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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to move?

57 replies

thegreenlight · 06/09/2020 16:03

I need advice. We live in a small 3 bed semi. Extended out the back to add large living, dining kitchen with island and bifolds to largish garden which is quite long. Off road parking for 2/3 cars to front. No garage but room for very large shed in garden. Lovely area looking over a massive park close to DSs outstanding school. Very good, well regarded road (we have the smallest house on it!) we are very happy here.

But... I want to buy a new house! I want to be honest in that I want to buy a larger house because we can. Because my mum will be impressed. To impress other people as I have quite low self esteem. DH is blissfully happy here.

The back overlooks fields and I’m worried about them building on it. We have over 1/3 equity in the house so it’s a possibility to move but we would double our mortgage for a 4 bed with garage (we bought at a good time).

We like to go to Disneyworld every year (I know 🙄 don’t judge!) and DH would rather stay here and eventually buy a holiday home in Florida.

Please help me give my head a wobble. Why do I feel like this? DH is sad because it seems like I’m not happy with what we have but I can’t put my finger on why other than to impress others! Talk some sense to me please! AIBU to want to move when there is nothing wrong with the house I have!

OP posts:
astuz · 06/09/2020 20:26

I really empathise with this.

I live in a lovely 4 bedroom house, with DH and our 2 children, so have a spare bedroom, mortgage paid off, loads of money to go on holidays, which I love, and much prefer spending my money on this than more house. Our house is in a lovely location, with an area of woodland behind us that will never be built on. We have a garage, big garden, space for 5/6 cars.

BUT, I just keep comparing myself to other people all the time. My brother-in-law who lives in a 7 bedroom house, friends of ours who live in a 5-bedroom house, my sister who lives in a 4-bedroom house and she hasn't done a single day's work in her life, whereas I worked hard all through school, and have worked full-time for most of my adult life. Why does she get the same as me? Even though it's not really the same as me, because none of these houses have the big garden or extra parking, my sister's doesn't even have off-road parking, never mind a garage.

I'm obsessing over number of bedrooms, basically. I'm a perfectly intelligent person and don't feel like this about any other material things. I drive a 10 year old car and don't give a shit what anyone else thinks about that. My DH is perfectly happy where we are and really doesn't want to move, so we won't, and deep down I don't really want to. I keep looking at houses in our area on right move, and they are all new builds, and yes, they have an extra bedroom, but overall there is less space than our house - less parking, smaller garden, overlooked behind - it would be utter madness to spend probably another £200000 buying one of those new builds!

I just wish I could feel really happy with what we have - I used to, but I now feel like everyone else has caught up with us, and I should be living somewhere bigger and better than them. It's so pathetic.

Bluntness100 · 06/09/2020 20:37

Astuz I think your issues are very different to the ops to be honest...

gubbbbbddaaaa · 07/09/2020 07:49

@Bluntness100 because I don't have close relationships with men and I always presume they care less about stuff like this . I know two women who are like the op and one who has basically imploded our friendship because of jealously when I couldn't care less where you live or what car you drive .. it just doesn't register with me !

thegreenlight · 07/09/2020 07:54

gubbbbbddaaaa I find that unfair. I am not jealous of my friends or begrudge than any happiness. This is purely about me not feeling worthy. It is very much turned in upon myself and I can’t imagine ever being unkind to a friend over it. It doesn’t say much about you that you blame the friendship breakdown on jealousy (her being jealous of you I presume). Again, I applaud your self esteem.

OP posts:
gubbbbbddaaaa · 07/09/2020 08:49

I'm not meaning to be unkind , just trying to understand it all. I wish you well and hope you sort out your issues . I am lucky I value myself I guess , in reality I have a son with special special needs and life is tough but I accept this because I feel fighting against the reality will cause more stress and heartache . 'It is what it is ' is my favourite saying .

CuntyMcBollocks · 07/09/2020 09:15

Why would you want to waste loads of time and money just to impress other people?

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 07/09/2020 10:59

There are few people who give a toss about what house you live in. If your mum will be impressed by your buying a bigger house then you have clearly got your poor sense of values from her. You both need counselling.

Honestly, what would you get out of borrowing more money to buy a bigger home other than more debt? Do you really think people will be impressed that you have more debt than them? Confused

Why would you want to take your family away from somewhere they enjoy living? All you will do is take your low self-esteem elsewhere and your family may not enjoy living there.

I'd definitely have counselling to deal with my issues if I felt as you do.

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