Are all teenagers like this?

[GarlicMonkey]

Would like to hear others' experiences of living with teenagers because.... Solidarity? ... Reassurance? ... Misery loves company? I don't really know why but I'm having an 'at my wits end' phase with my lot & I'm ready to throw in the towel.

Mine are boys but I don't think it's limited to one sex. The back chat, the mess, the laziness, the arrogance, the moods, the emptying of the fridge, just everything! Before I had my own I thought people must be exaggerating about how infuriating they are, good grief was I wrong.

YABU - It's just your kids.
YANBU - It's most teens.

Re smell!

My ds didn't smell too bad . BUT my dd had a 'frisky' mare at the time. She (the mare) would go completely bananas, if she was even near a male horse (neutered or not) think screaming, backing her behind up to the subject of her love, she was a disgrace .

She absolutely loved ds, didn't scream but much the same behavior, so the smell is hormones. Make your ds shower, wear deodorant and forgive them, they cannot help it, necessarily .

I remember reading about the touchy, door-slamming, flying-off-the-handle teenagers when I myself was 14 and thinking "there's only one person in our household who behaves like that and that's our mother". Who was going through the menopause. And yes, the entire family would have agreed on that, though we were all far too polite to say so. But you don't often get threads on menopausal women and what they are all like.

She was a brilliant mum, don't get me wrong, and we all love her to bits, but I did often feel like a parent in charge of a particularly emotional toddler.

My eldest brother did show some teen traits, but mainly emotional rather than rude. My youngest brother suffered adoption trauma but got calmer as he entered his teens. My middle brother and I just kept our heads down; don't think I can recollect middle brother ever shouting at anyone or talking back once he left toddlerhood- he was funny and likeable but very, very placid. His son is exactly like him: no one has ever heard him say a cross word to anyone. During a period of upheaval in his family, when the adults were behaving badly, he (then around 15) was the calm, sensible, mature one.

My ds was gloomy and cynical and full of Weltschmerz in his preteens, but became more easy-going with every year he moved into his teens: I think he was just one of those people who need to be adults and run their own lives. Only smell I remember around him is an overpowering odour of Lynx: thankfully, he has toned that down a bit with increasing maturity.

Not mine, but I hear it's common.

My eldest will be 13 soon. I'm living on borrowed time aren't I? 😩

My sons were really good teenagers. My daughter's on the other hand....
Let's just say there were many times when I wished I hadn't taught them to walk and talk.
Doors were slammed, not closed. Stairs were for stomping on, not walking. Clothes bought today were so yesterday tomorrow and a tiny spot was apparently the size of the moon which ensured lots of wailing about how they couldn't possibly be seen in public with that.
When all the slamming, stomping and wailing wasn't going on, it was the endless chattering.
I can remember coming in from work on day to an almighty row over whether Tampax or Lilets were better!

The back chat, the mess, the laziness, the arrogance, the moods, the emptying of the fridge, just everything

Or they could be "quiet and shy, obsessively tidy, workaholics, humble, lacking in confidence, food phobic......" I'm not sure which is worse?

Yep, but my now 19 year old is out the other side and is quite pleasant now.

I have only the one. 13-15 was a nightmare. Ds is 18 now, and things have improved a lot. Like a pp said do not tolerate bad manners and backchat. Shut it down immediately. Mine does stand and peer into the fridge, pace up and down when he is bored. But will do anything he is asked, hoovering, bins out, etc

My bugbear is that I have to ask in the first place. His response is just tell me what needs doing and I'll do it.

Hang in there Op, don't take shit, put your foot down and show them you are boss.

We really went through it with my eldest, she was bloody awful, even physically attacked me. The fighting with her younger sister was unreal, there were times I walked into the house, heard full-throated screaming as they argued, yet again, and I would turn around and walk straight back out. Her younger sister can be the same but we see less of it as her older sister gets the brunt of her behaviour. When my older daughter said she was staying at home for uni, I cried. Four more years of her living at home full time seemed like a prison sentence. However, lockdown was a real turning point. Taking the stress and pressure of school away, where both of them had issues with bullies, made them a lot more relaxed. My eldest is much calmer and more mature and last week she made a delicious lunch, brought me a cup of tea and told me she would make dinner that evening so I could work all day undisturbed. She helps with the house work, does her own laundry and is generally turning out lovely. She is starting uni this week but only virtually, so it is a relief we can get along under the same roof (myself and DH both work from home). Just try and stay calm, be consistent in what you expect of them, such as keeping a civil tongue in their heads when they speak to you and continue to do their chores. They will get there!

I don't purport to be doing this better than anyone else. But I get pissed off that boys get such a bad rap on here - from the 'not wanting another boy baby' threads to ones like this - 'all teen boys are horrible and smelly'.
Completely agree with this.

I'm happy to give the other side of the story - my sons eat a lot, they are unbelievably opinionated and turn every mealtime into a political debate but they are also bloody great to have around. They cook, they clean, they're clean and they are very kind and so funny. All their mates seem like lovely boys too (although maybe they aren't at home)

And this. My two are lovely. They hang out with (their equally lovely) friends, game, go to the gym, don't smoke, drink reasonably responsibly, look out for their friends, are entertaining, kind and appreciative.

Yes they clear the fridge, leave wet towels on the bannister, come alive at 11pm when I'm ready for bed, cook in the middle of the night and don't always clear up after themselves. None of which cancels out the above statement.

I am not an especially strict parent but I am fair. We have very few rules but the ones we have are expected to be adhered to.

nokidshere

I dunno, I might be speaking too soon but mine are 15 and 17 and no backchat, incredibly grateful for lifts and spends, respectful, independent, help out whenever asked, occasional critiques of what I am wearing or rejection of advice, the only door slamming is when they argue with each other. They wash regularly don't smell. We are an incredibly emotionally repressed lineage though so that might account for it. Love spending time with them when honoured with their presence.

My teen boy doesn't smell, showers every day, and is lovely, thoughtful and kind - but also these are all kind of true too:

"back chat, the mess, the laziness, the arrogance, the moods, the emptying of the fridge"

But I agree with a PP too about menopause, I mean I'm similar with the moods, and back chat gets back chat back! DS knows everything, eats like a horse and his room is a tip, but he does also care and make an effort if he's reminded. I tease him a bit about anything unreasonable and vice versa. I try to have a sense of humour about it. He's funny and great company when not moody, so generally I'm not at my wits' end with him at all.

I do have a younger DD though who's coming up to the teen years and already has a lot of classic "nightmare teen" behaviour so I might be about to get my comeuppance.

Mine is coming up to eighteen now, He is messy, has been moody at times but he doesn’t smell and never has, has never given me backchat, and we’ve always had a good relationship.

I do think there is definitely a case of people just saying “that’s teens for you” and putting up with certain behaviours. There are always going to be some points where they do your head in, and a lot of that comes from the fact that as they grow up they become their own person, and often that is similar to the parent they most clash with.

My mum will say to this day that I was never moody, never talked back, didn’t even ask for money etc in the way my sister did. My DS was always asking “can I have x or y,” now that he’s working part time the realisation has hit home as to just how much money he was expecting.

DSD was GROTTY from 13 but has just turned 15 and getting ever more delightful. Kind, thoughtful, funny an increasing amount of the time. Just as DSD (12) sinks into the mire...!

My DS is 13 in a month, so not even a teenager yet. I’m embarrassing; me asking him to do anything is unreasonable; I shouldn’t go in his room or touch his stuff, although him going in my room, taking my stuff without asking then losing/breaking it is perfectly fine; it doesn’t matter that he has made a mess and it’s getting in my way, he’ll clear it up when he’s ready, which would be never if I didn’t nag him; me asking something once is nagging, me not responding to his request the second the information leaves his mouth is unacceptable; it’s not fair, nothing is ever fair; him behaving like an arse is fine, me telling anybody about him being an arse is not allowed because it makes him look bad.

At times he’s lovely, and at other times I could cheerfully throttle him.

13-15 is/was harder going with all 3 of them but most of the rest of the teen years has been easy. They are endlessly hungry, have become nocturnal in lockdown and are messy but they are also fantastic company and good fun.

The tricky bit is menopausal me and premenstrual DD clashing. DH and DS run interference on those days (DS1 is more likely to pour petrol on the flames for his own amusement)

It's your destiny as a parent of teenagers to be embarrassing by just existing, but you can use it to your advantage. If they are too rude about how embarrassing I am, I tell them I'll show them embarrassing any time they like - if they give me shit I can always turn up at their school and do a song and dance routine in front of their mates.

I'm only half-joking and they know it :o

Im quite lucky, Dd 17, has had her moments but overall brilliant, Ds is 13..., brilliant overall a few back hats and strops...
Youner 2 dc..., i hope im a lucky!!!!!
My DM said I was worse than my DB put together!!

This reminds me of something I read long before I had children, but that I have tried to keep in mind.

"Try and listen when you're little ones are telling you the little stuff, so then your big ones will tell you the big stuff. Because, to them, it's always been big stuff."

Mine are girls and a nightmare. The answering back really grates on me, they always think they know everything and are always right, the mood swings, the constant eating (although at least it's mostly healthy food rather than rubbish), the constant asking for money to go out (saved loads in lockdown), the constant mess...
But I still see glimpses of them being normal and loving especially with their baby brother, they still like cuddles sometimes and can even hold an interesting conversation when they want to. So teenagers are hard work but still my babies at the end of the day.

Great thread this! I've got a feisty one . Love her to bits but boy she is like a dog with a bone when she gets something in to her head. On the other hand, she can be fairly aloof too. And you never know which version you are going to get. So communication consists of either grunting, shrugging, ignoring or answering so briefly and quietly I can't hear, or ...the polar opposite .... an intense in-your-face diatribe on Kurdish oppression at 11.30 pm at night , just when you have climbed in to bed and are seeking 20 mins of peace before sleep.

We clash quite a bit because we are quite similar in many ways. I have to walk away fairly often and bite my lip else things get shouty. I confess to having lost it on more than one occasion too (not my proudest parenting moments). As other people say, it's the "know it all" arrogance that can really get your goat. And being preached at about the world economy, when you were teaching them how to iron a duvet cover 10 minutes previously.

Neither does it help when adolescence clashes with menopause when you yourself as a parent may be feeling pretty low and lacking in confidence for the first time in ages. Just at a time when you need a supportive environment around you, you have someone challenging your every belief, habit, and viewpoint.

But I'm told she is a delight at school and is forever volunteering for stuff, which I am really pleased about, as she didn't have a lot of confidence when she started there and used to just sit and observe rather then participate and it was hard to get a word out of her and she was quite "avoidant"". Now though, at 17 yrs, that's all changed so much. They have a school "godparent" scheme whereby those in the last year of school, help to look after the first years. She told me they were doing the allocations this week and asked to be paired with "the most needy and difficult ones because I'm good at that"

My pfb DD has just started senior school. This weekend I have started to find her extremely irritating, her moody looks and lack of gratitude and ignoring me.

This is a child who has pretty much always been my delight and joy, even as a toddler she was ok.

It's starting isn't it ... 😥🤣

It will pass, take heart.