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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is actually entirely normal?

79 replies

OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 11:55

Came across another forum this morning and read a thread on there from a while ago.

The OPs basic issue was that she didn't want her step child to see her breastfeeding.

However, the thread ended up going off on a slight tangent and lots of posters were saying it was weird and exclusionary to be bothered about your step children seeing you getting changed for example, or in the shower, in your underwear etc..

With posters saying 'would you be bothered about your own child seeing you naked', 'they are just curious', 'it makes natural things seem inappropriate of you hide away'.

It seemed really bizarre to me. I have two step children and I definitely would not want them to see me naked or changing. The same way I give them privacy when they are in the bath or changing.

Fwiw, the OPs step child was about 7 if I remember correctly so not a baby or a toddler. My own step children are similar ages.

AIBU to think it's entirely normal for you NOT to want your step children seeing you getting dressed/naked/in underwear and yes even breastfeeding (although this wouldn't bother me personally) if you don't want?

The replies were very much suggesting we had a responsibility to teach children about these things, breastfeeding etc... And not make them seem wrong.

I think your privacy and who you want seeing your body is entirely up to you and no one should be made to feel responsible or like they should share that with certain people if they don't want to.

Just really surprised me

OP posts:

User3627290 · 09/09/2020 11:57

Depending on the ages of the children, YANBU. For very young children it might be a bit odd to be very concerned about privacy, but for a 7yo SC I wouldn’t find it odd to not want them to see you changing etc.

Original poster

OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 12:00

Yes I agree the ages would probably change my opinion on my own personal circumstances. I wouldn't really care about a baby or young toddler seeing me change. But for an older child, I certainly wouldn't want to.

My step children are both under 10 but over 7 and I always close the door when changing or having a shower. It would never occur to me to just let them wonder in and out of my room whilst I was undressed and it would make me very uncomfortable if they did to be honest. I don't think that makes me exclusionary of them or weird!

OP posts:

OhYeahYouSuck · 09/09/2020 12:01

Totally agree OP. My partner will happily walk around naked when my kids are at their dad's but covers up when they're here. My DD is 9 and we both think it would be inappropriate for her to see him naked. I also don't let my 12 year old DS see me naked as I don't think it's appropriate at that age.

Original poster

OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 12:07

I think the suggestion that it's your duty to forego this right to privacy in order to 'teach children there's nothing wrong with it' annoyed me too. I don't see why that should trump someone's desire to keep their body private if they wish!

Even the breastfeeding, I'm currently pregnant and if I do breastfeed, would I be happy doing so openly in front of my step sons? I don't know to be honest. But that would be entirely my choice and I wouldn't expect any pressure to let them look if I didn't want to!

OP posts:

HandfulofDust · 09/09/2020 12:11

It's a dfficult situation OP. You should aim to treat your step children as you would your own children but unlike your own children step children come into your life at an older age so you won't have had the experience of sharing baths etc as you would your own child. If the step kids were above a certain age then you would expect privacy anyway (it's not like a biological child would necessarily see their parent changing above a certain age).

I think the breastfeeding thing is too much though, that does sound like it would exclude the step child to an extreme degree.

Original poster

OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 12:16

To be honest, the part that shocked me was the talk of showering and being naked in your room etc... Posters who said they closed their bedroom door to change for example were called weird or it was suggested that, that was wrong.

I do think that everyone should be able to decide for themselves who they are comfortable with seeing them undressed/washing/naked and no one should be pressured into leaving that comfort zone, tbh even at the expense of 'excluding' step children imo.

Yes I'd let my own child see me naked or bathing. But as you say, that would likely only be until a certain age and then I'd expect privacy and I assume they would too!

Age has a lot to do with it but again as I say, this OPs step child was 7. I don't think there is any need for a 7 year old to need to see you naked or changing personally

OP posts:

Original poster

OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 12:17

I also think that it does need to be said, how many mother's would really be happy at their 7+ year old child seeing their step mother naked or showering?

OP posts:

daisyjgrey · 09/09/2020 12:27

I'm not around my step kids in anything less than they'd see me in on a beach, so I'd come down first thing and be in pants and a vest top or something. They are 8 and 12 and boys.

updownroundandround · 09/09/2020 12:27

Everyone is entitled to their own privacy, and there's absolutely nothing wrong in not wanting any child to see you naked/ undressed at all !

As far as step children are concerned, I'd argue that allowing them to see you naked could easily be misconstrued or even deliberately misinterpreted by other adults (child's other parent/ grandparent for eg) as inappropriate behaviour............

I understand the idea that it's 'natural' and 'normal'...............but it can easily be slanted as inappropriate 'sexual' behaviour.........therefore not something I'd be comfortable doing.

IJustWantSomeBees · 09/09/2020 12:28

I agree with your general point, but what would the solution be if someone didn't want their step sons to see them breastfeeding whilst staying at their dad's home? Their step mum, their dad and their step-siblings all get to stay in the living room but they are expected to leave whenever the step mum wanted to breastfeed their half-sibling? Or would the mum always have to remove herself from the room and breastfeed in a different room to everyone else? Either scenario just sounds a bit sad to me and I don't think it's acceptable to make your step children feel like their presence in their own home is inappropriate/not wanted

SarahAndQuack · 09/09/2020 12:29

There's no right and wrong about it; families are just different.

I think the most important thing is that the children involved aren't made to feel embarrassed. So if you don't want a child seeing you naked/part naked, then fine, but don't make them feel awkward about it either. If you don't care, and a child does, don't parade around bouncing your boobs and going on about how wonderfully enlightened you are.

Fifthtimelucky · 09/09/2020 12:33

Naked and showing is one thing. Breastfeeding is something entirely different.

I happily breastfed my children in front of a wide range of friends and relatives. I'd never have allowed the vast majority of them to see me naked!

When I married my husband his son was 13 so my wandering round naked in his presence was never going to happen!

raspberryk · 09/09/2020 12:36

Nothing wrong with being in underwear in front of step kids up to whatever age you'd be comfortable doing so with your own kids.
Nothing wrong with breastfeeding in front of any child, own, step child or any other child at any age, ever. If there was it wouldn't be legal to breastfeed in public.
There is no time or place where breastfeeding is inappropriate.

user1493413286 · 09/09/2020 12:43

I’ve been in my stepdaughter life since she was 6 and she’s never seen me in underwear or undressed; sometimes on mumsnet it seems that you can’t admit that stepchildren are different to your own children.
I was a bit shy of breastfeeding in front of DSD (9 at the time) but that was in part because I was worried about making her uncomfortable as when I was getting to grips with it at the beginning covering up wasn’t high on my list of priorities; I did get over that though

Original poster

OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 12:50

@IJustWantSomeBees

The OP on the other forum covered herself whilst BF on the sofa. And she was scolded by posters for saying she didn't want the cover removed so the step child could have a look. (Granted she didn't deal with it very well but the general point I agree with). Seems fair enough to me if that's what you want?

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 09/09/2020 12:50

@raspberryk while I agree with you I think the point is that if you aren’t someone who feels comfortable with being undressed in front of step kids then that’s ok too.
I also think that people need to consider their step children’s comfort level; if they’re embarrassed by it before as an adult you’re uncomfortable with it then you need to take that into account.

Original poster

OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 12:51

@raspberryk

Nothing wrong with being in underwear in front of step kids up to whatever age you'd be comfortable doing so with your own kids. Nothing wrong with breastfeeding in front of any child, own, step child or any other child at any age, ever. If there was it wouldn't be legal to breastfeed in public. There is no time or place where breastfeeding is inappropriate.

Absolutely. But this is about what the person breastfeeding is comfortable with, not what is okay or not. I agree there is nothing wrong with it. But I don't agree it makes you weird if you'd feel more comfortable having privacy whilst doing either.

OP posts:

TheFinalStretch · 09/09/2020 12:53

My DDs are 8 and 10. They lack boundaries sometimes (which is a little silly given they like their privacy when getting changed ) and do go through phases where they'll just barge in our bedroom in the morning to ask me an inane question. DD1 did it this morning whilst DP was about to take off his underwear and go in the shower. I had to usher her out and explain everyone has a right to privacy, not just her! The literal only time we close the bedroom door is when he is showering, the rest of the time it's open so they should pick up on that.

Perhaps I'm guilty of sending mixed messages though, I couldn't give a crap if they see me naked and they're regularly subjected to me getting changed/showered in their presence. My theory is if they want to come into my room for a chat whilst I'm getting ready they're welcome to, but I'm not going to be discreet whilst they're there

Itsrainingnotmen · 09/09/2020 12:53

I have many dc. None have seen me naked. Most probably seen me bf sitting next to me but not a deliberate bare boob.
I don't share baths /showers /loo visits (except with ddogs!)..

Imo it's called privacy..
None of my dc have body issues.
They also have privacy...
Not sure a ds or step status or biological would really want to snoop at a bf woman tbh!

HollowTalk · 09/09/2020 12:54

Let's face it, tons of women on here could start a fight in an empty room. If you'd said the opposite it would have been the same.

Oysterbabe · 09/09/2020 12:55

Breastfeeding does need to be hidden from anyone ever.

Oysterbabe · 09/09/2020 12:56

*does not need!

Original poster

OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 12:57

@HollowTalk

Let's face it, tons of women on here could start a fight in an empty room. If you'd said the opposite it would have been the same.

The thread wasn't actually on MN. I came away thinking I must ask the MN jury about this because you all seem far more rational than some of these posters! 😂 It was as if you were damaging step children by not allowing them free access to view you showering or changing whenever they please.

OP posts:

Original poster

OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 12:57

@Oysterbabe

Breastfeeding does need to be hidden from anyone ever.

No, it doesn't need to be. But it's up to the person breastfeeding surely?

If they don't want to show someone or 'let them have a look' then why should they have to?

OP posts:

Original poster

OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 12:58

I wouldn't have a problem breastfeeding in a park or whatever. But if someone came and actually asked me if they could 'have a look' whether or not that person was a child, I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing so! And that's up to me.

OP posts:

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