To feel guilty my date paid for my lunch?

[Poppadumpony]

Hi,

Today I went on my first ever ‘online dating’ date! We met for lunch in destination halfway between where we each live, which neither of us knew very well. He said I could choose where to eat, so I picked a cafe google brought up that looked nice.

I ordered first, a meal that with a drink came to around £13. He then ordered a much smaller and cheaper meal that came to about £7. I thought to myself that I would suggest splitting the bill, each paying for what we’d had.

As we got to know each other, I realised that I am in a much higher paying career than he is, not that this matters to me, but it adds to why I feel guilty.

Anyway, while I was in the ladies, he paid the whole bill. I offered to give him half, he declined. I didn’t make a scene and just thanked him.

Anyway he’s said that he really likes me and would like a second date. I liked him as a person, but I didn’t find him that attractive. I feel guilty that if I refuse a second date, it will seem like I have taken advantage of him, by picking an expensive-ish lunch place, lettingg him pay the bill, and then disappearing. I feel as though I owe him at least one last date (where I pick up the bill!) to show I’m not a user?

Am I overthinking? Have I made a mistake here somewhere? What should I do next? Advice welcome. Thanks.

@chubbyhotchoc the 1950s called...

@ilovesooty mature. Everyone has different desires in a partner and shouldn't be belittled for them. Hopefully this guy finds somebody he's more compatible with who appreciates these kind of gestures.

[quote wafflethewonderdog]@SleepingStandingUp
He grew on me [/quote]
See I'm normally team try it twice, but she's replied by the idea of snogging him. Going on a 2nd date just to repay a £13 meal is silly and mean

@DancingFlamingo

Some of my best relationships have happened where I wasn’t immediately attracted. So you could give a second date a go, and pay for that one. Then after that, if you’re still not keen you can be sure you gave it a good chance and all things were equal.

But this is also why I just arrange a drink/coffee for a first date, not a meal, saves this headache!

I agree with this. Not because you owe him anything, but because you never know if a spark will develop. I say this because I’m married to someone who I dated a couple of times before I started to fancy him - we got on really well the first date, with tonnes of things in common, but I didn’t feel particularly attracted to him, same thing the second date, and the third date we’d palmed was at a ticket event - I’d already bought the tickets in advance or I probably would have cancelled the date! Anyway, I went and it was on that date that I realised there was an attraction, we had our first kiss and never looked back.

When I was in my twenties, I used to immediately bin guys off if I didn’t fall for them straight away, but a) I realised in my thirties that I needed to be a bit more open minded and b) all the guys I feel for because of an immediate spark turned out to be good-looking, charming, dickheads.

Ah that’ll teach me to get halfway through a post, get distracted, then finish it later. If you’re actually repelled by the idea of kissing him, I wouldn’t bother with a second date.

A bit off topic, but I didn’t feel a spark with my now DH. (Married 6 years now) persuaded me to have a second date, then a third. You get the picture. We met OLD in 2008

My point is, if you didn’t actively dislike this guy, don’t immediately rule him out.

Obviously it’s your choice, but I do think one date isn’t necessarily enough. He seems a decent guy, don’t rule him out straight away.

[quote chubbyhotchoc]@ilovesooty mature. Everyone has different desires in a partner and shouldn't be belittled for them. Hopefully this guy finds somebody he's more compatible with who appreciates these kind of gestures. [/quote]
I expect he will. There will always be women who are happy to think dressing up for a date means the man should put his hand in his pocket and the woman shouldn't have to have any manners.

@ilovesooty
Women who accept men wanting to take them to dinner/lunch and pay the bill don't have manners? Lol ok then.

If she doesn't fancy him because he has gross teeth then there is really no point in a second date.

The meal was £20. For two! I doubt he was being a manipulative control freak, just trying to be nice. But it's really not enough money to feel guilty about, or beholden by. It would be worse if they'd had a fancy dinner at Le Manoir or whatever, but as PPs have said - it makes sense to keep the first date (or several) local and cheap so none of these problems can arise.

OP - don't feel bad, move on, and good luck finding Mr Right! (and maybe a few Mr Right Nows in the meantime.....)

Hmmmm... I'd say something along the lines of 'Thanks for lunch, I enjoyed your company. I'm not sure we had much of a spark between us, but that doesn't mean we can't meet up as friends for lunch again - my shout this time!'

Or something similar? Ball's in his court then, and you never know, you might end up with a new friend. With awful teeth.