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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there a statute of limitations on not wanting your friend to date your ex?

52 replies

Eminybob · 05/09/2020 13:09

A very old but distant (physically) friend has recently told me that she is seeing my ex from around 20 years ago.
I’m really pissed off. I hate myself for it, I haven’t told her that I’m annoyed, and just wished her well.

For context though, this guy thoroughly broke my heart and changed the course of my life. He was an abusive violent drunk and drug addict and our break up was horrific and scarred me for many years.

She knows part of what happened but not all and says he has changed.

But I just can’t see her in the same light any more and don’t want anything to do with her.

I’ve had nothing to do with this guy in 20 years, I’m very happily married with dc and I know I no business feeling this way. I’m being unreasonable aren’t I?

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 05/09/2020 14:01

YANBU, the only good thing is that if they are distanced then easier to have no contact. Even if he is no longer an addict, it is possible the other adverse aspects of his character will continue to present. Her decisions are wrong in many ways.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 05/09/2020 14:03

Well, generally I think people are free to date whoever they want and just because someone was previously in a relationship with a friend shouldn’t mean they’re off limits for ever. That said, I don’t believe the friend finding it odd or upsetting is BU and really if one makes the decision to date the friends ex, that’s surely an acceptance that this may be the end of the friendship.

How long they should wait/whether they should date at all is a bit of a red herring in this particular scenario. This man hurt and abused you and someone you thought cared about you has chosen to be with him despite knowing at least some of that. Of course that hurts you, I can’t imagine how anyone could just shrug their shoulders and say “Oh well” in this situation.

Yanbu to decide you’re not able to stay friends with her and you don’t have to try out of some misguided sense of obligation about being fair or supportive! She had to have known this could damage the friendship and she decided it was worth that risk. You’re under no obligation to paste on a smile and carry on what would be a superficial friendship, you don’t owe her anything here.

Do what’s right for your own mental well-being.

TimelyManor · 05/09/2020 14:05

Many years ago my friend started showing interest in a man who had sexually abused me. I didn't give her details of what he'd done but I did tell her he was very bad news. She didn't want to know, started going out with him and fell out with me. I've no idea what happened to their relationship.

It really hurts to think that someone ignores what you went through and carries on regardless. Having said that, until you're in the same situation, you really don't understand. Perhaps your friend will eventually, if your ex hasn't changed.

CheerioGoodbye · 05/09/2020 14:09

Yanbu.

Someone who treated you badly is someone you wish to have no connection with. By her dating him, you now have a new connection to him. He may become a huge part of her life and then it would be difficult to ignore.

I think it is the fact that he now can be told stuff about you from her and the other way round that bothers you. I would hate that.

picklemewalnuts · 05/09/2020 14:10

I think you need to tell her he was horribly abusive, that thinking about him really upsets you and please don't talk about you to him.

That you will always be there for her, especially if she needs you, however will find it hard to hear from her while he is a big part of her life.

Say you've downplayed the impact of that period of your life, but that it was awful and has taken a long time to recover from.

YummyJamDoughnut · 05/09/2020 14:12

I think in the general run of things, it would be unreasonable.So if, for example, my best friend started dating the person I was with when I was 16 (and we broke up due to being at different colleges after school and just drifting apart), I wouldn't really care, and it would be nice to catch up with him again after so many years.

In your situation, I would say it's completely different. A horrific time from your past has come back into your present, and it's bound to really upset you. I don't know if I could continue to be her friend, to be honest. I definitely would not be able to meet him, ever.

Of course she says he has changed. He's probably told her that.

I'm sorry. This must be really horrible and unsettling for you. I don't think YABU.

ArabellaScott · 05/09/2020 14:14

Sorry to hear you're upset, OP. I can understand why you would be.

From the sound of it, I think she maybe needs a warning about this man. He sounds like bad news and I think it would be fair to let her know his history - although if she's determined, I doubt you'll be able to stop her.

ArabellaScott · 05/09/2020 14:16

she'll no doubt come crying to you when it goes wrong

tbh this would be the best outcome. The worse one could be - a lot worse. Violent men tend to get more so, as far as I understand, rather than less.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/09/2020 14:34

I actually think YANBU about this. Not so much because of her dating an ex, but because THIS man did a lot of damage to YOU, and as your friend, she shouldn't want to have anything to do with him. Also because if she is seeing him, that brings him back into your sphere, and I should think you want fucking nothing whatsoever to do with him - I know I wouldn't!

So in this particular instance, I say YANBU - and I would reconsider staying friends with her over this, purely because I wouldn't want that man anywhere near me ever again.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 05/09/2020 14:38

Having thought about this more, its definitely the fact he was abusive to you that would get me the most.

If you guys had just drifted apart through noone's fault and the spark had gone I could understand her getting together with him as no feelings were left. BUT, for her to look at him, fully KNOWING he treated you like crap and for her to think "yeah- he's so hot" is really really kind of well, sick.

Devlesko · 05/09/2020 14:42

It's a shame that in 20 years you haven't moved on.
You need to talk to somebody maybe refer for counselling. When you have been through so much it's hard to move on, but don't let him win. 20 years is a long time to think about this shit.

Lollyneenah · 05/09/2020 14:49

The thing is it sounds like this fella has abused you. Similar to how a burglar robs your property or a mugger steals your handbag.
Of course you feel upset about it. It would be the same as her saying that she was dating the little shit who broke into your house and trashed the place, and expecting you to give her a pat on the head.

I wouldnt be friends with her either OP. I've been through something similar and I'm honestly disgusted when I see old friends/acquaintances spending time with my abusive ex. Genuinely wouldnt even nod at them even we passed in the street.

TheHappyHerbivore · 05/09/2020 14:52

Normally after 20 years YWBU to have an issue with it but I can absolutely see why it’s triggering when he was so abusive to you.

I wouldn’t cut off contact with your friend but it’s fine for you to say you don’t want anything to do with him or to hear about him because it’s triggering to you after his past behaviour.

Intrepidintrovert · 05/09/2020 15:18

You're not unreasonable. She's a bad friend to have anything to do with someone who hurt you, and she's exceptionally naive - arrogant even - to think he's changed and it won't happen to her. Just try to keep your distance from her - if she brings it up again just tell her that you're not comfortable talking about him and feel very sorry for her being involved with him.

HannaYeah · 05/09/2020 15:21

I think anyone would be upset about a friend dating someone that abused them.

I don’t really believe the posters that say it wouldn’t bother them.

jessstan2 · 05/09/2020 15:25

You can't help how you feel but he is probably a different man in many respects to how he was twenty years ago.

You've got on with your life, so has your ex and your friend. Try to draw a line under your relationship with this guy and be glad for them.

Blondiney · 05/09/2020 15:25

YAprobablyBU but I completely get where you're coming from. I'd hate it too.

Ireolu · 05/09/2020 15:28

IMO You are not being unreasonable. You feel how you feel.

Noendbuttheend · 05/09/2020 15:29

Yeah I would be miffed.

Mine however had an affair with my husband and is now with him

Yeahnahmum · 05/09/2020 15:29

It was t w e n t y years ago op. Come on...
He might have changed by now
Orrrrr he is still the same and will suffer the consequences soon enough. She knows your story/history

But i feel like she is free to as she pleases. Even if this was a wonderful man and you only broke up 2 months ago 😊 considering she is a distant friend and not your bestie

Emeraldshamrock · 05/09/2020 15:35

Under normal circumstances i personally couldn't care less though I've a scary violent ex who still gives me the odd nightmare 20 years later I'd be horrified if anyone I knew got with him.

msflibble · 05/09/2020 15:40

If he wasn't a violent abuser I'd say YABU but he is, so you aren't unreasonable for being angry with your friend for shacking up with someone who harmed you. I was angry with some of my friends (not mutuals, but people who'd met him through me) for even just staying friends with my abusive ex after knowing the ways in which he'd damaged and betrayed me.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 05/09/2020 15:44

You can't help how you feel but he is probably a different man in many respects to how he was twenty years ago

Having worked in mental health for 15 years, I doubt it.

People can and do change but its not that common and it takes an awful lot of personal reflection and hard work. Unfortunately, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.
He might have changed, but statistically speaking, its more likely he's doing the classic abuser tactic of pretending to be charming at the beginning to get the woman. Its usually only when you get to know someone that their true colours come out.

Original poster
Eminybob · 05/09/2020 15:57

So many of you have it absolutely spot on.

I would never ever tell her how I feel, mainly because I would never want him to know the effect he has had one me.
I’m not planning on “warning” her either. She didn’t come to me to ask my opinion, or blessing, in fact from what I can gather they have been together for quite a while and she only told me because we saw each other.

I’d like to think that if it goes wrong for her I would be the better person and offer support and a shoulder to cry on, but in reality I don’t think I could. I don’t think she would come to me anyway, but if she did I would consider that to be insensitive in the extreme.

OP posts:
Lollyneenah · 05/09/2020 16:18

You've got this @EminybobeminybobFlowers

I found that the hardest part from me re- abuse was being believed. More than anything. There were many witnesses to my ex kicking my door in so hard that he broke my fingers, he didnt even dispute it to the police, but some of those people are on facebook etc congratulating him on being in a relationship with another young woman who has two children.
I guess it makes me think that this new woman and the (ex)mutual friends believe that some part of me deserved it or wound him up etc etc.

Sorry for the tangent but I just want you to know you are absolutely not alone in this man still turning your stomach.
You should be very proud of yourself for handling it with such grace.

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