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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there a statute of limitations on not wanting your friend to date your ex?

52 replies

Eminybob · 05/09/2020 13:09

A very old but distant (physically) friend has recently told me that she is seeing my ex from around 20 years ago.
I’m really pissed off. I hate myself for it, I haven’t told her that I’m annoyed, and just wished her well.

For context though, this guy thoroughly broke my heart and changed the course of my life. He was an abusive violent drunk and drug addict and our break up was horrific and scarred me for many years.

She knows part of what happened but not all and says he has changed.

But I just can’t see her in the same light any more and don’t want anything to do with her.

I’ve had nothing to do with this guy in 20 years, I’m very happily married with dc and I know I no business feeling this way. I’m being unreasonable aren’t I?

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 05/09/2020 13:12

It's quite weird that she would want to date him knowing how he treated you but you are being unreasonable to be angry with her.

Doyoumind · 05/09/2020 13:12

I don't actually think YABU. He was someone who had a lasting impact on you. There is no statute of limitations in those circumstances.

vodkaredbullgirl · 05/09/2020 13:12

It was 20 yrs ago, leave it in the past.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/09/2020 13:13

YANBU. You're just mourning the relationship you should have been able to have with him.

And that supposes she is right and he is a much changed person!

Just be there for her, in case she is wrong. Be grateful for the physical distance!

PlateTectonics · 05/09/2020 13:13

I think in the circumstances YANBU to feel this way.

Original poster
Eminybob · 05/09/2020 13:14

I’m not angry at her. I just don’t think I can be her friend any more. It’s too triggering. I haven’t stopped thinking about what happened back then since she told me and it can really spin me into depression when I get like this.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/09/2020 13:15

It's been 20 years...

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/09/2020 13:16

I think this is different. It would be a problem if they were best friends. The problem is bringing an abuser back into your thoughts/life.

Original poster
Eminybob · 05/09/2020 13:17

Any other ex after 20 years I wouldn’t be bothered in the slightest.

OP posts:
Lockdownseperation · 05/09/2020 13:17

I would be more concerned about the violent drug addict bit.

Original poster
Eminybob · 05/09/2020 13:19

I wish she hadn’t told me.
Although we are in touch by text/Facebook we see each other very rarely. I saw her last week for the first time in about 3 years.

OP posts:
ChaChaCha2012 · 05/09/2020 13:20

You need to separate the two issues. Your feelings about your past abusive relationship are valid. Sounds like you could do with talking that through with someone, it's not unusual for these feelings to come up years later. Her relationship with him is entirely separate, especially as they do not live locally to you.

Original poster
Eminybob · 05/09/2020 13:21

@Lockdownseperation

I would be more concerned about the violent drug addict bit.
Yeah I know I think she’s insane. But it’s been 20 years there is every possibility he’s a changed man.
OP posts:
Original poster
Eminybob · 05/09/2020 13:22

I have considered therapy about what happened. I had a thread on here a few years ago and it was suggested that I could have ptsd. It was a really horrible time.

OP posts:
Someone9 · 05/09/2020 13:29

If you're close friends then any ex would be off limits IMO (actual long term ex boyfriends though, not just someone you kissed behind the bike sheds in primary school Grin)

At least you have physical distance between you, that should make it easier to cool the friendship for a while. Take a step back and see how you feel. It might just be the initial ick/shock and when that wears off you may miss her enough to think the friendship's worth continuing or if you're still upset about it then you an take a step back permanently.

YANBU - particularly because he was abusive. If she knows the history and is with him anyway she's a fool.

Pinkdelight3 · 05/09/2020 13:31

20 years is a long time. If there is a statute of limitations, and short of someone being a psycho killer, I'd say there is, then it's well up. The fact that it can spin you into a depression "when I get like this" sounds like it's nothing to do with her or your ex, but something you need to get help for and work through for yourself. Accept what happened is in the past and well done for wishing them well. Hope you can deal with it and move forward.

Chamomileteaplease · 05/09/2020 13:34

Is part of it that she is (presumably) being very caring and lovely to someone who treated you so horrifically? ie it is as though she is being extremely disloyal? She's joined the other team as it were?

I don't blame you a bit. Hopefully you can lie low for a while.

best of luck not thinking about it.

QueenOfPain · 05/09/2020 13:35

You’re entitled to your feelings. I’d just give them both a wide berth and distance yourself as quietly as you can.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/09/2020 13:36

No, there's no statute of limitations. Friends don't do this. You've lost nothing but cutting her off.

Even if your ex hadn't been so nasty, this is something that you just don't do. There are other men out there. Sadly there are some women that are quite willing to do this. Let them get on with it and don't look back.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 05/09/2020 13:36

He may have changed, although it takes a collosal amount of work to bring that about.
Also, people don't violently abuse because they are addicts, rather, because they are violent abusers.
This also needs treatment, and odds are, this hasn't happened.

The likelihood is, her life will end up in turmoil and she may be calling you about this in the next six months.

Take your attention from them. There is nothing for you there.
What do you need today to help you? This thread is good support.
Keep the focus on you and take it easy on yourself.

You can do nothing about this situation, but manage it/your feelings wisely and well.

KeepingPlain · 05/09/2020 13:41

Honestly I don't think that you should see a guy that your friend has dated, no matter how long ago. They had a relationship, and he was abusive to op. Why would the friend be dumb enough to even go there?

She knows his past, and yet still goes there. Just so stupid. I'd not be friends with her either, she'll no doubt come crying to you when it goes wrong. I couldn't be nice enough at that point to not go 'told you so'.

Original poster
Eminybob · 05/09/2020 13:46

Some very wise words from a lot of you on here. Thank you

OP posts:
sqirrelfriends · 05/09/2020 13:47

Assuming he wasn't the great love of your life, then I personally wouldn't be annoyed she was seeing him. I would be annoyed that she would form a relationship with someone who who treated me so badly and would question her choices.

mellicauli · 05/09/2020 13:52

I think a different ex not so bad. But this ex, who hurt and abused you? Too right. Anyone who abused my friend is my enemy, not potential boyfriend material.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 05/09/2020 13:53

YANBU. I'd be horrified if that was me that she decided to date someone who treated me so abusively.

I'd stop contact with her. Also- she's really really stupid if she believes abusive men change so easily and effortlessly.

My guess is- give it a few months and she'll get back in contact wailing about how awful he's been treating her and wanting you to provide sympathy. You just wait.