Aibu or is he?

[Newmammy2020]

Morning all, wanted to get other people's opinions as I'm all over the place at the moment, my ds was born 3 days ago, my dm has come to stay to help me, I had a c section so in a lot of pain at the moment, but my 'd' husband is telling me to ask my dm to go home and come and visit rather than stay, thing is is I really want my mum here, I'm so so close to her and she's been my rock and continues to be, he went out to meet friends last night so I would have been left alone had it not been for my mum, at the mo I'm struggling to get up and around too. He is making it extremely awkward saying that I have to tell her to go home!! For context they get on well!! She lives 40 mins away so not exactly down the road!! I really don't want to tell her to go and at the same time I really want her to stay for a bit longer, is he being unreasonable or am I? Please be gentle I'm exhausted and still in my baby bubble!!

Before anyone says maybe he feels left out, he's defo not left out he's involved a lot and my mum doesn't take over at all she's just so supportive to us both or at least that's how I see it

It's such a pity this wasn't finalised before the birth as it just seems non negotiable. I'm assuming he's given time and space to get to know the baby and that this must be hic concern. I had normal deliveries but remember days when I couldn't get out of the seat to prepare food for myself. You need her and I'd really stress it's non negotiable.

Yes we had the conversation before ds was conceived that I'd love my mum to be with us at the birth and stay after and he promised that she'd be welcome for as long as she wanted to stay, it's a bit of a shock because he was apparently really happy for her to be here, he's making it obvious that she's not really welcome anymore and it's really upsetting me

Also yes he's had space etc with ds xx

Maybe he feels this is time for your own little family to bond, so I sort of sympathise with him. ... other than for him going out. I would probably agree to mum going home so long as he agrees that it is to be family time and he needs to be around!

Forty minutes is really not a long way for her to visit regularly.

Is he jealous his mum isn't as involved?

Have you asked him why?

His mum is more than welcome over, but she chooses to come at set times, she's abit older and only lives down the road so easier for her to pop in as and she likes

I can see your DH point of view. I love my MIL but I wouldn't want her staying with us at a highly emotional time.

However, if she does go he needs to stay in with you until you are fully recovered - I had 2 emcs and I couldn't really manage alone for 4 weeks with the first and closer to 8 with 2nd. If you need support (emotional or physical) and your husband cant or wont provide it then she stays. I think that's a reasonable conversation to have.

Could she stay in a hotel? Very cheap deals at the premier inn here at the moment. Then she can spend the day with you but give you all space in the evening and at night?

40 mins is nothing to drive?

So is DH happy not to do stuff like go out with friends if DM goes home? You need someone to help so is he prepared to be there all the time and do everything DM would have done if she'd stayed? If not he's being completely unreasonable, how does he expect you will manage and why would he want you to have to?

No he's not prepared to stay home, he has other stuff booked, also nagging me to go for a walk or get out for a bit!
My mum is a god send, she's really supportive whereas I feel he is acting as though there's no recovery needed etc xx

I'm with your dh too.
40mins is hardly too far to travel to come over and help.
This is time for the 3 of you to bond as a new family.
He shouldn't feel pushed out in his own home.

I wonder if your husband would have left you home alone with a 2 day old baby to go and play with his friends if your mum wasn’t there to help you. If not he should be grateful and more welcoming to your mum and if so he’s a selfish twat and I’d suggest you move your lovely mum in and move him out.

I think he needs to be given some factual information about what recovering from a C section is like, what you can and can’t do, and what support you need. Is there a health professional who will talk to him? Failing that, can you or your mum find an NHS information leaflet or similar?

Firstly congratulations. if your husband goes out 3 days after you've given birth, well that's more of a reason to have your mother over. He has to get his priorities right. Even if you didn't have a C section, having a newborn for the first time is extremely exhausting and emotional for both parents and this is a time where you should both be supporting one another.

But if hes going to go out then I don't blame you for wanting your mum there.
I have to say a lot of women don't have that choice of having their mums come & stay with them after giving birth & it all works out fine, they make it work with their partners but your hubby sounds like a douche, asking you to go out for a walk after a section!

“ No he's not prepared to stay home, he has other stuff booked, also nagging me to go for a walk or get out for a bit!
My mum is a god send, she's really supportive whereas I feel he is acting as though there's no recovery needed etc xx”

This is shocking. He is making it all about him. You’ve just had a c-section

It sounds like he thinks grand baby is here all good get back to normal and I’ll carry on as normal.

My DH wouldn’t dream of going anywhere if I’d just had a baby regardless of how many other family members are around.

Don’t be bullied by him. Say if my mother goes home you need to cancel X YZ plans, you will need to do X YZ jobs around the house. I need support with X YZ and I need time to rest. If he doesn’t cancel his plans immediately and say yes he wants to step up then don’t send your mother home.

He sounds like a total dick.

I agree with your DH but do think you need to tell him if she's not there then he needs to help out more and cancel his plans

Our first child my mother stayed I think 2/3 nights and that was it. I also had a c section. I was up and around and went for a a walk with the Pram about 4/5 days after the c section

He was on a night out 3 days after you had a section? If he wants you to ask your mum to go home, he has to show hes going to be there for you and the baby, not fucking off out with his friends to leave you to cope.

No he's not prepared to stay home, he has other stuff booked, also nagging me to go for a walk or get out for a bit!
My mum is a god send, she's really supportive whereas I feel he is acting as though there's no recovery needed etc

This would have ne telling him to get to fuck and not come back.

No he's not prepared to stay home, he has other stuff booked, also nagging me to go for a walk or get out for a bit!
My mum is a god send, she's really supportive whereas I feel he is acting as though there's no recovery needed etc
Time for your husband to hear some unvarnished home truths!
He can step up and your mother can go home or he can fuck right off.

Cheeky bastard.
Goes out with friends 2 days after you get home ? What ??? And 'other things booked ' like what exactly ?
Tell him she can stay and he can fuck off.
Sorry , it sounds harsh but he sounds like a twat.

He should be supporting you and whatever you want. You've had major surgery and have a new baby. If you want your mum there he should be laying out the red carpet and thanking her daily for staying.

Agree with @ Racinglikeapronow
My DSD’s H didn’t want anyone staying after she had DC but proceeded to use his Paternity Leave as a golfing/ fishing/ drinking fortnight !

You’ve just had a baby FFS so nothing you want or need is unreasonable.

Your update even more so, he needs to grow up and step up - if he wants you to be solely reliant on his help, not your mum, he needs to bloody BE there! And to understand that you’ve just had major surgery AND had a newborn baby in the same week, either of those takes a toll on your body, but a CS is a double whammy.

Don’t get your mum to leave. You need her support and it was agreed beforehand that she’d be there for you. The next few weeks are about you and your baby, and whatever makes it easier and better for you is what should happen. He’s still got plenty of time to bond with his baby, even with you and your mum there. He’s more than welcome to pitch in and do his bit I’m sure, and your mum can also help, while you rest.