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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DD to get a present?

69 replies

birthdaypresent · 04/09/2020 13:30

DD2 turning 13 this month. DD1 (15) says she's not getting her a present because "she doesn't deserve one". Her argument is that DD2 has had an awful attitude with her for the past few weeks, which is true, but I think it's just a combination of teenage hormones & being around each other constantly due to lockdown. I did offer to give her money for a present and she still refused. She'd definitely be disappointed if DD2 didn't get her anything. AIBU to expect her to get something?

OP posts:
Mustbethewine · 04/09/2020 15:58

If she doesn't want to buy her sister a gift then she doesn't want you. Whats the point in forcing her?

Yeahnahmum · 04/09/2020 16:03

I never bought my sibling a present when i was young. Ever.
Didnt even know i was supposed to 😂

monkeymonkey2010 · 04/09/2020 16:05

Her argument is that DD2 has had an awful attitude with her for the past few weeks, which is true
YABU......she's allowed to set her own boundaries with people - especially family.

Thisismytimetoshine · 04/09/2020 16:06

I really wouldn't force it.

Tistheseason17 · 04/09/2020 16:06

I bet DD1 was given a present by DD2 when SHE was a stroppy 12/13 yr old - perhaps remind DD1 of this.

Sally872 · 04/09/2020 16:06

I would try to reason with dd1 explain that you are aware dd2 has been unreasonable but that birthdays are not a good time to point score or continue grudges. A birthday gift is to celebrate dd2 being here and while she may be difficult right now we do love her. But at the end of the day it is her choice. I would be really disappointed though and I would tell dd1 that she loses moral high ground if she is unkind to sister on birthday. Offer to chose and wrap it for her as well as pay if needed.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 04/09/2020 16:13

I would be making it clear to the 15 yo that her 16th birthday celebrations would be tied to her behaviour leading up to it. If it’s unacceptable she won’t get anything from either of you. If she agrees with that then fine.

This is a terrible idea. It’s essentially telling the 15 year-old that the 13 year-old can behave as badly as she likes - if she doesn’t suck it up and buy her a present, she will be the one who gets punished. A great way to make her feel undervalued and that the 13 year-old is the favourite.

Over600Ecalypts · 04/09/2020 16:21

If DD1 can't be persuaded to get a gift for DD2, what happens next? When would DD2 find out that DD1 isn't planning on getting her a birthday present? On her birthday, when she's opening gifts? If so, that would be really mean.

If DD1 is so determined to not choose a gift for DD2, is she also prepared to tell DD2 herself before the birthday? Something to talk through with DD1, maybe.

unmarkedbythat · 04/09/2020 16:24

That seems a bit spiteful on your elder DD's part.

Are birthday presents generally linked to behaviour in your family?

wildcherries · 04/09/2020 16:24

YWBU to force it.

Angelina82 · 04/09/2020 16:28

Buying presents for people should be a choice not a duty. Let your kid decide for herself.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 04/09/2020 16:43

I don’t think this is really a normal thing to do. In my family and the ones I know, gifts are given to the children from their parents. I don’t know of siblings in the same household who buy presents for one another. I know with my brother and sisters, we only started giving each other presents when me moved out of the family home. Would your dd even notice if there isn’t a present specifically labelled from her sister?

edwinbear · 04/09/2020 16:44

I'd be heartbroken if my DC grew up to dislike each other so much, that didn't want to buy their sibling a token birthday present.

daisypond · 04/09/2020 16:48

I don’t think this is really a normal thing to do.

Really? I thought most would get presents for their siblings. It’s always been one of the best bits of birthdays. Mine spend ages thinking what the others would like, for birthday and Christmas, and then from teenage years upwards they would organise and buy them themselves too. Just little things, no huge money spent.They’re in their late teens and early 20s now and it’s the same.

Freddiefox · 04/09/2020 16:48

We don’t only give gifts because people deserve them. We give gifts because that what we do on birthdays.

Children and adults still get Christmas/birthday present even when not being overly nice.

Thisismytimetoshine · 04/09/2020 16:52

@Freddiefox

We don’t only give gifts because people deserve them. We give gifts because that what we do on birthdays.

Children and adults still get Christmas/birthday present even when not being overly nice.

From parents, certainly. They won't get gifts from people they're not being particularly nice to from many other people. That's life 🤷🏻‍♀️
WhereYouLeftIt · 04/09/2020 16:58

@MaskingForIt

DD1 (15) says she's not getting her a present because "she doesn't deserve one". Her argument is that DD2 has had an awful attitude with her for the past few weeks, which is true,

Remind DD15 that if you’re the sort of family that makes gifts conditional on ‘deserving’ them, she had better make sure she never does anything wrong or you’ll decide that she doesn’t ‘deserve’ a present either.

Absolutely this.

Your daughters' relationship with each other will span quite a few decades. Having a bag on because your little sister's been a pain for a few weeks aged 13 shouldn't be allowed to poison that well for years. Your eldest is being spiteful and childish.

LEELULUMPKIN · 04/09/2020 17:01

@Ukholidaysaregreat It was the same in our family growing up, I never got my Sisters anything nor they me until we started earning our own money.

We got joint gifts off our Mum, Dad and two Sisters. Admittedly we didn't have a lot of money but I never gave it a second thought and am surprised that it's such a common thing, which it does seem to be if this thread is anything to go by.

As for your DD's OP I wouldn't force her to get her Sister anything or buy anything on her behalf.

As PPs have said its a good life lesson for both of them.

lifesalongsong · 04/09/2020 17:02

@Yeahnahmum

I never bought my sibling a present when i was young. Ever. Didnt even know i was supposed to 😂
Me neither Smile

I never exchanged presents with my siblings, my dc don't and I know my nieces and nephews don't either.

It's never occurred to me that it would be a thing

HermioneGranger20 · 04/09/2020 17:06

YABU OP

liveitwell · 04/09/2020 17:09

We never used to buy eachother presents when kids. Our parents bought us stuff and that was that. Non-issue to me.

daisypond · 04/09/2020 17:10

I’m just completely flabbergasted that it doesn’t seem to be the norm, judging by this thread. I thought it was standard. Mine really do put lots of thought into it. They’re close in age and all girls and always shared a room- maybe that has something to do with it. Even if they fight and are horrid to each other at times, they still love each other. When they were little, I’d buy a present on their behalf. But they always made cards even then. They still make cards now.

Longtalljosie · 04/09/2020 17:13

A member of DH’s family uses gifts to “punish” people who’ve fallen short of expected standards. It’s shitty. Put a stop to it. There are other avenues for saying she’s unhappy with DD2’s behaviour and she doesn’t get to hand out punishments, especially on her birthday

honeygirlz · 04/09/2020 17:14

It’s nice if they want to but don’t force it, that way lies resentment. It’s so fake if they’re not feeling it and pointless.

sydenhamhiller · 04/09/2020 17:14

@daisypond

I don’t think this is really a normal thing to do.

Really? I thought most would get presents for their siblings. It’s always been one of the best bits of birthdays. Mine spend ages thinking what the others would like, for birthday and Christmas, and then from teenage years upwards they would organise and buy them themselves too. Just little things, no huge money spent.They’re in their late teens and early 20s now and it’s the same.

YY @daisypond. Mine really appreciate the cards especially - they are sweet in their cards to each other, in a way they could/would never say out loud. My teens (DS16, DD14) buy each other gifts, and my younger one (8) tells me what she wants to get, and I buy it. I just sort of happened, I don't remember really thinking about it.

As regards your dilemma OP: I've read it out to my kids, and their sympathies are with the older sibling. But both older ones agreed that not giving a present would 'make it a bigger thing'. It's hard: perhaps, like other posters have said, it would be helpful to talk to each one, giving the other's point of view?

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