He's sexually experienced, I'm not.

[itsthekey]

I've started seeing someone recently. He's 10 years older than me and sexually experienced. I've only been with a handful of people and haven't had sex in a pretty long time. This is causing me huge anxiety as I feel like a rabbit in the headlights. I'm staying at his house for the first time this weekend. I feel ready for sex with him but I feel like a virgin again. How can I overcome this and feel more sexually confident? Sorry for posting in AIBU, couldn't post in sex as haven't been a member for 3 months!

Just go with the flow. I knows it's not as easy as that but I'm sure it'll feel natural again when it comes to it. Similar here. Partner is 12 years older than me. I was 20 and him 33. I had actually slept with more than people than him (cringe) but it was brief flings and short term relationships whereas before been in 2 very long term relationships and 2 shorter terms. He was a lot more experienced than me. But it's fine. We've been together 8 years! 😀

I think if you can talk to him and let him know you’ve had bad experiences, you will feel better about it all. You can’t be getting into bed with someone if they don’t understand you have huge anxiety about it. If he’s as nice as he sounds, you’ll feel huge relief once you’ve been able to tell him. (Obviously only going into as much detail as you’re comfortably with.).

He may be nervous too...just talk to him, openly and honestly, before things get "too hot & heavy"....and enjoy it...if you weren't at least a little nervous where's the thrill..?

@DooRight

He may be nervous too...just talk to him, openly and honestly, before things get "too hot & heavy"....and enjoy it...if you weren't at least a little nervous where's the thrill..?

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm very excited too.

OP how long have you been seeing him, and do you feel he’s totally trustworthy? If so I would consider having a gentle conversation (not saying anything specific you don’t want to) about your experiences, to make sure he really understands the situation of why you are nervous—if he’s a good person he will want to be really sure that you’re ok, and will want to look at for you.

I don’t think him being experienced is the issue here, you have a past with sexual trauma that means things need to be really slow and comfortable .

I’d say after discussing this with him, work your way up with contact and sexuality with him, taking it slowly and getting comfortable (like a night together of snuggling, do massages, do bits, etc). No need to think about penetrative sex, whatever until you’re at a point when you feel fully comfortable.

DO NOT push yourself to move at a faster pace—it will cause further trauma. Don’t even think about his experience—it’s irrelavnt. Also some men have lots of experience, but it makes precisely zero difference to how they do it!!

Does anyone have any advice re body image issues? Again, I didn't used to have these until I was with my ex. He used to inspect my belly for stretch marks when I was pregnant, slagged off my wonky boobs, made me shave all my pubic hair even when I didn't want to. Normal guys don't really care about this stuff do they? He's not going to be looking at my wobbly belly and thinking 'gross' is he?

@12309845653ghydrvj

OP how long have you been seeing him, and do you feel he’s totally trustworthy? If so I would consider having a gentle conversation (not saying anything specific you don’t want to) about your experiences, to make sure he really understands the situation of why you are nervous—if he’s a good person he will want to be really sure that you’re ok, and will want to look at for you.

I don’t think him being experienced is the issue here, you have a past with sexual trauma that means things need to be really slow and comfortable .

I’d say after discussing this with him, work your way up with contact and sexuality with him, taking it slowly and getting comfortable (like a night together of snuggling, do massages, do bits, etc). No need to think about penetrative sex, whatever until you’re at a point when you feel fully comfortable.

DO NOT push yourself to move at a faster pace—it will cause further trauma. Don’t even think about his experience—it’s irrelavnt. Also some men have lots of experience, but it makes precisely zero difference to how they do it!!

I've been seeing him for about 10 weeks, between 1 and 3 times a week. He's not pressured me at all regarding sex so far.

I'd suggest lots of kissing and foreplay, maybe mutual massages, things like that, so that you get in tune with each others bodies.

I think the most important thing is your level of trust in him. When we share a bed and intimacy, the woman is voluntarily putting herself in the most vulnerable of situations. Doing so only with someone you know you can trust absolutely and completely is key. If you trust him to respect you without reservation, to listen to you, to be compassionate and empathetic, and to be focused on your happiness, then everything else will take care of itself. If you do not feel you have that level of trust in him then there is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until you do and if you never do there is nothing wrong with walking away.

God your ex is a terrible person.

One of the things I have learnt over the years is that the vast majority of men don’t care very much about the details and are actually quite easily impressed!! That’s really not typical behaviour, honestly most men will be excited to have sex!

Talk to him, tell him how you feel, and if he's as good as you find him to be then i think all will be well.

Try to enjoy it, thats what its there for!

Hope all goes well but saying that don't expect it to be 100% first time it rarely is, its all a communication thing!

@itsthekey

Does anyone have any advice re body image issues? Again, I didn't used to have these until I was with my ex. He used to inspect my belly for stretch marks when I was pregnant, slagged off my wonky boobs, made me shave all my pubic hair even when I didn't want to. Normal guys don't really care about this stuff do they? He's not going to be looking at my wobbly belly and thinking 'gross' is he?

if he's lovely.. nope.

i'm a big girl, and had kids, so i have the dreaded pouchy bit too >.< i'm very body conscious and was really nervous about having a relationship after i left my abusive ex.. to the point for 2.5yrs i didnt want any kind of sexual contact.

my current bed partner is lovely.. he adores my curves, and all the lumps and bumps and practically worships my figure, and taken lots of time with me and done nothing i'm not happy with.. i love it, and i'm still not used to it, but its slowly giving me the confidence to relax around him and get up to some stuff i didnt think i could ever again.. and helping me discover a few things i didnt know i enjoyed

Normal men don't bother about pubic hair (or leg or armpit hair), stretch marks, wobbly bits or anything else like that. You have been going out for awhile, he's cuddled you he has already got a pretty good idea about your body shape. He's just looking forward to sex with you!

Ahhh I was in this exact position 2 years ago 😃 i'd only ever slept with one other person 😄 it was a bit awkward at first while we got to know each other, but now it's great. If he's worth your time he'll be gentle and encouraging with you. Don't get drunk to cover the embarrassment! Just tell him you're nervous and that you want to take it slow, and if he's not down with that then gtfo of there!

Tell him you're nervous. A sexually experienced partner will surely know how to make you feel easy and comfortable.

If you can't discuss this with him maybe it's too soon to be staying over. Wait until you feel more at ease outside the bedroom ?

@fedupandlookingforchange

Normal men don't bother about pubic hair (or leg or armpit hair), stretch marks, wobbly bits or anything else like that. You have been going out for awhile, he's cuddled you he has already got a pretty good idea about your body shape. He's just looking forward to sex with you!

I agree with this, which surprised me!

I lost a lot of weight recently and it's had its impact on my body - baggy tummy, droopy boobs, the works!

Last guy I was with, the chemistry was amazing and I didn't even think about how I looked in sex, just how I felt. And he was always happy to talk about how sexy I was - attraction is so much more than physical!

Oh and I also asked him if he had a preference on pubic hair before I slept with him, and he looked at me like I was insane

I’ve had stretch marks on my breasts and hips since a very fast growth spurt at puberty. Until my twenties they were red and prominent and I was so self conscious about them. I’m also pretty wobbly all over, despite not having children. I’ve been with loads of men and the only one who ever had a problem with my body was a drunken hook up with a chap who was desperate to lose his virginity. That’s fine though - he liked a different type of figure and I wasn’t for him.

I 100% guarantee that someone you’ve been in a relationship with for 10 weeks (and isn’t an abusive dickhead) will not care, or even notice, the bits that make you feel self-conscious. Any more than you will notice the bits he worries about on his body.

I wonder if you could talk to him about having a safe word, or even, perish the thought, just tell him what you’ve said here. You’re really excited about the idea of sleeping with him, but given your very dodgy ex, you’re also pretty nervous. if you’re happy being even more prescriptive you could say that you need a romantic, lovely evening, rather than full on raunch....

Honestly, I suspect that once you’re in the moment, it will be fine. But just have some chat first to lead him a direction your OK with.

I had a very similar experience to you, and yes, getting back to it is really difficult. Tbh, I had a couple of blind drunk experiences just because I was forcing myself to try again. Your way sounds much better

Enjoy 😉

@itsthekey

Does anyone have any advice re body image issues? Again, I didn't used to have these until I was with my ex. He used to inspect my belly for stretch marks when I was pregnant, slagged off my wonky boobs, made me shave all my pubic hair even when I didn't want to. Normal guys don't really care about this stuff do they? He's not going to be looking at my wobbly belly and thinking 'gross' is he?

Omg your ex needs to be put in the incinerator 😭 No, a worthy man won't do any of this and he'll find your 'flaws' lovely (or at the very least they won't bother him). I think it's helpful to think of people you love and how you feel about their imperfections. Would fat, scars, stretch marks, cellulite, hair etc on your loved ones repulse you? If not then it's totally unreasonable to expect them to repulse the people that love you!

Sounds fab OP! I'd love that! One tip is not to 'just lie there'. I've had previous partners say that so many of the women they'd slept with before 'just lay there' and how dull this was. Get involved!

carousefiah have you actually bothered to read the OPs posts?! Your post makes no sense what so ever.

I think the risk here is that you put too much pressure on yourself. What is important is that you both have a nice time and come away feeling good about what goes on. You don't have to do some mad sexual gymnastics or even orgasm (many women don't, particularly with a new partner).

A handful of people is hardly inexperienced, you know some things. Being experienced does not mean someone is any good at sex.

However, thinking positively, I think it will be a delightful experience.

I agree that most men aren’t bothered by stretch marks or hairy legs. But if you feel that you might be self conscious, make sure that the lighting is on very low (or that the room is dark) and that the room is warm and comfortable. Your new man sounds nice - try and put your ex’s comments out of your head (easier said than done I know).