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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sleep when baby does is unrealistic

77 replies

Rosebel · 08/09/2020 10:20

My baby doesn't sleep very well at night yet so I'm often shattered during the day. My husband is always saying sleep when the baby does. Am I alone in thinking this just doesn't happen.
Firstly our baby likes to sleep on me during the day and wakes when moved. I'm obviously not going to sleep with him on me. Very occasionally I can lie him on the sofa to sleep but obviously can't sleep then either in case he rolls.
He does eventually go to sleep in his basket at night and after his first feed (sometimes). Perhaps I should sleep then but generally use it as a chance to shower /eat/make up bottles /prepare tea.
Am I missing something or is the saying sleep when baby does is unrealistic, ridiculous and unhelpful?
I'm probably being ridiculous but that's the problem with being sleep deprived.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 08/09/2020 12:17

@Rosebel

I know it will get better, well I hope it will but it is hard at the moment. Baby is 12 weeks but was early so is feeding more like a 6 week old even though its likely he'll catch up to his age at some point. I think it's possible I've forgotten how hard it is as my daughters are teenagers now but my eldest was a good sleeper but my middle one rarely napped but slept quite well at night. My husband does do weekend nights but sleeps in on the morning which I don't get the chance to do so I really think he doesn't understand how tired I am. I'm actually a bit relieved to discover it's not just me that finds this advice ridiculous. I'd love to just sleep but life isn't like that. For some reason that I'm not quite able to understand my husband really hates it if I sleep in the evening and wants me to sleep in the day. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I do get loads of cuddles with my baby.
Ask him if he’s willing to take on all the cleaning, anything basically that isn’t feeding and to give you time for a shower in the morning then. He’s unreasonable.
Tempusfudgeit · 08/09/2020 12:23

My first baby would only sleep in the car whilst I was driving. He'd even wake up at red lights until we moved off. No sleep for me!

PopsicleHustler · 08/09/2020 12:29

Oh my goodness, so spot on

All my children loved to sleep in my arms up until probably one years old. Eventually I was able to put them on my bed or in the cot. I couldn't sleep though. The housework needs doing and so on. If only it were that easy.

Disappointedkoala · 08/09/2020 12:54

I loved napping with DD as a baby - we used to cosleep for one of her naps pretty much every day and it was great! I'm already panicking how I'll cope with the sleep deprivation and lack of nap when DD2 arrives because of my eldest.

She wasn't hugely cuddly as a baby so was happy enough on a mat or bed while I did housework and tbh standards got a bit sloppy round here!

SpaceOP · 08/09/2020 12:57

My husband does do weekend nights but sleeps in on the morning which I don't get the chance to do so I really think he doesn't understand how tired I am.

sorry what? So he's getting a lie in during the week and you're up at sparrow's fart? Is he at least doing all the cooking and cleaning etc?

Please OP - don't fall into this routine where it's 100% your responsibility and your life changes completely while his doesn't change at all. Please.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 08/09/2020 12:59

How teenage are your teenage daughters? Are they old enough/mature enough to look after baby downstairs while you take a nap for 1-2 hours? I know it's not ideal, but I used to do this for my mum and I am really happy I was able to help her in that way. You could leave them any food/drinks due, make sure he's well fed before you go upstairs, have your phone on loud (if you have an iPhone, I can tell you how to set it so that calls from their number come through loud even when it's on silent), let them get to know him. Is that possible? Apologies if they have extra needs and that's a ridiculous idea Blush

SpaceOP · 08/09/2020 13:01

@SuckingDownDarjeeling

How teenage are your teenage daughters? Are they old enough/mature enough to look after baby downstairs while you take a nap for 1-2 hours? I know it's not ideal, but I used to do this for my mum and I am really happy I was able to help her in that way. You could leave them any food/drinks due, make sure he's well fed before you go upstairs, have your phone on loud (if you have an iPhone, I can tell you how to set it so that calls from their number come through loud even when it's on silent), let them get to know him. Is that possible? Apologies if they have extra needs and that's a ridiculous idea Blush
No, please. This is ONLY acceptable if your DH is ALSO pulling his weight. Please don't teach your teenage daughters that it is their job to parent because the man in the house refuses.
Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 08/09/2020 13:08

I think it can work for some people - and is a good way of taking the pressure off new Mums to use that time for things like housework.

However it can be quite cruel advice. Not everyone is able to sleep in the day for one thing. Most adults are used to sleeping at night and not in the day, and it’s hard to suddenly pick up a completely different sleeping pattern. Not getting nighttime sleep - or feeling functional during the day - can be bad for mental health in itself.

Plus you obviously want some time to yourself during the day to shower etc - some time off when you are awake. Humans need both rest and sleep I think.

It can be a bit of a cop out for the person who doesn’t want to help out with nights to say this.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 08/09/2020 13:08

@SpaceOP at this point I don't think that teaching anybody a lesson is as important as OP getting some sleep. She can tackle the bigger problems after that, surely? Plus, if the teenagers feel inconvenienced by having to babysit, they'll put pressure on the DH to pull his weight. OP could literally say to them that she has to ask them because DH won't do it himself.

SendHelp30 · 08/09/2020 13:10

I’ve always slept when my slept as babies if I needed to. A quick half an hour. I shower in the morning before the kids wake up. I’ve never found I needed the children to be asleep in order to cook dinner or tidy the house

squeekyclean · 08/09/2020 13:10

I always found the people who helpfully told me to sleep when the baby slept were those least likely to do absolutely anything to help.

Agree with this. Whenever I was told this I had the distinct impression that what they really meant was 'get on with it and stop moaning'. In my case it was usually people who had never been in charge of a small baby and/or wanted me to do something for.with them and me being constantly shatter was rather inconvenient.

With my DC, the only way to actually get some real sleep, good quality sleep was to sleep when someone else was looking after baby for a few hours

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 08/09/2020 13:13

sorry what? So he's getting a lie in during the week and you're up at sparrow's fart? Is he at least doing all the cooking and cleaning etc?

^^
So he gets full nights’ sleeps in the week, then at the weekend helps in the night but then lies in to make up for it? When do you get your full nights’ sleeps and lie ins?

I agree, only get the teens to help if he is also helping! I would be more inclined to use the teens for help when you are awake - so that you can shower, make tea etc without baby having to be asleep - rather than so you can sleep, as I don’t think you’d feel relaxed enough to sleep, and maybe they aren’t ready for the responsibility (your call!).

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 08/09/2020 13:14

I always found the people who helpfully told me to sleep when the baby slept were those least likely to do absolutely anything to help.

^^
Totally agree with that.

QuestionMarkNow · 08/09/2020 13:19

For some reason that I'm not quite able to understand my husband really hates it if I sleep in the evening and wants me to sleep in the day.

I am sorry but I would tell him to fuck off.

You need to look after yourself. You are exhausted, recovering from pregnancy and giving birth as well as beig all hours with a baby. And he doesnt have the decency to do what you do ONE night in the week (aka getting up at night and then in the am).
As far as I am concerned he doesnt have the right to tell you when to sleep 'because it suits him' when he does fuck all to support you.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 08/09/2020 13:22

He hates it if you sleep in the evening? Just seen that! What a fucking Prince!

He needs to get his act together pronto because he sounds incapable of any kind of empathy or love.

Original poster
Rosebel · 08/09/2020 13:32

I think it's unfair to make my daughter's help out. My 12 year old is autistic and would really panic if baby so much as whimpered. My 14 year old did keep an eye on him in the holidays so I could grab a shower and eat but she's back at school now and entering Y10 so I'd rather her concentrate on that
Fell asleep one evening last week and got a message off my husband the next morning saying thanks for being such good company last night. I did tell him to piss off but then he just got huffy and said it was a joke. Just can't be dealing with extra drama right now.

OP posts:
misskatamari · 08/09/2020 13:34

i think it definitely depends on the baby. With dd, my first, she would sleep on me. Some days i barely managed to eat, and was so frazzled. When i had ds, DD still napped, and I managed to coordinate her naps with ds cosleeping, and i would have a nod too, and it absolutely saved my sanity

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 08/09/2020 13:37

Well in that case, if you can't get your DH to hep or understand, then you're practically a single mother already. I think your life would be a lot better without him in it. He's useless and selfish.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 08/09/2020 13:38

*help not hep

MuddlingThrough1724 · 08/09/2020 13:38

I was the same, until my child was about a year old, and I realised I had missed a trick - instead of sitting holding the sleeping baby (mine also woke if moved and ever, ever napped in her cot/pushchair), I realised I could co-sleep. Was a revelation! Try it, you'll manage some sleep, baby will sleep, you won't do what I did and waste a year of your life trying to desperately stay awake whilst holding a sleeping baby!

HarrisonFived · 08/09/2020 13:41

You clearly know him better than anybody on this forum, but from mine and several other people's experiences I can tell you that he's not going to magically step up and help you. He's made his decision and decided where he stands. Sadly I don't think you have much chance of any respite. You'll just resent him more and more while he rests and works. Honestly, I think you should LTB.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 08/09/2020 14:08

If my exh is anything to go by, some “partners” are just so selfish, right to the bone, that they won’t step up and help you whatever you say or do.

My exh just wouldn’t allow himself to end up feeling tired, and that was that.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/09/2020 14:25

My first baby would only really sleep on me, during the day. If I put him down in his moses basket, he'd sleep for 20 minutes and wake up, still tired and grumpy, but if I let him sleep on me, he'd sleep for much longer. I wish I had not carried on trying to put him down for a nap, and had just let him have his naps on me, because it didn't work for either of us - but as a first time mum, I thought that was what I was supposed to do, and didn't want to do it 'wrong'. Looking back, I should have had the courage of my convictions, and let him sleep on me whilst I read or watched TV.

I do understand why you aren't comfortable going to sleep with your baby on you, @Rosebel - but even if you stayed awake, you'd still be getting some rest.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 08/09/2020 14:51

Light side of the moon that is very funny! 😂😂 I noticed my baby was asleep in ASDA so I threw myself to the floor in the bread aisle for a short nap. Felt much better. 😂😂

Ukholidaysaregreat · 08/09/2020 14:52

Oops sorry only read first page. DH is being a nob.

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