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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset that partner wants to move out

100 replies

purplepolo · 03/09/2020 18:18

my partner recently moved in, about 2-3 months ago and is saying he's moving back to his parents. This is because my sister has come back twice in those times (the most recent one being last night) with a one night stand. Ive had a word with her and shes not to do that anymore, shes young etc but I dont want some random boy coming into my home.

Anyway, when my partner woke up this morning, my sister and the boy were in the living room, and this pissed him off and he got ready for work and stormed off saying he's moving back to his dads.

Aibu to be upset by that? I almost feel like ive done something wrong when I know i haven't? But its really got to me. He got the majority of his things this evening after work and has gone back to his dads house.

He doesn't seem to understand why I'm upset, ive said to him that ive told my sister shes not to do this anymore, i thought the first time was just a one off so I didnt say anything, so now I've made it clear that its not to happen again.

So aibu to be upset about it?

OP posts:

cuparfull · 03/09/2020 20:21

Hell, if he's acting like this now, just running out rather than discussing the issues with you, then it doesn't bode well for the future. How can you ever hope to resolve future disagreements if he just vacates the premises.
Or was his leaving an excuse to end the relationship in which case you may have had a lucky escape.

2Rebecca · 03/09/2020 20:21

It isn't clear why your sister ever has to stay overnight at your place. Once every week or 2 is still a lot for someone with their own place. We have visitors by mutual agreement. We're both quite territorial. Your sister needs to stay at her own place all the time. It doesn't sound as though she's desperate to spend time with you or you and your boyfriend

zigaziga · 03/09/2020 20:29

I’m with him really, it sounds a really odd set up where your sister just comes in as and when she wants with random men.
It’s not what I’d want.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/09/2020 20:29

Some of the comments above about the sister are a bit uptight. Don’t you remember being young and wanting to have some fun? If you were in a flat share, you could meet randoms in the kitchen in the mornings fairly frequently.

Neither of my flatshares allowed this for safety reasons. We all agreed with it. I would not be pleased if I woke up and on a way to the toilet bumped into some stranger.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/09/2020 20:31

Is he really a partner of a boyfriend?

I get tired of seeing partner used when people really mean a boyfriend.

Partner to me is the equivalent of a spouse but without the wedding ceremony. it's having a joint home, sharing bills, planning a long term future.

It's not someone you are dating who moves in and out at whim.

How old are you all?

Do you rent or own this house?

Why does your boyfriend have to go to his parents and not into his own home of some sort?

PerveenMistry · 03/09/2020 20:36

@1Morewineplease

We need more information here. Does your sister live with you? If not, is she allowed to turn up for the night whenever?

I suspect that your partner moved in with you with a view to being partners living together, but he feels that he's living in digs as your sister waltzes in, whenever, with a bloke in tow.

I know how I'd feel, if I were your boyfriend.

Agree with this. He likely envisioned a home for the two of you, not a house share with random strangers unexpectedly on the sofa or at the breakfast table. I wouldn't tolerate that either.

PerveenMistry · 03/09/2020 20:39

@AlternativePerspective

Find yourself an adult to have a relationship with where you approach issues as a team. or maybe he should find himself an adult to live with who has better boundaries than to allow her sister and random shags to crash at her’s.

I’m guessing she doesn’t take them back to wherever she lives because it wouldn’t be tolerated there, and with good reason.

All of this. It just sounds seedy.

PerveenMistry · 03/09/2020 20:41

@purplepolo

I agree with you all which is why I've told my sister shes not to do that anymore. I thought the first time would have just been a one off, but shes done it again which takes the piss so I've told her not to because its disrespectful. Ive said this to him which is why i dont understand why he'd still just want to up and go, just a bit hurt by it when I've clarified to him that I agree I dont like it, and its not going to happen anymore

Well, either he doesn't believe your ban will stick, or the situation has led him to cool on you and your family, or he was rethinking anyway and this provided the excuse he needed. I wouldn't pressure him to move back.

What are the ages of everyone involved?

2Rebecca · 03/09/2020 20:43

You seem to have taken on the role of permissive mother to wayward teenage child with your sister rather than having a healthier adult adult relationship, although you're maybe all quite young if your boyfriend otherwise lives with his parents and isn't financially independant

PerveenMistry · 03/09/2020 20:45

@HeddaGarbled

Truth is, he wants you to choose between him and your sister. If it wasn’t the one night stand thing, it would be something else.

It’s difficult to know whether it’s the right time for you to prioritise partner over family (as most people do eventually) - depends on how old you all are, how long you’ve been with your boyfriend, whether he’s a wannabe cocklodger or a decent partner etc.

I don't think wanting privacy in one's home = making OP choose between them.

Surely most people don't have family members popping in without notice to entertain unknown strangers. Unwillingness to live that way is not abnormal or controlling.

jessstan2 · 03/09/2020 20:47

It sounds as though the pandemic hasn't existed for the op, her partner and sister (never mind sister's boyfriends).

SimonJT · 03/09/2020 20:47

I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with that, I wouldn’t live in a house share with a partner, so I wouldn’t live in a home with the arrangement you and your sister have.

When I did live in a house share no one ever bought anyone home, it was a rule we all had.

Did you have discussions about what living together meant etc before he moved in?

wildcherries · 03/09/2020 20:48

@jessstan2

It sounds as though the pandemic hasn't existed for the op, her partner and sister (never mind sister's boyfriends).

I thought this as well tbh.

steff13 · 03/09/2020 20:48

Did he say anything the first time it happened? I tend to agree with him here. I wouldn't appreciate waking up to a stranger in my home. Particularly when the person who invited the stranger was a guest herself. Is there a reason why she brings her ONS to your home?

2Rebecca · 03/09/2020 20:56

Agree re Covid rules. I assumed the OP lived in some country where having randoms in your house was OK. It definitely isn't here in Scotland, even the sister wouldn't be allowed

LovingLola · 03/09/2020 21:40

How long are you with him?

BranchAndPoppy · 03/09/2020 21:49

I adore my sister, but it would be a cold day in hell before I let her use my house, , "like a hotel". I definitely think once you move in with a partner, the dynamic has to change a bit, because it is his home too.

If I moved in with a boyfriend and his brother kept letting himself in, bringing a random woman with him, and I then had to make small talk with her in my living room while I got ready for work the next morning, I'd probably be really annoyed too.

But I wouldn't leave without discussing it. Maybe he just CBA to discuss it and would rather forget it. But that doesn't show much commitment to the relationship tbh.

rorosemary · 03/09/2020 22:04

Why does your sister still have your keys then? If she needs to stay over she can call you first.

If it's supposed to be his home too then he needs to feel at home and secure. Having a sister and/or strangers turn up in the middle of tge night is unsetteling. Just telling her off isn't enough. She shouldn't use your keys. She should call you if she feels like visiting. Then you discuss with your partner if that date will work. There is no reason for her to turn up in the middle of the night.

rwalker · 03/09/2020 22:14

He's moved it even though it's your house it's supposed to be his home .
I wouldn't like it your sister dragging randoms back and shagging them.

If it was his house he would of no doubt kicked them out there and then but because its your house he has to tell you proberly just feels like a lodger in your house .

FinallyHere · 03/09/2020 22:58

It's me or your sister. time to choose who you love more'.

I dont see it as him forcing her to choose between them. He is saying he isnt happy with the arrangements at you house, so is moving out again.

That seems fair enough to me.

Having a serious word with your sister the second time she uses your living room for a one night stand wouldn't work for me, either.

monkeymonkey2010 · 04/09/2020 17:17

i wouldn't want to 'move in' somewhere that didn't feel like my home either - or with someone else's family, or where other people regularly stayed over.

Did you expect him to pay to live in YOUR house but have no right to feel comfortable or have his voice heard?
I get that you used to have your sister stay over regular, but once you move a partner in then some things need to change....

He's better off house-sharing with his own family than with yours.

sst1234 · 04/09/2020 17:23

OP, you should be more confused and upset with your sister than your partner. She is the one disrespecting your wishes and boundaries. Your partner is just choosing where he lives. He is not breaking your boundaries. Your focus is misplaced.

Commonwasher · 04/09/2020 22:12

I’d be more concerned that DP left without a proper conversation about the issue, than that he left...

SandyY2K · 04/09/2020 22:28

I would do the same as him and move out....not waking up to random guys in the house.

When ppl want to have ONS then it should be in your own house.

He's done nothing wrong bu moving out and he's not asking you to chose.

You obviously don't have an issue with your sister using your place to have sex with any guy she picks up (which is your choice) and he doesn't want to be in the middle of it all.

If you want him to move back in the future....then things worked need to change.

I actually think your BF sounds like a decent and sensible man tbh.

2Rebecca · 05/09/2020 08:02

It sounds as though he left without a discussion because he was going to work. He probably felt the sister problem wasn't going to be easily resolved as the OP says she is always welcome and it's not clear why the sister would need to be always welcome to the extent of staying over most weeks. It sounds like he didn't want to take on a stepfather role to accompany the OP's mother role

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