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Original poster

My friend is having an affair with a married man

98 replies

Brea91 · 10/09/2020 22:49

It's been going on for about 10 months. Obviously they haven't been meeting up very often now, however, they text every day and they speak on the phone. They're planning to meet next week when they'll work working in the same area

The man is married and has a 4 month old baby. He was texting my friend while his wife was in labour, telling her what happened and even sent her a picture of the baby.

He has sent her jewellery, flowers, expensive lingerie etc.

What can I say to her to make her see sense?
I feel terrible for his wife but I also want to be there for my friend- what would you do?

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 11/09/2020 10:19

If you want to be there for your friend, you can be there for her when the relationship ends - either when she comes to her senses and dumps him, or when she eventually gets screwed over.

Louise91417 · 11/09/2020 10:19

Both your friend and married man are 2 shits..id stay well out of it and i certainly wouldnt be moping any tears up when it all goes tits up.

romeolovedjulliet · 11/09/2020 10:22

so some of us are catty bitches, indeed, some of us set the bar higher than being taken for a mug and some idiot who can't keep it in his trousers.

Friendsoftheearth · 11/09/2020 10:23

Stay out of it. I would think less of someone for having an affair but ultimately it has nothing to do with anyone else.

022828MAN · 11/09/2020 10:23

Yikes! That's a tough one. I'd just make it clear you don't want to hear anything about it from now on. If she brings him up just say you don't agree with the affair and don't want to know. She'll have to reflect on why that is.

unmarkedbythat · 11/09/2020 10:27

MN is so fucking judgmental on this. I can't believe people are saying defriend her - glad none of them are my friends, they sound like catty bitches.

Biscuit
WhatWillSantaBring · 11/09/2020 10:27

@romeolovedjulliet

so some of us are catty bitches, indeed, some of us set the bar higher than being taken for a mug and some idiot who can't keep it in his trousers.
So you wouldn't be friends with someone who (for reasons you may not know about) is having an affair with a married man, because she fails to live up to your standards?

What if that person had such chronically low self esteem (after being bullied throughout her childhood) that she couldn't actually see that she deserved to be with someone who cares about her? (Because I 100% know someone who only had a relationship with a married man, not because she was an uncaring bitch, but instead naive, young and very very damaged)

LouisBalfour · 11/09/2020 10:28

It’s none of your business, you don’t know the whole story and you shouldn’t get involved.

WhatWillSantaBring · 11/09/2020 10:30

Thanks for the biscuit. I was hungry!

I could not be friends with someone who de-friended another person for having an affair. I'd rather have a friend who was having an affair than a friend who thought she was that fucking perfect that she was able to judge someone else.

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/09/2020 10:31

@NotThatKindOfDoctor

Your friend is a piece of shit. She knowingly had an affair with a man who’s wife was pregnant, and wasn’t repulsed by the fact that he was texting her WHILE HIS WIFE WAS IN LABOUR. He is obviously unforgivably appalling, but she is also repugnant. She doesn’t deserve your support.
This
romeolovedjulliet · 11/09/2020 10:35

What ifi had a friend who i knew had such low self esteem i'd be encouraging her to get help and not go down that route of married men. other than that yes i would judge someone. i wouldn't wan to be friends who does this for fun / drama. that's my opinion and no one else has to agree. if that makes me a bitch i'll take it as a compliment.

Florencex · 11/09/2020 10:36

@WhatWillSantaBring

Thanks for the biscuit. I was hungry!

I could not be friends with someone who de-friended another person for having an affair. I'd rather have a friend who was having an affair than a friend who thought she was that fucking perfect that she was able to judge someone else.

It isn’t just the affair though is it? It is the fact the wife was pregnant, that they were texting whilst she was in labour and that she was sent a photo of the newborn and still didn’t stop and think this is wrong.
ivegonegreyfindingausername · 11/09/2020 10:39

Even if your friend sees sense and ends the affair it's clear this man has low morals and will just find some one else. Although your friend clearly has low morals too if she is still willing to be with this man after he sent her updates and a picture of his newborn.
Your friend probably isn't the first affair he's had.
The poor wife deserves to know, whether you let her know anonymously is really something you have to decide. Put yourself in the wife's shoes and ask if you would appreciate knowing.
I think you need to show your friend some tough love.

fortysomething78 · 11/09/2020 10:42

I'd back away.
I think I would cool the relationship with the friend and let her know that I'm not happy with her current life choices.

Mylittlepony374 · 11/09/2020 10:45

She's seen a photo of his newborn, knows he text her while his wife was in labour, and is still hanging on, so there is NOTHING you can say that will stop her. She's despicable and so is he. Get away from them. This is so grim.

Heartlake · 11/09/2020 10:48

You have nothing to lose. A good friend will give a friend some tough love.

"Look, I adore you as a friend, and we've been friends a long time. I just can't agree with what you're doing with a married man, on so many levels. I don't want you to be hurt, which I think you will be, but I respect that whatever you do is your choice.

"I'll always be here for you if it doesn't work out, and indeed if you end up together - but that will take a lot of tough decisions and actions from you both.

"In the meantime you know where I am, and I wish you well, but I can't support you in something that in my view is so damaging to you and other people."

I've done something similar (different reasons). I lost the friend. But really I'd lost her anyway. A good friend should be there through good and bad, and should be able to be comfortable with their own conscience.

bevelino · 11/09/2020 10:50

I could never be friends with someone like this. As other posters have described she is an absolute disgrace, as is he.

Midge75 · 11/09/2020 10:51

My sister had an affair with a married man. He fed her all the usual lines about how the marriage was dead, they were only living together for the sake of the children, blah, blah, blah, and my sister, who is an intelligent woman, drank it all in without question. We couldn't believe she could be so stupid. She never queried why she'd never met his kids or friends. He sent her pictures of his newborn - not his son, but his grandson!! (He was a young, 44 year old grandpa!). Of course, it transpired he was actually perfectly content to be 'happily' married, go on family holidays and have my sister on the side. She only woke up to it when she saw pictures of the family holiday on facebook when he'd told her he was away somewhere else. Ordinary people can be really stupid. She needs to ditch him, obviously. The wife should probably be told. I wouldn't necessarily drop the friend, but you have to be firm with where you stand on this.

user1471565182 · 11/09/2020 10:55

Id tell the wife. Why should scumbags get away with their crap endlessly?

Nomorepies · 11/09/2020 11:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Legallyblondeee · 11/09/2020 11:11

Donning my hard hat here.I was once the woman that OP is describing. It’s something I’m not proud of and looking back now I don’t even know who I was. I’d come out of a long term relationship and my self esteem was rock bottom. I fell for a man 20 years older than me and he was married. I still to this day think he targeted me because I was in a vulnerable place ( I’m not making excuses I know exactly how much pain I inflicted) I came to my senses when My best friend of 15 years told me that he would never leave his “ wife that had a serious alcohol problem and they led two separate lives” was absolute horse crap and I’d fell for everything hook line and sinker. I’m glad my best friend didn’t judge me. I’m glad she was there for me to tell me these things. To tell me what hurt I was causing myself and his wife. And most of all I’m glad she was there to get me through the months that followed. Be that friend that she can look back to when she needs you. There’s no need to get angry over a situation that really doesn’t involve you.
Just for closure The wife did make contact with me quite a few years after I’d ended it. Turns out he always had form of this and is still doing the same thing. We are on relatively good terms.

Lemming20 · 11/09/2020 11:12

I’m a mum of a 4month old. If this was my husband I would absolutely want to know so I could ditch him immediately. Your friend is being at best naive but he is vile. His poor wife.

northstars · 11/09/2020 11:12

What an appalling situation. I would stay out of it, and distance myself from the friend.

ExclamationPerfume · 11/09/2020 11:14

Your friend and the married man are disgusting. I could not stay friends with someone having an affair. She has no morals.

SBTLove · 11/09/2020 11:16

Yes his wife is so awful that he got her pregnant just before starting up with your pal🙄
Surely she isn’t this naive? or just a selfish cunt?
Tell her to bin him and have a think how she’s feel in his wife’s place.

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