Or am I a spoilt brat?

[spidermomma]

Pretty much that...

So today I'm ment to go to the hair salon and get my hair done... it's that simple right ? No never for me

dh got called into work so he won't be home to collect the children from school
My oldest 2 are in school and my mother was ment to have my 8mo

So I said could she collect the kids as my appointment ran 30 mins after the 1st school collection- DD comes out 15 mins later (covid safety times ) and I'd just meet her at my house -15min walk so pretty much pick kids up an drop them off cos il be back at same time.

My oldest 2 have disability's that are pretty new and very intense so iv had a really shit year Iv not had a single day without them and very little help as dh works allot as we still have bills to pay. (I really don't mind this as it's life ) doesn't help I have a teething crawling baby who just wants his mummy now too! This all happened when I was about 7months pregnant so yea our lives totally changed. Now with a new baby. With 2 disabled kids who I have to watch 24/7 and are on medical diets now

My mum has never had the kids for me. She's had my oldest before he got ill a handful of times if I had to do something urgently. She rarely sees me unless I go hers (Iv now stopped this as I don't drive and public transport isn't good at the best of times now with 3 youngsters and covid its a no go)

She called me last night and said shes to tierd to have the baby an to collect the kids today so therefor I couldn't go for my hair done. I made the appointment over 2 months ago, she was happy have the baby for 2 hours only difference is Iv asked her to walk my oldest 2 home. She doesn't live far. I havnt had my hair done in 2 years it was genuinely a pick me up as I'm feeling so low an my husband said it's a good idea for me to have some me time an not be focused on meds, nurses etc as iv had a lot to deal with. Just didn't fall well him been called in work but he can't say no an she knows this. She isn't working an my dad doesn't work. Iv asked her loads if she could watch the kids if I go for dinner an she literally ignores me. So I lost it last night. I was heartbroken at the fact she was letting me down all together an never wants to bother with my kids but posts all over social media about them (I don't do sm but people show me hers) so after an argument she said fine she will have them an meet me at my house but now I feel a brat at the fact we had to argue for her to help me ? She has seen me twice in 3 months nearly and she's only ever had my oldest son a handful of times I get 0 help from anyone. I genuinely don't ask anything of her ?

She’s 50 so very young, looks after your brothers kids, and is happy to ask you for money. Your dh is at work unable to help you while he’s earning that money so honestly good on you for cracking it and next time she asks just say no we don’t have any spare, I only have dh to give me a break with the children so I need him at home as much as we can afford. It’s not like youd offer to take them for a few hours is it Mum haha.

I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties. I can empathise as I had no help with mine. A little when DS2 was a toddler but then mum and dad moved and mum never drove. Dad became ill and died within a year. DHs dad died and we moved to support his disabled mum when DS3 was little and then she died within five years. My sisters I had left up north and were now 300 miles away. My mum went back to her country with two of them but one came back. Luckily I made a couple of fantastic friends and we all used to support each other.

My suggestion if you can afford it is to get a trained nanny even if it is only once a month. There they could have training about the meals and meds. Quite a few nannies are freelance now and looking after two families. Just the Covid might be a pain otherwise your husband will have to step up and let you have 1/2 day a month or maybe a fortnight. Just having that time helps you cope on the awful days.

My friend used to say” Being a mum is the hardest job.”

First of all, I'm sorry for all that has been happening. It sounds like it has been a shitty year all round.

You say your mother often comments on how run-down you look. How do you respond? Do you enthusiastically fake a 'no I'm fine' thing? What I'm asking is, does she actually now that you are struggling, or have you convinced her that you are in fact on top of everything and doing well?
Because if that were the case, I would see why she might pull back from promised help. She might be having a bad week, and it's only a hair appointment after all. Does she know that this is a big thing for you, that you have been looking forwards to for a long time, and that is the only respite you will be getting in a long time?

Further, it seems odd that she insisted on attending the training in order to be able to help with your children's needs, if she never really had an intention to actually help. It would have been the perfect excuse: "You know how much I would love to help, but I don't have the training and it just isn't safe..." From that, and from all you write, I get the impression that she does want to help. But something is stopping her. Perhaps she is scared? Anything we do by ourselves for the first time can be a bit scary. Even a confident person, faced with the prospect of looking after a child with medical needs that require training - presumably that means you can't really make any mistakes, or that certain mistakes could have grave consequences - will be worried.

She has only been helping when you have been around as well - has she actually ever applied any/all of the things covered in the training herself? A year-old training with no applying it since would make me feel very insecure about doing it myself without anyone at least supervising.
If this is the case, then going forwards I would make it a priority to get her to apply whatever it is that needs to be done, when you are both together. That way she can get some experience and confidence, and perhaps in the future will feel more confident to occasionally look after the kids by herself.

I am a single parent who has both of my children 24/7. No help from my mother as she is elderly and narcissistic...its all about her, always. I have a life-changing disability as well, and need to provide some care to my mother. I also work part-time and home educate both kids as they are not suited to school placement. I don't want a prize for my effort and I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy. I have burn out and permanent fatigue/ pain, and this is where you will be in a few years if you don't change things now. It is hard parenting children with additional needs. There are some things you can do to make life better. Firstly, claim disability living allowance for both children if you don't already. Get carers allowance if your household income permits. Use the DLA to pay for a child-minder, nanny or nursery service.

Contact social services and insist upon a 'child in need' assessment. You are legally entitled to one, and it will provide extra money and interventions to suit your family. You may also qualify for a respite care break so contact your local carer agencies to find out what is available.

Finally, learn to drive. If I managed that in forties with a broken body feeling like I have the energy of a half dead donkey...anyone can do it. You may also get a free bus pass. Driving will make your life so much easier, and your children may qualify for a motability car with free tax. Some charities used to pay for lessons for parents of children with disabilities. Not sure if that happens anymore, but I believe Family fund used to give grants so worth looking on the internet.

@scoobydoo1971 thank you so much for that advice I'm going to do it soon as I get change xx

@brilliotic she knows because some nights il ring her crying and she booked the appointment for me ! X

Here to offer a handhold. I don't think
some ordinary parents realise the strain parent carers are under.
Your husband needs to book a days leave and take the reins so you can do your own thing. You need to look after yourselves or you will burn out.
Its a shame you've been let down. A bit of support is all your asking for.
I don't know about you but I got very little support from school during lockdown, just felt abandoned. Odd phonecall. But you can't say out loud that you're struggling with your child when the child is right there beside you.
I hope you get your haircut x

I feel ya, some grandparents do the bare min , some are great and some are just shitty grandparents, the thing is we cant force them but its really sad when your own mother cant just put herself out to help you out every once in a while, my own mam is hard pushed to mind my kids too and we live 2 hours away and she rarely sees them, has a long face on her if I ask her to take them for an night every few months, and like you makes me feel bad.

Hope you get the hair done and enjoy your bit of peace xx

Your mum was horrible and completely unfair to you.
But surely if your dh knew this appointment was so important he could have taken annual leave. He is the childrens father after all and they are more his responsibility than your mothers.

I really do feel for you, you must be so exhausted and a hair appointment isnt that much to ask from either dh or dm

Book hair appointment when your DH can watch the children
Or
A mobile hairdresser who can come to your home ?

Just to let you know there are babysitters who are trained in disabilities. Mainly in larger places like cities but there are definitely some there. It doesn’t help you today but maybe in the future.

Well it is a shame that your mum & dad didn't feel able to step up & do more than was originally asked.

Was it at all foreseeable that your husband might get called in?

Perhaps he should just have had a day off?

It's always difficult when things spiral into involving more than thought, isn't it?

Your mum should be ashamed of herself. I hope I never treat my child that way. I’m one for saying “your children, your choice, your responsibility”, and don’t think GPs are under any obligation to provide regular childcare. But I couldn’t not help my daughter over what you’ve described.

I do think it’s the usual crap that it was your mother in the first place, not your also non-working dad. Why hasn’t he had training? Why do you just say “ha ha” at him telling you to ask your mum? I don’t know why your mum seems to be copping for more of your disappointment than him. Both of them should be ashamed.

Please remember this when they next want help or money.

You are doing so well - holding it all together.
Do not feel bad asking for help - coping with 2 children with complex medical needs is incredibly tough but you are so positive.
You do need time for yourself - if you don't look after yourself - you will not be able to look after your beautiful children.
Please do not listen to the other posters - they do not have the enormous challenges you are coping with.

I can not understand when people ask for help why people are so critical.

Please contact some parent support groups to help you.
They can put in touch with people who can arrange for carers so you can have time to get your energy back or afternoon respite etc for your little ones.
You can have people to come to the house to give you a break or pay a member of the family direct payments

I suggest you re post on the special needs boards or ask to get it moved. There will be lots of support there

One hair appointment may save this Mum's sanity - everyone please show her the support she needs

I don't mean the hair appointment is al it needs - badly phrased.
But it may be the tipping point if OP didn't get it

No you are not a spoilt brat, you are a human being needing a bit of a break. If a mum cant give her daughter that for once then she is a pretty poor show of a mother imo. Being a parent means you care for your kids, even when they have kids themselves.

Or actually not even because you are a parent - it is because someone has asked for help and it is in your power to give it

He had to work because he needed to have tomorrow off for an appointment for dd. Got threw on our toes last min an he needs to be their to ask his own questions instead of me an then he asks me the answers to it all so yea. Easier him been their !
I went an it all helped my sanity. Silly as it sounds I felt like I came home a new mummy ??
My mum and dad got the same argument off me I just don't get their problem lately their so selfish when I try do everything an my dad said to me how can you say we don't help. I replied with you never help me when was the last time you helped with the kids , he just didn't speak. My Ds was in hospital last year for about 2 weeks when this all started. I had to argue for them to come see ds and could they take dd for a few hours why we went into meetings etc

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. Means a lot an I feel better I'm not a brat askin for help. Had the worse melt down today in a long time ! Thank you all mums xx

That does sound mean of her OP. YOu're not a spoiled brat. I would go get your kids and watch your baby if I was your friend/neighbour/mum.

[quote spidermomma]@pooopypants they are intense I can't deny that. Their is worse of children but as it's new it's all new!. Iv found it harder lately but when it all happened she pushed for the medical training with myself an she came an she's done it all so theirs no reason really why she couldn't walk them home for me just been a pain as she doesn't like my dh much so she wanted him stay off work or me keep kids off so it was easier for her [/quote]
I think that though she may have your brothers children, I presume she was younger, pre-covid and before the disabilities. As much as you don't see it, I'd say that's quite significant. Likewise, if she doesn't actually walk anywhere, this expectation may be too much.
If you don't see your parents and presumably don't invite to yours, your relationship sounds as though it could do with some tlc.
Tbh, I think that if your oh believes that you are in need of some time for you, then I think that the timing of the appointment should have been made for when he's guaranteed to be home, such as weekend. I think that it's easy for him to say you have this time when it's not him being expected to pick up the family responsibilities and I can't help but think that his sudden needs to work seems very convenient. Is there a reason you didn't book for a weekend or guaranteed day oh would be off?

No you are not being a brat. You needed this and a little extra from your mum.