My friend is having an affair with a married man

[Brea91]

It's been going on for about 10 months. Obviously they haven't been meeting up very often now, however, they text every day and they speak on the phone. They're planning to meet next week when they'll work working in the same area

The man is married and has a 4 month old baby. He was texting my friend while his wife was in labour, telling her what happened and even sent her a picture of the baby.

He has sent her jewellery, flowers, expensive lingerie etc.

What can I say to her to make her see sense?
I feel terrible for his wife but I also want to be there for my friend- what would you do?

She loves that you are bothered, she loves the attention she is getting and the drama. Distance yourself from her. Let her make her own mistakes.

Hopefully someone will tell the poor wife so she can decide what to do and whether the cheat should be kicked out. I feel for the wife and no-one else in this situation.

@dayswithaY

Your friend is not being manipulated. She is willingly lapping up the attention and allowing this relationship to flourish. This is all her choice, clearly he hasn't lied about anything.

Any woman who can gaze at a pic of a new born and still behave like this is a very cold and selfish person. She really doesn't deserve your friendship or misguided support. Get as far away from this toxic situation as you can, I guarantee it will not end well.

This.

Don't get involved she needs to learn on her own. Be there when it does end and she will be upset.

Your friend is willingly having an affair with a married man whose wife was pregnant. You won't be making her see sense, she has none.

@Brea91

We've been friends for a long time. She's 10 years younger than him. I don't like him at all. I think he's manipulative and controlling, but she can't see it.

She also could not see Or did not care how wrong it was for a man to be texted another woman whilst his wife was in labour. There is something wrong with her, I wouldn’t be friends with somebody lacking basic human decency. What is it you think she needs your support for?

It is awful for everyone involved. But people are great at torturing themselves and buying dreams.

I am afraid I have gone LC on a friend for the same reason. I tried to explain that they were being manipulated but they were high on the "whirlwind romance". I did not have the mental strength to witness this slow car crash.

I don’t get it. This man is showing her he’s a shit of the highest order and yet she still wants him and thinks he is some sort of prize?

OP was your friend brought up in a difficult home? Does she normally go after men that are manipulative or controlling? Does she have very low self esteem and/or boundaries in relationships? How old is she?

I agree with others that I'm shocked that she could look at the pic and carry on. But that seems quite an extreme thing for her to do, to accept that her DP is with his wife whilst she is in labour and see a pic of the newborn and not be bothered. Some people are awful and have no morals but some people are affected by their upbringing that almost attracts them to controlling types or anyone who shows an form of affection, this makes them very vulnerable.

I would tell the wife though, I know its not popular on here but I always believe they have a right to know and make a decision.

Your friend is a piece of shit. She knowingly had an affair with a man who’s wife was pregnant, and wasn’t repulsed by the fact that he was texting her WHILE HIS WIFE WAS IN LABOUR. He is obviously unforgivably appalling, but she is also repugnant. She doesn’t deserve your support.

None of your business (in the nicest possible way!). Keep out of it and if she starts to talk about it / him tell her you do not approve and don't want to hear about it. I would not tell the wife - you do not know her, her situation, the marriage .... maybe she knows but if she does not this could have devastating consequences for which you do not want to be responsible. Yeh, and the man sounds like a twat.

I would absolutely break off the friendship. Assuming that she does not have any disabilities that would affect her judgment in this matter she is an adult and knows exactly what she's doing. Stop trying to make excuses for her.

It's not up to you to teach her the error of her ways, but neither is it required of you to continue the friendship.

It sounds nasty but I presume your friend enjoys being a mistress and has no intention of breaking up a marriage. If that is the case she will eventually move on to the next one.

He is yeuch starting an affair when his wife was pregnant and continuing it after she had his baby.

Whatever, there is nothing you can do about it.

Well there will be lots of tears soon

Step back and say you don’t want to know

But no anonymous messages it’s really not your business to be the morality police

I’m sorry but I am also of the ‘your friend is not a helpless woman being manipulated’. The wife is being manipulated, she is the vulnerable one, she has committed her whole life to her husband and willing carried his child.

That your friend is completely happy receiving pictures of her affair partner’s newborn baby is chilling and extremely cruel. I would be utterly horrified if any of my friends did this, and I would cut them out of my life for good. Your friend is actively participating in the emotional abuse of another woman. It really is that cruel.

I know because I was that ‘wife’. Our baby son was in intensive care and he was still texting the OW (well several OW). I will never, ever get over that betrayal. I felt it even when I didn’t know. I felt so alone whilst pregnant and our baby was sick. I’m glad that I now know I wasn’t going mad, when I found out, but believe me, the damage is being done right now to the wife - secret or not.

Also, just to add. Much abuse happens when the wife becomes pregnant or before she does. When the wife is at her most vulnerable.

And by abuse, this could be financial, emotional, physical, on many levels.

I also now realize that cheating is often part of the abuse towards the woman. So men who cheat when their partner is pregnant - it is a huge, huge red flag that this is part of an abusive pattern. Your friend is likely forming part of this abusive pattern towards his wife (not her, as the OW is not vulnerable or committed in the way his wife is).

Your friend is a cow and deserves the heartbreak that will eventually happen. He deserves to have his balls removed. Walk away and have no sympathy when she comes crying.

It's one thing to have an affair and another to show utter contempt for women by cheating through your wife's pregnancy and delighting in texting your mistress whilst your wife is in labour.

I agree with the OP in that this man sounds like a manipulator, but that doesn't get OP's friend off the hook. She's seen a photo of her affair partner's newborn and continued to be complicit in him directing his time and energy away from his child.

Keep out of it OP. You've done your best and now you need to step back and probably put some distance between you and your friend. When the fantasy (if you can call it that) ends then she'll realise and you can be there for her then.

I have no solutions, but goodness I just feel so bad for the poor wife. Imagine going through such a huge life-changing experience, carrying and giving birth to a baby, only to have your waste of air husband betray you like that. It's just awful.

It's one thing to have an affair and another to show utter contempt for women by cheating through your wife's pregnancy and delighting in texting your mistress whilst your wife is in labour

Yup, if this is true, then he sure is one power tripping arse. God, he must have loved having the control and power over both of those women at that moment.

Your friend is a moral-compass free fool.

I don't know. I think some people are very, very good at manipulating others, and if someone is very vulnerable in some way, they can easily fall under the control of someone else. People join cults, after all, which make no sense and do nothing but damage, but while they are in it, they cannot see what's wrong.

Someone described being in a controlling relationship with a narcissist as being in 'a cult of two' and I think from what OP says that might apply here.

I'm not saying that she shouldn't see sense but sometimes people do get caught in situations where they act in ways they themselves later feel very ashamed of. I'm not sure there's anything you can do, other than keep talking to her about it, and asking questions like, what did you think when you saw the baby? What do you think his wife is doing when you're together? And keep trying to push her into some perspective.

Of course the wife is very vulnerable and the OW is part of that hurtful and destructive dynamic - but an abuser can certainly abuse and control two women at once, and it's just not as simple as saying the OW is an evil homewrecking hussy (I mean, that might be it, but it sounds like you've been friends a while and feel she is being manipulated, so...) OP, I wish you luck and strength in however you decide to deal with this difficult situation.

These kind of women like to put about the notion that they are ‘blind’ and ‘manipulated’.

I don’t believe it for a second. They enjoy it, it makes them feel special and powerful.
The ending is usually met with wailing and heartbreak where they put themselves as the ‘victim’.

Your friend is a terrible person.
You may think this is out of character but the chances are you just never knew the true person.
She’s showing you who she is. Listen and get a new friend.

i'd drop her like a brick and when it goes toes up she's on her own, he deserves everything he gets too. i have to wonder though if the wife might have an inkling about it but is unable to deal with it right now ? he might even be gaslighting her.
ow is possibly sticking around for the attention and gifts, if that stopped she'd probably drop him and moveonto another mug.

Best stay out of it. If you don't like it, don't bring it up as a subject or change subject if your friend does.

Do NOT tell the wife or get involved. Be there for your friend - when it goes wrong and he doesn't leave his wife (he won't) she'll need the pieces picking up.

MN is so fucking judgmental on this. I can't believe people are saying defriend her - glad none of them are my friends, they sound like catty bitches. I know men and women who have had affairs (either they're married, or the affairee is) - sometimes they leave their spouses, sometimes not, but it is NEVER as black and white as "he's /she is an vile person for cheating" as all the perfect women on here would have you believe. Sometimes they are, but IME, most of the men/women involved are just very unhappy/confused.