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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil

80 replies

Spied · 05/09/2020 11:18

Mil knows in trying to be as careful as possible re: Covid and social distancing etc.
Yesterday she asked if my DC could go for the day. I said yes, that would be lovely for them(and I could get on with decorating the kitchen).
Today, I drive around to Mil's with my two excited DC to find she's invited the other grandkids too! So 3 households. No social distancing or being careful whatsoever.
Now MIL knows that I'd not be happy with this as she's previously asked for them all to meet up at her house and I've said that they can't as I'm not comfortable with it ( was only two weeks ago when we had the conversation).
DC are excited and I'm unable to load them back in the car as then I'd be the one spoiling the fun and my DC would resent me for it. DC are pre-teen.
I'm ashamed to say I left them and drove off absolutely fuming.
AIBU-she has done this on purpose as she knows I'd feel I had to leave my DC there?
Duped me?
Or was she hoping I'd actually take my disappointed DC back home and bear the brunt of their disappointment so I looked like the 'bad one'.?(She likes to cause trouble).

OP posts:
ErinBrockovich · 05/09/2020 14:23

@Jagoda

I think YABU as I would have put kids back in the car and driven home.
Same here. I haven’t been following the guidance for months and months for someone else to ‘trick’ me into a situation I’m not comfortable. You say she has form for this. Your children are old enough to understand your reasons for leaving. I might feel slightly differently if you had a smaller child who couldn’t understand why cousins were there and they weren’t.

Sounds like she planned it given your previous conversation about it.

Jagoda · 05/09/2020 14:27

I think that is a wise decision OP.

It's irrelevant what the issue is, it's about not allowing MIL to get away with deceitful and manipulative behaviour.

I agree with PP - I would contact BIL/SIL and arrange a meet up for the cousins at yours, excluding MIL until she was proven she can be trusted.

OverTheRainbow88 · 05/09/2020 14:46

It’s shite that she did it on the sly and left you in a loose loose situation really.

But; I do think the benefits of seeing cousins and gran outweighs the risks of coivd- unless medically vulnerable

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/09/2020 14:49

I would be fuming. Fortunately for me my MIL is lovely and would never pull a stunt like this! Good luck at the pickup.

P.S. what does your DH say?

Motoko · 05/09/2020 15:38

But; I do think the benefits of seeing cousins and gran outweighs the risks of coivd- unless medically vulnerable

I'm not sure that spending time with a manipulative grandparent is a benefit at all. Covid or no covid.

FOJN · 05/09/2020 15:41

It really doesn't matter how the rest of the world is managing their own Covid risks or what other people think of your approach; your mil knew your views and made plans which disregarded them and failed to give you all the information needed for you to make an infirmed decision.

I just don't have the time or energy to indulge people who are incapable of respecting different options or cannot cope with not getting their own way.
It may sound extreme but I would be limiting her contact with my children if I were in your shoes. Not because of Covid but because manipulative people are exhausting and I don't think they help children to understand healthy boundaries.

Perro · 05/09/2020 15:44

Well done for standing up to her and calling her out.
If I were you I would now collect the dc and do something amazing and fun with them. Make sure you tell them of your plans as you collect them so that they are squealing with excitement and can’t wait to get in the car without a backwards glance! In other words, play the manipulative woman at her own game.
Shame you’ll all be too busy next time she invites them over Grin

kittenpeak · 05/09/2020 16:19

I agree it's cheeky of her, because she knew you were already uncomfortable.

However, because she isn't very Covid conscious, that would be enough for me not to bring the children around in the first place (even if it was just them) because you know she probably isn't SD at any other time.

Original poster
Spied · 05/09/2020 18:16

Thanks everyone.
DH doesn't get involved in any aspect of family life tbh. He's present in body. That's about it. Yes, I'm annoyed he doesn't support me but I've had 15 years of putting up with it and I'm pretty used to it. Or should I say, desensitised.
To the pp who assumed my DC were at secondary school and mixing with hundreds of kids- they're 9&10 (to me they're pre-teen as they certainly act it!). They are in a school of 180 and 30ish pupils per year group.

Well, when I went to collect DC they were looking out of the window waiting for me.
Mil was apparently busy upstairs so I didn't actually see her. No reply when I shouted up that the DC were leaving.
DC were a little quiet and it was obvious mil had been trying to play the victim as DD told me Gran had been upset and cuddling her saying she loved her.
So, after a chat about how what I say goes as I'm their parent and have their best interests at heart always, we went to Asda, bought magazines and sweets and are going to chill and play Cluedo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spied · 05/09/2020 18:17

We won't hear from her for a couple of weeks.
When she does call, we'll be busy.

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 05/09/2020 19:48

Isn’t there more risk taking kids to Asda than their grands house with 2 cousins?

BigBlondeBimbo · 05/09/2020 19:53

I think you did the right thing op!

No, taking them to Asda is not riskier at all.

Household visits seem to be one of the riskiest activities. This would be why they are the first thing to be banned when local lockdowns happen.

It is indeed only two households and yes, she does sound like a manipulative bitch. And I adore my wonderful mil who is hands down one of the best people I know, so no anti mil projecting here.

OP, have a fab night! Cluedo, sweets, magazines? Sounds great.

Original poster
Spied · 05/09/2020 20:03

No @OverTheRainbow88

10 mins in Asda is not riskier than being in a small terraced house with 2 other households for hours on end (or overnight if mil had her way), sharing toilet facilities and eating there, sharing toys/consoles and having a manipulative grandmother 'cuddling' you.

OP posts:
84claire84 · 05/09/2020 20:03

She should of told you that they were attending too so you could make that decision however I don't think you can kick off too much if you have sent your children back to school

Original poster
Spied · 05/09/2020 20:05

Thanks @BigBlondeBimbo
You're very lucky.

OP posts:
BigBlondeBimbo · 05/09/2020 20:10

@Spied

Thanks *@BigBlondeBimbo* You're very lucky.
I am! My sil is horrible though, so, swings and roundabouts Grin.
madroid · 05/09/2020 20:16

Well if the afternoon does transmit covid to any of the participants it's the MIL who is surely most at risk?

Does all seem quite an overreaction though OP when 1 million uni students plus another almost 1 million school children are about to mingle and interact. I don't think I'd be worried about playing with family much now. (Altho I wouldn't agree to a sleepover).

ISpeakBecauseICan · 05/09/2020 21:44

I totally get your frustration OP. She duped you and put you in an awkward position with your children. That’s exactly the kind of crap my MIL likes to pull Angry

Has she behaved this way before? I guess next time she tries to arrange something you should ask plenty of questions to make sure there aren’t any surprises.

Itsrainingnotmen · 05/09/2020 22:02

Risk /no risk she was fucking sly... That's what is unacceptable..

TheSmallAssassin · 06/09/2020 00:31

@madroid, you're not getting it. There are some things that we have to get on and do, like educating people, so we have to take on some risk. We need to be more careful, not less, in other areas, for things that are not essential to balance that out.

ineedaholidaynow · 06/09/2020 00:40

If we want schools to stay open we need to try reducing mixing households especially when the children go to other schools so are not in the same bubbles. Mixing households is what is currently driving rates up in some areas.

LizB62A · 06/09/2020 00:50

You've let her get away with it though....

Laserbird16 · 06/09/2020 01:54

I think you're justified in just saying no to anymore of MIL's invitations from now on.

Honestly, Covid or no you can't trust her. She knew you weren't comfortable with what she was proposing, she was economical with the truth so she could get what she wanted, tried to push your boundaries even further, and then used your children to maximise her point scoring.

You say family stuff is left to you and your husband leaves it all to you. Fine. No more visits. I wouldn't engage in trying to tell her any home truths. People like this don't have epiphanies and thank you, it just feeds their behaviour.

You are the parent, your concern is keeping your children safe and healthy.

Paddyclova · 06/09/2020 02:01

So confusing. In Scotland it’s 3 households. I’m not sure there is much difference once they’ve already been there all afternoon to sleeping there. You’re annoyed fair enough, but it’s OTT.

HermioneMakepeace · 06/09/2020 02:15

The point is that the OP said “No” to this only two weeks ago. The MIL is clearly undermining her.

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