To despise my fucking evil toxic in laws

[FuckingInLaws]

Fucking hate the lot of them, the parents, the siblings, the lot. Fucking self-obsessed, arrogant twats. They think the sun shines out of their backsides and that everyone else is inferior. They treat everyone like shit. It’s the reason DH has had to “unlearn” a lot of their toxic behaviours and the reason we never go to see them. But they’re all still there, all the time, in the background, like a bad smell in life, always giving their two pence, trying their best to meddle and cause problems.

A few examples:

Mother in law bitching about me in front of me and my friends at a party. (She said her son was treated like a king when he lived with her and now not so much...and when I said he’s treated very well actually she told my friends I have a tendency to exaggerate and then laughed. My friends were all naturally shocked at the bitter old witch. DH was mortified when I told him.

Sister in laws and brother in laws do their utmost to meddle in our marriage, I think due to jealousy (we are happily married with three beautiful children). They each have a lot of personal problems and are constantly fighting with each other too, exchanging disgusting messages and swearing at each other - despite all claiming to be intelligent professional and classy people. I am disgusted by the way they speak to each other during any disagreement, their true colours come out, and they have also sworn in front of my kids in the past which DH has asked them not to do. One of the many reasons we rarely see them anymore.

They’ve been known to “advise” my DH about how he should be doing things like hiding money away from me (open a secret bank account they said) and for context this was at a time when DH had received a large pay out, which he obviously shared with me. Scheming pricks.

Always inviting DH to things without inviting me. Being all sweet to my face on the rare occasions we meet but acting like they are above me and my family and never showing any interest in me or the kids. Just DH, their “prince”. Excuse me while I vomit.

I wish I had the balls to tell them all what I really think of them! That they are utterly evil and vile human beings and I’ll be so happy if they ever just fuck right off out of our lives. But I obviously don’t have the balls so I’m ranting on here instead. Please join me! Anyone else??

Thanks, @steemtranes!

Hmmm... one of those times when I'd be really interested to hear the other side of the story.

Charming. Well, in ten years I’ve never been anything but polite and respectful to them, despite their comments, despite constant criticism of me, my children, our home, my cooking, my parenting. You get the gist. But yes if you ever run into them please do ask why they are so utterly vile towards every person that marries into the family? (There are so far five of us, (in laws I mean), all of whom are made to feel completely inferior and as far as I am aware are treated like crap.

But yes I’m sure there’s a perfectly legitimate reason

Hi OP

If you can sort the wheat from the chaff on this thread, there is some good advice. Unfortunately this is AIBU where everyone loves a pile on. YOu might be better to repost this in relationships, you’ll get lots more good advice.

I would go very low contact with them, don’t tell them anything about your life and don’t show any interest in theirs. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Be indifferent.

Thanks @NotSorry! I agree, low contact is what we’re doing at the moment and DH has this morning decided to leave his crazy family WhatsApp group because the nastiness is getting too much on there. There is a lot of bullying going on from older siblings towards younger siblings at the moment and he just can’t bear to see it anymore. It’s clear some of them need professional help. He has also agreed that due to the most recent spate of horrible comments we should basically stop all contact, which is fantastic! Finally free!

Get over it. Take up another interest.

@FuckingInLaws

Good for you - just be prepared for the flying monkeys trying to suck you back in - if you have a look on the relationships board there is a lot of good advice on there about toxic relatives

You don’t need them. How goes your DH feel? Does he need them?

My DH gave his GPSs one chance after they’d been incredibly rude “you will treat my wife with the respect she deserves if you want to see me” sort of thing - they were rude again, he never saw them again. His other GPs were amazing wonderful people and we both adored them.

No one HAS to have nasty people in their lives. You both need to cut them from your lives and you will be happier for it.

@help1help

Hmmm... one of those times when I'd be really interested to hear the other side of the story.

Me too!

He has also agreed that due to the most recent spate of horrible comments we should basically stop all contact, which is fantastic! Finally free!

If this changes - another poster on another thread posted this - warning not good for those who dislike swearing - which might help.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vqbk9cDX0l0

I found my IL social group shifting - job changes hanging out with different people and a lot of this sort of stuff declined so I do think there can be a bit of group mentallity to this kind of behavior.

Why can't you just detach yourself from them physically and emotionally and let your oh have the relationship with him as he wishes with the rule that he tells you nothing about what is being said there?

The above is so obvious I didn't help but think that those who don't do such as that remain caught up in it all because deep inside, they crave the drama and therefore fuel it too.

How did you manage to meet and fall in love with your DH - you know, the one you are very happy with but who had to unlearn a lot of toxic behaviours?

I think if you managed to fall in love with him and his behaviours, then you could possibly just politely get on with his family on rare occasions you meet. Or you could just not meet up with them (but obviously not stop your DH seeing his family if he wishes).

Yes I would have absolutely no problem with DH meeting them, of course. They are his family. But he’s also one who dislikes drama, swearing and toxic behaviours so has made the decision to remove himself from the group chat and have nothing to do with them anymore. If he changed his mind one day that wouldn’t be a problem for me. I’m just glad he respects that I don’t need to meet or pander to them. When I’d had my first baby they expected me to put on a great feast and be a bloody servant to them for a whole week. It was ridiculous and DH did tell them to respect me and not to ask for so much but it went in one ear and out the other. Thankfully they have never been asked back to stay overnight again.

It would obviously have been nice to be treated like a part of their family from the outset but they have this weird thing about not including in-laws. That’s not my thing personally; my family has always included all the people who have married into it when it comes to invitations and get togethers. Generally we see those people like my DH as a part of our family. I guess some families are different and just want to keep to their own.

I just don’t know how people think they can treat others like dirt and it won’t affect how much people want to spend time with them. Bizarre.

@Itsabeautifuldayheyhey he had already distanced himself physically (around 5 hours’ drive away from them) before we met. So had already realised that a lot of his family’s behaviours were abhorrent.

If they live five hours drive away, this feels like a very extreme way to feel. I don’t understand why you’re giving them any head space at all.

Cut them out. Problem solved.

Not sure what all the fuss is about. Nobody is forcing you to have a relationship with them and if anyone does, cut them out too. Life is too short for toxic assholes.

How much do you actually need to have anything to do with them? Surely it's pretty much zero. If your dh tells you they do things like advise him to have a getaway fund then he's on your side so that's ok.

Can you try and develop a sense of humour about it all like pp with fil's money recording wall chart?

The amount of anger you have can only damage you in the long run. If the inlaws are as bad as you say they won't give a fuck what you think!

They definitely don’t give a damn what I think, all they care about is what DH thinks which is why everything is a ploy with them to suck him back in. It’s amazing how people who are so far away can still infect your life, whether that’s through messages to him or bizarrely calling up my family randomly to bitch about the fact that DH is spending money on a holiday or a house extension or something else for our family/kids that leaves them seething. And how he should be paying money to his family instead They are nasty, jealous little leeches. The sad part is I wouldn’t even be bothered if he decided to pay them regularly, I’ve actively encouraged it in the past only to be told no he’d rather save it for us, ie. me and the kids. FYI my family also think they’re all batshit and only speak to them because they’re caught off guard by random Withheld number calls.

I guess my rant was largely due to the fact that there have been lots and lots and lots of hurtful actions and comments by them. I’m by no means precious about things and usually have quite a thick skin. I’d just like to avoid the next time they say something horrible to try and hurt me like calling my children skinny and saying they look really ill and I don’t feed them well enough (they are absolutely fine and healthy and all well within the normal weight range) but because DH’s family are all overweight they either feel jealous or just like kids in the family to be a little fatter. Who knows. Or telling DH when they rarely see him that he’s lost weight (when he’s been keeping fit / jogging etc) and saying things like “doesn’t your wife feed you and the kids or does she only feed herself”. It’s just pathetic And totally disrespectful. Thankfully I don’t have to hear that nonsense anymore.

I think the quiet dignity you wrote your op with is something to behold..

@Bluntness100 I’ve shown a lot of restraint haven’t I?

Indeed...😂

I thought the hamburger was an auto correct for yanbu?

(Sorry for the derail, good fucking luck with that lot of bastards OP)

So very early on somebody posts 'hamburger' without any other comment and that sets the tone for future replies. Really?

Any OP can only give a few examples out of many years of behaviour. She has said she's here for a rant. That the language is getting it out of her system.

But somehow it's been decided that it must be false, or that she is the baddie here and her ILs are fine.

Not MN at its best.

@FuckingInLaws

Charming. Well, in ten years I’ve never been anything but polite and respectful to them, despite their comments, despite constant criticism of me, my children, our home, my cooking, my parenting. You get the gist. But yes if you ever run into them please do ask why they are so utterly vile towards every person that marries into the family? (There are so far five of us, (in laws I mean), all of whom are made to feel completely inferior and as far as I am aware are treated like crap.

But yes I’m sure there’s a perfectly legitimate reason

It’s a bit similar in my DH’s family. My DH’s sister’s DH is treated respectfully to his face but they still backchat about him. Bil’s wife and I get openly mocked or ridiculed - me more than her because she comes from a rich ‘legacy’ family in India.

This comes from the family though not my mil thank goodness but I sympathise. You should just ignore them - best not to get involved.

The hamburger thing is so childish.

OP you sound like you are now at the easy bit- you won’t need to put up with them anymore or impress them- finally free 🥳 I would just enjoy it and leave them to it. And I would ask my husband not to moan about them to me if he chooses to see them- that way you get to keep your emotional distance from the situation.