To want a firm plan?

[CatchyCatchy]

Please be kind as it’s my first post. This is a reach out from a tired mummy who is genuinely unsure whether her current rage is tiredness and hormones or actually justified. I’m open to either suggestion!

Yesterday I agreed that I would this evening run my partner into town around 7 for ‘a few drinks’ and he would get a lift home later.

I had a MANIC day at work, walked in exhausted at 5.30... three year old is asleep. That’s bedtime blown. No food ready. He’s expecting me to drive him into town around six. Without food. With an angry, half asleep three year old. Who then won’t go back to sleep. I am exhausted to the point of feeling achey.

So he goes off in his own car (which he will leave) with ‘arsehole’ ringing in his ears as he hadn’t bothered to feed me (he said he was eating at home, as well) and left me with a danger nap child.

The first point at which I was possibly unreasonable.

Then at 11ish I decide to message to see if he’s decided to stay out (it’s not unheard of for him to do so unannounced). Silence. From him. From all his friends. We live very rurally and I struggle to sleep if he’s not here. Child finally went down around 9.30 (after announcing he hadn’t been given any dinner).

Around 1am I get a message to confirm he’s staying out. Which means the cheap night probably became an expensive night. And had I not stayed up to receive this news I’d have just woken up to find him not here. And being a worrier I’ve already run through a few ‘what ifs’ by now.

I shoot back ‘nice of you to let me know. Eventually’.

Tomorrow I’ll be asked why I am / was grumpy and I can either play it down or explain how every plan seemed to change.

Thing is, in the flow of a good night out, that can happen. Am I guilty of it, sometimes? Yep. Would I have had his dinner ready if I was getting ready to go out? Can’t hand on heart say I would...

So why am I so angry / emotional right now? I think I’m possibly being unreasonable 😬

He should have fed the three year old. But apart from that YABU.

Why can't you just go to sleep, then if/when you wake up for a wee etc check your phone. Why do you need a concrete answer before you go to sleep? I must be weird as I really don't care if my husbands home at midnight or is staying at a friend's and texts me when I'm a sleep to let me know. I trust him. If I had no text over night and he wasn't home I'd be pissed off but I certainly wouldn't spend the previous evening texting his mates for a answer. So do embarrassing for all involved.

Okay...

Well I think I have my answer.

I’m not going to encourage any further comment as on balance, it’s clear this isn’t my finest moment.

I will try and take something from this and reflect a little.

I do feel people have made some sweeping assumptions without knowing me but that is the nature of a chat room, of course and you can only work with the snapshot you’re given.

Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone.

Don't worry you're not being unreasonable. Maybe you'll sort it later, maybe not etc. A lot of posters just like to pile on the OP. They're all appalled other people have different lives/routines/live in different places...and so so appalled you can't sleep without your h even if you're scared. Blimey they must all be perfect. Why can't you be perfect like them huh?! Result: everything is your fault and everyone else is so cool with their arrangements that they must now look down on you and harshly comment on your lack of coolness. Never mind about you needing normal words either agreeing or disagreeing with you in moderation as should general advice be. So yeah you just be cool man. Like yeah.

I think you are off centre as well. when reading that you said you were a tired Mummy, and maybe hormonal, I thought,oh no, not another one.

Everything cannot be a perfect situation all the time, much as you would like it to be. Nothing tragic has happened, just some plans that went haywire. Hope your Husband had a nice evening !!

Could you perhaps have had a snack on your way into town to drop him off? Seems to be a lot of fuss about preparing dinner, which sounds more elaborate than it needed to be. Getting DC back down for 9pm when they’ve been danger napping until 5.30pm seems like a win.

I was just too exhausted to even think or move. Any other time, yes, absolutely... normally I’d grab a pizza, put some dance music on and sing and dance and make the most of him being out. Tonight was one of those where I felt like I’d spent the day in a boxing ring. I had an intense exhaustion. So really, it probably all comes down to that!

Thank you for the more considered replies.

Some people I think have assumed I don’t trust him and that’s wide of the mark: I trust this man 200%. I don’t have any doubts or concerns whatsoever on that front. If he wrapped himself around a waitress I’d eat my hat!

I am aware of my failings though and what I DO have is a degree of separation anxiety.

You don’t need the full sob story but suffice to say I didn’t have the privilege of a stable childhood: my biological mother left when I was a toddler, I was hospitalised due to neglect and put in foster care for a short while. And that’s that.

Naturally I’ve had counselling and I’ve come a long, long way, which I’m proud of. It’s normally very well managed now and I like to think I’m as fully functional as the next person but I suppose a mix of exhaustion and PMS has caused a wobble. That’s why I asked for some outside perspective, because I know mine can be a little off at times.

The only reason I’m sharing this personal insight is as a reminder that you don’t know everything that might be going on for someone. Luckily, my other half does and happily it seems my good traits outweigh my bad!

I think some of these comments are a bit harsh OP. Whether or not yabu depends on what's normal for you all eg. for us the food thing wouldn't be a big deal because DC normally eat at 6 so that would be more of a communication issue. Whereas a 5.30 nap would be LTB territory

The staying out thing... Did you agree he'd tell you by a certain time? If not it sounds more like mismatched expectations than anything, he's not necessarily BU.

Hope you get some sleep!

I hope you did feed your child before they eventually went to bed - and yourself of course.

I don't see why your husband has to stay out all night, it is inconsiderate of him when he knows you are nervous in the house at night but is also odd. He was only going out for drinks with friends after all, most people would go home afterwards. Where would he stay anyway?

OP I am totally with you and can't believe some of these replies! Neither my husband or I would be so inconsiderate to the other...a night out for one means a tougher evening for the other, so we would do everything we could to ease that before going out, especially the person stating in had been at work all day. Making food for the person coming in from work is just basic courtesy, there's no way one of us would feed our self but not the other unless we'd pre-agreed that. If you live really rurally you obviously can't just get a takeaway.

I would also find it really hard to sleep not knowing if the other person was coming home or not...it sounds like a lot of pp's live in a houseshare rather than a partnership. You are totally not unreasonable.

ChalkDinosaur, you’re absolutely right... definitely mismatched expectations / lack of clarity and communication on both parts. I probably would have expected him to stay out but for the fact he’d already said he had a lift. But he probably missed the cut off point on that offer, which is fine... I think we need to agree between us though whether we both let the other know if we’re likely to stop out all night or whether we both just assume that will happen. Just so that as you say the expectations are aligned.

For saying I’m exhausted, I’ve never been so awake!

Jessstan2 it’s really not unusual for him to stay out to be fair. Apart from one friend, they all live a fair taxi ride from town and in different directions, so it makes sense to combine a taxi ride and save the money. In this case, he’s stayed with his friend who lives in town which is a bit of a no brainer. If only he’d not told me he was getting a lift at around 10 / 11, it would have saved the confusion, I guess!

Calling him an arsehole and him driving into town himself instead of giving him a lift as agreed... of course he ignored your messages, and so did his mate.

You had a rough day and you took it out on him. Tired and hangry - not his fault.

Theterrible42s... thank you so much for your perspective!

This echoes my feelings so much but I was starting to think I was alone! I’ve spent the last hour thinking what a terrible person I must be!

Texting his friend perhaps was out of order but it was only out of concern as he had said he was getting a lift around 10/11. I certainly wouldn’t have an issue with him texting my friend on the assumption my phone might be flat / on silent.

People say ‘my other half is a big boy and can take care of themself’... in real life, people get mugged / in fights / in car accidents, etc. Yes it’s HIGHLY unlikely anything adverse would have happened but I’m sure when my son starts going out I won’t sleep soundly until I know he’s home / at a friend’s house because these are the people I love!

He should have fed the child. But otherwise I think you are unreasonable and faintly ridiculous for demanding your dinner has been prepared for you at 5:30pm. How hard is it to prepare something to eat for one adult?

I also live rural (no takeout delivery here either), I find it very safe being rural, if you find it scary you should probably move house.

I am embarrassed for you texting round his friends after a few hours.

He was being unreasonable with the danger nap and not having the food ready - I don’t think the op is a “princess” re this. OH had said he was going to be eating too. It would have been reasonable to expect a meal for all, them strap 3 year old in and drive into town. Especially as giving an OH a lift after a full day at work (with what sounds like a bit of a drive) is a big favour.

I think YABU with needing to know an exact plan for the rest of the night, the living really rurally is you giving space to your own fears which are separate to your OH issues Pretty unnecessary to drag his mate into it too, for the love of god get a grip lass.

When all is calmer and he’s been home and sobered up and you’re not strung out and exhausted, chat about it, try and get him to see your position about the danger nap in particular- you wouldn’t have done that to him. Why did he think it was acceptable to do it to you?

Once again, thank you to everyone for taking the time to comment.

I feel I’ve taken what I need from this and I now need some space to myself to reflect.

Have a good day everyone.

Try and get to bed op

I don't think yabu at all .

I would have expected tea ready and child sorted ... im not a princess i just appreciate thoughtfulness .

Yanbu op, I expect my partner home by midnight if he goes out. Once you have children you can’t be out all night any more, it’s not on. Also all the other bits are annoying too.

OP, I know you feel you've gotten what you need but I just wanted to state I think YANBU. I would be livid.

I presume your husband was off for the day, or half day. He wanted you to go out of your way for 90 minutes, getting home later in the evening and couldn't even make something for you to eat after a whole day at work?! If my DH wanted me to do something for him and couldn't have the decency to knock me up something, even something simple, then expects me to turn around the second I get in the door, he would be called worse than an arsehole. Especially since he let your child sleep, knowing you had to pick up the repercussions later. Then he has the nerve to not tell you until 1am that he's not coming home, knowing full well you're likely waiting up for him.

Please don't let people make you doubt yourself. Tell him clearly why you were upset, what you would have expected and get his view on why he didn't do things (for example, if he said that he let DC sleep because they had a headache, you can understand that) and try and work out how to go forward where you can both get the best from each out her.

@Twaddledee

Yanbu op, I expect my partner home by midnight if he goes out. Once you have children you can’t be out all night any more, it’s not on. Also all the other bits are annoying too.

I genuinely can't believe so many people think it's okay to stay out all night unplanned. But the OP seems ok with it, and also does it so each to their own.

I'm with you, though, all nighters are not needed these days.

Op fwiw I think if you tell your partner you'll be home about 11pm but actually you intend to not get back until 11am, the polite thing is to communicate that decision.
IF something has happened on a rural road, you wouldn't want to wait 12 hours before doing anything to find him. I find it odd that couples in committed relationships with children are happy for their partner to say they'll be gone at 11pm, then have no further communication for 12+ hours.

Had the ops partner not replied, at what point would he bu to stay out till?

@User43210 I think it depends how often and how easily they can get back. I could stay out till 3 and easily get a cab back on my own for about £10. If a taxi cost £50 because of the distance and there was a sensible option of staying at a mates AND my partner had the same opportunity AND it wasn't every weekend, that seems reasonable compared to catching the last bus at 10 30

I think he's been unthinking. You're doing him a favour so the least he could have done was make an effort to make your night less shit and show some appreciation. But you may be over reacting slightly from being overtired.

Fair does OP, I don't think you sound unreasonable. I do think maybe you should consider moving as it must be horrible to feel that nervous in your home at night.