Over Sensitive DH or AIBU

[stressedandunsure2020]

Like many parents, DD(4) has just started reception. A couple of half days last week, a few half days this week and then full time. Hence all sorts of emotions from me and DH.

For background, as usual in our household, I have sorted out all of the admin etc for DD starting school. Paperwork, uniform shopping etc. There were no transition days due to the current situation but there was a meet up arranged via Social Media with some of the other parents and children which I took DD to (not DH's thing, but he moaned he couldn't make it due to work - I took half a days leave)

We've worked throughout lockdown (I appreciate we are both very lucky in that fact) and whereas DH has had to go to work as his job can't be done from home, I have worked from home which has meant most of the childcare and home schooling etc has fallen to me. Work have understood this as everyone is in the same situation and haven't minded that sometimes (may be 1 or 2 evenings a week)I have had to log on later in the evening etc, but DH has spent all of lockdown moaning that I have had to work in the evening and not spending enough time with him.

Anyway onto this morning and we are lucky that DD's new school is a 5 minute walk away (probably 10 with DD). As I am at home still and DH is on an afternoon shift this week we both walked her down. On the way she was holding hands with Dh, then wanted to hold all of our hands - all fine. At one point the path gets a bit narrower so we can't all hold hands, so DD chose to carry on holding mine, which put DH in a bad mood.

DD is on half days this week but then stays for dinner one day before starting school days. Her first dinner day is Wednesday (have told DH this at least 5 times) so on the walk this morning he starts talking to her about dinner choices and how she is going to be eating at school today. I didn't correct him as I thought it was a nice conversation to get her used to the idea of choosing her food, and then when I did say it was not today got shouted at for not telling him the right information.

We then got to the school and were queuing up to drop her off when Dh asked her for a cuddle and kiss. When I asked her for the same, I got a snide comment of 'knew you would have to have one as well' and then a sulking DH.

When we got home DH shouted at me for always having to be the centre of attention, that he was having a really nice walk with DD, and I have to interfere. That I always make it about me and that I should of just let go of DD's hand and walked behind them so he could carry on having some time with her.

Happy to be told I am being unreasonable, school runs like this are all new to me, prior to this DD had been in a private day nursery so it's always been one of us dropping her off and has involved a drive to the nursery so I know it's all about finding a new normal and a new routine. Once the first few days are over, only one of us will be doing the school run I guess which will probably make a difference.

He's a total dickhead OP. What a nasty piece of work. And practically useless into the bargain.

I'd be having a good think about why I felt I deserved to be treated like this.

@ stressedandunsure2020

I have sorted out all of the admin etc for DD starting school. Paperwork, uniform shopping etc

So 'D'H has done fuck all to get DD ready for school , even though he could easily have .............

I have worked from home which has meant most of the childcare and home schooling etc has fallen to me. Work have understood this as everyone is in the same situation and haven't minded that sometimes (may be 1 or 2 evenings a week)I have had to log on later in the evening

Your time has been spent working, cleaning, cooking, shopping, childminding, schooling etc etc, meaning a very extended work day (50-60 hrs probably)...............and he's spent his time doing what ?.......normal working week

Her first dinner day is Wednesday (have told DH this at least 5 times) so on the walk this morning he starts talking to her about dinner choices and how she is going to be eating at school today

Because you have had to organize all school stuff, including taking hols to attend the SM 'meet up' (for which he could've also taken A/L for if he wanted to ) he's blaming you for him not being able to remember the details for the lunch day

Dh asked her for a cuddle and kiss. When I asked her for the same, I got a snide comment of 'knew you would have to have one as well' and then a sulking DH.

There is actually no justification for his frankly weird reaction here I'm afraid. Why on earth would he be jealous of his own DD getting love and reassurance from her own Mum as well as her Dad ?? It's not a normal reaction at all ! [concerned]

When we got home DH shouted at me for always having to be the centre of attention, that he was having a really nice walk with DD, and I have to interfere. That I always make it about me and that I should of just let go of DD's hand and walked behind them so he could carry on having some time with her.

And who the fuck is HE to be shouting at you ?? He's the one who hasn't done a bloody thing for his own DD or DW over lockdown to help with schooling/ housework/ cooking/ shopping/ cleaning etc etc.

Sorry OP, but I think things need to be said to your 'D'H about what it actually entails being a good father/ husband.

And letting you wife do all the fucking work and then shouting at her when he's not the fucking centre of attention should be 1st on your list. How dare he !

He really does have some serious problems. Have they manifested themselves in other ways? To deny a mother giving her child some loving attention at the school gate is beyond normal and actually cruel. My XH had mental health issues and never came near the children or their school. This is something I’ve not come across before.

I have the perfect solution. A double stroller. He can sit in one side and DD in the other. It will make your journey much faster and they can hold hands on the way. Make sure you bring him a dummy and a blanket for when you get to the school gates and he has to say by to his big sister daughter.

*bye

Your husband needs to grow the Hell UP, OP!! I'd say "what is he - 10??!!" but that's likely to be an insult to many 10 year olds.

If he bothered to get involved with the normal minutiae of your child's life - and had any understanding of what you do for her outside the nice bits - or even bothered to listen to and absorb what you've told him - he would not need to flounce into these tantrums.

Incidentally: I hope you told him not to talk to you so rudely. You are his partner - not his slave. He needs to cut that right out. 🌹

You must be absolutely exhausted having to put him with him all the time! Are you on edge all the time in case you offend him?

It’s worse than another child, because a child just wants your attention and it’s a normal development stage. He is really nasty and manipulative and blaming you. And he’s a fucking adult who should realise today is about DD not either of you!

#manbaby

Wtf have I just read?!

OP it’s obvious to everyone here that you’re not unreasonable, but the fact you even have to ask suggests this kind of thing is a common occurrence. This is who he is, a pathetic man child and downright nasty. You can choose to live with this but I certainly wouldn’t. Do you struggle to assert yourself with him?

That is absolutely not normal behaviour and I’ll be honest, my jaw did drop open a bit when I read how he sulked when your DD chose to hold your hand and not his on the narrow path. He sounds ridiculous but men being oddly jealous of their children is not new. He sounds like an absolute nightmare truth be told. My dad can be like this and it’s incredibly draining, even now as an adult. He gets jealous if I answer the phone to my mum, but might not to him (for whatever reason). Seemingly they never grow up. I’ve no advice because leaving isn’t just as easy as some on here make out but I definitely think you need to snap back when he says stuff like that. Make him see how utterly childish he’s being. Not sure it’ll help though mind, but no way would I tolerate that from my child, let alone partner. Good luck! And I hope your DD enjoyed her first day at big girl school x

He is an arse.
He needs to grow up.

I couldn’t stay with someone like this, he’s a horrible immature bully.

His reactions are not normal.

Giving your child a hug before they go in to school for the first time is completely normal.

I'm sorry Op but he sounds just awful. I would have no time for any parent that behaved like this.

Honestly.... Don't have any more kid with him! We have 4 DC and neither of us are jealous of our kids and thy go to who they want at the time. Why shouldn't they?

I wouldn't tolerate this nonsense from my teens. I'm not sure I'd tolerate it from my 5yo, tbh.

Has he always been like this? I assume so.

What do you want?

Wow - haven’t read the full thread, but yes OP, it does appear that you are married to a giant angry baby

Is this behaviour typical for him OP?

I have had to work in the evening and not spending enough time with him.

so DD chose to carry on holding mine, which put DH in a bad mood.

I'm so sorry, @stressedandunsure2020 , you have got yourself an adult sized man-child there. If I could, I would magic away your doubts and let you see the situation for what it is. And, ideally, get him to see what it is too.

Thank you for all the responses.

In answer to some of the questions:

This isn't the first time this has happened. TBH since DD was born he has form for sulking when he isn't involved or centre of attention etc. An example if swimming lessons. We took DD to swimming from when she was about 4 months (Water Babies style class) I had been told only 1 parents was allowed in the water, spoken to him about it as to which parent was getting in (I wanted to, but would have been equally happy if he wanted to as well) he agreed that I could as he didn't want to do all the singing and clapping etc...but then has brought it up various times about how felt left out that he couldn't get in the pool with her (even though I said he could a million times)

At bedtime DD gets a couple of stories. One of us does bath/shower, and the other does story (when DH is here as he does a lot of late/night shifts which means he is often not here for bedtime, or is here but is trying to sleep/laying in bed for 12 hours a day - that's a whole other thread) when he is here, DD, generally asks for me to do story (which is fine as I find shower/bath quite stressful!) but I do try and encourage her to let DH do story as well as me (during the Summer months I also purposefully went out for a run over bedtime so DH had to do it) but again I will still get moaned at for the fact that DD wants me to do story

There is a whole long list of things I could add tbh, I didn't realise how on edge I am probably am all of the time to avoid setting him off in one of his moods.

I think if you had any doubts before, that I'd try really to avoid having another baby with this person, as I really cannot see any positive, mature future with him.

(Hopefully my advice is not too late!). 🌹

Let him be in a mood!

He sounds worse and worse OP. As if he thinks your daughter owes him love and attention rather than him having to actually work to build a relationship with her.

My daughter is a real mummy's girl and has been from birth. This has been known to express itself in ways that are hurtful for her dad, when she rejects him for cuddles or bedtime in favour of me etc. But he is an adult, so he deals with that himself rather than taking it out on her or me, and works tirelessly to find the things to do with her that can become 'their thing'. Because he knows she is her own person, not his posession.

Honestly your life with him sounds horrible. Does he have any good qualities??

I think really if you've now had an epiphany about how unpleasant and controlling he is (which he definitely is, by the way), then one way forward is to sit down and have it out with him, making it clear his behaviour is completely unacceptable, and if he doesn't change very significantly your marriage is over. If he won't accept he's at fault and really try to change, then I think your marriage is over.
Children should not be subjected to such an unhealthy relationship.
Sorry

He sounds like a monstrous pain in the arse and unbelievably selfish. You’ve been putting up with this for years as if it was normal, but it isn’t. Plenty of men are a bit lazy, but the sulking & neediness is very weird. You must be exhausted pandering to him, as well as working full time and pretty much being a single parent. Is this the life you want? You get to choose.

He sounds like a petulant child! It’s not a competition!