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Original poster

How to react to colleague

81 replies

Custard2020 · 11/09/2020 19:31

How would you react if a completely harmless comment you made was reported back to your manager in a way that it was slightly changed from your initial comment. The manager then named this person and wrote an email telling me what this person had said and told me off for this, would you speak to your colleague as you are confused why they would say this to manager especially add arts you didn’t say? Or would you just learn from it and let it go?

OP posts:
Dutypaid · 12/09/2020 01:11

Sounds like you are being bullied and pushed out. They will twist everything you say; so you should keep it all in writing. Do not speak to either of them in person and if you must, then follow up with an email. Start looking for another job; this sutuation will not improve.

happystone · 12/09/2020 01:13

Sorry this happened to you,your manager and this collage are now bullying you.

happystone · 12/09/2020 01:14

Can you make a complaint to hr ect

timeisnotaline · 12/09/2020 01:15

Of course reply all! That was a crappy move.
Dear manager, what I said to x seems to have changed in the telling. I’m sure it is a misunderstanding but disappointed you couldn’t discuss it with me! Could we talk about this please? I’ve put some time in for tomorrow afternoon, thanks.

TedTookVows · 12/09/2020 01:28

Interested as well.

It was sorted out in my case but I have been there, in my case a Senior approached me that Colleague A had made a claim that I had a problem with Colleague B and could I elaborate?

Genuinely I sat there for HOURS saying to myself :

But I havent discussed B with A and I dont have a problem with B

It was really upsetting

Eventually, I recalled a harmless, factual statement made in passing.

It had been massively twisted

The upshot : A recently resigned rather than be sacked for (unrelated) gross misconduct. Me and B get on great.

The moral : Someone shows you who they are believe them. Tell this drama llama snitch nothing they can carry back again.

CheetasOnFajitas · 12/09/2020 01:36

You said in one of your updates that your manager shouted at you?

Unless you work in the army and he is a drill sergeant, shouting is not acceptable professional behaviour, regardless of the subject matter. Ironic given the it is you being accused of being unprofessional. Can you escalate to your manager’s boss?

Thenneverendingstorohree · 12/09/2020 01:39

Ah.... TeeBee's response would have been best.

You have two options

Let it go. The advantage of this is you don't antagonise your boss. Disadvantage is that you don't clear your name

Or you email everyone cc'd....major disadvantage is you make boss look bad at management.....Advantage is you get to put your side forward.

^Dear Malcom,
Thanks for your email. As you know from our conversation, I was very surprised by this as I certainly did not make that comment as Susie suggested. Perhaps Susie misunderstood. I actually said "Gosh I'm so tired".

I must admit I'm also a bit confused as to why this was address by email before any discussion with me. Could you clarify the policy for minor workplace disagreements, as it is clearly different here to previous workplaces.

Hope I've been able to clear this up.

Kind regards,
Wronglyaccusedatdesk9^

On balance, I think I'd go with option 'let it go'.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/09/2020 01:56

Reply to all those that have been Cced.

The updated information after speaking to both the colleague and then the manager is that the manager now concedes that she did maybe get her facts wrong.

But then I am someone who will go after someone who thinks they can go after me. I won’t ever leave things if I think someone has been out to get me.

Rangoon · 12/09/2020 02:00

I dont think I'd reply all. If your boss has shared a public diciplining of a hearsay conversation, other people will probably think he is an idiot. Really senior people wiil think he is an idiot and be annoyed to be bothered by something so minor. If you humiliate this man he will have it in for you even more. As for your colleague, restrict yourself to a cheery good morning and only reply to work queries with no elaboration. I'd be keeping a factual diary of incidents and looking for another job. Incidentally, you say you are new, why did your predecessor leave?

YummyJamDoughnut · 12/09/2020 02:03

I would be really pissed off, and would reply to the email disputing the accuracy of the conversation. I would request a meeting with the colleague and the manager as a matter of urgency to clarify.

Torvean32 · 12/09/2020 02:08

@Susannahmoody

Be careful what you say in writing.

I'd have a face to face meeting, with the person who 'misinterpreted' your comment and relevant parties.

You have rights too, op!

I agree with all of this.
Marmunia1975 · 12/09/2020 02:33

Hope you get this sorted OP!

Original poster
Custard2020 · 12/09/2020 06:47

Thank you all. I’ve been up most of the night thinking about this. I just cannot believe people have time in their lives to actually put so much effort into being such d**heads. I feel annoyed with myself for getting so upset. It’s not like I knew these people for ages. They must both have an agenda I’m unaware of or quite simply just don’t like me. Of course people don’t like others all the time. I need to be less chatty and be very careful anything I say around anyone, I need to just keep things very positive and upbeat. I don’t know how to react on Monday, a part of me want to go in and be really abrupt and blunt with them but another part I’d be is thinking I should walk in with my head held high and be very smiley but not say anything except hi.

OP posts:
FlouncerInDenial · 12/09/2020 09:49

I would go in with head held high and bright and breezy.
But I would write down every last detail of what happened so if it comes up again you can say "actually, this never got addressed. This is what really happened..."

BlueThistles · 12/09/2020 09:52

Hold your head high OP, and know your enemy, they have exposed themselves, so you know they are gunning for you. Avoid all conversations with them and only discuss factual work stuff.

Original poster
Custard2020 · 12/09/2020 09:57

Thank you. Yes I will go in breezy and act like it has not affected me. I’m not going to show any upset about it

OP posts:
seayork2020 · 12/09/2020 10:00

Surely they have to be a member on here? (I am assuming I am only partly joking)

Feminist10101 · 12/09/2020 10:03

I would (and have in the past) have pointed out to the manager that the first rule of management is to never take one side of a story. Always triangulate the data before acting. That saying about 2 versions and the truth being somewhere in the middle? It’s well known because 99% of the time it’s true!

DFAMA · 12/09/2020 10:10

Colleague is a shit stirring bitch, keep your eyes on her she likes to cause trouble. Are you going to reply to the email? I would do as others have suggested and reply to all that your comments have been taken out of context, otherwise it looks like you have accepted blame

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 12/09/2020 10:25

Are you in a union? Why would you let another adult shout at you? Please seek support from above your manager.

BlueThistles · 12/09/2020 10:28

yes join a union now.

Feminist10101 · 12/09/2020 10:39

Union unlikely to help with something already ongoing. (Although they are desperate for members so there may be some flex.)

This is appalling (senior HR professional here) but be careful if you have less than 2 years service. They can let you go for any non-discriminatory reason.

Pixi47 · 12/09/2020 17:49

''You said in one of your updates that your manager shouted at you?''

Eh the term 'shouted' has become meaningless these days as people seem to think a telling off or reprimand is ''shouting''. Shouting is a very raised voice which can be held from 100 yards away.

Pixi47 · 12/09/2020 18:01

''Colleague is a shit stirring bitch, keep your eyes on her she likes to cause trouble.''

mmm see they say for every rat you see there's a 100 others so ime if one person runs to mgmt about something you said or did it's never a good sign and can be a sign of a toxic environment. The way mgmt sent that email too shows your manager and her are close so be careful around them. It's hard to give the op advice as we don't know what the comment was but regardless going to mgmt about people is usually a dick move.

Op you are new to the company and yes you are happy[or were] but let this be a warning to you. No work environment is ever safe so don't ever let your guard down. You are on to a loser following this up and nothing has come of it[ie being formally disciplines etc] so I'd just let it go[annoying as it is]. Keep your head down and be polite and professional. These people are NOT your friends so keep conversation to a minimum and very trivial [the weather, Eastenders etc]. Don't engage in any way as anything you say could be held against you again. Keep very positive about the company/work if asked and don't share anything about yourself or be negative as you will be on the radar now. It will blow over but learn from it. I've being in your situation so just watch your back.

Original poster
Custard2020 · 12/09/2020 22:12

Some of you have guessed very accurately, yes manager and this colleague are indeed close. Didn’t want to include it in OP as I worry about giving too many details.

I have spent most of today talking about it to everyone in RL. I sent the @email to my sister who actually works in HR too and she was shocked as said it’s very aggressive and tone is awful. There’s no misunderstanding the intention behind it is to make me look incompetent and bad infront of seniors. The manager has spent a long time composing this email according to my sister. It’s not an email he just quickly write, it’s calculating.

OP posts:
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