To think this is very unusual

[thedaywewillremeber]

My ex husband had an affair which resulted in two children being born. The first one was born a week after ds1 and the second two weeks before ds2. My children don’t feel comfortable being involved with siblings so close in age to them that were as a result of an affair. I’ve recently had a conversation with his mother who tells me it’s not that unusual and my children should just accept it. Aibu to say it is unusual to have half siblings so close in age and that they shouldn’t feel pressured to talk with these people. All are now adults. His mother wants them all to get together.

I think most people would be very uncomfortable having a relationship forced on them that reminded them of their dad betraying their mum and breaking up their family.

Exactly. Nice if they met by chance and got on well with each other. It's not their fault their father was a jerk. But totally unreasonable to expect it.

Your XMIL should be glad your DC care enough about her to not want to hurt her feelings. But they are not responsible for her unreasonable feelings on this.

your MIL has some very bizarre perceptions or what is considered normal.

If granny thinks her feelings override those of the grandchildren, that's perhaps why XH thinks his desire for a shag overides his marriage.

All part of the same selfish pattern.

Do the DC have much to do with their father?

Having two simultaneous families is somewhat unusual, yes. Your MIL may have got used to the idea - although I doubt it's what she leads with when she discusses her grandchildren "My son has Tarquin and Tallulah who are 6, and Alex and Amelie are 4 - no they aren't twins, they have different mothers....."

How your DC feel about it may change as they grow. They may want a relationship with their siblings, they might not. Your MIL cannot force them to like them.

@Macncheeseballs

Ah protecting her shagger of a son all the way

Exactly

Next time she comments it isn’t that unusual maybe ask her how many children her husband fathered with others during their marriage- for her considered advice, obv

My ExMil is a great one for telling me how accepting I should be of ExH’s girlf (OW) but looked absolutely horrified when I asked her if she’d ever met any of her husband’s girlfriends...

It's a bit gaslighting of the grandmother to say that it's not unusual and to tell the grandchildren how they should feel about it. I think it's a healthy thing that your DC are not allowing themselves to be told how to feel about and manage their own family relationships.

However, it's good IMO that the grandmother recognises all of her grandchildren, it's not your DC's half-siblings faults that they are the result of an affair. It's fair enough for your DC to resist attempts to get them together for the sake of getting them together, but I think if there is a big family do (for instance if the grandmother had a birthday party) then I think the mature thing to do would be for everyone to attend and make polite chit-chat in the same way that you tolerate boring Uncle Bob who tells the same unfunny jokes and stories from his youth every time you meet him.

Well I am an adult who was the result of an affair carried out by my mother with my father whilst his wife was pregnant with one of my half siblings, and another half sibling was a toddler.

I am so glad to have my sisters as part of my life. We are incredibly close and always refer to each other as sisters, not "half."

They had to be very strict with their mother about how their relationship with my and my "full" sibling didn't mean they condoned my parents actions (neither do I!) and wasn't a betrayal of them. Obviously I am totally innocent, and after some initial resistance, she accepted this.

Despite the fact that my story had such a positive and lovely outcome, I think it is totally unacceptable for the children's grandmother to be pressurising your adult DC.

So long as you are sure that your DC are not being deterred from a relationship with their half siblings by you, your conscience, and your responsibility is clear.

woah. That's a really extreme ex-MIL guilt trip. Forflipsake.

They're adults and their feelings are valid.

Are you supposed to be adding to the guilt-trip?
Don't. You've put up with enough.

I once worked in a school with two half siblings, 6 months apart, in the same boarding house! One was the child of the official wife, one the child of the mistress. All totally accepted in home country and in those social circles.
But to all of us in the UK who encountered it, it was fucked up!

It's ridiculous. There were people my dd was uncomfortable with so we didn't see unless she was elsewhere - at granny's or whatever.

You should not force a relationship upon your children unless it is impossible not to (like those children have to come and live with you; you find a new partner who has 2 children).

Well, it’s no wonder your XH was a cheating bastard who was quite content to knock up two women, symaltaniously, twice, if this is what is considered normal in their family.

I’d tell the mother to do one. It’s entirely your DCs’ decision with who they have a relationship and it’s got fuck all to do with her.

No it isn’t normal at all.

My friend had a long term relationship with an absolute arsehole who was shagging around and ended up with two women both giving birth to his baby on the same ward at the same time.

He embraced the daughter and her mother and pretty much rejected his son with the other mother.

I’m not sure if either woman knew of the other beforehand and how he explained any of it. That was about 20 years ago now and they all live in the same small area too.

My friend was nearing 40 and desperate for a baby and ended up getting pregnant, he went to prison and he’s never seen the child and that’s exactly what my friend wanted from him, his sperm.
I wouldn’t like to explain that to my child.

Your MIL is just trying to keep her son and grandchildren lose I would guess. But no, it isn't normal to have kids with two women at the same time, even if you are Hugh Grant, and the children should not be forced to have contact if they don't want it.

I think it is an unusual situation. If someone has an affair and subsequently children with a married man, they are in no position to complain if the legitimate children don't want any involvement. It's none of the children's fault but it's understandable that your sons don't feel comfortable with having a relationship and thats up to them.

Whereas the situation is unusual it is quote normal for half siblings to have some form of relationship, usually because of contact weekends. To the poster who referred to the OP's kids as his real children , well all the children are his real children.

I hope it is truly the situation that your children do not want a relationship with them rather than them feeling they shouldn't for want of upsetting you. If it is then it is indeed their choice and not their grandmother's.

Sorry, I misread that as the other children's mother

Just to double-check that I read the OP correctly. I assumed that 'his mother' is the man with many children's mother ie grandmother of the OP's children and the half-siblings by their Dad. But it seems that a lot of posters think that it refers to the mother of the half siblings and not the OP's exMIL. Could you confirm which it is please OP.

my children should just accept it
How peculiar!
I wonder why she thinks she can set the rules for other people's children?

"I’ve recently had a conversation with his mother who tells me it’s not that unusual and my children should just accept it. "

1. It is unusual. She's a liar.
2. Your adult children 'should' do nothing of the sort. The only thing they 'should' do is make their own minds up.

"The thing is my children are starting to feel bad as she’s getting older and they don’t want to upset her."
They are not upsetting her. And if she says they are, she's being a manipulative old sod (as well as a liar), making her grandchildren feel bad because she wants to get her own way. Which makes her almost as bad as her dear son, shagging about without a care in the world as to how that affects everyone around him.

If she's actively playing the 'getting older' card - "oh, I just want X before I die" - I'd tell her what's what. Your adult children are perfectly entitled to tell granny to take a hike, and shouldn't be made to feel bad by her.

I’ve recently had a conversation with his mother
she wants to play the big 'I am' as mother of the son who has a harem of women producing heirs for him
it's all about her status

It happens but only the children can decide if they want contact now or as adults, my mother prevented me from having a relationship with my sister who is 4 months younger than me and my Dad didn't try and push it. I wish he had.