To mention how I feel to my manager?

[bleuu]

Possibly outing, but I feel a bit annoyed about this and I need MN to tell me if I'm being u.

I had a DS last year and received no acknowledgment from my workplace. No cards, no gifts, hardly any congratulations. For background, I have worked at this company for a good few years.

Another colleague on my team is expecting and has received lots of gifts, cards etc.

I just feel totally shitty about this and I don't know if I should just mention how I feel.

AIBU or should I just let it go?

It is understandable that you are upset. But no I wouldn’t raise it with your manager as it is not a work matter. It isn’t going to make you feel better either as it won’t change anything.

I think you've got to let it go.

I had similar.
My last day before maternity leave and no one said goodbye, no cards, no presents, as i was leaving the door they called me back to ask if I would contribute to another colleagues leaving present and party as they were having a little thing for them next week!!!!
Does it hurt and make you feel pretty shit and worthless? Yes.

But people like that won't change so the only person feeling shit is us.
I've seen regular updates through Facebook of every body else's leaving parties, maternity presents and even big flowers, chocolate and cards for someone who agreed to cover a shift once. It is what it is.
I didnt go back after maternity though, so i haven't really got to deal with it on a regular basis.

As a company we have a policy of no "office wide" gifts because it was felt to be getting out of hand with collections doing the rounds constantly for weddings, babies, leaving, retiring etc. However, i think most teams will club together to get something for a new mum or one going on maternity leave, and the group of girls who are close and socialise outside of work tend to get something. The company sends flowers to new mums as far as I know and we still circulate a card for people to sign. What really cheesed me off was when one of the blokes adopted a child and we didn't acknowledge it. When i asked if there was card going round i was met with "why would we?".....ermmmm.....

I feel similar about my work place. I recently got married. Ive worked for the company for 18 years and didnt get so much as a card. I kind of think it comes down to working from home, out of sight out of mind but I totally get how youre feeling. Its not nice.

I was going to say you were being a bit unreasonable, as, unfortunately, in work (and in life) some people are just more popular than others, plus the influence of other events (such as multiple birthdays/pregnancies, etc., as another poster mentioned) and although it sucks doesn't mean anything about you as a person.

However if you both have the same manager, and they organised the collection etc. for one person on their team but not for another (you) that is bad and actually I do think it needs raising because it suggests favouritism, and is a clear example of them treating you differently. If it was a colleague organising the gifts you wouldn't have a leg to stand on but the same manager to you both is really inappropriate.
The only thing I would be aware of is being prepared for them to say 'Well I did try to organise one for you too but nobody put in.' It's unlikely this would happen but without knowing you or your workplace it's a possibility.

@Dishwashersaurous

When you are asked to contribute to a new baby card/ gift respond with “I thought as a company we didn’t do those, I didn’t receive a card, therefore I will not be contributing “

This will not win you friends

You won't gain anything from mentioning it and might even cause a backlash - your manager will see it as you having a pop at her. It was a very hurtful thing to have happen but it's history now - I would be the bigger person and continue to contribute to others and hold my head up high. They sound an unfeeling bunch tbh.

As others have said, if it was the same manager / official company celebration then you could mention under the motivation of not wanting others to feel left out.

You already get cards and presents and messages from your actual friends, presumably? Why should your company also celebrate the fact someone got married/had a baby as a matter of course?
If some of your actual friends are colleagues and they didn't mark it then those are the people to be disappointed in.

the only thing a manager can do is ban any further gift altogether. That would not make you popular either.

if it was the manager who actually organised things, you could ask why you were forgotten, but ultimately, think about long-term.

That sucks OP. I'd be hurt too. But I can't see how raising it would help now.

How do you feel about your job generally? Might it be time to move on?

Do you contribute to gifts in work. I'm trying to find a reason for this.
Personally I wouldn't mention it to your manager unless the company bought a gift, if they did then I'd raise the issue with the company.

I share a birthday with a colleague. We work remotely (all rarely meet). Without fail on my birthday there will be a deluge of 'Happy birthday' to male colleague on Slack, and WhatsApp, come late afternoon someone might remember it's also my birthday. They are your work colleagues not your friends, remember that and keep them at a professional distance.

Don't mind them. Congratulations on your baby.
I might mention it to the manager on the quiet if they organised it.

I would be surprised if this was malicious. Did you say you didn’t want anything? Or something about it being bad luck?

Sometimes that sort of thing does happen so people don’t want to ask just in case.

It pays to think the best of people instead of assume the worst.

Sadly I see this happening at many workplaces I have been in.
There are generally a core group of people who get birthday cards, gifts etc etc, and others who get fuck all.

I don't think your manager can do anything. They can't force people to buy cards or gifts for people at work.

@lyralalala

Your manager is out of line. As a manager they should either organise all the collections or none of them.

Manager can't stop a group of people collecting money and sending stuff. I've never really known a manager to get involved in it, unless they contribute.

I think whether you're right to be annoyed depends a bit on whether the gift was organised by the manager on behalf of your company, i.e. as a company policy and using company money, or if it was a bit of a rattle tin collection round the desks and the manager may not have even been the one to organise it.
We have a mix of the two at my place and it depends on team budgets etc too so it does vary quite a lot. I'm not personally keen on this type of thing where it's organised and paid for by the staff themselves because it inevitably leads to some people being more generously celebrated than others depending on who organises, how popular the person is, how close to payday we are, etc etc and I don't really see how that doesn't end up being a bit demoralising for the people who are overlooked. And also really uncomfortable for the more junior staff who are often asked to contribute to gifts etc by people on much higher salaries who probably don't realise how material it can end up being for their finances when it's something almost every week.

In my workplace you would appear unprofessional and high drama to raise this issue.

No one is entitled to gifts and you can't force people to feel interested if they aren't. Apparently this coworker has a different/closer relationship with some colleagues. I would focus on what I do have rather than what I don't, OP.

Manager can't stop a group of people collecting money and sending stuff. I've never really known a manager to get involved in it, unless they contribute.

@YummyJamDoughnut My reply was to the OP's post stating that the manager organised the collection for her colleague

@Dishwashersaurous

When you are asked to contribute to a new baby card/ gift respond with “I thought as a company we didn’t do those, I didn’t receive a card, therefore I will not be contributing “

This will just seem petulant and immature. A moment's satisfaction at the cost of her reputation as a professional.

I feel for you op! It's awkward isn't it?
I had one job where I was moving on to a new job. I only had to give one week notice but since I got on well with the manager, I gave 3. In that time, 2 other people handed their notice in and left. I contributed to each of their leaving gifts but when I came to leave, I didnt even get a card. I just figured that people had run out of money after giving to their first 2.
On the flip slide, in my current job I've been inundated.
I left to persue further training and got a lovely gift.
I came back and then got married and had another wonderful gift.
I then had a baby and they threw me a baby shower.
I then moved house and got a bunch of flowers.
I had a big birthday and got another bunch of flowers.
I've just left again to start mat leave for a second time and told them all to save their money!
Both places I felt valued and appreciated but I've never expected anything extra from anyone. Save on the disappointment.

This happened to me - I felt gutted.

Do not do what @Dishwashersaurous suggests.

Incredibly petty.

This has happened to me twice and I get how hurtful it is.
1st time was when a colleague and I had our 30th birthdays one day apart from each other. It was well known that it was both our birthdays as we had both put up invitations to our parties (on consecutive weekends) and there’d been lots of chat about them. My manager sent a mass email out arranging a big collection for my colleague’s birthday and making plans for attending her party. Literally nothing happened for my birthday only one day after my colleague’s but she got gifts, a big card and balloons. We both started the job at the same time and ran in the same social circle, the only difference was the manager was very cliquey with my colleague but not me.
The 2nd time was when I adopted my son. A colleague had a baby a few weeks before my son came home and there was a big company wide collection for gifts. I then went off on leave with my son and received nothing. When I returned to work I was asked to arrange a collection for another colleague who was leaving to have her baby. I felt so hurt that my journey hadn’t been acknowledged as much as my colleagues - we were all bringing children into our lives, the only difference was that I didn’t physically give birth to my son.
I totally get where you’re coming from but I’m not sure what positives come from a conversation about it with management. But then I’m really afraid of confrontation so perhaps my judgement is skewed.

Oh and I can also add that in the 1st workplace I mentioned, two more similar situations arose.
Firstly, I felt incredibly hurt when I had to go off work on long term sickness with terrible mental health problems and then again for two operations and I received nothing from work to acknowledge it. However, my colleagues who also had similar operations or were off work long term with physical health problems were sent huge bouquets of flowers and get well soon cards.
Secondly, when I left there was no collection or acknowledgment of me leaving at all. Unlike other colleague who got gifts, cards, mentions in the work newsletter and during final meetings.
It all made me feel like I didn’t even exist!