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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I used to be a crap mum

72 replies

TiredOlivia · 09/09/2020 21:55

How do I forgive myself? I had my first DC at 22. I was very immature and it all came as a massive shock to the system. I had no idea how to keep the house tidy, manage money or parent properly. I'm downright ashamed of some of my past behaviour. When my DD turned 3 I got in to a relationship with another loser. I quickly fell pregnant again and had DS who is now 20 months. The first few months of his life were very hard, I was determined to BF but he had severe tongue tie and was losing weight instead of gaining, he ended up hospitalised and I felt a massive failure. I hate looking back at his baby pictures because of how thin he was. Fast forward to now and things are much better, I really feel I've managed to turn my life around. I am a lone parent but I've learnt to manage my money well. I am paying back debts and everything is up to date. My flat is clean and tidy. I'm organised and everything is ready for the next day the night before. I'm learning to drive and looking at courses for next year. I'm enjoying spending quality time with my children and my parenting has vastly improved. We read together, etc. I love them, so, so much that it makes my heart hurt. How do I get over the guilt of the past few years? No matter what I do, I still feel I don't deserve them and that I'm a rubbish mum and person.

OP posts:

HOkieCOkie · 09/09/2020 22:06

Sounds like you were a wonderful mother. Doing her best for her children, you’ve just polished up a bit. Don’t be hard on yourself about The breastfeeding you were only trying to do your best by him. Well done for making improvements and continuing to be an awesome mum x

Jedimastermama · 09/09/2020 22:12

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You were doing your best. You’ve really turned things around and you sound like fantastic mum!
You seem very focused and positive now.
You can do this!

Bassettgirl · 09/09/2020 22:15

Kids don't notice mess or debts not being paid. Obviously it's great that you have got it together in that respect but please don't feel guilty. I'd have been an absolute wreck if I had had kids at 22. You have turned things around and you are doing really well

SteelMack · 09/09/2020 22:15

You don't sound like a crap mum, you sound like a fecking awesome mum!

Don't beat yourself up about the past.... your DC will not care about money or a messy flat when they were tiny, they'll care that they have a mum that loves them, which they clearly do!

Chantelli · 09/09/2020 22:16

You sound awesome and insightful. Being a mum is so hard and you have to be your own ally and believe in yourself as well as forgive yourself. Have a look at self-compassion mindfulness. Wishing you all the best

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/09/2020 22:17

OP you've achieved so much. Not many people can successfully get out of a spiral of debt etc and change their life for the better.
They wont remember, but you will, and you should feel proud of how far you've come, not guilty about where you started.
I was still living with my parents and drinking til I puked every weekend at 22!

Bassettgirl · 09/09/2020 22:18

Ps I had my first a decade later and also find the early photos hard as she wasn't gaining weight and was a bit jaundiced. I still feel horrified sometimes that I really didn't have a clue what I was doing. You did your best and there isn't a lot if support for breastfeeding out there to be had. Please don't be hard on yourself about this.

sitckmansladylove · 09/09/2020 22:18

You are a great mum. I agree kids dont care about mess. You are doing so well. Be proud of how far you have come. You are managing on your own. Well done

HandfulofDust · 09/09/2020 22:20

OP sounds like you're doing fine. You sound quite down on yourself because you were young when you had your kids but lots of what you describe could happen to anyone. I know a few very good mums who had feeding issues for various reasons and the little ones lost weight. I'm 39 and still can't keep my house tidy!

Spied · 09/09/2020 22:27

You can't change the past. It's done.
I certainly have whole years of my DC's early years that I could ruminate over and beat myself up about but it won't change anything.
Be present and look to the future.
Remember how far you've come and be proud.

lanthanum · 09/09/2020 22:31

Concentrate on the now - it sounds like you're doing a great job.

Your kids are still young enough that they won't remember the less good bits at all. You weren't to know about the tongue-tie (that's why we have health visitors and baby weighings), but they got him into hospital and turned that one around, and it's not going to have harmed him in the long run.

It sounds like you're into a great routine now. Should you have a bad week when you don't manage to do everything you feel you should be doing, recognise that we all have weeks like that sometimes - remind yourself that you are generally getting it right. You've done particularly well to get things so sorted during the pandemic, which has made parenting littlies so much harder.

mamaduckbone · 09/09/2020 22:31

Your kids won't remember that their home was a bit messy for the first couple of years of their life - they will remember that they are loved and cared for. It sounds like you've done an amazing job of turning things around and you should be very proud of yourself.

zoemum2006 · 09/09/2020 22:35

Did you beat your child or starve them? No? Then you weren't crap!

Every mum feels a bit guilty about something. Occupational hazard. I think it's an evolutionary thing to keep us trying our best.

Try to not be too hard on yourself.

PinkSparkleUnicorns · 09/09/2020 22:39

Your children won't remember the mess, and they wouldn't have even seen it at the time. You love them, and you're doing your best for them. That's what good mummas do!

Rosecottage888 · 09/09/2020 22:43

I think you did better than you think you did. Don't be too hard on yourself and well done for turning everything around, sounds like you're smashing it x

Original poster

TiredOlivia · 10/09/2020 05:28

Thank you all. Such lovely comments x

OP posts:

Eekay · 10/09/2020 05:34

You sound like you're doing great. Learnt from your mistakes, getting a driving licence and qualifications, nice home - and you adore your kids. What more could you ask of yourself??

Friendsoftheearth · 10/09/2020 05:53

Beating yourself up about things you couldn't change (mainly your age and inexperience! And a tongue tie of all things) and focus on the next stage of managing your life. You have turned things around to such a degree, you should be extremely proud of yourself.

Be happy with your progress, enjoy your life and children. We are human, we will make mistakes, all of us. There will be a few more at some point, but next time, be kind to yourself. You are doing great! Good luck with your driving test, it will be liberating!

Dashel · 10/09/2020 06:04

Concentrate on the present and going forward., you can’t change the past but you can learn from it.

It sounds like you are getting in control of your life so massive congratulations, the only thing I would be wary of is your taste in men, as you say you fell for another loser, so be extra careful in future and vet potential boyfriends carefully.

Good luck with your driving and qualifications, I’m sure whatever you do you will ace it. If you want to get back into studying before then there are lots of places than do free level 2 courses online. I did a couple with Vison2Learn a couple of years ago - equality and diversity and lean management techniques

SandysMam · 10/09/2020 06:16

Loving them so much it makes your heart hurt is not the way a crap mum would feel! For that alone you are winning!

I have a chronic illness and sometimes feel like a crap mum. I have a little list I use when I struggle with this (I have posted it before).

Are they:
Fed a few times a day with the main food groups, protein, carbs, dairy, fruit and veg?
Do they have fresh water milk or juice to drink?
Are they clean ish with clean suitable weather appropriate clothing?
Are they bathed a few times a week at least and teeth brushed twice a day.
Do they live in a clean enough, pleasant enough home where they feel safe and comfy? (By this I mean not a crack den, not necessarily a luxury house!!).
Do they get fresh air, exercise and stimulation every day?
Do they get a story everyday?
Do I tell them I love them and cuddle them at least (but definitely more than!) 3 times a day?
Do we have a chat and a giggle at least once a day?
Are they safe from smacking, harsh words and shouting by adults?
Do they have a clean, safe, comfy bed to sleep in at the appropriate time, always with a kiss and an I love you before bed?

If you are doing all these things than you are not a crap mum and the list helps me remember that and acts as a checklist when I am struggling and feel rubbish. Forget about the past, even 35 year old mums with supportive partners struggle to breastfeed. What matters is now, you should be proud of how you have turned it around.

Fatted · 10/09/2020 06:19

Don't beat yourself up. The kids don't remember the baby and toddler years, so it won't matter to them.

If it helps, I had terrible PND after I had my first child and I probably had ongoing depression and anxiety for a long time, up until my youngest was about 3. I look back at baby photos and feel terrible for how awful I felt back then.

SonjaMorgan · 10/09/2020 06:25

None of us are perfect. Sometimes with parenting there is no black or white it's all just varying grey. You will continue to make mistakes but learning from them and being honest is the most important thing.

My "D"M was the "perfect" mother. She will never admit when wrong and everything bad about my childhood is my fault. We are now very low contact as I hate the lying and way she rewrites history amongst other things.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job.

blubberball · 10/09/2020 06:31

Don't be ashamed of the all the times you've fallen down. Be proud of all the times you got back up again.

Crappy Facebook quote, but it seems appropriate.

Minimumstandard · 10/09/2020 06:32

You sound like you've done fantastically...Tbh, there's always a bit of a learning-curve with kids. I found it tough too and I wasn't 22, on my own or in financial difficulties - so what's my excuse ? You can be very, very proud of what you've achieved!

Just keep doing what you're doing. Focus on the little things that make children that age feel happy and loved and make their daily routine fun...Play together, read together, cook and bake with your DD and let the little one join in when he can, take them both out for playground trips and long walks in the rain and let them splash in puddles. Don't get too upset about mess and accept accidents happen. My favourite activity with DC is to decorate cardboard 'picture frames' and then put a picture of us doing something fun in it - he absolutely loves this and keeps looking at the pictures (taped on the fridge) for days afterwards.

Also, you are a complete family, the three of you. It's natural to want adult company but don't accept anyone who is going to make your lives worse, not better, and who doesn't accept that your kids will always come first.

DracoDormiens · 10/09/2020 06:34

My rule of thumb...if you feel guilty about how you parent and question yourself about if you are doing it right...then you are a good parent. You identified your problem areas, you improved. You can’t change the past but you learned from it. Don’t feel guilty, your kids won’t remember all that, they will remember the love you had/have for them. I’m proud of you xx

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