To mention how I feel to my manager?

[bleuu]

Possibly outing, but I feel a bit annoyed about this and I need MN to tell me if I'm being u.

I had a DS last year and received no acknowledgment from my workplace. No cards, no gifts, hardly any congratulations. For background, I have worked at this company for a good few years.

Another colleague on my team is expecting and has received lots of gifts, cards etc.

I just feel totally shitty about this and I don't know if I should just mention how I feel.

AIBU or should I just let it go?

Another colleague on my team is expecting and has received lots of gifts, cards etc.
She has received cards and hasn't even had the baby yet? Isn't that weird?

Who are the gifts from - close friends, individual colleagues or colleagues collectively?

That sounds disappointing and hurtful, but I'm not sure mentioning it will help, particularly if they are likely to go on the defensive. I might not be above dropping in a smiley passive-agressive remark about it's all right for some, or similar, but this may not be the best idea.

I am hurt. I'm trying to not think about it too much but to be honest I feel shit about it.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite Colleagues collectively

I think it is maybe worth thinking what the outcome you want to be is. Fair enough to feel hurt but not sure what you expect your manager to do. To be honest these things aren’t always that thought through and may not have been done with any kind of intent to be unkind to you.

I guess I want the outcome to be that they realise its really hurt me and it seems unfair. I genuinely feel like I'm not cared about at all.

I understand how you feel an it is completely reasonable but I can’t see what your manager can do about it. Gifts, cards and acknowledgment are all about good will and it can’t be enforced by management. Sometimes people only contribute if they feel secure in their jobs and there is an established friendship and given the current climate (not sure when you had the baby) perhaps they were worried about their income. Sorry you feel left out though.

What can they do/can they say to put this right?
It's sad, but perhaps you don't have as close friendships with said colleagues. Do you speak/see any of them outside of work?

I wouldn't mention it to your manager - it all seems very 'school drama'.

I understand how you're feeling but unless your manager started the collection for the other colleague it hasn't got anything to do with him/ her.

Your colleagues aren't obliged to give you gifts/ cards and therefore your manager wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

I genuinely feel like I'm not cared about at all
Sadly that might just be the case. Raising it won't make them care about you more. Can you reflect as to the reasons why they might not like you much? Is there anything can be done about it?

Have you been in contact with any of them since you've been on maternity leave? Anyone you are closer to you can test to see if they'll give you some feedback?

No don't say anything it will be awkward for everyone. Who has paid for the gifts, the company or individuals?

When you are asked to contribute to a new baby card/ gift respond with “I thought as a company we didn’t do those, I didn’t receive a card, therefore I will not be contributing “

It might be more about timing than anything personal. Colleague A has a big birthday a couple of weeks after Colleagues X, Y, and Z all have major life events (weddings, births, etc). So by the time it’s Colleague A’s birthday everybody is sick of contributing to gifts.
Colleague B has big event several months later, just when people are getting back to normal office life after lockdown. So she gets gifts etc because everyone glad to be “getting back to “normal”.

Is it your first baby?
How many “big” birthdays have you had celebrated whilst at that workplace?

That sucks. Again I'm not sure what your manager can do. However, please don't feel that making passive aggressive remarks will in some way be a good way to handle this. Congratulate your colleague and move on.

Are the cards, gifts etc from the company or from individuals? If they are from the company, I think you have a genuine point. If from individuals, not a lot you can do really. Sounds like others are more friendly with her than they are with you. It's a work environment - you don't all have to be best pals.

Sadly I think you can't raise it. I understand your feelings but I don't think.itll help at work to raise them.

If I felt undervalued, I would look for a new job.

That is shit and your manager should have organised a card at least for you - but the problem is with your manager/team rather than the other people. I work in a team with a very socially unaware manager and other teams do birthday celebrations etc and we don’t and I do think it’s crap but I also think I don’t actually want to have extra lunches with him being awkward either!

Go to work to work, not make friends.
Gifts (which your baby would outgrow within a couple of months at most) & cards that'll be recycled or left in a draw really aren't worth feeling so bitter about.
Yes, it's hurtful but I'd just let it go now.

Was it your first and her first? Not sure about elsewhere but we tend to acknowledge people's first child when they're with us and not really cards and gifts for the second otherwise we'd be collecting all the time?! Could it be that?

Shouldnt it be your colleagues that you speak to??
Our manager doesnt get involved in arranging any collections, plus what do you expect him/her to say??

I'm the one in the office who organises all the collections. It was my 40th last year and I got some individual gifts from colleagues who attended my party but no big collection like I'd arranged for everyone else. Was quite pissed off but I've got over it and I'm back organising things again as I like to make others feel special.

My own close work friends got me a nice gift though which was nice.

I'd be pissed off if I were you. Same thing happened when I had my youngest. No one organised a collection although I had a few individual gifts.

Yes both of our firsts and it was my manager who organised it.

Don't raise this with your manager. You will look incredibly childish. It's absolutely not right that she got gifts and your child wasn't acknowledged but complaining about it will not change the situation.

I don't think you can raise it without seeming petty (I'm not saying you are being, just the perception).

I agree with Dishwasher –when you're next asked to contribute, casually say 'I thought as a company we didn’t do those, I didn’t receive anything.' Passive-aggressive maybe, but I think it's the only way you can at all legitimately raise it.

Your manager is out of line. As a manager they should either organise all the collections or none of them.