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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or is he?

61 replies

Newmammy2020 · 12/09/2020 10:25

Morning all, wanted to get other people's opinions as I'm all over the place at the moment, my ds was born 3 days ago, my dm has come to stay to help me, I had a c section so in a lot of pain at the moment, but my 'd' husband is telling me to ask my dm to go home and come and visit rather than stay, thing is is I really want my mum here, I'm so so close to her and she's been my rock and continues to be, he went out to meet friends last night so I would have been left alone had it not been for my mum, at the mo I'm struggling to get up and around too. He is making it extremely awkward saying that I have to tell her to go home!! For context they get on well!! She lives 40 mins away so not exactly down the road!! I really don't want to tell her to go and at the same time I really want her to stay for a bit longer, is he being unreasonable or am I? Please be gentle I'm exhausted and still in my baby bubble!!

OP posts:

Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/09/2020 11:33

YANBU. Doesn't sound like he's bothered about bonding as a family if he's going on a night out 2 days after his wife had a C section.

You've just given birth, if you want your mum there he should respect that.

Nanny0gg · 12/09/2020 11:37

@BackforGood

I'm with your dh too. 40mins is hardly too far to travel to come over and help. This is time for the 3 of you to bond as a new family. He shouldn't feel pushed out in his own home.

I don't think he's being 'pushed' out so much as voluntarily legging out the door.

He's not being realistic as to the impact emotionally and physically of a new baby

RealBecca · 12/09/2020 11:39

I dont think he's unreasonable to not want her there.

I do think he's unreasonable to expect to go on like nothing in his life has changed and expect you to get on with it. That's where is be having the discussion, regardless of your mum.

mbosnz · 12/09/2020 11:44

This time, is about you and your newborn's wants and needs. Your Mum is helping out round the house, helping you with the baby, providing you with company, confidence and security.

Incidentally, your DH needs to come to terms with his new reality, which is that he's a Dad now, so time to be done with being a lad, or to be doing a lot less of it. He needs to be hands on deck - particularly when your mother goes.

Gobbycop · 12/09/2020 11:47

Congratulations on the new arrival 🙂

SharonasCorona · 12/09/2020 12:03

Op, I’m Asian and in our culture it’s very common for mum to stay with daughter for 10 days after birth. Your body is healing, you are not BU having your mum.

Falcone · 12/09/2020 12:04

I wonder if your husband would have left you home alone with a 2 day old baby to go and play with his friends if your mum wasn’t there to help you. If not he should be grateful and more welcoming to your mum and if so he’s a selfish twat and I’d suggest you move your lovely mum in and move him out

This! My ex was the same, left me at home with a new-born and a toddler to go out with his mates at all hours. He wasn't happy with my mum being around either. Probably because he knew she wouldn't be able to hold her tongue when she realised he was pissing off out all the time and leaving me, knowing I could hardly move. YANBU

Coffeecak3 · 12/09/2020 12:15

He wants walks, he wants to meet mates.

You have told him that you've just had major abdominal surgery right? And you have a new born.
And he expects normality in 3 days.
Is he thick? Or just a really selfish guy.

Tell him, he looks after you and baby full time for a week at least or dm stays.

Original poster

Newmammy2020 · 12/09/2020 21:07

Thanks everyone. I've told him my feelings but he still wants me to tell her.

OP posts:

CalmdownJanet · 12/09/2020 21:10

Wow what a prick! Tell him to go and keep your mother

whattodo2019 · 12/09/2020 21:11

Your husband needs to grown up and realise this isn't about him!!! It's about you and the baby. I desperately needed my mum and husband after the birth of my children . Both equally and both for slightly different reasons initially.

Stay strong. Dont send your mum packing.

Lots of love and congratulations

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 12/09/2020 21:15

As he doesnt seem to be prepared to look after you and presuming that your DM is, tell him that if she goes, you go with her. You need somebody to look after you till you've recovered. And he doesnt sound like hes going to step up

Standrewsschool · 12/09/2020 21:18

Perhaps he feels pushed out. This is a special time for the three of you. Forty minutes isn’t too far away. Does she need to be there all the time?

Oldbutstillgotit · 12/09/2020 21:21

@ Standrewsschool he refuses to stay in as he has plans !

waitforitwaitforit · 12/09/2020 21:22

If you've just had a baby, via section, he should be doing everything you want him to regardless of his own 'needs'. If he's unwilling to cancel plans (and wtf plans is he making during covid when he's a new baby anyway?) then you need someone else who can support you.

Corono · 12/09/2020 21:24

Ok, it's tough lots of emotions and hormones and worry over baby.

Congratulations on your new one.

Would he have gone out if your DM wasn't there?

Marshmallow91 · 12/09/2020 21:30

His wants don't trump your needs. He can fuck off out forever with his mates if that's his attitude. Someone who loves you WANTS to be there to support you.

PerpendicularVincent · 12/09/2020 22:00

You've had a c section, are in pain and need rest and support- in this instance I would say that your needs outweigh your husband's.

Going out for a walk isn't really feasible right now, and he should be staying with and looking after you whilst you recover.

I suspect that if you tell your mum to go, he won't step up and support you and you'll end up exhausted and resentful. Tell him your mum is staying.

stanski · 12/09/2020 22:03

You need your mom there. End of as far as I'd be concerned. His attitude stinks. He should be helping you and giving you a break not out with friends...

KarmaStar · 12/09/2020 22:06

Yanbu.can you go and stay with your mum instead?

EKGEMS · 12/09/2020 22:08

Your mother should stay and your asshole husband should leave. Permanently

biscuitcakes · 12/09/2020 22:10

I just read to the 'I want my mom here' but. What you want goes - your mom stays.

Lowhangingfruit · 12/09/2020 22:11

Keep your mum, you need support 😊

Cryalot2 · 12/09/2020 22:20

He is acting strangly . Does he not understand what a c section involves?

It is his place to put yòu and the baby first and he should want to do this.
You need to find out what his reasons are.
Have you a midwife visiting? Can she explain to him the situation and that you need help and support.
40 mins is not far at all.
He must give you a valid reason and support.
Congratulations by the way.

TwixTwixtwoo · 12/09/2020 22:34

He can 'want you to tell her' all he likes, doesn't mean you have to do it. Have you asked him what you're supposed to do when you're in pain/need help and he's gone on one of his 'booked activities'? He can't make you send her home and if he says he'll tell her himself I'd tell him you'd rather she stayed and he went.

I'm getting the impression you feel he has the final say on this OP and I'm not sure why that would be? He can't leave you with no help when you've just had major surgery.

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