To want a firm plan?

[CatchyCatchy]

Please be kind as it’s my first post. This is a reach out from a tired mummy who is genuinely unsure whether her current rage is tiredness and hormones or actually justified. I’m open to either suggestion!

Yesterday I agreed that I would this evening run my partner into town around 7 for ‘a few drinks’ and he would get a lift home later.

I had a MANIC day at work, walked in exhausted at 5.30... three year old is asleep. That’s bedtime blown. No food ready. He’s expecting me to drive him into town around six. Without food. With an angry, half asleep three year old. Who then won’t go back to sleep. I am exhausted to the point of feeling achey.

So he goes off in his own car (which he will leave) with ‘arsehole’ ringing in his ears as he hadn’t bothered to feed me (he said he was eating at home, as well) and left me with a danger nap child.

The first point at which I was possibly unreasonable.

Then at 11ish I decide to message to see if he’s decided to stay out (it’s not unheard of for him to do so unannounced). Silence. From him. From all his friends. We live very rurally and I struggle to sleep if he’s not here. Child finally went down around 9.30 (after announcing he hadn’t been given any dinner).

Around 1am I get a message to confirm he’s staying out. Which means the cheap night probably became an expensive night. And had I not stayed up to receive this news I’d have just woken up to find him not here. And being a worrier I’ve already run through a few ‘what ifs’ by now.

I shoot back ‘nice of you to let me know. Eventually’.

Tomorrow I’ll be asked why I am / was grumpy and I can either play it down or explain how every plan seemed to change.

Thing is, in the flow of a good night out, that can happen. Am I guilty of it, sometimes? Yep. Would I have had his dinner ready if I was getting ready to go out? Can’t hand on heart say I would...

So why am I so angry / emotional right now? I think I’m possibly being unreasonable 😬

He should've fed the child and not allowed a nap that late as he wasn't going to be the one dealing with the consequences of that and you'd been at work all day. I wouldn't expect dinner that early for myself, if he was to be in town for seven you would've been home before half past, plenty of time to feed yourself or pick something up on the way home. I wouldn't text my husband's friend to ask if he was coming home or not, because as an adult with a child DH knows in advance whether he is coming home or not and communicates that with me, unless there was an emergency/crisis like when he even up taking his friend to A&E after someone dropped a wine bottle and a bit of it went in his friend's eye, DH text and let me know what had happened.
So yes I'd be annoyed as he didn't take care of your child appropriately, and he didn't communicate what his plans were and he Lazer around on the sofa all afternoon, HIBU for that. YABU for saying you can't sleep without him there, shouting that he's an arsehole especially while your child is in the house and making a scene by contacting his friend, you weren't worried (something I've actually heard a lot of DA perps say when they are challenged on why their partner needs to check in all the time etc), you were angry.

Neither of you has covered yourself in glory, and honestly it sounds like you don't like him very much.

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@User43210 I think it depends how often and how easily they can get back. I could stay out till 3 and easily get a cab back on my own for about £10. If a taxi cost £50 because of the distance and there was a sensible option of staying at a mates AND my partner had the same opportunity AND it wasn't every weekend, that seems reasonable compared to catching the last bus at 10 30[/quote]
I completely agree, if the situation called for it, understandable. But then it could be pre-empted prior to 1am, for the sake of your OH’s peace of mind. Like “I’m going into town, gonna drink, can stay at Charlie’s house” or just simply “I will call/text you by 10:30 to let you know if I’ll come home or stay out”

I’d be super annoyed about the toddler napping late and not eating dinner, but then my kids have a pretty strict routine and after 7.30pm is adult time when they’re asleep

I wouldn’t care about food for myself, although I usually make DH dinner if I’m going out (I do all the cooking, and I have to feed the kids anyway. I wouldn’t make something specifically for him though) or at least point him in the direction of pizzas in the freezer.

I’d definitely prefer it if DH let me know approximately when he’d be home, but I don’t lie awake worrying. Pre Covid, he did a hobby and then pub after one night a week and was always home midnight or around then. I just went to bed as normal. I’ve never texted his friends, and I wouldn’t expect him to text mine if I was out unless it was some kind of emergency and I wasn’t answering my phone.

I suppose if we lived somewhere where staying over at a mates after a night out was more sensible than coming home, then yes I’d be pretty pissed off if he didn’t tell me. Same as I’d never do that to him, or my parents (I left home nearly 20 years ago) or anyone I was living with who’d expect me home

I wouldn't have expected food for me but I would have expected the child to be fed and not having a late nap so that they were ready for a 7pm (or so) bedtime when I'd dropped him into town. I'd have also expected an 'I'm staying out' text by about 9/10pm so that I could lock up the house and get settled for bed.

Christ I’d have his bollocks for letting the three year old sleep at that time 😳 bet he wouldn’t have let that happen if he’d been flying solo at bedtime

He was unreasonable to change the time without checking with you. He was unreasonable not to have fed your child. While having your dinner ready would have been thoughtful of him, it’s perfectly reasonable for adults to make their own dinner- as long as they are actually home at dinner time, rather than driving partners about. He was pretty thoughtless.

OP you are NOT unreasonable.

I can't believe what j am reasing- talk about a low bar.
I would be furious.

You’re not unreasonable OP!

sometimes I think people post on here just to be contrary.

If you’re going out for the evening, you don’t leave your partner with a child who’s had a late nap (on your watch) and therefore won’t sleep for said partner (but hey, not your problem!). You feed the child. You make something for your partner if that’s what you’d usually do if you came in first.

You don’t go completely radio silence when you know your partner is expecting you home.

Personally I think he is an arsehole OP

He's drunk your exhausted your both right but it's not a fight worth having. Wait two days and talk when your calm/he's not hungover.

YABVU. I can’t believe you texted his friend; that is bang out of order and very inappropriate.

If you can’t sleep when he’s not there that’s your problem, not his, and he shouldn’t have his night curtailed because of it.

I think you’ve been very emotionally manipulative with controlling aspects here. You need to reign yourself in.

YABU and feeble

I’d be cross about the 3 year old if he would normally have fed them. But if you were running him in to town you could’ve picked up food there for you both.

I live rurally, there’s nothing scary about it. You sound very controlling and ridiculously anxious. Messaging friends is bang out of order. If a man was doing that it’d be described on here as abusive.