To think sleep when baby does is unrealistic

[Rosebel]

My baby doesn't sleep very well at night yet so I'm often shattered during the day. My husband is always saying sleep when the baby does. Am I alone in thinking this just doesn't happen.
Firstly our baby likes to sleep on me during the day and wakes when moved. I'm obviously not going to sleep with him on me. Very occasionally I can lie him on the sofa to sleep but obviously can't sleep then either in case he rolls.
He does eventually go to sleep in his basket at night and after his first feed (sometimes). Perhaps I should sleep then but generally use it as a chance to shower /eat/make up bottles /prepare tea.
Am I missing something or is the saying sleep when baby does is unrealistic, ridiculous and unhelpful?
I'm probably being ridiculous but that's the problem with being sleep deprived.

It is an irritating thing for others to say! However, there might be ways to make it sometimes doable (I had an awful awful napper so I totally get that it's hard and I didn't often get to sleep in the day!).

How old is your baby? If very little, the sleeping on you may reduce naturally as time goes on. I'd try and at least get him/her into the pram for naps if poss, a short walk and then back into the house and you can get some rest too or just pushing back and forth in the house.

Or you could try safe cosleeping for naps. On the bed, no pillows/duvet for you (a blanket at waist height is OK). I slept in the recovery position with baby between my arm and knee.

No I agree it's not that easy to just switch off and fall asleep whenever baby sleeps. I tried, but my mind was whirling with thinking of washing bottles and the never-ending list of chores. Never managed it.
I used to fall asleep about 9pm in front of the telly for a couple of hours before late evening feed, that gave me a head start. Also, baby slept with me at times too. Couldn't have made it through otherwise. You do what you have to do!

It is the worst advice ever! FIL said it a lot which drive me mad as DD wasn't a great napper. She slept well in the car or pram but I couldn't sleep whilst driving or pushing. When she did have a cat nap, I would get myself something to eat or hang some washing out.

I agree OP. DD slept badly and I’m not a great sleeper and the idea that even if you can lay them down (ha!) then you can close your eyes and will instantly drift off is far fetched!!

nope i have had 3 kids in 6 years they were all awful sleepers, i just haven't slept properly in 6 years, there's no time to nap in the day! there's housework, work work, school runs for the older kids, admin stuff, shopping etc and so on! but it is what it is, i think you get used to being tired all the time to be honest.

It only works if you have the "right" kind of baby. DC1 was a nightmare, didn't sleep and if he did he was being held/pushed/driven.

DC2 on the other hand was an okay sleeper and in fact, she slept better during the day if I slept with her. She was a on-mummy or next-to-mummy on bed by day sleeper. So I did sometimes get to nap with her.

What saved me with DC1 was that DH took his share. Not so much the night wakings but he would stay up later than me so I'd be in bed by 9 at the latest. If I was lucky, I'd then get about four hours before I had to wake. Then I'd do all the middle of the night stuff - bearing in mind that DS would usually wake every 1.5-2 hours. Then after about 5:30/6:;00, whenever DS woke up, DH would be in charge. He'd get up with him then and sometimes the two of them would nap in the lounge together (DS in his pram) or DH would just have him and then keep him once he needed to officially get up to shower etc before work. So I'd get a couple of hours before he left at 7:30/8.

Bloody terrible -pseudo- advice.

Baby might normally sleep for 60 minutes but seemed to sense if I was also napping and would wake after 20-30 minutes, at which point I'd be just dropping off. I'd want to cry. It felt better to keep going/ have a cuppa than only nearly get a nap!

I did and do tend to Co sleep with my babies in order to get sleep when they are sleeping!

I shower with him in a safe place e.g. Cot in another room. Or when DH is home.

I was exactly the same as you OP. Even on rare occasions when baby slept in his moses basket I could never drop off on demand. Plus got woken up by doorbell, baby moving etc. My MW told me to go back to bed when DH went to work- like I was only awake to see him off to work!

It really does depend on the baby. With my eldest I always slept when she slept during the day. I co slept with her. Housework would get done when my husband was home from work, and he would do most of it while I was feeding the baby.

With my youngest it's more difficult as obviously I have my eldest too, but my youngest generally sleeps better at night. I just try to have my eldest running around all morning so she needs a little nap after lunch time, so we all go up to bed together and have a little snooze.

If I haven't managed a nap during the day, I practically throw both children at my husband as he comes home from work and take myself for a nap.

@Twigletfairy I was the same - husband barely got his coat off before i gave him baby as was struggling to stay awake any longer!

It has worked for me up to a point.

First baby - terrible sleeper but would co sleep. I took every opportunity for a nap as she would either sleep with me next to her for an hour or, I could spend 30mins rocking her to sleep, then she would nap for 10-20mins max if i lay her in cot. Pointless to get anything done in that time and she would not have napped long enough to feel rested.

Harder with arrival of dc2. Had to change tactic and go to bed when they Did as I couldn't nap. The house was a tip for those years - that was the compromise. Also share lie ins at the weekend/ take any help offered.

Now DC 1 in school in back to napping when dc2 does!

So yes it can work but not if you are running round like a headless chicken trying to get the housework done or with multiple kids. I'm almost at the end of the gruelling sleepless early years and have no regrets on naps taken! The house is far easier to manage now kids are a bit older.

You can work on baby going in cot?
They might cry a bit but if you do it very gradually it is doable. A few things you could try:

Start off by having them fall asleep on you, wait until at least 20 mins in (when they shift into deeper sleep) then try putting down. Pat them on the tummy firmly if they fuss.

Or hold them with their head on baby safe pillow (we used a lila kuddis one) or a folded up cellular blanket then it's easier to transfer into cot on the blanket or pillow.

If baby is under 4m swaddling can really help.

Many of the people I knew who swore their baby "wouldn't" sleep except on them went into a blind panic if their baby so much as whispered and basically didnt really try at all to persevere with the baby staying in a cot. The baby might not like it the first couple of times but if you are horribly sleep deprived sometimes you need to rest.

Yanbu.
I needed to sit down and eat, have a quick tidy, wash clothes, do some admin etc.
At no point was I ever able to switch off and sleep when they slept. I was far too wired in the day.

I should also ssy it depends on your ability to map too. My DH hates naps and feels groggy after. I am an excellent napper- one of my few skills in life!

I did get to the stage at times when I was 'wired' and couldn't sleep. Normally if babies were crying lots of I was really really tired. That was horrible.

Has your DH tried it himself? I suspect not.
A better help would be for him to cook dinner, prepare bottles so you can at least put tour feet up in the evening. Is he doing any of that

I hate those comments btw. Not only it’s unrealistic but it also basically says it’s your fault if you are tired.

I was able to sleep when DS did, DD however was a whooooole different story! She slept beautifully IF i wasnt trying to sleep. The second i tried to lie down, rest or shut my eyes, shed scream relentlessly. I was a tired wreck when she was a newborn and no matter how hard i tried (believe me i did) shed do it every time without fail. So i gave up. Im still bitter about it🤣

My babies napped in their bouncer chairs or Moses baskets in the lounge with me. I would sometimes nap on the couch, but more often would read or take the time to watch tv. Rarely would I use that time to clean or cook. My first were twins so while they liked napping on me, the reality meant it really wasn’t possible.

For me, it was less about sleeping when the baby/babies slept, and more about DON’T use that time to flap about cleaning. Use that time to just relax properly, and if you can nap, then do. I would nap sometimes in bed with the baby next to me when I had my third. That was nice. I’m a very experienced napper now they are older!

Absolutely agree with you OP. I can never do it. If I do happen to fall asleep when DD is napping that’s the day she’ll decide to only have a really short nap then I’ll feel worse afterwards than I did before. It’s often hard to switch off straight away and by the time you do it’s time to wake up.

Ps that advice works best if you are breastfeeding, as bf naturally makes you drowsy, it sends both you AND the baby to sleep.

When DS was v small I used to have a sleepy head next to me on the bed, I would feed him, he would zonk out, I would sit holding him for 20 mins then when he went proper deeply asleep (floppy arm test!), I would put him in the sleepy head and I would nearly always nod off for 30 mins myself

I will nap when the baby naps. Fuck the hoovering/dishwasher/washing - sleep deprivation is torture. As a PP I’ve always been good at napping which is a handy skill! I know I’m lucky I have a great sleeper, she naps in her cot and has done for a while - it took some work though and months and months of rocking her to sleep and holding her for almost all naps until I broke and started trying to settle her in the cot, no CIO, we used a modified version of shhh pat from the baby whisperer, and use the same combo of sleeping bag, dummy, comforter & white noise for all sleep at home.

I had the same issue that DD would only sleep on me or in a baby chair where I didn’t want to leave her unsupervised in. On the occasions she did sleep in her Moses basket I’d find that the minute I started to drop off she’d wake up which was soul destroying and in the end the time was better spent having a cup of tea or lunch in peace

I get a very irrational trigger response when I hear that phrase now. I had twins and all the advice was "oh, sleep when baby sleeps". They never slept at the same time, ever. The moment one fell asleep the other one woke up.

GP, health visitor, DH, PIL, everybody would parrot this marvellous advice.

DH would come home from work and ask why I'm so tired, and then say "why didn't you just sleep when they slept?"

He had some time off shortly after that and realised that they didn't sleep at the same time. He found being with them (at a young age) was more difficult than being at work. He actually has apologised to me recently for, in his words, "being stupid enough to suggest that, and not believing me when I said that I never got that chance". So I don't hate him. But I still feel really upset when I hear the phrase

I know it will get better, well I hope it will but it is hard at the moment. Baby is 12 weeks but was early so is feeding more like a 6 week old even though its likely he'll catch up to his age at some point.
I think it's possible I've forgotten how hard it is as my daughters are teenagers now but my eldest was a good sleeper but my middle one rarely napped but slept quite well at night.
My husband does do weekend nights but sleeps in on the morning which I don't get the chance to do so I really think he doesn't understand how tired I am.
I'm actually a bit relieved to discover it's not just me that finds this advice ridiculous. I'd love to just sleep but life isn't like that. For some reason that I'm not quite able to understand my husband really hates it if I sleep in the evening and wants me to sleep in the day.
The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I do get loads of cuddles with my baby.

DD would fall asleep in the sling even at home so when she was asleep I would sit up on the sofa & nap too. She was strapped in so no rolling or lying risk.