The advice and reasons people have gave for my sons' Autism

[Itsfunny]

I posted this on another thread but thought I'd share it here again to start a new discussion as I feel there is so much ignorance when it comes to Autism.i see and hear it constantly and experience it almost every time I have my son in public.

The 'helpful'things that people,family and strangers and care givers have said to me over the years
oh but autistic kids are geniuses really
He just needs to be told no and shown who's in charge
Hes just spoilt
Hes just badly behaved
Autism isn't real,hes just naughty
It's your fault because you were depressed when pregnant with him,bad hormones gave him Autism
I know someone who has autism who's a doctor now
I know someone who has Autism who couldn't speak but now is a millionaire
Have you tried putting him to sleep earlier?
Isn't there a place you could put him in like a hospital?
Have you tried feeding him xyz, so and sos child got better eating that
He will outgrow it
Hit him when he tries to scratch you so he wont do it
Lock him in a room and leave him to calm down
Did your scan not tell you he was this bad?
Its because you were in your 30s when you had him
Its because you did something in your bad life and this is your punishment
Some people are just meant to suffer
Have you asked the doctors if they can shock therapy his brain into working?
Dont know how you do it,I couldn't.
Autism is just an excuse for bad behaviour
You need to be firmer with him

These are some of the wonderful bits of advice from a range of people, might surprise you that majority of these people are classed as well educated.

My reality is a severely autistic child who has learning disabilities and has no comprehension or understanding of language, so he cant follow an instruction and isn't being obtuse or naughty.my reason for this thread is so people who dont know come to realise this.

Well meaning friends who say ‘yeah, my son can be a bit like that a times, it’s so hard isn’t it?’

Some people will never understand OP. My godson is autistic, non communicative and has difficulty doing basic tasks but his own granny will insist that he 'knows he's being naughty' and can't understand why my friend won't give him a smack to teach him his naughty behaviour isn't acceptable. Honestly, I have to bite my lip when I'm around friends mother as her views on parenting in general is outdated and shocking.

@raffle oh yes,if only they knew how much we'd like the actual naughty behaviour their child had that their child would understand is naughty once told.

@Mamadoll I've found this alot with some of the older generation, it's just a lack of understanding and not taking the time to learn about it.

Genuine question. Do you think older people don’t ‘believe’ because there were less people with autism fifty years ago or because people with autism were hidden away and thus the general public weren’t exposed?

These are the same people who tell me this or that will cure my chronic illness/just exercise/its not a real illness. Some people can't be educated

My brother has Autism and back in the 70's and 80's when he was a kid my Mum actually had less half witted advice directed her way than she does now!
Now everyone thinks they know all about Autism because they saw Rainman and a documentary about how GCHQ like to employ people with Aspergers because they are so clever.

Wow those are some shocking comments that have been made op, I would struggle not to poke them in the eye if someone said those things to me tbh. My dd is high functioning and hasn't had any comments as severe as those, mostly people just undermine that fact she is autistic with little comments because she is otherwise "normal". They still irk me, the worst she had is when I overheard a child call her a mongo to his friend. The rage I felt was something else and I was more angry I didn't call them out.

@Dishwashersaurous

Genuine question. Do you think older people don’t ‘believe’ because there were less people with autism fifty years ago or because people with autism were hidden away and thus the general public weren’t exposed?

The latter where people with complex needs are concerned. For people with HFA I reckon a lot were just seen as "odd" and subjected to harsh discipline in order to "fit in".

TBH my life was instantly easier with other people when I dropped the word Autism and just used severe learning difficulties. It gives the other person more information and stops the even if meant well anecdotes.

I get sick of people talking about the likes of Chris Packham and Anne Heggerty as if that is something attainable for all people with autism. It’s wonderful they have been successful in life but feeding the narrative of “if they can anyone can” really isn’t helpful.

One of the best I have had is “leave him with me for a few days and I will get him eating” - this is a child with food issues so bad that he is tube fed but apparently someone with no knowledge of training can do what no professionals could!

My autistic son is fully verbal but has learning difficulties. I’ve had all the above and it’s shit but I have developed a thick skin.

Also

Everyone is on the autistic spectrum so where...arghhhh NO THEY ARE NOT.

My son used to do that and grew out of it.

You’ve become obsessed by autism (said by a HV colleague). Gee I wonder why that would be...perhaps because my gorgeous son has just been diagnosed and I’m feeling shellshocked.
Typically the HV colleague has a perfect child with no issues.

Get him to join some clubs which will help him socialise. Yeah because he is just dying to get out and socialise and I love the meltdowns which occur when he has to do stuff like this.

There’s still a great deal of misunderstanding out there sadly.

My boy was conceived using IVF and I was asked "do you think they damaged him a bit in the freezer" I was also told it was my fault that he was badly behaved because I was an older neurotic Mum!
I've been told that a good smack and let him starve till he eats 'mixed' foods
Somebody suggested that I was encouraging him to be Autistic so I could claim for him ( I don't claim for him through choice)
The worst for me personally is when I get asked why I 'let' him be Autistic .... why oh why ???

@Enchantmentz
Christ. Appalling. If my child called another child a "mongo" and I found out about it they would never fucking dare do it again.

Omg at some of these comments,I'm appalled. @pinkyboots1 @Enchantmentz

It's the same with invisible illness
Oh you look so pretty, oh you have a lovely house
Doesn't take the fact away i feel like shit every day.
I know it's not the same as autism, but I wanted to reassure you most people are clueless and arrogant about things they don't understand x

My two (DS and DD) both have what is known as HFA ( there's a fabulous Kiwi comedian whose name escapes me that points out the inaccuracy of HFA because it implies she functions highly and she really doesn't)
I am an older mum so that is often given as a 'reason' (Yes, let's ignore the fact that my husband is an Aspie, my Dad is an Aspie, my husbands family ALL have issues and I am sooooo far from NT it is untrue, my being over 35 when I had DS is ABSOLUTELY the reason)
DS just needs to know that no means no (Umpty million HV comments when I was on my knees with him)
DD is just attention seeking (when she's under a table, frozen with anxiety)
They'll soon eat 'normal food' if they're hungry
Oh yes, mine do that too
We're all on the spectrum somewhere (Oh no we are fricking NOT!)
Just make her wear them (shoes and socks)

I also get the patronising head tilt if my kids do well at something - DD dances and when she danced in her school assembly I had parents coming to me with the head tilt to tell me she's 'done everso well'... it's hard to describe but it's different to them saying that she's danced nicley - there's an unspoken end to the sentence that is linked to her ASC
DS is astoundingly academic and his writing is fabulous and if people see his results or read some of his stuff again there's the head tilty condecension.

My favourite is always "Really? they don't look it!" when someone finds out DS or DD are autistic.

(My children have expressed a desire to be known as autistic - they dislike 'person first' as they feel it makes their ASC seem like a disease. I appreciate other people don't feel this way but I am respecting their wishes)

Yes, so depressing. Had lots of the same patronising comments.
Take control back, show her who is boss. Do you not give consequences. She'd eat if she lived in my house. Blah blah blah. People don't have a clue for the most part, had so much ignorance over the years from not only other parents but doctors and teachers!
I think to fully "get" autism you have to have lived it. Dd is what would be classed as higher functioning and I have family member who is non verbal with severe learning difficulties.

Really interesting reading these comments. It's like autism bingo because I'm sure most of us have heard at least some of the phrases used here.
I have a friend who's husband likes to tell me on a regular basis that there's nothing wrong with my DD.
He's right in that there is nothing wrong but it's meant in that he doesn't believe she has autism which believe me when you live with her is very obvious. Another comment that he likes to make is 'she looks so normal'. I'm always too polite to say but I always wonder if he'd like me to make a sign or something so the world knows that she's autistic

"it's amazing what medicine can do these days".... from a lifetime friend who works in medical research (like finding a cure for cancer).

It's a dreadful comparison but my elderly parents took on a rescue dog with epilepsy. Their apparently sane neighbour decided that the dog needed to be fed iron filings, metal filings and this would sort out a magnetic imbalance in his brain. Vets were wrong, he was right and my parents were being cruel. We became concerned that he would actually feed it to the dog he was so convinced.
Some people have these stupid theories and you won't change them.

It doesn’t exist or there’s nothing wrong with them (DH and DD - ADHD and ASD). DD does appear NT but quirky so it’s less of an issue. The in laws are the worst. It would be hard to keep quiet if dealing with your list. I guess cancer is similar in unwanted suggestions but without the parental judgments.

The most annoying is dietary suggestions but I haven’t even bothered looking, I just nod along.

But he looks so normal,cute,handsome

This one i get alot

It’s the “I don’t know how you do it, I couldn’t” comment that always gets me. I’m not sure what other choice they think there is!

Some of these are heartbreaking. I really hoped things had moved on but they clearly haven't. I used to teach a girl with Downs syndrome and she managed in mainstream exceptionally well. I went on a course on teaching children with Downs syndrome and the lady running it (I forget who she was but she was part of a huge charity, she was the expert on the development of children with Downs. She stated, very factually, that children with Downs do not learn to read using phonics but whole word recognition. I mentioned that the girl in my class had in fact learnt to read using phonics. Rather than be interested or think she might like to look into this she said I was lying. Not mistaken or something else, I was actually lying. Children with Downs syndrome DO NOT learn to read using phonics.