To want a firm plan?

[CatchyCatchy]

Please be kind as it’s my first post. This is a reach out from a tired mummy who is genuinely unsure whether her current rage is tiredness and hormones or actually justified. I’m open to either suggestion!

Yesterday I agreed that I would this evening run my partner into town around 7 for ‘a few drinks’ and he would get a lift home later.

I had a MANIC day at work, walked in exhausted at 5.30... three year old is asleep. That’s bedtime blown. No food ready. He’s expecting me to drive him into town around six. Without food. With an angry, half asleep three year old. Who then won’t go back to sleep. I am exhausted to the point of feeling achey.

So he goes off in his own car (which he will leave) with ‘arsehole’ ringing in his ears as he hadn’t bothered to feed me (he said he was eating at home, as well) and left me with a danger nap child.

The first point at which I was possibly unreasonable.

Then at 11ish I decide to message to see if he’s decided to stay out (it’s not unheard of for him to do so unannounced). Silence. From him. From all his friends. We live very rurally and I struggle to sleep if he’s not here. Child finally went down around 9.30 (after announcing he hadn’t been given any dinner).

Around 1am I get a message to confirm he’s staying out. Which means the cheap night probably became an expensive night. And had I not stayed up to receive this news I’d have just woken up to find him not here. And being a worrier I’ve already run through a few ‘what ifs’ by now.

I shoot back ‘nice of you to let me know. Eventually’.

Tomorrow I’ll be asked why I am / was grumpy and I can either play it down or explain how every plan seemed to change.

Thing is, in the flow of a good night out, that can happen. Am I guilty of it, sometimes? Yep. Would I have had his dinner ready if I was getting ready to go out? Can’t hand on heart say I would...

So why am I so angry / emotional right now? I think I’m possibly being unreasonable 😬

You’re being unreasonable. Judging by ”he hadn’t bothered to feed me” you also sound like a complete princess.

Silence. From him. From all his friends

Did you actually contact his friends?! He was only out for four hours at that stage. Do you always do that? It’s very controlling. I would be seriously pissed off with my husband if he contacted my friends if I didn’t response to him fast enough for his liking.

Poor guy. I think I know why he didn’t want to go home.

He absolutely should have fed the little one but do you really eat at 5.30? I would have just ordered a takeaway.

And the 'I can't sleep without partner' line really gets my back up because I find it manipulative.

Okay... interesting take on it! Slightly personal.

I’d been at work all day so some food would have been nice... especially as I’d told him earlier in the day it had been a tough one. I’ve never considered myself a princess before but perhaps I am 🤔 Sorting some food for the three year old isn’t too much to ask though, no?

I did message my friend’s husband who was out with him, yes... they’d initially said they wouldn’t be out late so I did start to worry when I didn’t know what was happening. That does make it sound like my problem though.

That said, I don’t think I would be pissed off if I was out and he messaged my friend to see if I was staying out the night or coming home.

I’m really trying to see if from his point of view... I just feel messed about.

Really? We are very rural here... it’s dark and there is no one around and we have a lot of rural crime. I’m fine until the security lights start going off and then I become a bit jumpy.

Sadly no takeaways deliver out here.

I wouldn’t normally eat at that time but I’d agreed to drop him into town at 7... I got home to find him about ready to leave so no opportunity for myself or my son to eat before taking him into town.

Vodselfordinner, I really think you’re being harsh. This is a vent from a very tired woman who obviously left looking after the child and the house to her other half, who was definitely thoughtless. She has then been left with dinner to prepare and clean up after, an overtired, no nap three year old and bedtime to do. Then, knowing I guess, that she finds it hard to sleep if she isn’t sure if/ when he’s coming home, he can’t be bothered to text her back for hours. Really inconsiderate. I’d be annoyed too.

Vodselfordinner, I really think you’re being harsh

That’s fine.

You think I’m being harsh.

I think the OP is being ridiculous and unreasonable.

I'm on your side op.

He expected you to walk in front work and immediately take him out, he'd been home but hadn't feed the little one and had met them sleep so late. He was eating at home but couldn't be bothered to make you up some to reheat, or messages to see if you needed to eat before leaving so he could adjust his plans.

So, when he asks if point out

He made his life easier by letting dc sleep, knowing it would fall on you and make your night harder. If he doesn't know this, he doesn't do enough caring for the child. He also didn't feed them because they were asleep when it was his job

He had said 7 originally then when you walked in he suddenly decided he wanted to go out earlier, giving you no chance to gather yourself, sort out the sleeping cold or feed them. Had you taken him as requested, what time would you have got back and then had to stay showing food for you both?

I'd leave out your annoyance re your food.

Having said he was coming home early, he didn't bother to tell you when he changed his mind. A text saying "don't wait up" would have been sufficient but to just ignore the fact he'd led you to expect him at X and then hadn't shown up or replied is at worst nasty and at best ignorant.

Thank you.

I’m amused at being called a princess because that’s the first time that word has ever been used to describe me. I’m generally very easy going. I possibly didn’t phrase my post very well in places. Had I put ‘he had laid on the sofa napping all afternoon rather than making any plans for dinner’ it might have come across differently. And I’m totally fine with making my own but he wanted me to go out at dinner time. I should add it’s the best part of a 45 minute round trip into town and back.

And yes I do sometimes have to suck it up and sleep alone if I know he’s staying out / away with work. But I’m prepared... I double check everything before bed... I know that if I hear something irregular, it’s not him. I have my phone ready in case I need it.

It doesn’t help that one of the few times he was away on a work trip, happened to be when the garage door was forced open. We don’t have neighbours overlooking us... it’s dark open fields. Usually my idea of heaven... not after watching anything scary on TV, though 😂

Right. You sound very tired and like you a d your partner communicate really badly. If you're working and he wants you to come home then run him to the pub you should BOTH discuss how this would work - who is cooking tea for all 3 of you and what naps your 3 year old is gonna have etc. Not difficult, and very very normal.
However. If my partner went out and had asked me to com fetch him late on (with all the faffing about that took) from the pub then just decided to stay out all night without so much as a text to let me know I'd be fucking raging

Why was your 3 year old asleep at that time? Like, an uber late nap?

I would have expected the 3 year old to have been fed, preferably in pyjamas, so an easy quick turn around for you to come home, eat dîner, then drop him off in town.

No way would I have woken the child up, he should have got a taxi

He was meant to get a lift back in fairness so it was more the will be rock up at some point or won’t he, side of it.

Generally, we communicate quite nicely, but we are not good at clarifying specifics, for sure! Now you say it like that, it wouldn’t have taken much for me to explicitly ask him to have some dinner ready, rather than assume he would. I think if I take anything from this it’s that I should discuss plans very explicitly and make no assumptions.

It’s just the fact that he tells me one thing and then a mate messages and it’s all gone out of the window ☹️

I think you lost any high ground when you called (shouted?) him an arsehole as he walked out. I'd not respond to Mr Noodle with any promptness if he did that to me.

Why do you live rural if its so scary for you? That's your problem, not his.

It was a slight exaggeration; I said it to his face on discovering he hadn’t given a scrap of thought as to what me and my son my eat before driving him around. It still wasn’t very pleasant of me, agreed.

There are many, many reasons why we live rurally. As I said in the above post, if I know he’s not coming home I will spend time double checking locks, the garage, etc and ensure I have my phone handy. As I said above, the garage door WAS forced open of all times, while he was abroad with work.

I think not feeding the child is totally selfish and thoughtless but being pissed off that he's not cooked for all of you is abit much, the round trip is just 45 minutes, hardly hours on the road, also if it was me I'd pick up a take away on the way home and treat myself to something nice. I honestly cannot understand people who don't let their partner go out with their mates without being harassed about when they're coming home. Leave them to it, after a few drinks even they're not sure of the plans. I live rurally and still don't harass my husband about his return home. He's a big boy that can look after himself, I am a big girl who can cope with being home alone. Cannot believe you texted his mate. How embarrassing, are you his partner or his mum!!!

I’m amazed that not knowing whether or not they’re likely to be home in the morning is considered okay. I don’t think he would be happy if I just wasn’t there in the morning and hadn’t given him a heads up.

I wasn’t bothered about WHEN he was coming home... I wanted to know IF he was coming home.

I'd definitely expect DH to text when/if he was coming home. It's 2 seconds

Could you get a dog?

I wasn’t bothered about WHEN he was coming home... I wanted to know IF he was coming home

But what made you think he might not be coming home? It was only 11pm.

It’s quite common for him to tell me he will come home and then not come home.

Which is fine but I’d just prefer to know.

I know, I know... obvious answer... just ASSUME he isn’t, based on previous.

Susannahmoody we do have a dog but he would like an intruder to death 🙄

*lick

If you're scared to sleep in your own home, you need to move. And if a man expected his dinner on the table at 5.30 sharp before his wife could go out for the evening, there would be uproar.
As for phoning his friends to check up on him, I wouldn't have too much sympathy if he's currently wrapped around the nearest waitress just to prove he's not hen-pecked.

@CatchyCatchy did he say why he hadnt fed your child? Presumably as they were asleep. You can feed yourself.

You'd have gone around double checking the locks regardless of whether he was there or not, surely? Him being there doesn't make it any more inherently safe from invasion.

If Mr Noodle goes out for the night I might see him, I might not until the morning. It makes no difference to me if he comes home at 11pm, 1am or 7am.

I have an ex like this. Every time I went out he’d find something to moan about, something I hadn’t done first, a reason I was being selfish or thoughtless. Resented giving me lifts. He’d orchestrate an argument before I went out. I too took to just ignoring him and his sarcastic/passive aggressive texts, then finally got rid.

If any partner text my friends to check up on me, they would be instantly binned. I’d be absolutely mortified.

Messaging his mate when he hasn't replied within a few hours really isn't on. It's controlling and inappropriate. I think you're being totally unreasonable on all counts.

I really think some points are being missed... he hadn’t fed our son because he’d let him have ‘a nap’ at around 5... leaving me with a wired child for the evening. I’m happy to feed myself but was expected to drop him in town at 6, rather than 7 as agreed, meaning I would have to wake napping child, drop him in town, come home with wired child and then start prepping food after a fairly gruelling 9 hours at work.

I think if you and your husband have that agreement that’s great but I wouldn’t stay out all night without letting him know that’s what I was doing as I KNOW he would worry as we DON’T have that agreement. Therefore, when I’ve stayed out last minute, I’ve let him know.