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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to move?

57 replies

thegreenlight · 06/09/2020 16:03

I need advice. We live in a small 3 bed semi. Extended out the back to add large living, dining kitchen with island and bifolds to largish garden which is quite long. Off road parking for 2/3 cars to front. No garage but room for very large shed in garden. Lovely area looking over a massive park close to DSs outstanding school. Very good, well regarded road (we have the smallest house on it!) we are very happy here.

But... I want to buy a new house! I want to be honest in that I want to buy a larger house because we can. Because my mum will be impressed. To impress other people as I have quite low self esteem. DH is blissfully happy here.

The back overlooks fields and I’m worried about them building on it. We have over 1/3 equity in the house so it’s a possibility to move but we would double our mortgage for a 4 bed with garage (we bought at a good time).

We like to go to Disneyworld every year (I know 🙄 don’t judge!) and DH would rather stay here and eventually buy a holiday home in Florida.

Please help me give my head a wobble. Why do I feel like this? DH is sad because it seems like I’m not happy with what we have but I can’t put my finger on why other than to impress others! Talk some sense to me please! AIBU to want to move when there is nothing wrong with the house I have!

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 06/09/2020 17:35

I feel my mum thinks this is what I’m ‘worth’.

OK, but why is it so important to you to gain your mum's approval?

I know how you feel as I literally spent the first 35 years of my life thinking 'if I do this, maybe my dad will be proud of me' about various things. But it turned out even when he was 'impressed' with certain things (always because of some external reference point, like a friend of his in the same career field as me acknowledging my achievement or because it had been publicly acknowledged by others, etc) it still didn't give me the satisfaction I craved - he was still him and our relationship was still unfulfilling. Now I realise I was barking up the wrong tree for my self-esteem (the clue's in the name!).

Why did you stop the counselling?

Original poster
thegreenlight · 06/09/2020 17:46

jessstan2 it’s Disneyworld, and you’ve obviously not been if you think you can do it all in 2 trips. It’s the one place on Earth where we all feel happiest. There are lots of us out there who feel the same! But it does cost a lot to go as we always stay on property so it is a consideration when we think of moving. DH would like to live out there for half the year when we retire and that kind of means staying put in this house.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenlight · 06/09/2020 17:47

ScrapThatThen Thankyou. That means more to me than you will ever know.

OP posts:
Staringpoodleplottingrottie · 06/09/2020 17:48

Nobody will notice or care that you’ve got a bigger house (except perhaps your mother). Agree with everyone else, this isn’t a healthy way to feel so you’d be better off investing in therapy

june2007 · 06/09/2020 17:50

Yanbu to have itchy feet I do too. But then you look at the housing market and what you get for your money and I think actually it,s not so bad. I don,t intend to settle where i am but sometimes we have to count our blessings.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 06/09/2020 17:52

june2007 that’s exactly it. I look at what’s out there and realise my house is much nicer than most of the more expensive ones in layout and decor and area even if it’s a little smaller - so why do I feel Like this?

OP posts:
gubbbbbddaaaa · 06/09/2020 18:23

@thegreenlight I admire your honesty and it's an insight into how other women's minds work .. stuff will not make you a better person though .. honestly !!

gubbbbbddaaaa · 06/09/2020 18:26

Also to others up thread , I'm not a bitch but I've encountered many women like this across my life and it's such a waste of a life wishing you were something else or better .. I meant say it out loud it sounds so foolish .. stuff won't make you feel better about yourself !

Feelingpoorlysick · 06/09/2020 18:31

Nobody else cares what you have and your self esteem issues will still be there even if you got a bigger house. I say this as someone who has had similar thoughts in the past and have slowly come to realise its not worth it.
Appreciate and enjoy what you already have. Your house sounds lovely.

Ginger1982 · 06/09/2020 18:34

@thegreenlight

jessstan2 it’s Disneyworld, and you’ve obviously not been if you think you can do it all in 2 trips. It’s the one place on Earth where we all feel happiest. There are lots of us out there who feel the same! But it does cost a lot to go as we always stay on property so it is a consideration when we think of moving. DH would like to live out there for half the year when we retire and that kind of means staying put in this house.
I actually think this says a lot about you to be honest!
vodkaredbullgirl · 06/09/2020 18:40

Is this a boasting post, or you looking for approval of others?

Original poster
thegreenlight · 06/09/2020 18:45

vodkaredbullgirl definitely not boasting. Head is sufficiently wobbled. I need to learn to be happy with what I have rather than focusing on what I feel I should have.

OP posts:
SollaSollew · 06/09/2020 18:46

I recognise so much of how you feel OP and I clearly don’t have the answers as we complete on our next house on Tuesday! If like me, it was made clear no one expected you to amount to much it’s hard not to spend a lot of your life proving people wrong and basing your self esteem on being able to do that. All I can say is I empathise.

On the positive side, being so driven to buy, improve and then buy bigger our current house sold quickly!!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 06/09/2020 18:48

Even if you move it won't be enough eventually.
Why exactly do you need another bedroom? Why do you think people will be impressed by that?

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/09/2020 18:50

Be happy with what you have, as shit happens and loose everything.

steff13 · 06/09/2020 18:53

There will never be a nice enough house.

LadyFrumpington · 06/09/2020 19:32

Buying a new house won't fix what you've got.

You do however have "a vision" and plan for your (already) enviable lifestyle

i would stick with your current home and focus your efforts on a financial plan to make the amazing disney dream/ holiday home/ retirement plan a reality.

Fwiw i have been very lucky in terms of travel and have been to some amazing places. i still think Florida disney is utterly marvellous. There is something special and enchanting about disney world and i cannot wait until we have kids and can share the magic with them too 😍.

TorkTorkBam · 06/09/2020 19:40

Get a different high status thing.

Get a PhD and make everyone, mum included, call you Dr Greenlight.

Take on a high status community role, school governor, local politics, something like that.

Buy a yellow convertible.

Rent your house out as a film set and tell everyone.

Do not move house.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 06/09/2020 19:46

This is why Mumsnet is so brill - kind words, firm words, all appreciated and taken on board. Sometimes you just need someone else’s perspective to see what has been there all along. Thankyou all!

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 06/09/2020 19:50

Sorry OP, but it’s a mad idea.

If your DS is happy and you’re in catchment for an Outstanding school then wild horses wouldn’t drag me away.

Your house sounds nice and affordable. You have no idea if the fields at the back will be built on - if they are, it’s not a big deal.

Your problem is your lack of self esteem. How will buying a house that might be harder to manage in a post-Covid economy help that? It’s a crazy reason to want a bigger house!

Work on your self esteem issues. Get therapy if needed.

On no account move house.

Potionqueen · 06/09/2020 19:51

Your mother has really messed with your head hasn’t she? Are you happy with your life? It sounds as if you are. Enjoy your holidays in Disneyworld. You only get one life. Live it happy. Enjoy your home.

Bluntness100 · 06/09/2020 20:02

it's an insight into how other women's minds work

Eh , what now? Why didn’t you say other people. What makes you think this is peculiar to women?

And op I agree If you wish to impress people. Why not do something, achieve something, and not just try to do it with possessions?

ShakerCan · 06/09/2020 20:04

Any new house you buy I can guarantee, you won’t find your self esteem in it.

MadameBlobby · 06/09/2020 20:14

Surely the kind of people who are good people to have in your life aren’t impressed by material things like big houses. I couldn’t give a shit about houses personally. I live in a 3 bed semi and no plans whatsoever to move even though my house is probably the least good house of anyone I know. As long as it’s big enough, nice enough and the kids are happy I don’t care. If people think less of me about that or that I’d be a better person because I had a bigger house then that says more about them. I’m sure it’s the same with your friends - they like you for your nature and personality and not because of your house.

I think where you are sounds lovely and the quality of life you could have now and longer term would be better than moving. Imagine in 20/30 years time you rattling round your big house and thinking you could be enjoying the lifestyle in Florida. Will it be worth it then to have impressed people?

RandomMess · 06/09/2020 20:22

Have you ever considered winding your Mum up?

Telling her about which jag car you are thinking of buying, amazing 2nd home in Florida, private boarding school and so on...

Back to therapy to finish dealing with the sh*t your Mum has dumped on you...