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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DD to get a present?

69 replies

birthdaypresent · 04/09/2020 13:30

DD2 turning 13 this month. DD1 (15) says she's not getting her a present because "she doesn't deserve one". Her argument is that DD2 has had an awful attitude with her for the past few weeks, which is true, but I think it's just a combination of teenage hormones & being around each other constantly due to lockdown. I did offer to give her money for a present and she still refused. She'd definitely be disappointed if DD2 didn't get her anything. AIBU to expect her to get something?

OP posts:
sapnupuas · 04/09/2020 13:31

She's 15. Tell her.

LouiseTrees · 04/09/2020 13:34

Just buy something. Label it from her and then dock it from the 15 year olds allowance.

LST · 04/09/2020 13:36

I would not force my dc to buy gifts for each other. If they've fallen out then surely that needs sorting first?

TinySleepThief · 04/09/2020 13:37

Ask her how she would feel of you adopted her attitude to present buying?

It's perfectly normal for teenagers, especially siblings, to have attitudes and not get on but that doesn't mean she shouldn't buy her a gift. Its hardly going to make their relationship better if she ignores her sisters birthday.

Personally I'd be teling her she has to buy a gift.

Rhubarbcrumblerules · 04/09/2020 13:38

my two DD's have never really got on and have never bought each other a gift. A birthday card if pushed.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2020 13:38

I think if you expect the 15 to to buy the present or if her own money then you have to accept when she decides not to. The 12 yo can choose what to do on the 15 yos birthday as it sounds like you expect them to buy their own too.

If you want to control presents, you have to pay for them

seayork2020 · 04/09/2020 13:39

I don't know why a person HAS to buy I gift, I would not want to receive a gift because someone was forced to buy me one

TheClawww · 04/09/2020 13:40

Sounds like a good life lesson to me - treat someone badly, don't get a gift.

Original poster
birthdaypresent · 04/09/2020 13:40

Sorry, not sure if I explained it correctly. Money is not the issue, I'm happy to pay but I'm wondering if I'm BU in wanting her to choose something.

OP posts:
Malikka · 04/09/2020 13:41

My children have never bought presents for each other at birthdays or Christmas, they exchange cards (if I buy them).

I'd say YABU

daisypond · 04/09/2020 13:46

Mine would fight at that age but in general they got they on. They always got presents for each other, always well thought out because they tended to know what the other would want - much more than me! I would be shocked if mine didn’t get presents for each other, even if I paid for them.

Brefugee · 04/09/2020 13:49

Let them sort it out themselves. If DD2 doesn't get a present from DD1 she'll react accordingly, i assume.

GrumpyHoonMain · 04/09/2020 13:53

I would be making it clear to the 15 yo that her 16th birthday celebrations would be tied to her behaviour leading up to it. If it’s unacceptable she won’t get anything from either of you. If she agrees with that then fine.

1forAll74 · 04/09/2020 13:55

I wouldn't get involved with this issue. Your older daughter can make her own decisions about not buying a present for her Sister.

RedskyAtnight · 04/09/2020 13:56

Up to the 15 year old. Equally up to the 13 year old if she chooses to not bother with a present for her sister next time either.
My slightly older teens sometimes get each other things and sometimes don't.

The point of a present is that you want to give the recipient something, surely?

Leeds2 · 04/09/2020 13:57

I wouldn't force her to buy/give a present. Lack of a gift might make the 13 year old think about the effect of her poor behaviour. If she is unhappy, maybe she won't buy a gift when it is the 17 year old's birthday. It will give them both something to think about!

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 04/09/2020 14:25

Difficult one. I'd talk to her like an adult and ask how she would feel if her sister decided to ignore her birthday. Explain that it's hurtful (if the norm is that they buy for each other), won't improve the relationship and that maybe birthdays should be celebrated regardless of other clashes.
If she's insistent on not doing it, I wouldn't force it. Gifts have to be freely given to mean anything.
If she doesn't bother, then I'd also explain to younger DD that behaviour has consequences and gifts are not an entitlement.
I certainly wouldn't threaten to link my own gift giving to DD1 future behaviour - parental love is unconditional and to threaten this would be emotional blackmail and also won't improve sibling relationship.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 04/09/2020 14:43

Children don't buy for each other in my family. Parents buy for them. As me and my brother are now grown ups we do buy for each other and the parents.

LonginesPrime · 04/09/2020 14:49

What's the point in a nice gesture like giving a gift if it's done under duress?

Talk to her about it by all means, but it sounds like you're becoming far too involved in the relationship between your DDs.

What's the point of making DD give the gift if her heart's not in it? What are you trying to achieve here? To protect DD13 from her sister's choices? To instil in DD15 a sense of duty that should override her true feelings?

IMO, OP, by forcing DD15 to give a present, you run the risk of blowing the whole present-giving gesture out of all proportion for both girls and of minimising DD15's feelings and teaching her that your wishes and social obligation is more important than her own agency and feelings.

Leaannb · 04/09/2020 15:30

@birthdaypresent

Sorry, not sure if I explained it correctly. Money is not the issue, I'm happy to pay but I'm wondering if I'm BU in wanting her to choose something.
YABU...Why are you so worried about a guft when you need to be worrying about the rift. Your attitude about your younger daughter acting out so badly is frankly disgusting. It is invalidating your older daughter's feelings and pushing a gift will only make it worse
Stinkywizzleteets · 04/09/2020 15:34

I’m on the fence on this. My brothers never got/get me a birthday present. The present from my mum was always the family present... but I like my kids to consider their siblings and at least get them a token gift. I’d do the if you’re under my roof you play by my rules thing but I appreciate others think differently.

user1477391263 · 04/09/2020 15:40

Tell them to talk about this and sort it out among themselves. If they are having a stroppy phase and want to agree no-gifts in either direction, that is their choice. But the 13yo should have the right to know that her elder sister is not planning on getting her something, if it's likely that the 13yo is going to buy the 15yo something.

MaskingForIt · 04/09/2020 15:46

DD1 (15) says she's not getting her a present because "she doesn't deserve one". Her argument is that DD2 has had an awful attitude with her for the past few weeks, which is true,

Remind DD15 that if you’re the sort of family that makes gifts conditional on ‘deserving’ them, she had better make sure she never does anything wrong or you’ll decide that she doesn’t ‘deserve’ a present either.

Undies1990 · 04/09/2020 15:51

I wouldn't get involved with this situation and leave them to it.
Maybe this is one of those 'choose your battles' moments.

AlternativePerspective · 04/09/2020 15:54

The term here is gift` the person gives one because they want to, not because they’re told to do so.

Maybe your DD1 actually doesn’t like her sister and doesn’t want to get her a present. That’s her prerogative and not for you to get involved in.

If a friend treated me like shit I wouldn’t buy them a present. Why should a sister be any different?