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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is actually entirely normal?

79 replies

OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 11:55

Came across another forum this morning and read a thread on there from a while ago.

The OPs basic issue was that she didn't want her step child to see her breastfeeding.

However, the thread ended up going off on a slight tangent and lots of posters were saying it was weird and exclusionary to be bothered about your step children seeing you getting changed for example, or in the shower, in your underwear etc..

With posters saying 'would you be bothered about your own child seeing you naked', 'they are just curious', 'it makes natural things seem inappropriate of you hide away'.

It seemed really bizarre to me. I have two step children and I definitely would not want them to see me naked or changing. The same way I give them privacy when they are in the bath or changing.

Fwiw, the OPs step child was about 7 if I remember correctly so not a baby or a toddler. My own step children are similar ages.

AIBU to think it's entirely normal for you NOT to want your step children seeing you getting dressed/naked/in underwear and yes even breastfeeding (although this wouldn't bother me personally) if you don't want?

The replies were very much suggesting we had a responsibility to teach children about these things, breastfeeding etc... And not make them seem wrong.

I think your privacy and who you want seeing your body is entirely up to you and no one should be made to feel responsible or like they should share that with certain people if they don't want to.

Just really surprised me Confused

OP posts:
Thecobwebsarewinning · 09/09/2020 14:14

I think I’d treat my SC like another adult in this scenario. So I was happy to BF in front of other adults, including strangers and I’d be happy to BF in front of hypothetical SC. However I don’t bath or walk around naked in front of other adults so wouldn’t in front of SC.

TorgosPizza · 09/09/2020 14:21

I think it's odd to suggest that anyone has an obligation to be nude or partially nude in front of someone else, including step-children or their own children. I personally value a person's right to privacy over whatever societal value or "normalisation" this would supposedly promote. YANBU!

jessstan2 · 09/09/2020 14:22

I certainly wouldn't be undressed in front of someone else's child (at least not deliberately, I remember once coming out of the bathroom with nothing on to go to the bedroom and a visiting friend was on the landing; I just smiled and carried on as if nothing was amiss but was more careful after that).

However breast feeding is different. People breast feed in restaurants and when visiting, it is a normal thing and not to be hidden. Children see breast feeding everywhere nowadays.

Nevertheless if somebody feels uncomfortable doing it in front of someone else's child, they don't have to and it's no one else's business.

heymacaroner · 09/09/2020 14:27

My mum made the cups of tea and woke me up stark naked every morning through my whole childhood. I hated it every single time.
She also had no issue coming straight into my room if I was changing and not leaving if she saw that I wasn't dressed.
I think a bit of privacy goes a long way - both ways!
I think it's a weird thing to feel passionately that your step children should see you naked, personally. Fine if you (and the DSC) are comfortable with it but feeling strongly that everyone should do the same...isn't that a bit...odd?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/09/2020 14:27

I breastfed in front of other people's DC when our DC were young so can't see how SC would be different. It's whatever everyone is comfortable with, though, because everyone's boundaries are different.

rosiejaune · 09/09/2020 14:50

I think it depends how long you have been involved in your stepchildren's lives. If they have grown up living with you, then it shouldn't be that different from a biological child. But if they're older and only came into your life more recently, that might be different.

I am only talking about nudity though, not just breastfeeding, which obviously our aim as a society should be that women feel comfortable breastfeeding around anyone.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/09/2020 14:52

Breastfeeding I class as a bit different to washing etc. I think its reasonable to teach that a bathroom & the activities therein usually involve privacy. Breastfeeding involves very little nudity after the first 3 or 4 weeks when you are learning, and you can't hide away from everyone every time baby wants a feed?

I'm another one who does think we need to bf in front of children to normalise it more, socially and make it clear it isn't sexual or taboo and is a normal healthy part of caring for an infant.

Dillydallyingthrough · 09/09/2020 14:54

I agree to the woman having privacy to her own body. She doesn't have to show anyone anything she doesn't want.

I remember reading a thread on here when I first joined, it was a DM who said her DD (who was under 10 but not a toddler, maybe 6/7) had seen her SM in the shower. I think the DC was talking to her whilst she was in the shower or something along those lines. SM was close to the DC. And there was reply after reply of 'this is inappropriate behaviour', 'SM should be more careful she is not the parent'. So it seems it doesn't matter what you do, you will always be wrong!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/09/2020 14:57

If we don't let children see us breastfeeding we send the message to yet another generation of future men & women that feeding an infant is something to be hidden/taboo. It's such a fucked up viewpoint, a huge proportion of the current generation are already like this and it just gets perpetuated ad nauseam. Of course children are curious about breastfeeding if they haven't seen it before. You know what? If they see it plenty they won't give shit about it.... it's a temporary problem.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/09/2020 15:00

If you aren't meant to be ok with kids looking at you bf, what do you do when you have a second kid & you take the first to school/groups/activities/soft play & need to feed the baby?
So many kids have seen me bf and I can't think of any who have done anything except ignore it.

Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 15:02

That's all very well and good but I think women who don't feel comfortable allowing someone a detailed look at them breastfeeding shouldn't be made to feel like they can't say no.

It's a personal thing for a lot of people. Who are any of us to say what they should do or how they should do it, infront of whom, when, where etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 15:03

The main point of my post however was the changing/nudity. That's what I was referring to as normal, that it's normal for people not to want to undress or shower infront of their step children and not exclusionary or weird or 'making something natural seem wrong'.

OP posts:
b0redb0redb0red · 09/09/2020 15:32

“That's all very well and good but I think women who don't feel comfortable allowing someone a detailed look at them breastfeeding shouldn't be made to feel like they can't say no.”

Totally agree. Society as a whole is totally wrong to treat breastfeeding as something shameful that needs to be hidden. That doesn’t mean that individual breastfeeding mothers don’t have the right to set their own boundaries. There are all kinds of reasons why women might not want anyone staring at them when they’re breastfeeding. I had postnatal anxiety and was terrified of busybodies commenting on my breastfeeding technique (which some did). Other women have hang-ups about their post-pregnancy bodies or are self-conscious because of past abuse/trauma. All of these are absolutely fine. You’re still a person with needs when you have a baby - you don’t just turn into a moral lesson for society.

Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 15:39

To be honest if I were made to feel like I could never say no to something I wasn't comfortable with out some moral duty teach people about BF, or like I was wrong for wanting to breastfeed in whatever way I felt best for me, it would probably put me off breastfeeding all together.

I agree that breastfeeding should be normalised. But trying to force BF mother's to do something they aren't comfortable with and making them feel guilty for saying no doesn't really help the cause does it.

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/09/2020 15:50

Yes it's a personal thing..but on a societal level if everyone takes that view, girls& boys every where grow up not seeing breastfeeding, or asking questions, its not normal to them and they wind up quitting it or not trying at all. How do we break that cycle when we are among the worst in the world at breastfeeding? Its a problem. Too few people consider that a problem which is half the issue.

Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 15:52

I don't have the answer unfortunately. I just know it's not by trying to force women to give up their right to privacy should they so wish.

Someone right to bodily autonomy comes before anything else imo.

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/09/2020 15:54

I dont think people are trying to force.

They are trying to encourage women to revisit their sense of privacy and think about what it is about breastfeeding they feel needs privacy.

Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 15:59

It's such a fucked up viewpoint

Doesn't seem very encouraging to me. More like guilt tripping someone into accepting something they aren't comfortable with.

If a woman says no, she isn't comfortable with that, I don't need to encourage her to do anything. She's told me her boundaries already.

It's like when mothers who choose to formula feed are constantly hounded to just try BF even when they've repeatedly said they don't want to. I don't think it's right. A person's choice should be respected whether or not I agree with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 16:01

I agree with a PP. Everyone is all for bodily autonomy during pregnancy but for some reason it goes out of the window when it comes to feeding choices. Seems a bit hypocritical to me personally.

OP posts:
Caesious · 09/09/2020 16:06

I’ve two stepsons (11 and 8) and have breastfed two babies in front of them. They thought it was odd at first because nobody in their mums family had done it before but they don’t take any notice now and think it’s completely normal.
As for changing and showering etc, I’ve been around them since they were very young and never had a problem with them coming into the room if I was changing etc. Even now, if I’m in the shower and they need a pee, they’ll come into the room. Never even thought about it before to be honest.
I think it’s up to the individuals involved really.

PerveenMistry · 09/09/2020 16:49

I never even saw my own parents naked or changing.

EmbarrassedUser · 09/09/2020 17:28

I don’t want anyone apart from DH seeing me naked. I think it’s odd when families say they walk around nude in front of each other. It just seems so unnecessary and it seems like over stepping boundaries. I have bio children and step and it applies to both, just to be clear.

CorianderLord · 09/09/2020 17:47

I wouldn't want to see my step mum naked Envy wouldn't mind breastfeeding but pretty sure unless they've been in your life since practically birth it's weird

LouisBalfour · 09/09/2020 17:55

We don’t ‘walk around’ naked. But we don’t observe strict modesty either.

My sons (18 and 21) come in the bathroom to chat to me when I’m in the bath or if their dad is. They don’t care if I walk into their bathroom when either of them is in the shower or on the loo. It’s just the way we are. We don’t wander around downstairs naked!

Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 18:32

My sons (18 and 21) come in the bathroom to chat to me when I’m in the bath or if their dad is

Would you allow step sons into the bathroom to chat whilst you were in the bath?

OP posts: