are swabbing for herpes.
All of my tests came back negative and they said it could be irritation that started from me shaving and then got worse, she also suggested eczema that I had itched and caught the skin. They said they could refer me on to an expert but as it went down quickly after that and no flare up since plus covid hit I have decided to leave it and see what happens.

You may or may not have herpes but I would wait for the result to deal with it rather than get hysterical at the thought. Good luck

Definitely push for a referral, I had recurrent ‘thrush’ which turned out to be sebhorrheic dermatitis. Proper treatment and it’s completely cleared up.

@Maymay898 I recently saw a private dermatologist as I have recurrent skin problems on my shoulders/tummy/elbows/knees/ears/scalp (I have mild psoriasis, get mild eczema). Nothing outrageous but just annoyingly persistent if that makes sense. Has only ever needed strong medication like once every 4 years.

She swabbed my rashes for herpes (on my shoulder) and to be my great horror, it came back positive. She said she is seeing more and more people testing positive for herpes when they have underlying skin conditions. Apparently the underlying condition (like your eczema) leaves your skin condition more susceptible to viruses like this so she now regularly tests people who see her.

I have never had a rash on my vagina but it sounds like I am lucky. She said they are seeing more skin rashes (on the body) with HSV2 which was quite rare before and more vaginal rashes with HSV1 as well as HSV2.

I know it's a horrible feeling as it's a lifelong condition but I agree with @AlternateName, please push to get it sorted as medication will help. I had to go and see a private dermatologist to get it sorted out!

Herpes VS1 (cold sores) can be passed via oral sex and present as genital herpes. It’s rare but it does happen

Yes, I got it this way.

Swab confirmed was type 1.

Dr sounded relatively surprised that I was correct in thinking it was from oral sex but I don't know that how rare or not it is.

It's unlikely it's from oral/type 1 though .. unless you're receiving lots oral sex from someone inclined to cold sores. In my case my ex also had a beard which could have obscured a budding cold sore.

It broke out soon after the oral sex.

Thing is, as the poster above said .. it dud not recur. Not once so far.

Aside from the question mark over whether you have herpes, which you may not, if you may have difficulty getting clarity on ... Your partner sounds like a bastard.

Hi OP I can’t comment from personal experience but I have friends who’ve been diagnosed with herpes - one friend had a quite unpleasant outbreak to start off with, she took medication for it and has had nothing since then. This was around 2015 - it has absolutely no impact on her daily life, she was a bit pissed off when she first caught it but aside from that it hasn’t been an issue at all.

I hope you’re feeling better soon, as other posters have said it’s incredibly common

OP, I’m not surprised you are feeling like you are. I’d be scared, furious, devastated and a whole lot of other things too. If it is herpes then I’m sure it will be alright. You will come to terms with it and it will just be what it is but you aren’t wrong to be gutted about it now.

OP

I don't have much to add but I empathise, OP. For the ex partner and also for the possible diagnosis. I know it's very common but I'm sure it's still a shock to catch it when you've been in a long term relationship. I'm sorry.

OP, I can understand why you're devastated, but get yourself on Acyclovir - it's made such a difference to DP's facial herpes - from one major attack a year to minor ones every 3 or so. He's on a maintenance dose every day, then it's upped if he feels an attack might be coming, and it dramatically shortens the attack (along with the lysine ibuprofen to bring down the swelling).

He's had it since he was a teenager, and I've been with him 20 years, we have 2 kids, and he's not passed it to any of us, due to the anti-viral he takes, and being very careful during an attack.

It's not great, but it doesn't have to be dreaded either, it's so manageable these days.

I was once actually told I had gonnorhea (sp) after a visit to a sexual health clinic - cue two weeks of anxiety, crying, having to tell my new partner, contacting recent partners (cringe) to then suddenly get a text saying my results were all clear.... After going back to the clinic I was told the nurse was convinced I had it but should have waited for the actual results. I understand your panic and confusion but please wait for your test results first before putting yourself through this, and then get them double checked before you move forward.

Oh op. I totally understand why you are concerned but could they just be doing a test for it to rule it out? Slightly different but few years ago I was bleeding when I shouldn't be. Doctors ordered me to get tested for stis before they'd even consider doing a smear or a scan. I explained to them I had only been with one person for the last 8 years but they insisted I had to have tests done before they do smears etc. Tests came back fine btw! 🌸

and also don't be ashamed. For all you know he had it when he came into the relationship with you. He doesn't sound v shocked so it's likely he knew he had it already (if he did/does).

it can lay dormant for years, in fact a lot of people only ever have one outbreak but it's always in their system

Thank you all for the messages.

I have not got the results still but I've spoken with my doctor and she agrees that maybe the issues I have are much deeper than the 'possible' herpes diagnosis but she did sound rather bleak when I told her the symptoms.

I am still really struggling with pain in the area its hard to walk etc and my period isn't helping at all.

I am pretty sure she swabbed correctly as she got pretty deep in the sores I almost cried sorry for the detail.

I am honestly still really struggling I will give the podcast a listen and hope it will calm my anxiety even a bit.

@Buggedandconfused

Herpes VS1 (cold sores) can be passed via oral sex and present as genital herpes. It’s rare but it does happen.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.health.com/condition/herpes-simplex/herpes-simplex-virus%3famp=true

If you do get the test back and it says VS1 it means it has more than likely at some point come from oral herpes and can also be transmitted via hands (But more than likely oral sex) if they have just touched a cold sore.

VS1 genitally is much less potent and outbreaks are less often and less severe after the initial outbreak.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. But if you do have it both VS1 and VS2 are extremely manageable and indeed many people do have the virus. My friend who has VS1 genitally only has one outbreak a year and it’s hardly noticeable with drugs taken at the time.

VS2 you may get up to 4 outbreaks a year, but again after the first outbreak they are less severe and very quick to respond to medication.

I wish schools would teach that VS1 oral herpes can be transmitted via oral sex and fingers to the genitals as it’s becoming quite common.

This has just made me cry. I got ulcers from my boyfriend (fingers/coldsor on his mouth I didn't realise he had) when I was sixteen and and hadn't slept with anyone as an adult (I experienced SA in childhood, but hadn'tdisclosed it to another living soul at this point). The doctor who examined me refused to believe I wasn't having PIV sex and told me I clearly wasn't a virgin.

If I could write a 25yr backdated complaint, I would.

I've never experienced symptoms since, and keep getting different answers from health professionals when I ask about whether I still have it/am be a transmitter.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, OP.

@CatSmith

You don’t do oral sex, but seems your ex did....with some dirty tramp too

Calling someone who has heroes a dirty tramp is hardly sympathetic is it ?
There but for the grace off ...... comes to mind.

Herpes not heroes !

@CatSmith

You don’t do oral sex, but seems your ex did....with some dirty tramp too.

I’m sorry, it’s devastating, but you really shouldn’t have given a cheat a second chance!

What a massively ignorant post.

A PP was correct when they said that u less you were both virgins when you got together (even though it was ten years ago) either of you could have already had it and it’s been dormant. So you could have given it to him but he has no symptoms.

You sound very down in general at the moment, so that would be a perfect time for the dormant virus to overwhelm your immune system.

I bet a good percentage of those posting here have it.

I have. Had a first flare up about three weeks ago. No idea where it came from as have been in a totally monogamous relationship for over 18 months. Thankfully we are both able to accept that since neither of us were virgins when we met either one of us could have unknowingly been carrying it for years.

For context at mid forties I have only ever had three sexual partners. Am I a skank?