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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to clear my name?

87 replies

idontthinkicare · 05/09/2020 09:10

If someone was telling very serious lies about you but they had been proven to be malicious and no action was taken.
People believed them still ..would you try and make those people see that the other person is a liar?

OP posts:
idontthinkicare · 05/09/2020 11:33

This girl must have hated me so much to do that.

OP posts:
Bargebill19 · 05/09/2020 11:33

In your situation, it’ll only make things worse. Walk away from the lot of them and grieve for yourself mum in peace. Then build a new life with new friends and interests.
Friends who are willing to believe such lies are not friends not ever will be.

Billben · 05/09/2020 11:34

They don't know it's been investigated and they keep dropping sly comments about people going to jail for fraud.

Why on earth do you not put them straight when they do this? I wouldn’t be able to hold my tongue.

idontthinkicare · 05/09/2020 11:35

@Billben my other friends said don't let them have the satisfaction of knowing you were investigated as they will love it ..but I think I need to put them straight so they know she's a liar.

OP posts:
dollypartonscoat · 05/09/2020 11:37

Hmm. Sounds like you don't actually know whether they've heard anything about you.

I'd ask them outright, in a group message so nothing can be twisted or misunderstood.

Hi, over the past few weeks I've noticed you all mention fraud, stealing money etc and feel that you are referring to something I went through in feb. Let me put you straight - X owed me £100 and wouldn't pay it back, as you know this resulted in us falling out. X then lied to the police and told them I was stealing money. After providing all of my statements to the authorities my name was completely cleared and I have never stolen from my mum. It was deemed that X allegation was "malicious" (their words). I have proof if you ever want to see it but otherwise please leave me alone.

OhCaptain · 05/09/2020 11:41

I wonder why a supposed friend would do something like that!

The thing is, you can’t control whether they believe it or not. I would say that if they were your real friends they would have at least questioned it.

You have nothing to prove. But if you feel like you need some sort of closure, I’d maybe send a group text saying something like:

“My mother passed last week and just so you know, SS investigated Jane’s claims and ruled it a malicious report because it was obvious that I hadn’t stolen a penny. I don’t know why she would do this, just like I don’t know why my supposed friends would blindly believe it. I’m just thankful that her maliciousness didn’t get my mother taken away. I was able to take care of her until the end. I’m moving on after this but I wanted to say my piece. I just hope in future you all treat people with more kindness and respect than you’ve treated me.”

idontthinkicare · 05/09/2020 11:41

@dollypartonscoat that sounds good thanks for that.
One of the girls said something the other day that could only mean she knew about it.
Also she's been asking so many questions about my mums money that she was claiming.
In a way I can't blame these girls because this "friend" is such a goof liar.
She's made accusations about people in the past so she has form.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 05/09/2020 11:43

@NoParticularPattern

I’ve had this and no. I wouldn’t bother to try to change peoples minds. If they are willing to believe the lies without question then they are not people you need in your life, much less as friends. Move on. Yeah it’s hard but you’ll find that a lot of those who believe things without question would probably say one thing to your face and then still go running back to the person who make the accusations as if they’re their best mate anyway.

I mean it does depend on what was said- in my case it was horrible hateful bile spewing that hurt me and damaged peoples opinions of me, but it wasn’t like I was being accused of something illegal. I think if it was a really serious accusation- child molesting or money laundering for instance- then I’d have been more inclined to attempt to clear my name, but I wouldn’t have had any expectations of a relationship with those whose immediate response to hearing the accusations was to believe them and side with the accuser. It would be nice if people would admit that they were wrong and to apologise but I invariably find that those who struggle to do so aren’t worth the bother anyway.

That!

I do feel for the op and cannot imagine why a 'friend' would do what she did to her, it's horrendous.

It's an unfortunate fact that there are people who take a delight in thinking the worst of anyone.

idontthinkicare · 05/09/2020 11:43

@OhCaptain that is just what I want to say.
I'm terrible with words and putting my feelings out there.
This person has form of doing things ..affairs with friends husbands,accusing her mother's boyfriend or touching her etc etc
I just thought she would never treat me the same way.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 05/09/2020 11:47

[quote idontthinkicare]@OhCaptain that is just what I want to say.
I'm terrible with words and putting my feelings out there.
This person has form of doing things ..affairs with friends husbands,accusing her mother's boyfriend or touching her etc etc
I just thought she would never treat me the same way.[/quote]
Then as hard as this was for you, down the line it’ll be a blessing in disguise because it got her out of your life!

Say your piece, leave all their toxicity behind, and concentrate on yourself.

I’m so sorry about your mum and gran. Flowers

idontthinkicare · 05/09/2020 11:54

Would you all tell the girls about money I had left to me in the past from my grandad?
I shouldn't have to explain but I feel I need to justify how I can have spa breaks etc only working part time.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 05/09/2020 11:55

Not at all! They don’t need to know that. They only need to know that they let you down when you needed them and that they did it based on nothing but malicious lies!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/09/2020 11:55

Drop the lot of them, OP. People like this are not worth your time, and if they truly believe such hideous things about you they are not friends, and its best that you know this from the outset.

I've been in a fairly similar position. In my case, I'd reported a creepy colleague for sexually harrassing me over a period of months. My employers found in my favour and he was dismissed. When the grievance process was eventually fulfilled, I was given the opportunity to read statements from some colleagues in my department. Two had witnessed odd things themselves and supported me. The other two - both of whom I'd previously respected and liked - did a number on me with a fullscale character assassination in support of creepy colleague - they'd worked with him for aeons and not seen anything amiss - with strong implications that I must be lying.

As events transpired, of course he'd done it before; even been reported before, but the management of the time ignored the women's concerns and brushed the whole thing under the carpet.
As for the two whose statements I read, I now keep at the periphery of my department and if I met them outside work they are people I'd cross the street in front of a speeding bus to avoid. If they want to side with a sex pest against the victim he abused, I will not give them one second more of my time. They get a frosty 'hello' and that is all.

I hope you can move on from every one of those awful people, OP. Let them see that whilst they might not value you, you value yourself.

So sorry about the loss of your mum Flowers

TheWindowDonkey · 05/09/2020 11:59

We have had this. It got very serious they called police and ss onto us. We were cleared of everything, as we knew we would be, but even though we knew our innocence, the impact The whole situation had on our social circles (they tried to turn a lot of mutual frinds against us with their lies) and on the whole family meant we seriously considered involving solicitors.
It took me 6 months of Therapy to get over.my therpist confirmend that he was most def a narcissist and a very manupulative man and that we had been strong to get through his games.
However, at the time it was going on we held our heads high and knew that those who knew us would know we were utterly innocent and those who didn’t...didn't count to us anyway.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/09/2020 11:59

Re. your last update (X-posted) don't justify anything to anyone. When someone tries to defile your character, the very best thing you can do is not to engage on any level. It's unlikely to convince bigots who have already made their minds up, unfortunately, and the sad thing is that the more you try to convince them, the more they'll be convinced of the truth of their own position. That way you lose your dignity, irrespective of whether or not you're in the right.

Aside from which, it's none of their bloody business.

ShellsAndSunrises · 05/09/2020 12:01

No. Don’t explain, you’ll just provide more info to be gossiped about.

These people aren’t real friends. If you want to say something, send what OhCaptain said and then move on from them all. They’ve all behaved pretty horrendously - even if the woman is an incredible liar, good friends would have talked to you openly about it, if they’d even started to believe it could be true. Not played Chinese whispers and dropped weird hints.

TheWindowDonkey · 05/09/2020 12:02

I wouldnt try to change peoples minds. Yu can tell your side to it if you feel you want to...but somepeople are so persuasive theyll have others believing that chicken shit is gold...and theres nothing you can do about it.

BBCONEANDTWO · 05/09/2020 12:02

@idontthinkicare

I was a carer for my mum. I had savings of my own. My mum was quite poorly and I was in charge of her finances. This person (an ex friend) rang the police stating I was stealing my mums money. After showing social services bank statements/receipts the knew this call was malicious. This "friend" told my other "friends" this and they believed her. They don't know it's been investigated and they keep dropping sly comments about people going to jail for fraud. My mum died last week and I'm heartbroken. This bitch has made my life hell and people I thought were my friend believed her. I want to tell them that someone was in touch and they realised it was malicious and more fool them for believing her poison.
OMG something very very similar happened to me with my father - SS were involved and everything - it was terrible being accused and having to prove it - which I did but it was still horrible.

I wouldn't even bother trying to 'clear' your name - your name is already clear - just get on with your life and your grief - condolences to you and I'm so sorry you must be hurting really bad.

idontthinkicare · 05/09/2020 12:04

@BBCONEANDTWO I felt like a criminal even tho I knew I did nothing wrong.
I'm just please SS knew it was malicious and left me alone.

OP posts:
TheWindowDonkey · 05/09/2020 12:04

Im sorry that you have been through this, and that your Mum died. What a difficult time for you. X

OrangeCinnamon1 · 05/09/2020 12:04

Flowers @idontthinkicare

You are upset because you have a good nature, it is hurtful when you believe in right and wrong and someone totally destroys that and acts in an unimaginable way.
Allow yourself to feel sad about it. Then don't let them hold any power over you.

Post one of the messages as above, make sure it is seen then tell them to get to the farside of fuck. Don't respond further wheedling or queries ar even platitudes. These people do not deserve you as friends.

MikeUniformMike · 05/09/2020 12:12

Do you have any proof of what has been said, by whom, to whom?

BlankTimes · 05/09/2020 12:13

So sorry to hear what you've had to go through Flowers

Would you all tell the girls about money I had left to me in the past from my grandad? I shouldn't have to explain but I feel I need to justify how I can have spa breaks etc only working part time

No, no and no again.

Your finances are NOT anyone else's business. They are confidential.

Do not show "friends" your bank statements or anything else. You do not have to justify yourself to anyone.

[copied from 2 different posts of the OP]
In a way I can't blame these girls because this "friend" is such a goof liar. She's made accusations about people in the past so she has form
This person has form of doing things ..affairs with friends husbands,accusing her mother's boyfriend or touching her etc etc

Then in time they will realise what a liar and a complete cow she is.

Hold your head high, you've done nothing wrong.

BBCONEANDTWO · 05/09/2020 12:14

[quote idontthinkicare]@BBCONEANDTWO I felt like a criminal even tho I knew I did nothing wrong.
I'm just please SS knew it was malicious and left me alone.[/quote]
So did I it was awful. Had to go to a meeting with SS and show all statements etc I was livid because I knew I hadn't done anything.

Hold your head high you've helped and loved your mum.

Your 'friend' that started this must be a very very unhappy person. She will get caught in her lies - it's hard to keep up with a lie. Honest people don't have to worry about what they've said because it is the truth.

Take care.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/09/2020 12:16

I am sorry for your loss.

Don’t be surprised if a couple of months later one of your friends pops up with a tale of woe about how x has treated her too. These types always move to a new victim.

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