The advice and reasons people have gave for my sons' Autism

[Itsfunny]

I posted this on another thread but thought I'd share it here again to start a new discussion as I feel there is so much ignorance when it comes to Autism.i see and hear it constantly and experience it almost every time I have my son in public.

The 'helpful'things that people,family and strangers and care givers have said to me over the years
oh but autistic kids are geniuses really
He just needs to be told no and shown who's in charge
Hes just spoilt
Hes just badly behaved
Autism isn't real,hes just naughty
It's your fault because you were depressed when pregnant with him,bad hormones gave him Autism
I know someone who has autism who's a doctor now
I know someone who has Autism who couldn't speak but now is a millionaire
Have you tried putting him to sleep earlier?
Isn't there a place you could put him in like a hospital?
Have you tried feeding him xyz, so and sos child got better eating that
He will outgrow it
Hit him when he tries to scratch you so he wont do it
Lock him in a room and leave him to calm down
Did your scan not tell you he was this bad?
Its because you were in your 30s when you had him
Its because you did something in your bad life and this is your punishment
Some people are just meant to suffer
Have you asked the doctors if they can shock therapy his brain into working?
Dont know how you do it,I couldn't.
Autism is just an excuse for bad behaviour
You need to be firmer with him

These are some of the wonderful bits of advice from a range of people, might surprise you that majority of these people are classed as well educated.

My reality is a severely autistic child who has learning disabilities and has no comprehension or understanding of language, so he cant follow an instruction and isn't being obtuse or naughty.my reason for this thread is so people who dont know come to realise this.

@RonObvious That is a pet hate favourite of mine regarding the "I couldn't do it" brigade.

I know that most people are trying to be kind when they say this in their struggle to find something to say.

Having said that I now call them out on it and tell them I can hardly shove him back up up into my womb or "give him back" can I?

My DD has Down Syndrome and I’ve had some horrific comments. Basically asking why I didn’t abort her. The main issue is ignorance. They don’t understand the condition so they say something they think is helpful but in reality it’s just really bloody rude!

People don't know what to say and say stuff that sounds helpful to them and condescending/ignorant to you.
Most people are just trying to get through.
Most people don't mean to cause offence.

This is not normal, don’t let it put you off having another child - said by a HV on the 2yr check

All you talk about is autism and I don’t feel I can share my children’s successes with you because it’s like I’m rubbing your nose in it - said by my shit sister, we were NC after that

He’s just so weird with a disgusted facial expression - said by my toxic sister in law. I am NC with her. (D)h initially sided with his sister but not realises she is a toxic fucker. Unfortunately for him it plays a significant part in why I want a divorce.

They’re just trying to make money and give themselves a job - said by my mother following ds diagnosis about the highly qualified doctor who did his assessment.

Normal kids find that hard Mrs Frizzcat - said by school SENCo

God only gives these kids to people who can handle them - school gate mum

What’s actually wrong with him - school gate mum

Do you actually talk to him? - said by speech and language therapist

It sounds like you are actually looking for a cure - said by OT when I was arguing that he needed sensory support to help ds feel calmer

As you say @LEELULUMKIN I think people are trying to be kind when they say they couldn't do it but it ,s very crass ,I love my son to pieces I'm not just going to abandon him because he's severely disabled and I'm sure most parents feel the same.

DS1 was born 4 months prematurely so we’ve had a rather rocky journey from before he was born. He has autism and many many additional extras. We’ve had so many profoundly stupid comments over the years and actually most of them have been geared to his extreme prematurity rather than his autism (a personal favourite being “oh good, so you missed all the sleepless nights then”!).

On MN someone once told me I was “talking shit” about his autism. Thanks for that - I do know what I’m talking about when I’m referring specifically to my son’s autism and no-one else’s, but thanks for your highly qualified and informed input.

The most fabulously stupid comment about his autism though was someone once who looked at him and then fixed me with a stony stare and said “got him the MMR, did you?” Yes, I said, I did. “That’ll be the reason then.”

Prior to my sons diagnosis, my fil (who I do actually have an excellent relationship with) told me and dh that we "had to get a grip of the situation" .

Erm, what do you think we've been doing for the last 10 years?? If its that straightforward, you get a fuckin grip of it.

OP I spend my days teaching children like your son I often get those scrunched up nose looks and comments such as
“You must have so much patience”
“I couldn’t do it”
“You should get danger money”
“What do you actually teach them”
“But they don’t speak and are still in nappies?”

I have some understanding as at 3pm I am exhausted and ready to have a break parents don’t get to do that (something which is very wrong IMHO) despite all the hard work I love my job and often say the children teach me more than I teach them.

From MIL. He’s probably just tired. Why do you want to get him diagnosed? Well if he can cope at school he can cope at home. Sigh.

I think for me the worst judgement came when he was quite small, when the meltdowns were frequent, when he was bolting, when he refused to comply with any request, when as a toddler he knew he could lie on the floor and i would not be able to pick him up.

Yes, let's have a sticker chart and a parenting course.

Everything is about a fucking sticker chart. I remember saying to DH when I trying to get help for DS, If anyone suggests a sticker chart I will not be responsible for my actions.

I have a child with autism and severe learning difficulties who attends a special school. I can identify with so many of these comments. My personal favourite is:-

"have you discovered what his special talent is yet?"

Yes - making a mess and breaking things!!!

Just made me feel a little bit sick when you mentioned about the being depressed while pregnant.

My son is nearly 3 and is looking like he may have ASD.
A little while ago a came across an article by chance which was about new research indicating maternal depression while pregnant could cause autism. I cried my eyes out and hated myself as yes I was horribly depressed while pregnant.
It was an article I wish I had never seen.

Yep I've had all of these too

The best is when he will start school he will come on leaps and bounds and be a different child - as if we are holding him back or something and being in school will completely change him.

Sorry if my post offended. Im a person who does know so offence was certainly not intended. I'm in a similar position and although people can say shit things sometimes, its usually just people putting their foot in their mouth isn't it? It's hard to imagine being continually bombarded with blatant insults as you describe. Like who said you were to blame for being depressed in pregnancy or for being bad in a former life? I just can't imagine such things being dropped into conversation at the school gate. I'm wondering then if these are all actual things said by real people or if they are some things said to you, some things you've heard of being said to others - I've read things similar to your post on Facebook etc. over the years.

I don't think I've ever been deleted before!

Everything I have posted has been said to me.
I don’t post other peoples stories or hearsay.

There was a thread on AIBU yesterday about a bride wanting to seat a family of four with a severely autistic on a table with four strangers instead of with their extended family who would have been able to provide support. The mother explained that they needed the support of extended family and asked the bride if she would agree. Bride initially refused but then, rather ungraciously, agreed. Some of the responses on that thread were very depressing and showed how some people lack any kind of empathy or understanding of autism.

Our DD is high functioning my favourites are:

• she makes eye contact (it's called masking).
• she's very social (yes that will be humans you know social creatures).
• of course she'll be super intelligent (no she's sadly not).
• But you can't tell (again see masking and you can tell if you know what to look for)

-finally my favourite we are all on the spectrum (no we fucking aren't... actually that should be my response next time).

I'm sure most parents of children with additional needs feel your pain OP 💐

@Petitmum

There was a thread on AIBU yesterday about a bride wanting to seat a family of four with a severely autistic on a table with four strangers instead of with their extended family who would have been able to provide support. The mother explained that they needed the support of extended family and asked the bride if she would agree. Bride initially refused but then, rather ungraciously, agreed. Some of the responses on that thread were very depressing and showed how some people lack any kind of empathy or understanding of autism.

And the stupidity in that thread has continued today, unfortunately. Children with autism just need challenging, apparently!

Children with autism just need challenging? I'd like to see someone trying that with DS !!!!!! Must be where I have been going wrong all these years FFS !!!!

Yeah everybody's an expert ,I saw a Facebook thread once discussing Anne Heggarty ,and somebody said Autism definitely was,nt a disability as everyone ,s so clever with 🙄

Apparently I was extremely wrong to get my boy diagnosed... he will forever live with a label and will always be discriminated because of it. It would be far kinder to let people think he was weird/odd and dumb 😱.

He is high functioning ASD and has communication and processing delays. 😔

Oh and he was 6 at diagnosis and is now 17.

'He'll grow out of it'.

Mostly older relatives

Erm no he won't