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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or am I a spoilt brat?

70 replies

spidermomma · 10/09/2020 11:09

Pretty much that...

So today I'm ment to go to the hair salon and get my hair done... it's that simple right ? No never for me

dh got called into work so he won't be home to collect the children from school
My oldest 2 are in school and my mother was ment to have my 8mo

So I said could she collect the kids as my appointment ran 30 mins after the 1st school collection- DD comes out 15 mins later (covid safety times ) and I'd just meet her at my house -15min walk so pretty much pick kids up an drop them off cos il be back at same time.

My oldest 2 have disability's that are pretty new and very intense so iv had a really shit year Iv not had a single day without them and very little help as dh works allot as we still have bills to pay. (I really don't mind this as it's life ) doesn't help I have a teething crawling baby who just wants his mummy now too! This all happened when I was about 7months pregnant so yea our lives totally changed. Now with a new baby. With 2 disabled kids who I have to watch 24/7 and are on medical diets now

My mum has never had the kids for me. She's had my oldest before he got ill a handful of times if I had to do something urgently. She rarely sees me unless I go hers (Iv now stopped this as I don't drive and public transport isn't good at the best of times now with 3 youngsters and covid its a no go)

She called me last night and said shes to tierd to have the baby an to collect the kids today so therefor I couldn't go for my hair done. I made the appointment over 2 months ago, she was happy have the baby for 2 hours only difference is Iv asked her to walk my oldest 2 home. She doesn't live far. I havnt had my hair done in 2 years it was genuinely a pick me up as I'm feeling so low an my husband said it's a good idea for me to have some me time an not be focused on meds, nurses etc as iv had a lot to deal with. Just didn't fall well him been called in work but he can't say no an she knows this. She isn't working an my dad doesn't work. Iv asked her loads if she could watch the kids if I go for dinner an she literally ignores me. So I lost it last night. I was heartbroken at the fact she was letting me down all together an never wants to bother with my kids but posts all over social media about them (I don't do sm but people show me hers) so after an argument she said fine she will have them an meet me at my house but now I feel a brat at the fact we had to argue for her to help me ? She has seen me twice in 3 months nearly and she's only ever had my oldest son a handful of times I get 0 help from anyone. I genuinely don't ask anything of her ?

OP posts:
AriettyHomily · 10/09/2020 11:11

It sounds a bit shitty but does she feel like she cant cope with their demands? Does she drive? How old is she is it a covid based concern? Just being devils advocate...

Original poster
spidermomma · 10/09/2020 11:16

@AriettyHomily
No their both fine so nothing stopping them an My dad drives an the kids are good as gold as they do adore them when they see them. So my oldest will go in the car as he struggles to walk but the babys in a pram and my dd walks holding the pram or on a buggy board. It's not a disability she couldn't cope with as it's mostly under control but they still need 24 hour care from me but I'm not asking her to do any of the caring for them. It's just meds and diet that's difficult atm but she won't have to do any of that it's all me when I get back x

OP posts:
Original poster
spidermomma · 10/09/2020 11:18

@AriettyHomily she's 50 an not a covid concern she has my brothers kids all the time ! She knows iv been so low lately I just thought she would of been more helpful an let me have this me time ? She always says I do to much and I'm runnin myself into the ground. Iv lost half a stone in a week it's getting that ontop of me, all my friends mums help them and take the kids out and I get really jealous and think why can't my parents do that ? They do but only when I'm their. Was like this before the kids got ill x

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 10/09/2020 11:20

Unfortunately you can’t rely on people doing favours. Especially as it changed from a couple of hours of one baby to school pick ups, three children with two of them having extra needs.

It was a much, much bigger ask. And while plenty would be happy to do it, plenty wouldn’t.

It’s done now so I’d try to enjoy it.

You might not get the answers you want from this thread so I don’t know that it will add anything positive to your day. 😬

Original poster
spidermomma · 10/09/2020 11:23

Probably won't get anything positive from this. Last thing I need right now as I feel so shit anyway. Just want some support for once an I feel I'm asking for the world

OP posts:
pooopypants · 10/09/2020 11:24

You say that 2 of your DC have disabilities that are intensive - maybe she feels that she couldn't cope with them?

I don't want to come across as harsh but you stated your DC's issues and you wanting a break from meds etc, and then downplayed them when you wrote about your mum having the DC

It all sounds like a lot to deal with and it's shit that she's let you down though. And stop sending her pictures because she sounds like one of those GP who love to witter on about their DGC but not actually make any effort to see them but want to appear as doting GP

OhCaptain · 10/09/2020 11:27

@spidermomma

Probably won't get anything positive from this. Last thing I need right now as I feel so shit anyway. Just want some support for once an I feel I'm asking for the world
You can’t force people to want to help you though. And does her grudging agreement really help? You’re still upset about it now!

Enjoy your hair appointment. You absolutely deserve it.

But (and I do say this gently) you can’t make them want to help you so going forward have a think about how else you can get some time.

Maybe this weekend go to a Starbucks for a coffee. Meet a friend? While DH has them. Flowers

Original poster
spidermomma · 10/09/2020 11:27

@pooopypants they are intense I can't deny that. Their is worse of children but as it's new it's all new!. Iv found it harder lately but when it all happened she pushed for the medical training with myself an she came an she's done it all so theirs no reason really why she couldn't walk them home for me just been a pain as she doesn't like my dh much so she wanted him stay off work or me keep kids off so it was easier for her

OP posts:
PineappleUpsideDownCake · 10/09/2020 11:28

Why don't you just accept it wont work today and just book another appointment for the daytime when they will be in school? If you've awaited 2 years another few days won't matter.

Florencex · 10/09/2020 11:28

You say your dad doesn’t work, did you ask him to collect them from school? If you have asked your mum loads to have the children whilst you go to dinner, you need to take the hint, stop asking and find paid for baby sitters. I think you need to reset your expectations.

Original poster
spidermomma · 10/09/2020 11:30

@OhCaptain I know Il just make sure I can have a nice long soak in the bath over the weekend an have a breather as my friend is coming to visit the weekend after
Just wish wen she says she wants to help an support me she ment it as i need it right now :(

OP posts:
Original poster
spidermomma · 10/09/2020 11:33

@Florencex I Asked an he said he needed to ask my mum? Haha
Iv took the hint and won't be asking again. I only ask her as she's had training to be around my kids . A paid baby sitter hasn't got that. Iv offered to pay her !

OP posts:
fabulousathome · 10/09/2020 11:34

It sounds very difficult. And so unfair that she is interested in your DB's DC but not yours.

It is for a short time though and she should want to help you out.

She is lucky to be a grandma (I want to be one but no chance at the moment).

Sadly, you can't force her to do anything.

Hope you are able to enjoy your time at the hairdressers. No magazines at mine due to Covid (I always enjoyed the magazines there) so take something to read.

AllsortsofAwkward · 10/09/2020 11:36

Whats youre dad doing childcare is lovely but its not right and she might feel she's not able meet their needs fully especially if you say 2 are disabled and then a baby on top. I know my own mother would struggle to look after my 3 when they were young as she couldn't get them in and out of carseats.

AllsortsofAwkward · 10/09/2020 11:36

wheres youre inlaws op?

MotherPiglet · 10/09/2020 11:37

I understand you need a break and you need to discuss this with you DH and find some time that you can put aside as yours. To be honest, your dm could be overwhelmed at the thought of looking after 3 dgc alone who she doesnt normally see very often. Shes only looked after your eldest a few times.. you're now asking her to look after all 3, 2 of which have disabilities which again might be overwhelming her and you want her to walk them home rather than just be watching them at your or her house which could also be a factor.

Yabu, but you do need time to yourself.

Botherfreedays · 10/09/2020 11:37

Just remember to be 'too tired' in a few years when she needs your help.

RaisinGhost · 10/09/2020 11:43

I see why you are frustrated, it's just one of those annoying things though. Always seems to happen, doesn't it. I basically never go out, and my dc are rarely sick, but if I ever do have plans you can bet my dc will get sick that day!

What I don't see is why you are angry at your mum but your dad is getting off the hook.

Potterpotterpotter · 10/09/2020 11:43

If your DH wasn’t down to work which is why you booked the appointment why couldn’t he say no to going in?
I think the blame is more on him as it was purposely arranged for when he was home. He could of said he had no childcare as you were unavailable.

Potterpotterpotter · 10/09/2020 11:44

Also why couldn’t the in-laws help?

worriedmama1980 · 10/09/2020 11:45

You are not at all a spoilt brat. Asking for training implied that she would be available to help at least sometimes, and I don't think there is anything wrong with expecting some help from family, depending on the situation. So often you see people lumping together 'I think my parents should quit their jobs and mind my children full-time for free so I don't have to pay for childcare' with 'I have absolutely no respite, need someone to watch my children for an afternoon once every six months, there are no obstacles but still my parents won't help.'

However, knowing most people think your mother is being unreasonable won't actually help you unfortunately. Is there any way you could get an occasional babysitter who might have training? I think having some planned half-days off would do wonders for your mental health and wellbeing, but I think you should probably take this as a lesson your mum can't be relied upon to help.

RoseyOldCrow · 10/09/2020 11:49

@spidermomma I'm so sorry you feel so isolated & exhausted Flowers

You seem knowledgeable & realistic about your children's needs & medical situation, which is really important so congratulations on that. But despite your love & devotion to them, it can't be easy for you to have such constant responsibility, in addition to the usual parenting & domestic load.

I too recognise the issues of grandparents not supporting in practical ways; my DPs so rarely do anything to help my DCs or myself (it's me that has the main medical challenges in our family) and they are geographically close, have the health, time & finances... it is really disappointing, I feel rejected & unsupported & have done for years.

I have no smart practical suggestions to offer - not sure you need them - but just want you to know that someone else empathises with you.
The only other comment that I would make is one which I was told, it's a cliché but that's because it is true: You can't pour from an empty vessel.
So please, look after yourself, I wish you all the best.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 10/09/2020 11:50

As someone who's mum helps all the time and wants to I understand your frustration.

I would be very hurt if my mum didn't want to help out.

I have a 1 year old and a 2 year old and I'm currently abroad for surgery so mum is having the babies for a week and I am beyond grateful for it and even though I agree no one should have to help I do feel as a grandma/ mum you should want to help out even if just a bit and walking your kids home from school isn't asking for the world

Friendsoftheearth · 10/09/2020 11:52

I really really feel for you, and no you are most definitely not a spoilt brat.

You are not asking for the world to have one hair app in two years, but I am too long in the tooth and know better when it comes to expectations versus reality. Some people are not interesting in 'helping' others, or supporting anyone actually, and the quicker we accept that is the case the better.

Enjoy your hair appointment, ask your mother to speak with dh with any problems and turn your phone off. Pick up a magazine and a glass of wine, and make the bloody most of it. They will all be fine for a few hours, and perhaps an insight into your life every day will do no harm. They may never do it again, and have agreed reluctantly this time.

After this, make it your single goal to get some trusted help organised, so you have reliable support, time out and help. If nothing else this has highlighted the need for proper paid help even if it is for a few hours every week. Flowers for you

OhCaptain · 10/09/2020 11:58

A nice long bath should be at least once a week so make that a routine!

So glad your friend is coming, too.

I’m assuming that in-laws can’t/won’t help either or you would have mentioned it.

It’s good that you’ve decided to just not ask her again. It will save you feeling like this all the time.

Enjoy your hair appointment!

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