To want to move?

[thegreenlight]

I need advice. We live in a small 3 bed semi. Extended out the back to add large living, dining kitchen with island and bifolds to largish garden which is quite long. Off road parking for 2/3 cars to front. No garage but room for very large shed in garden. Lovely area looking over a massive park close to DSs outstanding school. Very good, well regarded road (we have the smallest house on it!) we are very happy here.

But... I want to buy a new house! I want to be honest in that I want to buy a larger house because we can. Because my mum will be impressed. To impress other people as I have quite low self esteem. DH is blissfully happy here.

The back overlooks fields and I’m worried about them building on it. We have over 1/3 equity in the house so it’s a possibility to move but we would double our mortgage for a 4 bed with garage (we bought at a good time).

We like to go to Disneyworld every year (I know 🙄 don’t judge!) and DH would rather stay here and eventually buy a holiday home in Florida.

Please help me give my head a wobble. Why do I feel like this? DH is sad because it seems like I’m not happy with what we have but I can’t put my finger on why other than to impress others! Talk some sense to me please! AIBU to want to move when there is nothing wrong with the house I have!

I would suggest that moving only to impress others is not the best reason to move and it won't solve your underlying insecurity.

I totally get your thinking and sympathise but think about a year or two down the road when you’re feeling the effects of that extra money coming out and you still feel emotionally the same. Find another way to make a statement

Instead of moving I think it would be best to invest in some counselling to deal with your low self esteem and your need to impress with material things.

I can’t imagine wanting to move to show off improves your self esteem that probably makes you feel even worse about yourself. It’s a vicious circle

I’d sort the self esteem issue out and hold off moving till you feel it’s improved.

If you’ve got self-esteem issues, then it’s better to address those than move house. Not to mention that many people might not be impressed by your 4-bed house. Tbh I’m more impressed by someone’s good taste and a place with a nice feel.

I want to buy a larger house because we can. Because my mum will be impressed. To impress other people as I have quite low self esteem.

Definitely invest in counselling instead!

It's really positive that you've already identified the fact you're trying to impress your mum and others with your material 'worth', so I'd build on that and try to get to the root of the issue.

Has your mum said something about your current home?

I know it’s a ridiculous reason. It’s embarrassing to admit. People like our house a lot. Why can’t I (well I do, but I still want a bigger and more impressive house!) I’m being very honest.

Your self esteem issues will just move with you op. As pp said, would work on that first

There’s nothing wrong with buying a bigger house if you want to and can afford it, but it’s not going to solve the fundamental problem which is the need / desire to impress others.

I would genuinely consider some therapy to deal with your self esteem issues and then see if that cures the need to impress others with your house. If you still want to move, fine - but work on the underlying insecurity first, or you’ll never be happy!

It will cost you tens of thousands in interest over the term to double your mortgage. And think about what you would do if the interest rates went up from 1 point something. I was paying 7% in 2009.

LonginesPrime I feel my mum thinks this is what I’m ‘worth’. She’s comfortable that I’m not too big for my britches. She’s very dismissive about people who do well, she doesn’t like my ‘middle class’ friends because of their bigger houses and I kind of want to piss her off if that makes sense. Our house is worth £300000 (we are in midlands) so it’s not really cheap.

I had counselling to help me with my relationship with my mum recently but have stopped.

You could move to another house but feel exactly the same about that house and want to move again. You’d regret getting rid of the lovely house you’re in now and wish that you could turn the clock back, but it’d be too late. Imagine moving and your family all hating it. Think how awful that would make you feel.

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. The issue isn’t your house but your own self esteem.

You sound like a fool .. why are people like this? No one cares where you live or where you holiday!!!

You need to address your issues with your mum. This is not about the house

Moving wouldn’t make you feel better re your mother, she wouldn’t respect you any more or behave nicer towards you I’m afrai

gubbbbbddaaaa I admire your self esteem and security. I dislike myself immensely and think ‘stuff’ will give me worth. To myself as well, not just others. I am trying to recognise and address it. I know I am foolish and that is why I started this thread to have people tell me so.

It sounds like you don't like yourself much.

What do you do for yourself? What makes you happy?

Counselling / CBT / life coach / whatever would be a lot cheaper than moving house, even if it takes years.

Your house sounds huge to me and with a lot going for it.

If after you are truly at peace with yourself and like yourself you still want to move, consider it then.

Sorry x posted!

Find a new project. Upcycle some furniture. Get a pet. Start volunteering. Something with Job Satisfaction...

Do it for yourself, not what others say you should do. Also get some help with your low self esteem.

@gubbbbbddaaaa

You sound like a fool .. why are people like this? No one cares where you live or where you holiday!!!

Sounding like a fool is better than sounding like a bitch 🤷🏻‍♀️

The OP does not sound like a fool, but....

There are lots of good reasons for moving. We have a perfectly nice, big enough house but I would like to move so I could have a home office instead of the kitchen table, a vegetable patch, a garden yoga studio and a swimming pool.

So not going to happen! If it did, I would want to keep it all to myself and not share with any visitors . So imo YANBU to want a bigger house (we can all dream...) but YABU to want a bigger house just to impress others. Lots of better reasons to want one!

Your house sounds lovely and is obviously big enough for your family unless you thinking of adding another person. It sounds like my house (though there is a garage as well as a drive for three cars+), only at the bottom of my garden is someone else's garden that backs on to us. We can't see into it or they into ours because of decent fencing.

There are things you can do to your house to enhance it (not that it needs enhancing). Maybe an ensuite or even another room upstairs.

Please take no notice of what your mother says. She obviously has a massive chip - you could tell her plainly you are fed up of her always passing such remarks and that she is insensitive.

Enjoy your home and only move if and when you really want or need to.

@thegreenlight If your mother is the sort of person I suspect she is, it won't matter how big your house is or what you have. She'll be determined to put you down whatever you achieve. Whether that's jealousy on her part or some kind of working class chip on her shoulder - what if you buy the bigger house and she somehow shits on that, too? What happens then?

If you love Florida, a holiday home sounds like it'll give you much more satisfaction AND be something that people might envy.

But seriously though, I echo what PPs have said. Invest in some counselling and examine your relationship with your Mum.

Going off the point of your house, why do you go to Disneyland every year? I can imagine going once, maybe twice, with kids but surely the novelty wears off. There are far more interesting and attractive places to holiday in this world, even in this country.

You've done well and that is enough OP. Now enjoy the life you have built.