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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is actually entirely normal?

79 replies

OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 11:55

Came across another forum this morning and read a thread on there from a while ago.

The OPs basic issue was that she didn't want her step child to see her breastfeeding.

However, the thread ended up going off on a slight tangent and lots of posters were saying it was weird and exclusionary to be bothered about your step children seeing you getting changed for example, or in the shower, in your underwear etc..

With posters saying 'would you be bothered about your own child seeing you naked', 'they are just curious', 'it makes natural things seem inappropriate of you hide away'.

It seemed really bizarre to me. I have two step children and I definitely would not want them to see me naked or changing. The same way I give them privacy when they are in the bath or changing.

Fwiw, the OPs step child was about 7 if I remember correctly so not a baby or a toddler. My own step children are similar ages.

AIBU to think it's entirely normal for you NOT to want your step children seeing you getting dressed/naked/in underwear and yes even breastfeeding (although this wouldn't bother me personally) if you don't want?

The replies were very much suggesting we had a responsibility to teach children about these things, breastfeeding etc... And not make them seem wrong.

I think your privacy and who you want seeing your body is entirely up to you and no one should be made to feel responsible or like they should share that with certain people if they don't want to.

Just really surprised me Confused

OP posts:
frogswimming · 09/09/2020 13:00

I think breast feeding is different to getting changed. Breast feeding is not an act to be hidden in private, like getting changed or showering is. If you are wearing a breast feeding top then that should be done in front of children, it'd be odd to make it something private. I wouldn't let them come and have a detailed look though, an extreme close up is private!

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2020 13:02

Usually with these threads it’s just a bandwagon folks jump on. Someone posts something, someone else thinks that sounds good and posts basically the same thing, then so do a load of others. It doesn’t mean that’s actually what they think, had they bothered to think about it.

Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 13:04

I wouldn't let them come and have a detailed look though, an extreme close up is private!

I agree. I would probably do it in the same room. But I wouldn't feel comfortable if they asked 'can I have a look'.

The posters on said thread were acting as though it's your duty to educate children on breastfeeding and therefore any request to have a look should be granted because it's natural and needs to be encouraged etc etc...

I think it's possible to educate without having to do something you aren't comfortable with. If that means you don't want a child taking a detailed look at you feeding your baby with your breast then that's up to you and you shouldn't feel pressured to do so for 'the greater good'.

I think things like breastfeeding, whilst different to nudity, are still very much personal things. If you don't want someone watching or looking then who am I to say you should 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 13:07

And getting changed/showering etc... Was very much put in the same category as it's all 'natural and normal' and nothing to hide.

It may be natural but I still don't want my step sons wondering in whilst I'm nude, thank you! 😂

I think step parents (good ones), sacrifice enough sometimes without also being made to feel like their privacy has to go out the window too!

OP posts:
MsQueenInTheNorth · 09/09/2020 13:07

I think it’s what both parties are comfortable with, to an extent. I will change my top or trousers ‘in front’ of my partner’s daughters, so they have seen me in my bra and in a T shirt and knickers combo. They know I’m going to put my pyjamas on so if they choose to follow me then that is up to them! I wouldn’t be comfortable being topless or naked in front of them though, that is a bit too far for me.
Likewise they are both happy to change in front of me and their dad, or wander around the house in varying states of undress. I had stopped doing that by the time I was the age of the older one (especially in front of my dad/grandad/step father) but it doesn’t seem to bother her. I imagine she’ll change her mind soon though!

The youngest one really doesn’t care. She still needs to be reminded that it’s polite to shut the bathroom door when you’re on the loo Blush

Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 13:10

Do people think it makes a difference if the said children are male or female?

My step children are both boys, I think I'd feel the same if they were girls but perhaps not? I don't know.

OP posts:
HandfulofDust · 09/09/2020 13:12

I wouldn't have a problem breastfeeding in a park or whatever. But if someone came and actually asked me if they could 'have a look' whether or not that person was a child, I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing so! And that's up to me.

Wow that's really mean! If a young child wanted to see their new sibling breastfeeding you'd say no despite being happy doing it in a park? I do think that's quite unkind to be honest. A new half sibling is a difficult time for a young child and it's important for them to be involved. I think if you tae on a step child you should be willing to involve them in things like this. That's completely different from letting them watch you shower!

Love51 · 09/09/2020 13:12

I'm not sure you should try to treat your stepkids the same as your own kids in this regard. Some want to model openness and nothing to be ashamed of, I want to model my right to privacy. It isn't a direct comparison - it took me 5 weeks to establish feeding with PFB, 5 minutes with subsequent children. I was happy for anyone to observe me feed once I knew what I was doing, but those 5 weeks with PFB I was dripping milk constantly, needed to do a lot of skin-to-skin, it was a whole different ball game that was unique to my first attempt at breastfeeding a child.
With my own kids I think if they are daft enough to barge in on me, they see me naked. I'm not going to get dressed any quicker to make then comfortable just because they CBA to wait 2 minutes for my attention. If anyone else barged in on me naked, I'd grab something to cover up immediately! Some stepmums are fulfilling a mum role, but the vast majority of kids with a stepmum have their actual mum they can see naked, and their stepmum who breastfeeds little siblings in public once she has the hang of it, amd wears PJ's/ dressing gown between bathroom and bedroom and closes the door!

EhUp · 09/09/2020 13:17

I'm not sure there is any universally agreed 'normal' on MN or elsewhere

I have read threads on MN before about nudity in the home and then are plenty of people who don't feel comfortable being seen naked by their own DC let alone stepDC

Personally I was happy to breastfeed in front of pretty much anyone but I don't think it's weird if another woman chooses to breastfeed solely in private

Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 13:18

@HandfulofDust

I wouldn't have a problem breastfeeding in a park or whatever. But if someone came and actually asked me if they could 'have a look' whether or not that person was a child, I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing so! And that's up to me.

Wow that's really mean! If a young child wanted to see their new sibling breastfeeding you'd say no despite being happy doing it in a park? I do think that's quite unkind to be honest. A new half sibling is a difficult time for a young child and it's important for them to be involved. I think if you tae on a step child you should be willing to involve them in things like this. That's completely different from letting them watch you shower!

The point about the park was that I'm not saying I would breastfeed strictly in private. I'll change it to say, I'd breastfeed in the living room whilst we were all watching TV or something but no, I don't think I would want to let someone come and take a detailed, close up look at me feeding my baby with my breast, whoever that person was, and yes even if it were my 9 year old step son. That is my right and my choice, and I don't feel unkind for that. I don't owe anyone that if it makes me uncomfortable imo.
OP posts:
Mintjulia · 09/09/2020 13:20

I wouldn't have an issue with a 7yo - any 7yo- seeing me bf. It's as normal as hearing a baby cry. By this I mean discreetly draped with a scarf but willing to answer questions.

I stopped walking round naked in front of my ds when he was about 5 and I'd be ok with step dcs up to that age too.

Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 13:20

I'm not sure you should try to treat your stepkids the same as your own kids in this regard. Some want to model openness and nothing to be ashamed of, I want to model my right to privacy

I agree. I think it's really wrong to push the whole 'must be treated identically' at the expense of someone's right to privacy of their own body!

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 13:22

By this I mean discreetly draped with a scarf but willing to answer questions

Me too. It's the fact that this OP was torn apart for not allowing the step child to come and 'take a look'.

I'd have no problem doing it in the same room discreetly and answering questions. But I don't think I should have to allow anyone an up close, detailed look if I didn't want to.

OP posts:
LouisBalfour · 09/09/2020 13:23

We are a very carefree house and no one is bothered about being seen naked at all.

I have to say I would not treat step children the same as it might not be their norm.

I cared not a hoot about anyone seeing me breast feeding.

Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 13:24

My point for starting the thread was more so the nudity / showering / changing side anyway, I think breastfeeding is different and people will have widely varying views on that (although I do think everyone's should be respected).

OP posts:
Elasticate · 09/09/2020 13:30

YANBU.

I understand that people feel breastfeeding should be normalised but it is still the woman's body doing the feeding and it is up to her who gets to see her body.

I have never been able to understand people that think "your body, your choice" in relation to pregnancy but also think that women should absolutely breastfeed their children and should be role models for breastfeeding and do it publically.

Surely it is still the woman's body and so still her choice?

If she is happy to breastfeed and to do so without covering up, well done her but the women that either don't want to breastfeed or want to do so privately have equally valid feelings and shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it.

Plussizejumpsuit · 09/09/2020 13:35

Clearly the replies here show its not that uncommon. But personally I think it's quite odd to be so concerned about this. But then each to their own I suppose

HandfulofDust · 09/09/2020 13:43

@OrangeJoos You don't have to let them stare close up but getting them involved with breastfeeding if they want to, even if you're a little uncomfortable is just part of being a step parent. If you take on a child which isn't your own you have a certain responsibility and sometimes have to put their needs first, because they're just a child and you're an adult who chose the situation.

PatriciaPerch · 09/09/2020 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoppingPavlova · 09/09/2020 13:49

I wouldn't have an issue with a 7yo - any 7yo- seeing me bf. It's as normal as hearing a baby cry. By this I mean discreetly draped with a scarf

Do you mean you would breastfeed in your own house, such as on your lounge watching tv, with a scarf draped around you? That seems really odd. I wouldn’t even have done this when out and about but I do see some people with weird cape like contraptions, but to cover up in your own house? Surely anyone allowed into your house must have some level of connection with you so struggling to see the problem. If for instance Uncle Kenny is some perverted drooling freak intent on staring at your boobs then Uncle Kenny doesn’t cross the threshold but the average human being doesn’t act like that and couldn’t give two shits at staring at someone’s boobs while they are breastfeeding.

Crunchymum · 09/09/2020 13:50

I've stopped changing in front of my 5yo. Got sick of all the questions about my fat arse, big belly and pubic hair!!!

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/09/2020 13:52

Surely it depends on the relationship, step children might only be with their step mum every other weekend and she might be very hands off or they may be the only children on the house, or they might be there 50% of the time, with a very involved step mum and other children in the house - and everything in between.

In some cases (eg where the children in the home are comfortable with lots of skin on show, very open parents, step children very much part of the household) it might feel exclusionary to not be as open with step kids. In others it could be bordering on inappropriate (step children there every other weekend, step mum has a very distant relationship with them). There’s no one size fits all.

Crunchymum · 09/09/2020 13:53

5yo DD if that makes a difference and she comments on everything nit just my physical appearance.

I felt critiqued any time I ever changed around her Grin

HoppingPavlova · 09/09/2020 13:57

I understand that people feel breastfeeding should be normalised but it is still the woman's body doing the feeding and it is up to her who gets to see her body.

That’s all working on the assumption that for people to see her body they have to be actively looking. Why do people seem to assume they have a body that everyone wants to stare at, unless they have a third breast it’s generally not the case. If I see a woman breastfeeding in any normal situation I wouldn’t be able to tell you anything about her breasts, nothing at all. Same if talking to a breastfeeding woman, wouldn’t be able to recount anything about her breasts, most likely wouldn’t even notice if she had a third breast unless she told me. Why do people automatically assume that theirs are so earth shatteringly eye popping they everyone is looking at them as they breastfeed?

Original poster
OrangeJoos · 09/09/2020 14:00

@HoppingPavlova

I understand that people feel breastfeeding should be normalised but it is still the woman's body doing the feeding and it is up to her who gets to see her body.

That’s all working on the assumption that for people to see her body they have to be actively looking. Why do people seem to assume they have a body that everyone wants to stare at, unless they have a third breast it’s generally not the case. If I see a woman breastfeeding in any normal situation I wouldn’t be able to tell you anything about her breasts, nothing at all. Same if talking to a breastfeeding woman, wouldn’t be able to recount anything about her breasts, most likely wouldn’t even notice if she had a third breast unless she told me. Why do people automatically assume that theirs are so earth shatteringly eye popping they everyone is looking at them as they breastfeed?

Well because we're talking about someone actually asking to take a look...
OP posts: