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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DD to get a present?

69 replies

birthdaypresent · 04/09/2020 13:30

DD2 turning 13 this month. DD1 (15) says she's not getting her a present because "she doesn't deserve one". Her argument is that DD2 has had an awful attitude with her for the past few weeks, which is true, but I think it's just a combination of teenage hormones & being around each other constantly due to lockdown. I did offer to give her money for a present and she still refused. She'd definitely be disappointed if DD2 didn't get her anything. AIBU to expect her to get something?

OP posts:

honeygirlz · 04/09/2020 17:15

Even if they fight and are horrid to each other at times, they still love each other.

Not buying a present doesn’t mean you don’t love them.

Anuta77 · 04/09/2020 17:18

I wouldn't make my children buy each other presents by force. I wasn't buying presents for my sister when we were that age. Now that we are adults, we do and it cames from us. Which reminds me that I actually forgot to buy her a present this year and I'm late on it!

daisypond · 04/09/2020 17:27

@honeygirlz

Even if they fight and are horrid to each other at times, they still love each other.

Not buying a present doesn’t mean you don’t love them.

I know it doesn’t. That’s a fair point. But mine would always want to get the other a present on their birthday or Christmas. They always got excited about it. I wouldn’t force it, though. It’s just something that has never come up for us.

MagpieSong · 04/09/2020 17:28

I'd get them to chat separately and try to sort out whatever the issue is between them. I'd talk to the one who's behaviour hasn't been nice and see if they'll apologise (without mentioning the present) as I think it sounds like they need some prodding. Without knowing what the issue is, it's tricky to say, but I wouldn't like the grudgey 'not buying you a present now' thing. I just think it's a bit overdramatic. Has something upset DD2 recently? Some children are pretty stressed around going back to school and your DD1 might need a reminder that sometimes relationships get tense if one person is stressed. As I say, I'd try and address the issue first with both and then look at the present thing after.

CustardySergeant · 04/09/2020 17:34

I think you should respect your older daughter's decision not to buy her sister a birthday present. She's got a valid reason after all, it's not as if she just can't be bothered. At 15 I think she's entitled to make that decision.

whirlwindwallaby · 04/09/2020 17:35

I never gave presents to my close in age sibling as a child. I started buying for my youngest sibling (10 year gap) at about 15, but that was in a semi-parental role. I don't think I bought for the other until we were both adults.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2020 17:36

Agree with a pp.

Ask your daughter if she really wishes to set a precendent and make gifts conditional on deserving them, because you all then need to adopt the same strategy.

Ask her to think about that really hard.

diddl · 04/09/2020 17:38

Perhaps suggest that a bad attitude for a few weeks doesn't write off things being OK for the rest of the year?

I wouldn't threaten her re any present from you for her next bday, but would let her younger sister follow suit if she wishes.

TheUnwindingCableCar · 04/09/2020 17:45

Why does she have to get a gift? I don't buy gifts for people I've fallen out with, even if they're family. I wouldn't force my kids to do this. Seems weird.

AngryPrincess · 04/09/2020 17:53

I wouldn’t make herbuy one, no. Think that will make their relationship worse not better.

DopamineHits · 04/09/2020 18:16

Just buy something. Label it from her and then dock it from the 15 year olds allowance.

Or alternatively, you could respect her feelings and not treat her like a 7 year old who doesn't know her own mind.

Wineiscooling · 04/09/2020 18:53

Mine don't buy presents for each other, they are younger than yours but I'd leave them to it. Your 15 year old is old enough to make her own decision about this.

Commonwasher · 04/09/2020 22:00

I think I would point out that, at 13, DD1 didn’t really behave in a way that deserved presents, but her 11yr old sister had the grace to overlook it.

She can choose her sister a gift or you’ll choose and dock it from her allowance.

Cornishclio · 04/09/2020 22:08

I think if she won't buy one then you should not make her. She will either feel guilty if she upsets her sister or DD2 will realise that if she is awful to DD1 she won't get a present. Hopefully they will grow out of this phase soon.

BarbedBloom · 04/09/2020 22:40

I never bought my sibling a present growing up. Not that i would have, he was a demon.

honeygirlz · 04/09/2020 23:30

And I’m betting dd13 won’t be cajoled into buying a present for dd15 in her birthday.

MrsApplepants · 05/09/2020 01:00

I think it’s fine for your DD1 not to buy DD2 a gift. But she needs to own her decision and be there when DD2 opens her gifts and realises that her sister has chosen not to acknowledge her birthday in that way. DD1 needs to decide if her sisters potential hurt over this is worth the lesson she seems to be trying to teach her. But absolutely her choice, yes.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 05/09/2020 13:43

I'd be heartbroken if my DC grew up to dislike each other so much, that didn't want to buy their sibling a token birthday present.

So you think forcing them into it against their wishes would be better, just because YOU would be upset otherwise?

It’s one birthday. They have plenty of time to make things up - of their own accord. It will be much more meaningful if it’s a choice.

lifesalongsong · 05/09/2020 15:41

@StillCoughingandLaughing

I'd be heartbroken if my DC grew up to dislike each other so much, that didn't want to buy their sibling a token birthday present.

So you think forcing them into it against their wishes would be better, just because YOU would be upset otherwise?

It’s one birthday. They have plenty of time to make things up - of their own accord. It will be much more meaningful if it’s a choice.

Odd that you equate how you feel about someone with the materialistic act of buying gifts for them.

Gift giving other than from parents to children wasn't a thing in my childhood and isn't for my children either, it has nothing to do with how much we love each other

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