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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil

80 replies

Spied · 05/09/2020 11:18

Mil knows in trying to be as careful as possible re: Covid and social distancing etc.
Yesterday she asked if my DC could go for the day. I said yes, that would be lovely for them(and I could get on with decorating the kitchen).
Today, I drive around to Mil's with my two excited DC to find she's invited the other grandkids too! So 3 households. No social distancing or being careful whatsoever.
Now MIL knows that I'd not be happy with this as she's previously asked for them all to meet up at her house and I've said that they can't as I'm not comfortable with it ( was only two weeks ago when we had the conversation).
DC are excited and I'm unable to load them back in the car as then I'd be the one spoiling the fun and my DC would resent me for it. DC are pre-teen.
I'm ashamed to say I left them and drove off absolutely fuming.
AIBU-she has done this on purpose as she knows I'd feel I had to leave my DC there?
Duped me?
Or was she hoping I'd actually take my disappointed DC back home and bear the brunt of their disappointment so I looked like the 'bad one'.?(She likes to cause trouble).

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 05/09/2020 12:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Next time you know to ask because she puts her wants ahead of your right to parent your children. Never appropriate when what you are doing is sensible.

MillyMollyFarmer · 05/09/2020 12:43

It seems more about your parental decision, which is fair enough IMO and your MIL shouldn’t have done it like this. I think you’re being overkill about Covid, but it’s your choice to do so. My daughters gone to stay with a friend in another town and I’m fine with that. Children are not at huge risk and they’re all at school now. I think people need some perspective here and also realise that there are many things children are at risk from, its time to start a few normalities so they can enjoy themselves again.

MintyMabel · 05/09/2020 12:43

Sounds like she was trying to do something nice.

By doing something she knew OP wasn’t happy with?

Hailtomyteeth · 05/09/2020 12:45

No sleepovers until there's a vaccine. Pleasant but firm, 'I'll pick mine up at 5'. You've done what you thought was best at the time, didn't disappoint them, but bring them home as soon as you can. You're a great mum and your mil is being a tit.

InescapableDeath · 05/09/2020 12:47

I get it, even if they're mixing at school that's still a sort of giant bubble. If you mix with families at other schools, you're basically mixing with the entire school, too.

And now she wants them to sleep over, increasing whatever risk there is (even if it is small).

I wouldn't let them sleep over.

MillyMollyFarmer · 05/09/2020 12:48

No sleepovers until there's a vaccine. Oh for goodness sake. This won’t even be added to childhood vaccines! They’ve already said, as it isn’t a risk for under 30’s. There’s no reason for children to have it. Save it for those that need it.

Original poster
Spied · 05/09/2020 12:55

Well, I've called MIL.
I've explained I find her manipulative and I'm collecting my DC in one hour whether they're happy about it or not.
The evil bitch sounds delighted that I've managed to ruin the DC's day.
I just know this was her plan.
Pretty sure she loves to drive a wedge between my DC and I.

Any advice on how to handle the awkward kids and gloating mil when I arrive?

OP posts:
MuddlingMackem · 05/09/2020 12:57

aprilanne Sat 05-Sep-20 11:45:38
Sorry I stand corrected on the two household things but the fact that everything else basically open its madness you could all meet in Starbucks but not at home all the nations ministers need to get a grip I did what I was told religiously but after dominic Cummings and our health advisor lost all respect for politicians

But in order to keep everything open we need to continue with social distancing where possible, masks where appropriate and avoid mixing with more than one household indoors. Cases will start rising exponentially if we don't. And just because hospitalisation and deaths aren't worryingly high doesn't mean it's not still a problem. There is still so much scientists don't know about Covid and, although treatment regimes have improved immensely, there are still too many people suffering long-term health issues after contracting Covid.

Oh, and I too have lost respect for politicians, but I'm not basing my behaviour on how they behave, but on what is best for us as a country.

ivfbeenbusy · 05/09/2020 13:09

Would you have reacted the same way if this was your mother not your MIL??

YABU and a bit of a covid martyr if I'm
Honest - kids are mixing with hundreds of other households at school now 🤷‍♀️

RoseTintedAtuin · 05/09/2020 13:10

Regardless of the situation or circumstances you made your boundaries clear and she has been u Seth and in undermining you and your boundaries. She’s completely out of line. She doesn’t have to agree with you neither does anyone else, but as their mother they have to respect your wishes. Sorry you’re in this position. I would explain to children what has happened that you are u comfortable with it and that a sleepover like that is not currently allowed By the government and so you couldn’t allow it. Be as truthful as you can without bad mouthing MIL but without condoning her behaviour.

StandWithYou · 05/09/2020 13:11

You haven’t ruined it - she has.

Plan something really exciting for this afternoon so they have something to look forward to (easier said than done I know).

jollygoose · 05/09/2020 13:13

personally I think you are not very nice. You sound delighted to have something to be snippy about with your mil.

vanillandhoney · 05/09/2020 13:15

@Spied

Well, I've called MIL. I've explained I find her manipulative and I'm collecting my DC in one hour whether they're happy about it or not. The evil bitch sounds delighted that I've managed to ruin the DC's day. I just know this was her plan. Pretty sure she loves to drive a wedge between my DC and I.

Any advice on how to handle the awkward kids and gloating mil when I arrive?

You're being ridiculous.

If it was that dangerous, you wouldn't have left them there in the first place, would you? Hmm

Original poster
Spied · 05/09/2020 13:17

@ivfbeenbusy
Despite our differences my mother actually respects me as a parent and the choices I make and would never pull this stunt.

OP posts:
MillyMollyFarmer · 05/09/2020 13:19

I think it’s your right to set boundaries but you do sound quite difficult and looking for something bigger than there is. Relax. This isn’t a life threatening thing. It’s a bit disrespectful and maybe a calm chat about it at some point. But letting it turn into a ‘stunt’ and a big deal only robs you of energy better spent enjoying life. This is a bit annoying but let it go as soon as you can and don’t give it too much oxygen.

Original poster
Spied · 05/09/2020 13:25

@vanillandhoney
I shouldn't have left them - no.
I'm equally annoyed at myself for being a complete wuss and not wanting to upset my DC.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 05/09/2020 13:31

Take the kids home via the supermarket for popcorn, ice cream etc and tell them it's movie night and what do they want to watch.

And don't trust your MiL again - let DH deal with her and facilitate any relationship, but not at the expense of your health and your boundaries

dontdisturbmenow · 05/09/2020 13:38

The car journey to her house was far more risky than meeting up and playing with their cousins
Exactly that. Yet you didn't get to the car worrying about an accident. Relax and be happy they are having a great time.

Thehop · 05/09/2020 13:43

If they’re already there what difference does them staying there make?

ArnoJambonsBike · 05/09/2020 13:51

@thehop - the difference is that the conniving old bitch has lied and completely undermined the OP - who, lest we forget, is the actual parent.

@Spied - just don't contact her for the foreseeable. She's tried to cock her leg against your kids to mark her territory so let her enjoy this last hour as it would be the last time she would get with my kids for a good long while.

She's got less boundaries than Australia in the last six overs last night. Show her some.

Squiffany · 05/09/2020 14:02

There was no need for the personal comments to your MIL OP. You could have just text the previous posters message and then picked them up.

Itsrainingnotmen · 05/09/2020 14:07

This is the time you throw ££ at the situation.. Dc get pizza and a film night. Sweets and pop.
You need to take back control.
Pre teens /teens will see this as you being The Hero not the Baddie.
Out - do mil..

EarlGreywithLemon · 05/09/2020 14:12

This won’t even be added to childhood vaccines! They’ve already said, as it isn’t a risk for under 30’s.

Not true. The Oxford vaccine is already being tested on 5-12 year olds.

SoloMummy · 05/09/2020 14:22

@Spied

I get that they're mixing with other children at school. Other grandkids go to a different school. Other grandkids also have parents who don't take coronavirus seriously and are irresponsible. Surely we should be being more careful now that children are back at school and taking more precautions at home. *@Jagoda*- I'm so angry at myself that I didn't get them back in the car. I need to be more assertive.
If you'd said you'd been shielding and the children weren't back at school I'd say yanbu. But they're secondary school age and mixing with hundreds of families, plus their households plus who they're members mingle with and on and on. So yes yabu. And you have more of an issue with mil and imo are choosing to o behave like this knowing that it will cause unnecessary upset.

You left them there and so are imo being a hypocrite and should have not done this if so concerned.

winterisstillcoming · 05/09/2020 14:23

I think you need to make it clear to the DC that it's their grandmother who has upset them.

Just be honest - she tried to manipulate you and you said no. Otherwise I'm the fiitire the kids will try it. 'I'm at so and so's and their mum has said it's ok to sleepover etc.

If they sulk, say next time they're not even going for the day. Soon theyll be old enough to want to meet with their cousins independently, and do encourage that. Otherwise the MIL will try and take control of the cousins' relationship too.

You could consider offering the cousins to sleepover at yours and cut her off from the situation.