Caught him watching porn - wtf do I do now ???

[Ohmygodwtf]

I’ve named changed for this post as I’m mortified and also don’t want to risk being outed.

Story so far....
Have ds1 who turned 11 during lockdown. He’s young for his age. He has been asking some questions re sex Ed as they did it at school before summer holidays.
We talk openly at home when questions are raised. I also brought him a book to help him discover what is happening to his body etc.
First week of holidays, I walked into his room after calling him for ages to be faced with him having a wank. I calmly walkedout, shut the door and nothing was said. Think I may have been shell shocked.
I’ve since walked past his room twice and caught him at it with the door open and younger siblings mooching about.
I’ve had the discussion with him about ensuring he finds times where he isn’t going to be disturbed and has privacy.

The final straw for me was Thursday when I picked up the family iPad to pop a cartoon on for Ds2 and I went onto safari and there were windows open. I clicked on a couple and they were women in underwear, a few others were of naked women and the final window was porn.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. He’s 11. He’s an immature 11. No older siblings. No phone so no access to stuff on there. With lockdown he hasn’t seen friends or had access to many people at all. Only just started high school this week.

I feel like I’m so out of my depth. Please help me with some advice or words of wisdom or something as I am blaming myself, I have always wanted to be open with my kids. I want boys who aren’t afraid to buy sanitary good for their female friends. Boys that feel like they can approach us about anything. But this has thrown me, I’m not prepared. I feel like I’m raising a potential sex pest. Surely to god 11 is far far to young for anything like this.

Normal behaviour for that age unfortunately.
Can you imagine what we'd have googled if the net had been around then??

You need to get a block on your ISP and have a severe word with him about how fake and unrealistic porn is. Maybe buy him a decent book?

Could you get a lock for his bedroom door and have a rule that he can only do it when locked inside? If not that then make a rule it can only be done in the bathroom. I also think you need to make it clear that shared assets eg the iPad aren't used for viewing porn.

The phase will probably pass, the fact that he seems unashamed that people might catch him highlights his immaturity. A year or two and he will definitely be going out of his way to make sure he isn't seen.

I think the idea that you're "raising a potential sex pest" is taking things a little far (other than the fact that all children might potentially turn into sex pests as they get older).

Well the obvious answer is better internet controls. Masturbation is perfectly normal but porn is not appropriate. I would not allow him access to the internet in private for now.

Have no experience but could you use it as opportunity to discuss porn? Let him know the negatives and that should really only be viewed by adults etc etc. Have another discussion about when it's appropriate to masturbate privacy and the like.
You need to restrict your wifi permissions so he can't access it on wifi. There must be advice out there about online safety and this type of scenario.
Good luck x

Hello op

I have name changed as I had a similar situation without the porn but kept finding ds1 wanking with the door open with younger siblings about

I posted about it here and people were aghast and we have had a long long chat with him about what's appropriate And haven't found him since.

On the porn thing you need to explain why it's not a good thing. (Hard I know)
Good luck

Being interested is normal. I remember my brother and his mates at that age looking at the underwear pages in the Janet Frazer catalogue.

What's not normal is accessing porn at age 11 and the lack of privacy. Have a chat about keeping his door closed. Lock down your internet parental settings and the settings on the tablet.

Have a chat about the porn he's seen to make sure he hasn't seen anything that's upsetting or worrying for him.

You need better parental controls on his iPad, and then you need to have a conversation with him about porn in which you explain that it’s natural and normal for him to be curious and want to look these things up online, but porn sites are unrealistic and show lots of things he wouldn’t want to see. Explain that he could easily see people being hurt or unrealistic ideas about sex. Explain that porn doesn’t show good examples of consent and respect.

He really isn’t too young to be having this conversation - if anything, the conversation needs to catch up with where his curiosity is.

You’ll also need to explain to him that while masturbation is perfectly fine, it’s a very private thing and he must make sure he finds a private time to do it.

It’s awkward and uncomfortable, but now more than ever he needs parental guidance.

You talk to him about how the images he sees online are not reflective of actual healthy sexual relationships. Explain that it is normal to have feelings of arousal and that masturbating in private is perfectly normal. But explain that it’s not a good idea to view sexual images on the internet at his age because they distort reality. Real women’s bodies and real sexual encounters are entirely different

I would not get angry or punish him. It’s a natural curiosity. Countless generations have sought out naked images to satisfy their curiosity. It used to be sneaking copies of playboys or sharing risqué postcards. The internet just provides too much. He needs guidance from you on making good choices and a filter on your home internet isn’t a bad idea.

Ah yes, tell me all about your pre teens having a wank....

Massive controls on your internet and a very firm talking to about privacy and self respect.

If he continued to ignore the privacy issue I would come down hard.

His siblings shouldn't have to see him masturbating because he can't be bothered to close the door.

Get him a lock even if it’s just a hook lock, appropriate times to bat off, internet parental settings, Talk to him about porn and it’s lack of realism (www.keepitrealonline.govt.nz/parents/ has helpful discussion points)
And remind him to clean up after himself.

Its really up to him to decide when he's ready to masturbate. Its perfectly normal to want visual aids when masturbating.

What I think is important is teaching him about privacy of his own and others and respecting others. He needs to close the tabs when he's done and make sure he closes the door when masturbating. And now you know not to just walk in, masturbating or not he deserves that level of privacy.
Also get him some tissues and a bin so he's not using his clothing or bedding that you then have to have to clean- again, respect for himself and for you.

Similarly my ds aged 11 has recently been googling "big tits" and "boys -and girls
having sex"
We had a word and said it was unrealistic Sex and tightened up all the internet controls and phone controls - I then noticed this week he had done it again and images were still showing so I googled how to filter images and altered the settings!

DP says it's completely normal and we used to look at porn mags in the fields when we were kids..or the underwear catalog..

Not sure if wanking at 11 is normal /possible but maybe it is?!

Keep talking to him and answer any question he may have - I'm sure it's totally normal to have curiosity at this age

Three different things going on here, really -

• masturbation. Normal. No problem here.

• discretion! You need to vigorously impress upon him the need for making sure he is being 100% private. (on the same point - hygiene, tissues, and not leaving Mum to pick up crispy garments or sheet - yuck)

• porn - that's a parenting from above thing - you need to lock down your internet and block all access to that kind of thing and have a long chat with him about just how Teen Titans does not provide an accurate representation of teenage abilities, porn does not provide an accurate representation of relationships, sexuality or women. 11 is definitely too young to be viewing porn. Private internet browsing should be removed.

This has more detailed info to help you talk to him about the porn:

www.internetmatters.org/issues/online-pornography/protect-your-child/

“Your penis is private.

No one needs to see that dude! I’m f you’re worried and want to discuss masturbation then come and see me/another trusted adult”

Porn - absolutely needs to be discussed at length. He needs to know it’s damaging to watch it, it’s hugely disrespectful to girls and woman, all the women on there are someone’s mother/daughter/sister - would he want you in that situation, it’s unrealistic, it’s harmful - he doesn’t know if the women on there are underage, consenting, being abused...

And you need to repeat this conversation until he can’t type the word porn without hearing your voice.

It’s honestly so important- I run groups for young teens about porn and it’s a total disaster for boys (and girls, because you f what it does to the boys)

Do you talk to him about sexuality, masturbation, porn, etc? What education have you given him and how open are you about chats regarding sexuality?

Not sure where you're getting the idea that 11 is too young to be interested in sex etc. Have you had much sexual education yourself? He's behaving normally, except it sounds like no one has taught him manners/norms regarding how sexuality is expected to be treated, especially since as you say, he is a young 11.

Not sure you're aware but a child can be emotionally and socially very immature, but still experience sexual feelings. Developmentally delayed people are sexual as well, for example. If he is generally immature, he will be inappropriate with sex until someone in authority intervenes, or until he badly embarrasses himself with his peers... compassionate parenting would mean saving him from that by chatting to him and educating him, and also getting proper controls in place over all electronics in the home. He is too young to protect himself from the effects of porn, youll need to take steps for him.

Not sure if wanking at 11 is normal /possible blushbut maybe it is?! how do people have actual children and yet never manage to educate themselves on the absolute basics of human development. The mind boggles.

I'm finding it v gross to call it wanking when you're talking about a child.

Can I just ask a personal question OP - do you, your DH or DCs often leave the toilet door open when you go to the loo?

I'm just asking as (although we don't do this) I've been surprised over the years to find out a lot of people in relationships and families are very casual about this.

I'm wondering if his young age means he's equating masturbation more with a toilet function than a sexual act. So ensuring everyone always keeps doors shut when they're in the toilet may lead to him keeping this more private for him.

And yes, this is the best time to have a long talk with him about the vast difference between porn and real life relationships are, and how easily it is to get addicted and have it affect a man's relationships with women.

Worth a try controlling the internet via ISP but the reality is most kids have a free VPN on their phones which gets them around all controls including when using school internet.

Their knowledge of technology is often far better than parents

@SmileEachDay sorry I’m adding nothing to the thread for the OP but was interested in your comments about running groups - what kind of things come out of the discussions in terms of porn being a ‘total disaster’?

I’m quite interested. My DH uses porn and he really fucks me off with his lack of care - once at his parents’ I went to use our loo and found his phone unlocked on the side with porn showing. I have a DS and worry that he’ll go the same way 😕

I don’t know why men can’t invent fantasises like women do. It’s much healthier 😆

Parental controls really need to be tightened but I’d also be discussing what he was looking for, acknowledging his curiosity about sex and helping him think through what he’d seen. If nothing else the conversation is likely to be so excruciating he’ll leave the porn alone to avoid talking about it.

And try not to use negative language talking about sex - he’s perfectly normal in being curious about sex and his body. He may need help channelling his behaviours appropriately but he’s hardly a sex pest.

It's a safe guarding issue of a child has access to porn, so as pp said you need to lock down those controls, now. He cannot have access to that iPad alone -this is your responsibility.