I used to be a crap mum

[TiredOlivia]

How do I forgive myself? I had my first DC at 22. I was very immature and it all came as a massive shock to the system. I had no idea how to keep the house tidy, manage money or parent properly. I'm downright ashamed of some of my past behaviour. When my DD turned 3 I got in to a relationship with another loser. I quickly fell pregnant again and had DS who is now 20 months. The first few months of his life were very hard, I was determined to BF but he had severe tongue tie and was losing weight instead of gaining, he ended up hospitalised and I felt a massive failure. I hate looking back at his baby pictures because of how thin he was. Fast forward to now and things are much better, I really feel I've managed to turn my life around. I am a lone parent but I've learnt to manage my money well. I am paying back debts and everything is up to date. My flat is clean and tidy. I'm organised and everything is ready for the next day the night before. I'm learning to drive and looking at courses for next year. I'm enjoying spending quality time with my children and my parenting has vastly improved. We read together, etc. I love them, so, so much that it makes my heart hurt. How do I get over the guilt of the past few years? No matter what I do, I still feel I don't deserve them and that I'm a rubbish mum and person.

You are a BRILLIANT Mum. Parenting is hard, especially without support. You did well in difficult circumstances and have learned from those early experiences, as all parents have to.

Parental guilt is natural. Any parent who tells you they got everything right is lying! We ALL mess up, sometimes disastrously.

Your dc won't know anything about what went on when they were babies. These days, you are doing a sensationally good job; keeping them safe, helping them develop their intellects and generally showing them an excellent example.

Your dc WILL notice that you are learning to drive and continuing your education. This will be to them what Mums do and is another good example.

Try looking at how stable your lives are now. This is down to you, and you should be proud.

I'm early 30's and I still can't keep a tidy house, it's probably not as clean as it should be either. I'm 9 years in to parenting and I still have no clue what I'm doing, the stuff you learn with the eldest you do as you go along and you find it doesn't work with the second as they're totally diffent.
I have lone parented for most of that time too, it can be hard and you sound like you're smashing it.
Also I'm in my 3rd year at uni after doing an access course at college, so you're ahead of where I was at the point you're at. I just want to encourage you that you can make it happen, I was told it was utter madness to study with 2 young kids as a lone parent, they were 2 and 5/6 when I started and actually it's been the best time as I got so much help with childcare costs during the most expensive time. They were in the routine of early to bed and I had spare time to study and no partner to worry about.
You should be proud of yourself for how you've conducted yourself.
PM me if you want any pointers on navigating finances etc for study.

Thank you everyone

Absolutely lovely post from @JadesRollerDisco

OP, You sound like a lovely mum, who tries hard, does better and succeeds and loves her children and puts them first.

I grew up in a very nice family, well off with no money worries, and the house was like a show home. I have never had a parent tell me they love me. I couldn't bring friends home to play (I did once and my mum beat me with her shoe whilst my friend was in the next room).

If you are the kind of mum who tells her kids she loves them, wraps them up in big cuddles on the sofa, plays with them, reads to them, makes them laugh... then that is what your kids will remember and they will feel loved, safe and happy. These are the things money can't buy.

Thank you xx

I just want to say you sound amazing @TiredOlivia and your children are lucky to have you!
Making personal change for the good of your children is such a powerful statement of love!

Because, OP, you are growing, winning, putting that behind you, getting stronger every day for your children. Off your own bat you've focussed, found your place, they feel loved and love you in return. Stick with it, everything else will come in good time, you sound amazing xx

Just to reiterate what everyone is saying... You sound like a great mum! Please dont beat yourself up for making mistakes when you were young. Not being the best at cleaning or managing money is fairly typical in your early 20s, you are only human and it sounds like your children have always had a safe and loving environment which is the main thing!
It sounds as though you are in a good place now and your children are thriving so try not to worry about the past and instead appreciate what you have now and what the future may bring

You sound like a great mum op

I sometimes think I would have made a better parent when I was younger. My house is always tidy, I’m good with money, everything has order but my poor DC have had a life of living by my regime of OCD behaviours and I often think when I was younger I was more relaxed and even though I wouldn’t have a clue we’d middle through and probably would be happier.

you did the best you were able to at the time. Forgive yourself and loon forward. Your children are lucky yo have a mum who is insightful enough to see this and make changes to benefit you all. Look after yourself x

Thanks again. I've screen shot all these responses so I have them on my phone to look at when I'm feeling down about myself. X

Well, my Mum fed, clothed and housed us in a nice big house bought with the money my Dad earn't in his well paid job. They never divorced and my Mum doesn't have any regrets or guilt about her parenting.

However, my siblings and I had a horrific childhood and I don't love my mother and have no happy memories.

You sound utterly amazing op to have got to grips with being a parent so young and be able to enjoy your children. They will love you and their childhood.

You are now an amazing mum, despite the obstacles. Learn to forgive yourself for the past..nothing can change that.

You're moving forward, you're happy, your kids are happy. You should be damn proud of what you have achieved, and who you have become.

Can't really add to what's been said here except to say if we love our kids there's always a stick we can beat ourselves with.

In my case its the fact that my marriage broke down and that I work too much. Neither of these are my fault and I know rationally that I'm making the best of the circumstances I am working with but it doesn't stop me wondering how my DD's life could be better.

You sound like you've really turned your life around after a very difficult start. I think you need to give yourself a pat on the back.

I'm older than you were with your first child and I just nearly lost my car cause I forgot to retax it. I'd have been hopeless with a child at 22. Rather than feeling guilty, feel proud of how far you've come and look forward to spending navy happy years with your children x

Part of parenthood is learning. It’s a difficult journey. The guilt feelings alone sound like you have your children’s interests best at heart.

Keep going with all your are doing to get your life in order, you are doing an amazing job

You're a great mum. A shit mum would be feeling no guilt whatsoever over the early years, and in fact would be blaming it on someone else.
You have taken total responsibility for your life, and past mistakes.
You're amazing! (but please, no more guilt!).

What?! Try reading your post again...
In under five years you've turned your life around, learning new skills even while caring for two little ones, one of whom had health problems and all this without the support of a partner too. Give yourself a pat on the back and tell yourself how well you've done! And please cut yourself some slack for the future too. :)

Forgive yourself and move forward.

You sound like an amazing mum.