My friend is having an affair with a married man

[Brea91]

It's been going on for about 10 months. Obviously they haven't been meeting up very often now, however, they text every day and they speak on the phone. They're planning to meet next week when they'll work working in the same area

The man is married and has a 4 month old baby. He was texting my friend while his wife was in labour, telling her what happened and even sent her a picture of the baby.

He has sent her jewellery, flowers, expensive lingerie etc.

What can I say to her to make her see sense?
I feel terrible for his wife but I also want to be there for my friend- what would you do?

Men like this can be incredibly manipulative. Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do or say - presumably she knows on the surface of it it's wrong but it's going to have to be her decision ultimately to end it. I think the fact she's told you probably indicates she is searching for a bit of tough love - if she didn't want to hear it was wrong she would just keep it to herself. I can't imagine she thought you'd be totally supportive and really pleased for her.
I wouldn't 'unfriend' her personally, we don't have to agree with all our friends moral choices at all times and frankly you aren't directly involved in the situation, so whilst you can advise I'm not sure on what grounds you'd end the friendship. Obviously this may have an impact on how you view her character overall though so I won't be surprised if longer term you find yourself drifting apart somewhat.

Listen to the 'no strings attached' podcast.
This man was also texting his mistress whilst wife in labour etc.
Woman he tried to kill still sounds strangely under his spell.
Quite mad.

I would phase her out.

Whatever her reasons, sad background etc, she's proven herself an extremely untrustworthy person capable of great callousness, and I wouldn't want that anywhere near me, or my family.

I'm sure he has told her lies. But this-

The man is married and has a 4 month old baby. He was texting my friend while his wife was in labour, telling her what happened and even sent her a picture of the baby.

I like to think nowadays I would disown a friend for something like this. She's shagging a bloke who has a wife, while the wife was pregnant and now when they have a tiny baby.

I would make it clear you don't like what she's doing, and distance yourelf from her. If you were to outright say you're not going to have anything to do with her while she's doing it, she might not see you again after the split.

So you could a) just say you don't have friends that do that

and/or

b) Say you don't think it's ok, then distance yourself, don't see her much/at all until they split. x

Both a disgrace but I wouldn’t get involved .

Don’t get involved. Someone very close to me was the wife in a situation similar to this: she and her then DH had a four-year-old child and were trying for a second baby. Unbeknown to the wife, he had been having an affair with a woman 14 years younger than him (in her early 20s), for around eight months. Their marriage ended, but only because the wife found out and filed for divorce. he admitted that his ideal scenario was to have stayed married to his wife, and had this young woman on the side - he said he didn’t see her as a long-term prospect… He ended up living with this other woman, and eventually they got married and had a child of their own. He gets on better now with his ex-wife and he ever did, but admitted to her that the only reason he was marrying this girl was that ‘no one better’ had come along. What a charmer, eh?

It did happen to me that I was exploited/manipulated/coerced by a married man as I have a severe mental health disability and he was a therapist (not mine) so he knows exactly how to play people.

I agree with PP's description of it as sometimes being a cult.

Think he could even have showed me pics of a newborn and spun some lie, and I would've thought nothing of it and carried on. He was a charmer with self-confessed narcissistic traits.

But I still think you should withdraw from her, at least until it's over (for good.)

If I were you I would definitely be tempted to tell the wife (you needn't say who he's cheating with maybe, just that he's cheating. After all, your friend might well not be the only one.) I wouldn't be telling her in order to alter the situation with your friend in any way, just because I thought the wife should know. But I suppose maybe not tell her so soon after she's had a baby, IDK.

I know someone who has been having an affair with a married man (who has children) for about 17 years, they also have a son together. The wife was told but chooses to turn a blind eye. I stay out of it especially since the wife let's it carry on for the sake of her husband not leaving her.

Don't get involved. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I’d struggle to be friends with someone who enjoyed the humiliation of another human being.

And that’s what she’s revelling in.

She’s not a good person.

I would literally have to say “friend, I love you to bits but this situation that you’re in is so fucked up I can’t take it anymore. I’ll always be there for you but I can’t whilst this situation with married man is ongoing. It just makes me feel so sorry for the wife and knowing that you’re party to that makes me feel really upset. You’re a friend who I love because you’re funny, kind, etc and this is so beyond normal for you I can’t get to grips with it. This ain’t over but I have to step back as it’s messing with my head and thinking about his poor wife and baby how he’s got both of you over a barrel.

I’ll say it again, I love you. But I can’t process what you’re doing right now so I have to step back.

Love

Your friend xxx”

I'd be messaging the wife, she's the victim in this and she needs to know. Who knows how many other bits of fluff he has? He could be taking home anything and passing it onto her.

I'd want to know, newborn or not. He's a piece of shit and she deserves to know what he's doing to their relationship.

I might tell her that you're disappointed, and that you love her and think she deserves so much better.

There must be something up with her self esteem if she is satisfied taking scraps off someone else's table.

I couldn't be friends with someone who thought his behaviour was ok enough to still be in a relationship with them, I mean texting a picture of your new born and texting whilst the poor woman is in labour. She must be a pretty despicable human being to not think this is wrong on so many levels and to have any empathy for the poor woman who they are both deceiving.

Fucking vile human beings.

To the PP saying she must have told me for a reason/ to talk her out of it, that's what I was thinking too. However, I know that's not my responsibility.

Whether to tell the wife or not, I don't know. She might not even believe me, she has no idea who I am.

Sending photos of the baby? What on earth...poor wife

You don’t necessarily need to talk her out of it but I’d be pointing out he’s hardly a nice man treating his wife like that, his marriage can’t be that bad or he wouldn’t have been getting her pregnant would he? Does a wee newborn deserve to have her dad discard her/him so easily?
He’s lying to his wife and to her.

You’ve tried to reason with her but she’s ignored you so I‘d drop her completely at this point and be very clear with her as to why.

Yes, it’s a car crash but you can walk away from it. The poor wife and new mother has no choice but to suffer the consequences of their actions. Pair of absolute shits.

Nothing you say will make a difference if she’s literally seen a photo of their newborn and doesn’t give a shit.

Nail on the head.

People make bad choices for lots of reasons and I don't necessarily believe that anyone who sleeps with a married man must automatically a terrible person whatever the circumstances. But looking at that innocent baby, who is totally dependent on its parents for everything and didn't ask to be born into their dysfunctional shit-show of a marriage, should have been a massive wake-up call for OP's friend. If she had a shred of empathy surely she would have been instantly filled with regret on seeing that picture and ended things on the spot?
In OP's shoes I would never be able to look at my friend in quite the same way if she was able to carry on the affair after that.

@Washimal

Nothing you say will make a difference if she’s literally seen a photo of their newborn and doesn’t give a shit.

Nail on the head.

People make bad choices for lots of reasons and I don't necessarily believe that anyone who sleeps with a married man must automatically a terrible person whatever the circumstances. But looking at that innocent baby, who is totally dependent on its parents for everything and didn't ask to be born into their dysfunctional shit-show of a marriage, should have been a massive wake-up call for OP's friend. If she had a shred of empathy surely she would have been instantly filled with regret on seeing that picture and ended things on the spot?
In OP's shoes I would never be able to look at my friend in quite the same way if she was able to carry on the affair after that.

You are correct.

Its him that's in the wrong. He obviously tells her he loves her and all the rest.

He's just using her. I was a gullible 19 yr old virgin when I got chased by a married man of 35 . I was extra vulnerable as I was still grieving for my Dad. He was a serial cheat. It was about boredom, ego & thrill of the chase. He's still around, his wife finally dumped him & a woman half his age fleeced him of every or my. Karma. He treated women like objects for his amusement . He's damaged but totally un self aware. Also having always worked where it's 90% male, I'm no longer shocked by how predatory married men are. It's what she doesn't know doesn't matter re their wives.

That should read: Fleeced him of every penny