Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He's sexually experienced, I'm not.

71 replies

itsthekey · 09/09/2020 10:37

I've started seeing someone recently. He's 10 years older than me and sexually experienced. I've only been with a handful of people and haven't had sex in a pretty long time. This is causing me huge anxiety as I feel like a rabbit in the headlights. I'm staying at his house for the first time this weekend. I feel ready for sex with him but I feel like a virgin again. How can I overcome this and feel more sexually confident? Sorry for posting in AIBU, couldn't post in sex as haven't been a member for 3 months!

OP posts:
GreenMarkerPen4myHen · 09/09/2020 12:06

Try not to worry too much. The fact you are relatively inexperienced might be a turn on for him, if anything. If he's a good man, it'll certainly be no problem at all and he'll be gentle with you.

VesperLynne · 09/09/2020 12:09

I wouldn't over think it. Just do what comes naturally and you'll be fine.

OhYeahYouSuck · 09/09/2020 12:10

When DP and I were going to have sex for the first time, we planned what we were going to do. It definitely helped a lot and took the pressure off us both. DP is a lot more experienced than me but he was still really nervous as it had been a while for us both and he had been left with issues from his ex. I had very limited experience so am having great fun in learning now.

I definitely recommend messaging him and discussing a rough plan. We knew I was going to his, he was going to cook, I would have a couple of small drinks then we would start with a massage and take it from there. It worked well as we knew what we were doing. I think this could be the way to go for you as you are understandably anxious about it.

1moreRep · 09/09/2020 12:13

Sex is like driving, each lover like each car is different, so he's as new to this experience as you are.

You as a couple will find your rhythm

You are entitled to stop at any point, take your time, enjoy yourself

BewilderedDoughnut · 09/09/2020 12:13

Why not take the pressure off and just continue to get to know each other on a deeper level for a bit longer. Just because you're staying over doesn't mean sex is automatically on the table.

It sounds obvious but I'd also make sure you'd seen evidence of a full sexual health screening. No way I'd let anyone near me without that.

yellowgusset · 09/09/2020 12:25

It's like riding a bike, once you get started you'll know what to do Smile

JulieHere · 09/09/2020 12:25

If you are terrified of anal sex then don't do it. If you are terrified of any particular aspect of sex don't do it. Do what you want when you want to. If he is worth dating then he will understand and go at your speed and with what you want. Do not feel you have to perform any particular way or thing - it's not a porn movie.

Take care of yourself and be happy first. Good luck

Bumpsadaisie · 09/09/2020 12:27

He's not an expert in you. Its his first time with you.

oakleaffy · 09/09/2020 12:39

@Sexnotgender

Your ex raped you whilst you slept, that’s terrifying I’m so sorry. No wonder you’re worried.

Anal sex is absolutely off the table unless YOU want it. Don’t be afraid to say no. If he’s a decent guy he’ll respect your boundaries.

TOTALLY. Just don't go there. I was very much in your position @itsthekey ..Very very few partners, as preferred long term relationships, and after a very long break met someone.

He was also {so say} very experienced. 25 partners to my 3...But impotent!
It was such a disappointment to have waited years....and to be confronted with a soft member.. to reach down and 'squish'.

However...He too tried the ''sleeping thing'' which is such a no no...and although he did other things...it wasn't quite the same.

Ironically he was unfaithful, but appeared ''lovely'' at first.

He said something that was very alarming, how he ''Gets bored'' very quickly with relationships.

If this man is ''Very experienced'' ask why...and a good bit of advice is to make sure you have a good supply of{ in date} condoms!

Have fun and stay safe.

oakleaffy · 09/09/2020 12:46

@BewilderedDoughnut

Why not take the pressure off and just continue to get to know each other on a deeper level for a bit longer. Just because you're staying over doesn't mean sex is automatically on the table.

It sounds obvious but I'd also make sure you'd seen evidence of a full sexual health screening. No way I'd let anyone near me without that.

This is a very good idea. As for full screening....It isn't really 'current' as he could have picked up something between the screening and now....plus, not all STI's show up immediately in a test.{Seroconversion window period I think it is called} So..Condoms are your friend.

An Experienced confident bloke will use them no problem.

They are a mark of a confident man, I think....The excuses given as to mot use them are ridiculous..eg ''I only have to look at a condom and my dick goes {mimics collapsing tree}''
Or ''They are too tight'' {really?}
Or ''I'm allergic to latex''

SunshineCake · 09/09/2020 12:56

If you are worrying if he'll mind your self decided imperfections, or worse, what your rapist ex thought, then are you ready for a relationship with him as you shouldn't be having sex with someone you don't trust.

I also worry about the consequences of telling a new boyfriend that an ex did bad things to you.

Marpan · 09/09/2020 12:56

History aside.

Why would you need a safe word or be worrying about anal sex.

Is this what most people require when they have sex with a new partner.

Very weird indeed.

Jonoula · 09/09/2020 12:58

He sounds just perfect for you. Everything will be fine.

tara66 · 09/09/2020 13:03

OP you seem quite young so just look at the fact that sooner or later you'll probably have sex with someone in the next 30 odd years - so if there is nothing particularly awful about this man then go for it. He may be someone who does like body perfection but you'll know about it if that's the case, I expect. You may also actually be incompatible with him but you need to go through the process to find out.. Regard it as a learning experience .

spikeymama · 09/09/2020 13:37

OMG...I’m so sorry to OP and all OP’s for bringing up the anal thing. I only mentioned it as a absolute NO. Sad

Alongcameacat · 09/09/2020 13:54

Your ex was awful. I’m sorry you had to endure that.

If you fancy each other, neither of you will be looking for imperfections.
I dated a man 18 years older than me. He had a lot of partners in comparison to my very few. I was very nervous but he was very straightforward in bed. One position - spooning. Every time.

I wouldn’t go into your entire history with your new guy. That will happen naturally bit by bit. It is enough to tell him you had a bad experience or use the word assaulted if you prefer and you want to take things slowly.
Anal sex wouldn’t cross my mind. If a guy was into anal sex then we wouldn’t be sexually compatible and that would be the end of that relationship. It is ok to say no!

AlbaAlba · 09/09/2020 14:22

Folks, the OP has asked that people stop mentioned that particular type of sex please, it may be a trigger for her so please respect her wishes.

OP, in your position I'd mention you've had previous bad experience in sex but don't go into any more detail than you're comfortable with. Ask for a slow approach, romance, cuddles, intimacy rather than sex. Given your past awful experience it might be useful to use the question of whether you'd be happy simply sleeping alongside him, as a test for whether you are ready for anything else. Then maybe suggest you try non-penetrative sex first and stick with this until you feel comfortable taking it further. There are plenty of things you can both do that are fun and build trust and intimacy. His reaction to these 'stages' will also help give you an indication of whether he's a decent bloke.

You could also write a list of ground rules including the things that should (hopefully) be obvious, like no sex whilst you're asleep. You could share that, on paper if you felt more comfortable, and then discuss. Hopefully he'd be horrified at the very thought, and it might be a gentle way to give him an idea of what you've been through, and where the danger areas are. You could also, at least for your own reference, write a list of what is ok, what might be ok in the future, and what is a definite no for you. It's up to you whether you share that outright, or just use it to organise your thoughts.

I would recommend you discuss your history more fully before moving on to full on sex. Ask him to check in with you for enthusiastic consent at every step in case you freeze and aren't able to articulate a 'no'. My worry, as someone who has PTSD and been triggered by unexpected things, is that something could trigger a flashback or reaction which you may not be able to articulate in the moment, and he may not understand what's happening. If you've any history of flashbacks or panic attacks, you could talk him through a grounding technique that works with you to help you if something is triggered, even if that is cuddle me/get me a glass of water/don't touch me/talk to me. I understand you might not feel comfortable having that discussion now, but if you work through the earlier stages of increasing intimacy and he's aware that there is some difficult history, then by the time you get to penetrative sex then you may be more confident to share, and frankly, if he has any perception at all he will be expecting something like this and be prepared to do whatever is necessary for you to be confident and comfortable.

Good luck, and have fun.

Alongcameacat · 09/09/2020 14:29

the OP has asked that people stop

I didn’t see that. I’m so sorry OP.

jessstan2 · 09/09/2020 14:35

The man sounds like a decent chap. I hope you have a lovely time, you deserve it.

Ren495 · 09/09/2020 18:01

Hi op, just wanted to pop in and say that when i met my partner i was similar to you. I had experienced a lot of sexual trauma and was really nervous. I sat down and spoke to him about it when i had decided i wanted to have sex. I was really honest and explained without details of the past what i didnt want/what was a hard no or trigger but was very open about not knowing what i did want. He was so gentle and casual and no pressure. It was made as relaxed and romantic as possible He was clear that we could stop at any time but it was me in the end that didnt want to stop and now numerous years later we are married with a family. At the time every time he moved or made a noise whilst sleeping i would startle awake or flinch and when we first slept in the same bed i couldn’t have him put his arm around me without panic but it ended up being a very positive experience and after the first time we had sex it was like i was a new woman its cheesy but i felt like he brought me alive. The time before the event is terrifying but by the sounds of it you are ready and he seems to have the perfect temperament to support you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being intimate and building to sex at a later date. I will say though this isn't something you will know until the moment so try to be kind to your body and kind to yourself because you are a warrior and your body and you are amazing!! Good luck op!! Ill be routing for you!!

CSIblonde · 10/09/2020 10:15

My first partner was way more experienced but asked me via lots of jokey flirting what I liked & we did a lot of flirty,saucy phonecalls (pre mobile phones) first too.So by the time we had sex,a drink or two & the nerves disappeared.Wearing some v pretty lingerie the first time boosted my confidence too. Tell him you're a bit nervous & if he's a nice guy he will understand.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.