He's sexually experienced, I'm not.

[itsthekey]

I've started seeing someone recently. He's 10 years older than me and sexually experienced. I've only been with a handful of people and haven't had sex in a pretty long time. This is causing me huge anxiety as I feel like a rabbit in the headlights. I'm staying at his house for the first time this weekend. I feel ready for sex with him but I feel like a virgin again. How can I overcome this and feel more sexually confident? Sorry for posting in AIBU, couldn't post in sex as haven't been a member for 3 months!

Have a drink. Let him take the lead.

I'm so bloody nervous!

Remember that you’re entitled to preferences still. Just because he’s slept with lots of people it doesn’t mean that his way of doing things is right. Also you get more interesting and confident in bed with a long term partner I would think, so you’re not necessarily less experienced.

@GreyishDays

Remember that you’re entitled to preferences still. Just because he’s slept with lots of people it doesn’t mean that his way of doing things is right. Also you get more interesting and confident in bed with a long term partner I would think, so you’re not necessarily less experienced.

This!!!

Don’t let your ‘inexperience’ allow him to dictate your boundaries.

@GreyishDays

Remember that you’re entitled to preferences still. Just because he’s slept with lots of people it doesn’t mean that his way of doing things is right. Also you get more interesting and confident in bed with a long term partner I would think, so you’re not necessarily less experienced.

I feel like because I was in a long term relationship throughout my early 20s, but with an abusive man who liked to have sex like in porno movies (he also used to have sex with me in my sleep), and I only had really crappy sex before this, I don't have any proper experience of good sex. I also haven't had sex since I conceived my nearly 2 year old, so am feeling very out of my comfort zone. The guy I'm seeing now is lovely, hasn't pressured me at all, is going at my pace. I can't be nervous of sex forever. Now I finally trust him enough in psyching myself out!

Agree with posters above, just keep to things you know you like, until you get to know him better. I think most people, the first time they have sex with someone, keep things fairly simple, don’t they? I know I did anyway.

@LizzieSiddal

Agree with posters above, just keep to things you know you like, until you get to know him better. I think most people, the first time they have sex with someone, keep things fairly simple, don’t they? I know I did anyway.

I don't really know, I've never, ever enjoyed sex apart from with myself

itsthekey sorry you’ve had such an awful time..

I think I’d let this new man know you feel v nervous about having sex. Maybe take the pressure off and say you’d like to spend the night with him but not sure about sex yet?

@LizzieSiddal

itsthekey sorry you’ve had such an awful time..

I think I’d let this new man know you feel v nervous about having sex. Maybe take the pressure off and say you’d like to spend the night with him but not sure about sex yet?

I've spoken to him briefly about it but was a bit wary of giving too much detail. I've also spoken with my long term therapist about it who said I need to let him know I've had bad experiences re sex but not any details I'm not comfortable with sharing. I'm full of self doubt and feel like I'm sexually broken. I'm excited to have sex with him and I really want to. I just wind myself up.

You sound lovely OP. You will be so glad to have found someone you are ready to be intimate with. The build up is much more nerve wracking than act itself. Have you discussed your perceived less experience? I think he may have certain ideas of what he likes. Let him show you...but don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with. E.g anal sex. Nothing wrong with it but it’s quite a big step and many people completely rule it out full stop. Time will tell and I have no doubt you will feel liberated. It’s a great feeling. Hope all goes well OP

@spikeymama

You sound lovely OP. You will be so glad to have found someone you are ready to be intimate with. The build up is much more nerve wracking than act itself. Have you discussed your perceived less experience? I think he may have certain ideas of what he likes. Let him show you...but don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with. E.g anal sex. Nothing wrong with it but it’s quite a big step and many people completely rule it out full stop. Time will tell and I have no doubt you will feel liberated. It’s a great feeling. Hope all goes well OP

Thank you. I'm terrified of anal sex. My ex made me do it once (I was asleep and there was no lubricant or anything) it was so painful and I cried throughout. I've had such bad sexual experiences. My therapist is amazing and has helped me a lot. I really trust this new guy I guess I just need to set boundaries. I don't want to tell him too much and cause him anxiety too!

Your ex raped you whilst you slept, that’s terrifying I’m so sorry. No wonder you’re worried.

Anal sex is absolutely off the table unless YOU want it. Don’t be afraid to say no. If he’s a decent guy he’ll respect your boundaries.

please please, don’t worry about having to have anal sex. This should be completely off your radar.

I do think you need to do what your therapist has suggested and have a chat with this new man. You need to do this before spending the night with him. You don’t need to go into details, just say you had an abusive ex, you are a anxious about it all so must take things very, very slowly. If he doesn’t get this and accept it, he’s not the right man for you.

I think if you think you now know him well enough to have sex you should be able to say to him that you're nervous and can you take it slow and just see if it happens and not take it personally if it doesn't.

Also sex isnt a one size fits all thing, everyone has to learn what their new partner likes and doesn't like. And I agree sexually experienced doesn't always mean better, especially if it's been a few one night stands as they tend to be drunken/ selfish sex

@Sexnotgender

Your ex raped you whilst you slept, that’s terrifying I’m so sorry. No wonder you’re worried.

Anal sex is absolutely off the table unless YOU want it. Don’t be afraid to say no. If he’s a decent guy he’ll respect your boundaries.

I've had a lot of therapy and help, and have a restraining order against him. As much as it has damaged me, I am feeling very liberated and taking control of my life again. I'm reading an amazing book called 'don't hold my head down' which I would recommend to anyone! I really do want to have sex again. And I am excited about it. I just find the idea overwhelming at times.

Communication is key here. I wouldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t feel comfortable with saying no to. It sounds like he’s gained your trust there. How do you feel about asking him that you take the lead but given your past experiences it might be difficult for you so it needs to be something you work towards, with him not on your own?

Also if someone wanted to have anal sex straight away or someone pressured you to do it, that would be reason enough to end the relationship. Like anything sex related, it should only be done if both parties want it and even people that do this often only do it with someone they really really trust

Sex should be enjoyable and never painful op. Don't do anything you don't want to. I'm sorry your ex raped you
Tell new guy you want to take it slow, and if you need to stop at any time then do so.
Don't just continue because you've already started.

Can you just clarify itsthekey that you u swear and that nobody can go from “not having sex for two years, being in a very abusive relationship to ...... anal sex”.

You need to be thinking about just going to sleep with someone for a night and feeling safe wi them.

I really don't think he's going to pressure me. We've been dating for a while and he said he likes me for me and we can have sex whenever I'm ready. This was a huge relief. This is definitely something I need to overcome in my head, and thankfully I'm not worried about him hurting me or doing anything I don't want to.

*that you understand

Don't forget. Sex doesn't have to be one type of thing. If, for your first time with your new man, you're happy with just kissing and touching that is fine. A good man will be happy to go at your pace, and he'll enjoy it too.

I think bearing in mind your experiences (which are awful, I'm so sorry), you need to be really protective of yourself and only sleep with this man once you know him a bit better and you feel safe enough to have a conversation about having had some traumatic experiences. Take it slowly. If he's a nice human being, he will understand and you can build up to it being a really lovely experience. This is no rush or pressure and he isn't the right person if he wants to push you into things more quickly. It is a lot to trust someone else again and you say you've only started seeing him recently.

That said, go with your instincts - if you want to sleep with him this weekend that is ok too. I think it's one of those situations where you will just be nervous and hopefully it will be a positive experience and it will help you move forward.

I'd like to move away from the topic of anal sexual if that's ok! I'm aware that I don't have to do this.

@TheAdventuresoftheWishingChair

I think bearing in mind your experiences (which are awful, I'm so sorry), you need to be really protective of yourself and only sleep with this man once you know him a bit better and you feel safe enough to have a conversation about having had some traumatic experiences. Take it slowly. If he's a nice human being, he will understand and you can build up to it being a really lovely experience. This is no rush or pressure and he isn't the right person if he wants to push you into things more quickly. It is a lot to trust someone else again and you say you've only started seeing him recently.

That said, go with your instincts - if you want to sleep with him this weekend that is ok too. I think it's one of those situations where you will just be nervous and hopefully it will be a positive experience and it will help you move forward.

Thank you. That's really good advice.