Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To feel guilty my date paid for my lunch?

60 replies

Poppadumpony · 05/09/2020 22:19

Hi,

Today I went on my first ever ‘online dating’ date! We met for lunch in destination halfway between where we each live, which neither of us knew very well. He said I could choose where to eat, so I picked a cafe google brought up that looked nice.

I ordered first, a meal that with a drink came to around £13. He then ordered a much smaller and cheaper meal that came to about £7. I thought to myself that I would suggest splitting the bill, each paying for what we’d had.

As we got to know each other, I realised that I am in a much higher paying career than he is, not that this matters to me, but it adds to why I feel guilty.

Anyway, while I was in the ladies, he paid the whole bill. I offered to give him half, he declined. I didn’t make a scene and just thanked him.

Anyway he’s said that he really likes me and would like a second date. I liked him as a person, but I didn’t find him that attractive. I feel guilty that if I refuse a second date, it will seem like I have taken advantage of him, by picking an expensive-ish lunch place, lettingg him pay the bill, and then disappearing. I feel as though I owe him at least one last date (where I pick up the bill!) to show I’m not a user?

Am I overthinking? Have I made a mistake here somewhere? What should I do next? Advice welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:

Settleandcalm · 05/09/2020 22:21

You can’t go out with someone again because he paid for a meal, that was his choice.

Serenschintte · 05/09/2020 22:21

I think id try a Second date.
He clearly wanted to pay - as he took an opportunity when you were not there to pay. So no need to feel guilty.
But if you decide not to try the Second Date that’s ok. Don’t just go on one so you can pay!

30under · 05/09/2020 22:21

I think you are overthinking it! If you don't want a second date, don't agree to it.

wherethewildthingis · 05/09/2020 22:22

You're over thinking but being kind, you don't owe him anything and you did nothing wrong. Absolutely don't go out with him again because of guilt

Eatyourbanana · 05/09/2020 22:22

Bless you. I don’t think you owe him anything though, it was very kind of him to pick up the bill but it does not mean you owe him a second date, or anything at all...

If it makes you feel better you could offer to pay your half of the bill when you decline a second date.

Original poster

Poppadumpony · 05/09/2020 22:44

Thanks for reassuring me! Any ideas how I can say no kindly? We had a lot in common and I wouldn’t want him to think I didn’t like him, because I did, and we got along well. But I just didn’t feel attracted to him and I really don’t think that’s going to change.
This is the reason I don’t date much! It’s stressful!!

OP posts:

Eatyourbanana · 05/09/2020 22:52

@Poppadumpony

‘Hi date. Thank you so much for today I had a good time and you’re a lovely guy. Unfortunately I just didn’t feel a spark. Please do send me your bank details as id like to pay for my lunch today, I would feel much better! Thanks again and I wish you all the best, take care. X’

DancingFlamingo · 05/09/2020 22:53

Some of my best relationships have happened where I wasn’t immediately attracted. So you could give a second date a go, and pay for that one. Then after that, if you’re still not keen you can be sure you gave it a good chance and all things were equal.

But this is also why I just arrange a drink/coffee for a first date, not a meal, saves this headache!

SanFrancisco49er · 05/09/2020 22:55

Just say you really enjoyed meeting him but don't think you want to take it any further, thanks again for lunch and wish him well.
It's only 1 date, you don't have to say more than that!

DrEllie · 05/09/2020 22:56

Absolutely agree with Dancing Flamingo

NoImNotPregnant · 05/09/2020 22:57

@DancingFlamingo

But this is also why I just arrange a drink/coffee for a first date, not a meal, saves this headache!

Agree with this

Megan2018 · 05/09/2020 22:59

I wasn’t that attracted to my DH on the first date, but we got on brilliantly. By the 3rd date I knew he was the one. Go on the 2nd date but not because of money

hastingsmua1 · 05/09/2020 23:02

If you don’t want to see him again, you don’t have to.

If you feel guilty, you could always offer half via PayPal/bank transfer. I realise that might sound convoluted, but in my student days my friends and I would send each other money to cover meals or taxis etc, it’s fairly commonplace.

You don’t owe him anything.

RatanPostmaster · 05/09/2020 23:07

@DancingFlamingo

But this is also why I just arrange a drink/coffee for a first date, not a meal, saves this headache!

Agree. Since you found some common ground and you say you liked him, why not give it another go? The second time the pressure would be a bit less and you never know but you may fancy him! Also you should make it clear that you are paying for the meal!

12309845653ghydrvj · 05/09/2020 23:15

The money stuff—he chose to pay, he’s an adult and don’t feel guilty! He didn’t even give you an option!

The second date—I agree with previous posters about attraction not necessarily coming on first dates, actually that happens with me a lot—like I go on a second date with a maybe and it becomes a defintite yes! So I’d generally give it another date, as long as it’s not a defintite total could not ever be attracted.

sweetbirdofjuice · 05/09/2020 23:34

OP you sound lovely but honestly, don't give the bill a second thought.

He decided unilaterally to pay while you were out of the room as he wanted to make the gesture. Also, £20 isn't a cripplingly huge amount for most people when budgeting for a date, even if not particularly high earners. I wouldn't worry about whether he can afford it. If that had been an issue for him I'm sure he would have looked at cheaper options beforehand.

As for the second date, obviously it's entirely your prerogative to not see him again but can I ask what makes you feel certain attraction couldn't develop if you got on well? Just not your type physically?

I only ask as I have been dating quite a while now and have to say there have been plenty of dates I haven't got on so well or had much in common with.

ifhedoesntlikeithecanstuffit · 05/09/2020 23:42

Oh god it's so awful isn't it? I'm so glad I'm married but if we ever split up I would stay single forever, I can't think of anything worse than dating again.....

I was once set up on a blind date by a friend's mother, when I was in my 30s. The chap was her neighbour. This was in the 90s so pre-internet. He was beyond dreadful - I almost thought I was on Jeremy Beadle! I was late as I'd lost my keys and he made jokes about appointing me the 'entertainments manager', and then spent the entire evening slagging off his ex! But the worst thing was - and I know I'm shallow and it might not have mattered if he'd been fun - but he was really unattractive......!

Anyway - the awful evening came to an end, and he asked to see me again. And because he was so unprepossessing, I really didn't want him to feel rejected on account of his looks - so I said YES!!!! Aargh!

I had to sit through another night of his miserable company (more moaning about the ex) before I felt able to say I didn't feel we had that spark. Why are we so pathetic? At least your chap sounds nice enough. He wanted to pay and it's a few quid - thank him and move on. Don't be me.......

ifhedoesntlikeithecanstuffit · 05/09/2020 23:47

Only if you're certain you couldn't fancy him, though......

Original poster

Poppadumpony · 05/09/2020 23:47

Thanks for all the sound advice!

Attraction wise... it’s his teeth. I think he’s had gum disease at some point, they’re dark and badly receeded. I just know I could never kiss him. Everything else about his personal hygeine seemed fine, but the teeth were just really unfortunate. I know it seems shallow, but that’s what the issue is.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 05/09/2020 23:48

I agree with everyone else that you shouldn't go on a 2nd date just so you can redress the balance financially
however
I also agree that, as you thought he was a nice chap, and you had a lot in common, I would probably go on a second date. Not all relationships start with fireworks and flowers. When I met dh the first few dates were 'well, he's okay, and I'm not doing anything else', but he sort of grew on me
We've been married over 26 years.

LEELULUMPKIN · 05/09/2020 23:49

I felt like this on one occasion. He was such a lovely bloke but I genuinely didn't think the right one for me.

I did agree to a second date though.

in 2 weeks time "the lovely bloke" and I will be celebrating our 28th wedding anniversary.

Best decision I ever made.

I know this doesn't help you OP but I would give it one more date.

What have you got to lose? You will feel better about being able to pay this time and you can tell yourself that you gave it a fair shot.

Good luck :)

Enough4me · 05/09/2020 23:53

A simple "It was lovely to talk, but I didn't feel a spark" is fine OP.

Bad gums would put me off too. Lots of fillings fine as people can have enamel issues, but gum issues makes me think about microbes and illness.

RAOK · 06/09/2020 00:00

I always try to stick to just a drink or a coffee on the first date too. I think it’s fine that he paid £20. I was expecting it to be £200 from the title! If you’re not feeling it, it is kinder to send a thanks but no thanks text now. Dating does get easier, it won’t always be like this.

Cocomarine · 06/09/2020 00:26

I had a “first date / OLD” pay the bill when I was in the loo. I told him that was one of the reasons I didn’t want a second date! Tbf there was an additional element - he’d twice offered and I’d twice said no, I wished to split it. (which I always preferred, but I also knew I didn’t fancy this guy). So - I found it disrespectful.

Yeah, maybe he thought he was being nice. He probably did.

But there’s a small possibility he believes you’re more likely to agree to a second date now, and has used money to manipulate you. Still want to be nice to him?!

I suspect he was being nice - but it’s still presumptuous that you’ll be comfortable with it, which to me is edging towards rudeness. You can be just as nice by saying, “I’d like to get this?” which still gives your date the opportunity to decline.

Don’t give it a second thought - or him a second date. His choice. Though I did like the suggested text above!

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 06/09/2020 00:34

You are not obliged to go on a second date because he paid without giving you an opportunity to go halves.

Also I am really shocked at how many people are encouraging you to go on a second date with someone you have clearly stated you are not attracted to.

Flip

1 2 3