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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think sleep when baby does is unrealistic

77 replies

Rosebel · 08/09/2020 10:20

My baby doesn't sleep very well at night yet so I'm often shattered during the day. My husband is always saying sleep when the baby does. Am I alone in thinking this just doesn't happen.
Firstly our baby likes to sleep on me during the day and wakes when moved. I'm obviously not going to sleep with him on me. Very occasionally I can lie him on the sofa to sleep but obviously can't sleep then either in case he rolls.
He does eventually go to sleep in his basket at night and after his first feed (sometimes). Perhaps I should sleep then but generally use it as a chance to shower /eat/make up bottles /prepare tea.
Am I missing something or is the saying sleep when baby does is unrealistic, ridiculous and unhelpful?
I'm probably being ridiculous but that's the problem with being sleep deprived.

OP posts:

SharkWhale · 08/09/2020 10:25

No I’m with you. I found is soul destroying advice as my baby wouldn’t nap well so was either in pram being walked, on me or being held. Even on the rare occasion they did nap in basket it was only for 30 mins or so which was no help for me sleeping as took me that long to switch off.

The thing that saves me from sheer exhaustion was co-sleeping as they got older and didn’t need nappy changes in night as much I was able to stay sleepy though feeds much better and felt more rested in morning (though still shattered!!)

Sorry not brilliant positive post but that was reality I found myself in with both my babies. On plus side they are both great sleepers now (primary ages).

Gancanny · 08/09/2020 10:27

It depends on the baby and which number baby!

My first baby I could have slept when the baby slept as I had no other DC to take care of but he was a good sleeper at night so I didn't need to, I used his naps to shower and have time to myself.

I had one DC who was an awful sleeper and didn't sleep though the night until they were three years old. I couldn't sleep in the day when they having a nap because I had a toddler at home with me too.

The only time I was able to 'sleep when the baby sleeps' was in the evening. I knew I could feed the baby and they would sleep from around 8pm to 11pm, or even midnight, before repeatedly being up and down for the rest of the night so a few nights a week I would go to bed when the baby went to be because I knew I'd get a good 3-4 hours of solid sleep ahead of a few hours of broken sleep.

Gancanny · 08/09/2020 10:28

The thing that saves me from sheer exhaustion was co-sleeping

Co-sleeping saved me too with my terrible sleeper. Even when the baby was awake, I could doze.

SharkWhale · 08/09/2020 10:29

Reading your post again only thing to add is make sure DH does his share. So when baby asleep I’m evening you list shower/eat but the bottles/make tea should be on your DH in the sleep deprived days. Also if bottle can DH so some nights so you can get few hours sleep in a chunk? I bf so DH couldn’t help with that but he did everything else and in very bad nights when baby newborn and wouldn’t resettle he got up for moral support occasionally - seems small but actually make world of difference to me.

mummyoneboy19 · 08/09/2020 10:29

Nope I’m with you - if I didn’t use nap times as an opportunity to do laundry/wash up/eat/prep stuff for baby then those things didn’t get done.

I always found the people who helpfully told me to sleep when the baby slept were those least likely to do absolutely anything to help.

Oly4 · 08/09/2020 10:31

Totally agree, it just doesn’t happen. And when they nap they nap better on you. It does get better I promise!

minipie · 08/09/2020 10:31

YANBU. My first baby would only sleep on my chest (including at night) or in a continuously moving buggy. In the day she slept for 20 min max at a time. Getting her to nap was a nightmare.

Sleep when the baby sleeps was never going to happen.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 08/09/2020 10:33

Why is your husband giving you pointless advice? Why doesn't he take the baby while you sleep instead?

Mytithurts · 08/09/2020 10:37

You're absolutely right. I have one dd and the about of times I was told to sleep when she did was ridiculous.
The amount of times I slept when she did - once.

Witchend · 08/09/2020 10:38

Very rarely worked for me.
DD1 was a napper as a small baby. Would sleep 20 minutes and wake. Not even worth trying.
She started sleeping through at 8 weeks (12 hours) so when she started to 2-3 hour naps once a day rather than lots of little ones I didn't need the sleep. (was nice though!)

Dd2 slept for around an hour. But then I had dd1 to look after as she had stopped napping for more than a short time. I did introduce "quiet afternoons" when dd1 played in her room for that time, but I never felt I could sleep as she was awake.

Ds I occasionally got a nap in the morning while dd2 was at preschool (and dd1 at school).

1wokeuplikethis · 08/09/2020 10:40

Hmm it depends what your baby is like with sleeping. I recall when my terrible sleeper first born was about 3 months old I was at my friends house who had a baby the same age and she went and put him up in his Moses basket for an afternoon nap and said she used that time to clean or craft. CRAFT!!! Ha ha haaaaaaa!! My baby was like yours and would only sleep on me day and night, so I didn’t have time to nap when she did or clean anything including myself. My husband did as much as he could to help but as I was breastfeeding all the feeding was on me. It was just a very, very tiresome 18 months. The saviour was co-sleeping when she was a bit bigger but it’s not deep satisfying sleep. My second baby was a FABULOUS sleeper but like pp said I was running about after a toddler.

When your baby sleeps on you just before the nap get yourself sorted- have a wee, get a big water bottle of drink for you, cup of tea, lunch/snack within reach and rest with him, watch telly or read. It’s not sleep but your body is having a break that’s the second best.

And keep telling yourself that good old phrase, this will pass.

singme · 08/09/2020 10:42

Yeah it’s daft advice. Even now DD has more predictable day sleeps it’s never long enough for me to drift off too.

The ONE time I had a day nap with her was when I fed her lying down and we both dozed off.

I do go to bed early to make the most of the unbroken hours at the beginning of the night.

It will get better though. How old is your baby? In the early days DP would take her from 9pm-12 Midnight so I could sleep and she would just sleep on him. Now she will go into crib for that time.

TheHappyHerbivore · 08/09/2020 10:44

My friend says ‘sure, I’ll sleep when the baby sleeps. Shall I also shower when the baby showers, and cook when the baby cooks, and clean when the baby cleans?’.

Suzi888 · 08/09/2020 10:45

I couldn’t sleep either, shattered all the time. When the baby slept I was doing housework! YANBU I hated it when people said that.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 08/09/2020 10:50

Yes, it's stupid advice.

You could also go to Tesco when the baby goes to Tesco, hoover when the baby hoovers, shower when the baby showers and watch American Horror Story when the baby watches American Horror Story.

Sorted.

Wanky advice.

Other advice I hate is about writing a birth plan. Then what? Read it to your stomach?

Your baby doesn't give two shits about the birth plan...

RB68 · 08/09/2020 10:52

you need to do things differently - I used sleep cot downstairs when DD was little - up to about 18mths for a sleep or rest during the day. She was better for being in an environment where I still was, I could then nap on sofa safely even if she was just playing in the cot

turnitonagain · 08/09/2020 10:53

It’s baby dependent. Very easy with DC2, impossible with DC1 who never slept and was always clingy. If it doesn’t work for you then it doesn’t work!

RB68 · 08/09/2020 10:55

Shower - with baby in bouncy chair in bathroom if you can otherwise leave door open and have them in the hall. Cook - sling or with partner, wash up ditto. Th thing is if you always do things the same way the problem will remain, unless you change things no change happens. I am not saying you will get all the sleep you need etc but you will be less frustrated, I found all baby needed was to be in same room and be talked to or have some music or something for attention. Baby's don't cry for no reason - but it can feel like it

Weenurse · 08/09/2020 10:57

I used to hand DH baby when he came home from work. Dinner would be made and I would go to bed for a couple of hours.
DH would bath and watch baby until last feed at night, he would then wake me to do feed ( breast feeding).
Do whatever works for you.

unmarkedbythat · 08/09/2020 10:58

It was never realistic for me either. I used to want to hurt people who would trill that if I just slept when the baby slept I would be fiiiiiiiine as "they spend most of their time asleep you know".

heymacaroner · 08/09/2020 10:58

What I don't understand is if anyone sleeps when the baby sleeps how does anything ever get done? When would laundry be done or the dishwasher loaded or the dinner made?

YANBU, it's advice he's giving because he probably just doesn't get what it is to be home with a baby full time.

EveryDaysASchoolDayEh · 08/09/2020 11:02

Never worked for me. My first never slept more than 45 minutes during the day, so by the time I lay down and felt relaxed enough to sleep, he'd be awake and wailing.

Horrible times.....

I have to say, that child never took to sleep training and now as a teen he still doesn't sleep easily. He takes an hour or two to get to sleep at night.

kyles101 · 08/09/2020 11:07

No! That was the shittiest piece of pre baby propaganda I received too!! My DS would only nap on me for the first 6 months too (or in a sling, car or the pram) he then spent 6 months sleeping beautifully, now he's having some kind of regression (I hope, or maybe teething issues) so he only wants to nap with me - this is fine now though as we can safely co sleep for nap time so I'm finally winning vs the sleep when baby sleeps myth!! In short, YADNBU

UnicornAndSparkles · 08/09/2020 11:09

only worked for me when baby was a bit older and sleeping in her cot for regular naps. She would wake around 6.30 and need a nap by 8.30 for 1-2h; I'd often go back to bed then. The first 6 months this didn't happen, she napped on me. It does get easier!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 08/09/2020 11:10

To get DD to sleep I used to go for long walks with the pram. Otherwise she would just cry the whole afternoon nap period.

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