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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or am I a spoilt brat?

70 replies

spidermomma · 10/09/2020 11:09

Pretty much that...

So today I'm ment to go to the hair salon and get my hair done... it's that simple right ? No never for me

dh got called into work so he won't be home to collect the children from school
My oldest 2 are in school and my mother was ment to have my 8mo

So I said could she collect the kids as my appointment ran 30 mins after the 1st school collection- DD comes out 15 mins later (covid safety times ) and I'd just meet her at my house -15min walk so pretty much pick kids up an drop them off cos il be back at same time.

My oldest 2 have disability's that are pretty new and very intense so iv had a really shit year Iv not had a single day without them and very little help as dh works allot as we still have bills to pay. (I really don't mind this as it's life ) doesn't help I have a teething crawling baby who just wants his mummy now too! This all happened when I was about 7months pregnant so yea our lives totally changed. Now with a new baby. With 2 disabled kids who I have to watch 24/7 and are on medical diets now

My mum has never had the kids for me. She's had my oldest before he got ill a handful of times if I had to do something urgently. She rarely sees me unless I go hers (Iv now stopped this as I don't drive and public transport isn't good at the best of times now with 3 youngsters and covid its a no go)

She called me last night and said shes to tierd to have the baby an to collect the kids today so therefor I couldn't go for my hair done. I made the appointment over 2 months ago, she was happy have the baby for 2 hours only difference is Iv asked her to walk my oldest 2 home. She doesn't live far. I havnt had my hair done in 2 years it was genuinely a pick me up as I'm feeling so low an my husband said it's a good idea for me to have some me time an not be focused on meds, nurses etc as iv had a lot to deal with. Just didn't fall well him been called in work but he can't say no an she knows this. She isn't working an my dad doesn't work. Iv asked her loads if she could watch the kids if I go for dinner an she literally ignores me. So I lost it last night. I was heartbroken at the fact she was letting me down all together an never wants to bother with my kids but posts all over social media about them (I don't do sm but people show me hers) so after an argument she said fine she will have them an meet me at my house but now I feel a brat at the fact we had to argue for her to help me ? She has seen me twice in 3 months nearly and she's only ever had my oldest son a handful of times I get 0 help from anyone. I genuinely don't ask anything of her ?

OP posts:

ancientgran · 10/09/2020 11:59

As a granny who is almost 20 years older than your mum with an even older disabled husband I care for I just can't understand her. I can't imagine not helping my daughter if she was in your situation. You are far from a brat.

Gazelda · 10/09/2020 12:00

You're not being a spoilt brat.
Others have given wise words to help you deal with your feelings around your mum's unwillingness to help. All I will say is to book appts during school hours in future. Take a mag and a flask of coffee with you to the hairdressers (mine doesn't offer drinks now) and come out feeling and looking fabulous!

When you get home, busy yourself with the DC and give your mum a breezy 'thanks, I've got it from here'.
Swish your hair to your DC and DH tonight and tell them you want them to admire your new and beautiful locks. Make them laugh with you!
You deserve a bit of peace and attention.

Original poster

spidermomma · 10/09/2020 12:00

My mil had a stroke last week and she's due to have a triple heart bi pass in a few weeks and she's riddled with arthritis in her hands so she really can't! She stil makes effort to come round an visit every week tho even tho she can't help

She's trained to care for them. One will drive in the car an one will walk on a buggy board with a baby. By time she gets home because she daudles I'd be back an most likely have tea on! Haha
It is what it is but it won't be happening again!
She's quick enough ask me for something an come to get it tho! My dh paid for their car deposit not so long ago , I do everything they ask just feels ybfair an probably worse that I'm feelin low anyway ! X

OP posts:

timetest · 10/09/2020 12:03

Of course you are not being unreasonable. I can’t understand why your mother won’t be more helpful.

OhCaptain · 10/09/2020 12:07

She's quick enough ask me for something an come to get it tho! My dh paid for their car deposit not so long ago , I do everything they ask just feels ybfair an probably worse that I'm feelin low anyway ! X

Well that absolutely needs to stop!

choli · 10/09/2020 12:09

she doesn't like my dh much so she wanted him stay off work or me keep kids off so it was easier for her
Or she thinks your husband should step up and parent instead of coming up with work excuses not to parent his own kids.

Plussizejumpsuit · 10/09/2020 12:11

You aren't being a brat. I think people here often say grandparents don't have to look after children and it's true they don't but it is massively helpful when they do. I think it was probably too much for your mum and tbh. And actually it was your husband who created the situation. So yes it does suck you can't get a well deserved rest ithink it is unfortunately just one of those things which happens with small children. Can you buy yourself a nice bar of chocolate for today and reschedule the hair appointment?

anna114young · 10/09/2020 12:11

This sounds so tough. I really hope you enjoy your 'me time' this afternoon. Sounds like you deserve it!

NewToRenting · 10/09/2020 12:12

While I would normally agree with you, this was just a haircut appointment, which could have been rearranged. I would use favours for unavoidable stuff like work. Priorities!

ToastyCrumpet · 10/09/2020 12:12

What @botherfreedays said

Coffeecak3 · 10/09/2020 12:13

@choli bitter?

RandomMess · 10/09/2020 12:14

Sounds like all her energy goes into looking after your DB kids - is it just pure favouritism?

seayork2020 · 10/09/2020 12:16

Maybe your parents have things going on in their own life that makes looking after children again now they are older difficult?

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 10/09/2020 12:28

Could it be that your DM cannot cope with the intense disabilities your DC have?
She doesn't respond when you ask if she'll have the DC while you go out to dinner and is too tired to collect them from school today. I am wondering whether she just finds it too difficult to have them without you being present.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2020 12:30

You’re not being a brat but you need to accept they aren’t willing to do this and make other arrangements, I’m sorry. I know it would be great if you had them to fall back on, but you don’t, so you need to stop asking them repeatedly and stop pressuring them.

However with that comes the freedom of also being able to say no to them when they wish help.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/09/2020 12:30

Older! Her mum is 50!! Blimey, she's not old, should still have tons of energy if she's in good health. My best friend had her baby at almost 50 and has been running around after a toddler for the last 3 years.

MrPickles73 · 10/09/2020 12:34

Could you ask your inlaws or a friend who has children that they already need to pick up? I'd have no problems to entertain someone's kids for 30 mins.

MrPickles73 · 10/09/2020 12:35

If your Dad is more amenable - ask your Dad?

D4rwin · 10/09/2020 12:35

Time to stop sending the children her way. She's said she's too tired obviously her health has taken a hit now. Frustrating but inevitable.

DidoAtTheLido · 10/09/2020 12:36

You are not being a spoilt brat - no way.

I am sorry your Mum isn't more helpful and supportive, it always helps to have someone to help out from time to time.

Don't let this ruckus spoil your appointment - go off and get your hair done and relax.

[tea]

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 10/09/2020 12:38

If she said she would do it if you kept the DC off school that suggests she is willing to help but obviously isn't comfortable with being able to pick them up from school and get them home. I think YABU in criticising her when she clearly doesn't feel able to do it.

Ilen · 10/09/2020 12:41

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with such difficulties, but I agree with a pp -- save your mother for real emergencies if she struggles with having your three children, especially two with disabilities, and arrange your hair appointments or anything else flexible, for well inside the school day, so you can still make pick-up. I say this as someone with no family help at all.

TitianaTitsling · 10/09/2020 12:46

So my oldest will go in the car as he struggles to walk but the babys in a pram and my dd walks holding the pram or on a buggy board. how do you usually get them home if you don't drive? Would you need your dad to drive one child and mum to walk the others? Do they have appropriate car seat?

Missh07 · 10/09/2020 12:47

OP over here in the real world I'd say you're within your rights to feel pissed off. Sounds exactly like my mum to be honest and I haven't got half as much on my plate. Could it be the fact she has to walk maybe? My mums happy to do things as long as she hasn't got to leave the house or put herself out!

TheSoapyFrog · 10/09/2020 12:52

I really feel for you. One of my sons has severe learning disabilities and requires 24/7 care. None of my family can handle him and his twin. I found once I stopped asking, expecting and hoping, I felt less bitter about it.
I only ask in emergencies (like when I was rushed to hospital) or wait for an offer (they babysit both boys overnight for my birthday and I had my first child free day and night since they were born).
Is it possible to arrange respite? My son has a disability social worker and I'm going through the process of hiring a PA for my boy for a few hours a week.

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