I used to be a crap mum

[TiredOlivia]

How do I forgive myself? I had my first DC at 22. I was very immature and it all came as a massive shock to the system. I had no idea how to keep the house tidy, manage money or parent properly. I'm downright ashamed of some of my past behaviour. When my DD turned 3 I got in to a relationship with another loser. I quickly fell pregnant again and had DS who is now 20 months. The first few months of his life were very hard, I was determined to BF but he had severe tongue tie and was losing weight instead of gaining, he ended up hospitalised and I felt a massive failure. I hate looking back at his baby pictures because of how thin he was. Fast forward to now and things are much better, I really feel I've managed to turn my life around. I am a lone parent but I've learnt to manage my money well. I am paying back debts and everything is up to date. My flat is clean and tidy. I'm organised and everything is ready for the next day the night before. I'm learning to drive and looking at courses for next year. I'm enjoying spending quality time with my children and my parenting has vastly improved. We read together, etc. I love them, so, so much that it makes my heart hurt. How do I get over the guilt of the past few years? No matter what I do, I still feel I don't deserve them and that I'm a rubbish mum and person.

It sounds like you've done brilliantly, well done Mama, and you should reward yourself for that by deciding to draw a line under the past. Any negative thought about the past is robbing a positive one of the present, so do yourself a favour and recognise your amazing achievements. Your kids are too young to remember that time anyway!

You sound like you were learning- and that's what we all do. Those with lots of support from a loving partner or their parents, or those who have had loving, consistent, supportive family relationships growing up themselves, often have a head start in this learning. Sounds like you're doing it on your own. You don't need forgiveness- you should be well satisfied with yourself!

One of the things I think it takes to make a good parent is knowing/admitting when you were wrong. That is something my parents in their 30s could never grasp. No good can come from beating yourself up over the past. You've learned from your mistakes, move on and enjoy your children.

I am 55 and your story is almost the same as mine.
Pregnant at 21, Father left, pregnant 3 years later to an abusive man, pregnant again by my now ex husband.
I didn’t feel I was a good Mother. I too struggled with money, cleanliness etc.
I dealt with unpleasant thoughts and was extremely unkind to myself and felt guilty for years.
My children are all in their thirties now and sometimes I still feel guilty for not being a good Mother when they were younger.
But, all three have gone to University and have good jobs, they are lovely people and I love them and they love me.
I did my best under very difficult circumstances and it has taken years for me to forgive myself.
Please don’t be like me, don’t waste a good part of your life beating yourself up, you have done your best, you are their Mum and will always be enough. Xx

I barely saw my Mum in the early years as she was very unwell...she recovered though and I only have amazing memories of how wonderful she is and was. It will be fine OP. You're doing brilliantly.x

Op. I know how you feel I was dreadful. I
Was 25, has a stable marriage and no problems whatsoever and I struggled.

I was a terrible mother for about a year.

I hate seeing baby photos too because I was so caught up in resentment and sleep deprivation.

My son is 7 now and it’s all good, it gets easier as you get more sleep and get used to your new life.

It’s a huge shock no matter what your circumstances. It sounds like you’ve had a v tough time and you need to remember that.

Awww Hun please don’t beat yourself up. I had my first at 21 (single parent) and I was a complete mess! My house was up the wall most days and I was very detached from reality but you know what it made me who I am today! And just like everyone else has said, my daughter doesn’t remember the messy house - she actually says she misses those days because I’m a lot stricter now 😂

You can do anything you put your mind too! I was 21, young child, no GCSE’s! I felt hopeless but just like you it started with things like managing my money better, making sure the house was clean etc. I went on to get a degree, finish top of my class, I work in investment banking, got married and recently bought a house. You are deserving and can have it all trust me!

Wishing you all the love and luck! You’re smashing it!! Xxxxx

Having children/babies is a huge shock to the system for some of us. I was 21 when I had first dc, I was in a relationship with someone who wasn’t suited to me at all, went on to marry him and have another dc. Looking back I feel I wasn’t the best parent and made some wrong decisions, when I finally left him I found parenting much easier, have been doing it alone now for 5 years and I have a great relationship with my dc’s, we have great times together making memories, my house is tidy, the kids are fed a balanced diet and they are given lots of opportunities to do the things they need to do to grow up (ex was very restrictive on what they were allowed to do).

You sound like you had a tricky start but you sound like a great mum x

You sound really awesome and should be proud of yourself. Your kids are lucky to have you. Enjoy that and feel good about it. You identified a problem and grew to be equal to the task. Honestly I wish for you that you forgive yourself and enjoy the life you have built now.
My ds2 couldn't feed either and got horribly thin, I feel awful about it 18 years later but I know I should practice what I preach. I only mention it because I know how these things can stay with you. Reading your post has made me realise that I also deserve to let that go.

It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job! Parenting is hard.

Pretty much every parent feels guilty about things haven't gone as they would like, decisions they would make differently, things they've done wrong. Learn from it and keep moving forward.

Guilt can be a useful emotion as it can make us reflect and learn, and give us the drive to change and progress. Just don't let it drag you down.

You sound like a really great mum, who has always put her DC first. And that's what they'll remember about their childhood, not that the house was a mess when they were in the baby and toddler stage.

I often feel a lot of guilt and worry about things that might go wrong. "What if I'm not watching carefully enough, and they run out in the road?"; "What if they went to bed unhappy one night because I was tired and snappy?"

Every time, I tell myself that if these things were to happen, I would forgive myself for not being perfect. Even if something truly terrible happened, it would only be because I'm human and I make mistakes. This is actually a really important lesson to teach our children: we absolutely try our best, but we expect to fail sometimes and forgive ourselves for it.

It also helps to understand that an element of guilt and anxiety is necessary to be a good parent. We are designed to feel like this because it helps us to keep our children safe. We just have to make sure it doesn't overwhelm us.

You need to forgive the person you used to be. Stop judging her by the Same standards you now hold, she had not learned those lessons yet. When you look back, send that person love. Look at the photo, and think, it's ok, it will get better. He's thin now, but don't worry we will fatten him up. And he'll grow tall and learn to read and write and ride a bike all the same. Look at who you have become. You took all of her hopes and dreams and fears and mistakes and you turned them into something amazing. Emotionally she was a child, but now you are grown. You took all her best bits and you made the life changes necessary to shed the bad ones. You are not that person anymore. But also, she was doing her best then and you are doing your best now. You've just upgraded. You're living on a higher level. And you can rise further still.

The problem with being on upward trajectory is that when you look back you are always looking at someone further down that you. You are becoming better every day.

You turned your life around for your children. That is a huge achievement. You also seem to also have real clarity of vision. You and your dcs are going to have a great life together. Just be wary of giving any of that up for a man.

Your kids don't care about mess, and kids are VERY forgiving, They just want to know that they are loved. I have friends who had shockingly bad/selfish parents well into their teens and now have good relationships with them. They just want to know that their parents loved them, no one is perfect.

In my opinion, everyone who worries about whether or not they’re a good mum, is a good mum. If you weren’t a good mum, you wouldn’t care and you wouldn’t worry about it!

And there are many many many different ways to have a happy home and a happy childhood, mess and no money aren’t even on the periphery of what’s important, as far as the kids are concerned. It sounds like you’re doing brilliantly.

Thank you so much for all the lovely responses. They've made me feel quite emotional. I'm going to try looking to the future now. My goal is to give my children the life that I wish they were born in to...and I will. I really loved the comment from @JadesRollerDisco. Found that very helpful x

Good morning op

I feel the same
I had my first at 16
She's in her 30s now I still feel a crap mother.
I feel I'm a better nanna than I was a mother.-

I beat myself up over it every day.
I think we were both very young.
Be nice to yourself
I give advice but I dnt take my own advice.

I have even thought of councilling.
I'm a different person now
I hold down a very good job and have lots of lovely friends but it's just what I have gone through messes me up sometimes xx

I think a lot of women go through hard times and we are hard on ourselves.

I was divorced at 29 with 2 boys under 2. I know I used to take my feelings out on my youngest son because he was coming up to the terrible 2s and that combined with trying to sort custody and divorce, getting a job without any childcare, paying the bills etc, was just something I didn't think I would need to deal with.

I feel terribly guilty now about how vacant I must have been to him for a year or so. My eldest has always said he was fond of that time because 'we didn't have many rules and had loads of mcDonalds' . My youngest doesn't remember any of it luckily but every now and then when he's naughty or attention seeking I do think was it because I didn't pay him attention like I should have?

OP, well done on turning things around x

Parenting is hard no matter the situation. Your kids have a roof over their heads, clean clothes, warm beds, food in their bellies and a mother who loves them. I'd say that's a pretty good start in life!

I think you've been superhuman, @TiredOlivia - you had such a difficult starting point and it must have been so difficult and taken so much work to turn things around. Having babies is so tough under "good"/"normal" circumstances, never mind the tough position you've been in. Honestly I really admire you.

Also, I'm not sure I would have coped very well at age 22 either. I think many of us are hardwired to be selfish when we're that young. I'm 40 and just had a baby, and even with financial security and support of an amazing partner, it's still been bloody hard.

I think you're great

Well I've been a crappy mum at points, I think most of us, and the ability to recognise that and change has got to be one of the best thinks you can do.

You’re doing great. Look forward not back, keep doing what you’re doing and don’t hook up with any more losers - I know that sounds flippant, but I think you have to be so so careful about what kind of man (if any!) you bring into their lives.