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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil

80 replies

Spied · 05/09/2020 11:18

Mil knows in trying to be as careful as possible re: Covid and social distancing etc.
Yesterday she asked if my DC could go for the day. I said yes, that would be lovely for them(and I could get on with decorating the kitchen).
Today, I drive around to Mil's with my two excited DC to find she's invited the other grandkids too! So 3 households. No social distancing or being careful whatsoever.
Now MIL knows that I'd not be happy with this as she's previously asked for them all to meet up at her house and I've said that they can't as I'm not comfortable with it ( was only two weeks ago when we had the conversation).
DC are excited and I'm unable to load them back in the car as then I'd be the one spoiling the fun and my DC would resent me for it. DC are pre-teen.
I'm ashamed to say I left them and drove off absolutely fuming.
AIBU-she has done this on purpose as she knows I'd feel I had to leave my DC there?
Duped me?
Or was she hoping I'd actually take my disappointed DC back home and bear the brunt of their disappointment so I looked like the 'bad one'.?(She likes to cause trouble).

OP posts:
aprilanne · 05/09/2020 11:22

Truthfully you need to get a grip more than two households can meet up inside .so not a legal problem and if your kids back at school they are mixing with other children anyway sorry but we cant live like this for ever

Caselgarcia · 05/09/2020 11:24

Sounds like she was trying to do something nice.

Jagoda · 05/09/2020 11:28

I think YABU as I would have put kids back in the car and driven home.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/09/2020 11:29

Sounds like your kids are going to have a great time and you'll get on with your kitchen, all with very very minimal risk at all.

The car journey to her house was far more risky than meeting up and playing with their cousins.

TheSmallAssassin · 05/09/2020 11:30

@aprilanne it's still only two households in England.

janetmendoza · 05/09/2020 11:30

April pretty sure only two households can meet inside!

NewIdeasToday · 05/09/2020 11:32

They will be mixing with other kids at school. I really can’t see the problem with this.

TheHappyHerbivore · 05/09/2020 11:32

Gran does nice things for cousins in environment which is significantly less risky than them attending school. I couldn’t get worked up about it.

weltenbummler · 05/09/2020 11:36

If your MIL knew that you would not be comfortable with her plan but went through with it anyway without discussing with you first YANBU as she is manipulative

Original poster
Spied · 05/09/2020 11:41

I get that they're mixing with other children at school.
Other grandkids go to a different school.
Other grandkids also have parents who don't take coronavirus seriously and are irresponsible.
Surely we should be being more careful now that children are back at school and taking more precautions at home.
@Jagoda- I'm so angry at myself that I didn't get them back in the car.
I need to be more assertive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spied · 05/09/2020 11:43

@weltenbummler
She knew. I'd told her I wasn't happy with them mixing at her home a couple of weeks ago when she suggested it.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 05/09/2020 11:44

Yes I agree. You can fume she tried to manipulate the situation but it was entirely your choice to leave them there rather than just go home. If I felt that strongly I would have no issue with being the bad guy.

aprilanne · 05/09/2020 11:45

Sorry I stand corrected on the two household things but the fact that everything else basically open its madness you could all meet in Starbucks but not at home all the nations ministers need to get a grip I did what I was told religiously but after dominic Cummings and our health advisor lost all respect for politicians

Odile13 · 05/09/2020 11:56

I agree OP. She should have told you the other GC would be there. She didn’t give you a chance to make a decision about whether you were happy with that ahead of time.

TheSmallAssassin · 05/09/2020 11:58

I just don't understand that argument, April, because the government has handled it badly, we should all just think "Fuck it! I'll do whatever I want"? Surely we should be using our own heads more, not less because of that?

Kids have to get back to school, we need to take that risk, but we should be taking more care everywhere else to enable us to keep schools open, not saying "well, they're mixing at school, they might as well mix everywhere".

Chloemol · 05/09/2020 11:58

@aprilanne

Yes they could all meet in Starbucks, but SD provisions would be in place and only two households can sit together etc etc

And in this case I doubt the op would agree to go on the first place to Starbucks

Coffeecak3 · 05/09/2020 12:04

Op if you thought your dc were at real risk you wouldn't have left them. No parent puts their dc in harms way.
So just accept, move on and next time ask who's going to be there.

aprilanne · 05/09/2020 12:05

Yes I was just using Starbucks as example .just to say its madness some of the rules dont make sense .and I have lost respect for politicians but dont just go f it
I still go nowhere without my mask .but after looking after my sick father who was shielding it just makes you angry and fed up .

WingingIt101 · 05/09/2020 12:07

I think OP is not unreasonable to still be cautious - personally I would be ok with my children mixing with other children especially from our own family as I trust them all with their own hand washing and measures they are taking to stay safe, whilst returning to some normality.

I can see your perspective that she knew 2 weeks ago you were not comfortable mixing so many households and so it does feel she’s deliberately gone against your wishes which would make me cross too.
Can you speak to her when you feel calm and say something like “thank you for having the children on Friday, they loved seeing you. We had spoken previously about not mixing with Sophie and Jonny so I was surprised to see them when we arrived. Next time please let me know if other households will be there as we will have to decline, or sadly disappoint the children once they arrive and cannot stay.”

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 05/09/2020 12:08

I dont think you're being unreasonable.

You're following guidelines. Coronavirus cases are rapidly rising because people aren't bothering to follow the rules.

In not telling you and giving you the opportunity to decline, when knowing this was not something you wanted to do, the only outcomes were pissing you off or pissing your children off. So either way people were going to be upset because of her sneaky actions.

I don't think grandparents should ever deliberately do something they know parents have a strong opinion about

SmellsLikeFeet · 05/09/2020 12:10

What would annoy me is knowing how I felt and not telling me what she had planned so I could make a decision
It's disrespectful and deceitful, regardless of how many families can get together
They are your children , you get to decide

AfolMummy · 05/09/2020 12:12

My DSis MIL kept insisting on doing this and she even had the great gran come round (who had just come back from holiday) whilst the grandkids were there (So 5 households). The great gran tested positive soon after and now all the grandchildren and their parents are getting tested/ isolating. I think some grandparents feel it should be up to them to take the risk 🙈.

Original poster
Spied · 05/09/2020 12:16

I've just received a text.
" Spied, (the DC) have asked if they can have a sleepover here tonight. I've said that fine with me. (Sil) said it's fine with her. Ok with you? Could you drop pjs?"
I. Kid. You. Not.
Angry

OP posts:
MyOwnSummer · 05/09/2020 12:37

Its not really about covid is it? Its about your parental decisions being ignored or undermined.

Fuck that noise.

Either assert yourself, or live with it.

Motoko · 05/09/2020 12:39

"No sorry, we have other plans. I'll pick them up at 5."