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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset that partner wants to move out

100 replies

purplepolo · 03/09/2020 18:18

my partner recently moved in, about 2-3 months ago and is saying he's moving back to his parents. This is because my sister has come back twice in those times (the most recent one being last night) with a one night stand. Ive had a word with her and shes not to do that anymore, shes young etc but I dont want some random boy coming into my home.

Anyway, when my partner woke up this morning, my sister and the boy were in the living room, and this pissed him off and he got ready for work and stormed off saying he's moving back to his dads.

Aibu to be upset by that? I almost feel like ive done something wrong when I know i haven't? But its really got to me. He got the majority of his things this evening after work and has gone back to his dads house.

He doesn't seem to understand why I'm upset, ive said to him that ive told my sister shes not to do this anymore, i thought the first time was just a one off so I didnt say anything, so now I've made it clear that its not to happen again.

So aibu to be upset about it?

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 03/09/2020 19:50

I wouldn’t like it, I’d want to move out too.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 03/09/2020 19:52

If he wanted to live with you it wouldn't matter.

Terrace58 · 03/09/2020 19:52

I would not be ok with someone in my household bringing home a stranger. If my sister did that even once, she would not be invited back to my home as an overnight guest. I know not everyone feels the same way, but my home is my sanctuary and inviting in strangers is dangerous. So I’m not surprised he is moving out. This is something you chose to let happen again instead of addressing it the first time. It’s your home and your rules so he left.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/09/2020 19:54

How long have you and your partner been together? That's key - anybody can use the term 'partner' but it can cover a range of relationships and that's material.

What was the arrangement for him to move in - is he staying over sometimes or actually, formally moved in?

If he's legitimately your partner in all senses then he just doesn't want to be with you and this was an excuse to get away. Sorry.

If he's just a boyfriend-with-accommodation then you've not lost anything by him going. He should.

momtoboys · 03/09/2020 19:54

Perhaps he is an adult that doesn't want to deal with random people in his home when he wakes up. Either that or after living together for a few months he wants out.

Let me guess. You sister lives at home with your parents?

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/09/2020 19:57

How likely do you think it is that your sister will stick to doing what you've told her to and not bring any more randoms home for a shag? Where does she usually live and is she welcome to bring men home there too, or does she bring them to yours because they are unwelcome where she lives? Isn't it more likely that she will 'forget' the conversation you just had next time she meets a likely bloke/

I'm with your boyfriend, I'm afraid. I don't see your sister going along with your way of thinking for long, especially if she's not allowed to take them anywhere else.

TheSoapyFrog · 03/09/2020 19:57

Well I think he should have spoken to you about it first before moving out, but he obviously didn't feel it was working out and he can move out when he wants.
It was fine your sister dropping in as and when she pleases when it was just you living there but it became his home too when he moved in and that arrangement probably should have ended. He might have felt if he said that to you, you would feel like he was asking you to choose between him and your sister so he took the awkward decision away from you.

Terrace58 · 03/09/2020 19:57

Strangely, not once in my many years of sharing flats did I ever find a random person in my kitchen. No one I would choose to share housing with would do something like that. To be clear, I understand that many people enjoy one night stands and do not feel unsafe bringing strangers home. That is entirely their prerogative. Their lives, their homes, their decision. I just don’t want to be a part of it because I feel unsafe.

fuandylp · 03/09/2020 19:58

I'm afraid it would piss me off if I got up in the morning and went downstairs to find my partner's sister with some random bloke in the living room. I'd hate that.
I really wouldn't be happy at all and I'd want it stopped. This is the second time it has happened and you obviously didn't deal with it the first time so maybe he has assumed you aren't going to deal with it and therefore he prefers to go back to his Dad's.
Or there were other things he's not happy and this was the last straw or a convenient excuse to leave.

wildcherries · 03/09/2020 19:58

I'd be annoyed and leave too. He's not unreasonable.

TitianaTitsling · 03/09/2020 19:59

As he discovered them in the living room, is this where they are shagging? Grim!!
And it's refreshing to see the normalacy of posters doing the 'its a red flag' for not wanting to have randoms enter your home in the middle of the night and shag on your sofa and say it's controlling!!

TitianaTitsling · 03/09/2020 20:00

When I say 'normallacy' I don't agree it's a red flag,just that things are getting back to normal! Grin

LonginesPrime · 03/09/2020 20:00

Some of the comments above about the sister are a bit uptight. Don’t you remember being young and wanting to have some fun? If you were in a flat share, you could meet randoms in the kitchen in the mornings fairly frequently.

It doesn't sound like this is a flatshare, though - it sounds like the boyfriend expected to be moving in with his girlfriend (and presumably paying considerably more than rent would be in a flatshare) to set up home together and OP's sister (who doesn't even live there) is taking the piss.

TorkTorkBam · 03/09/2020 20:03

If I were him I would be upset.

He moved in with you. Just you and him.

One morning he discovers your sister has let herself into the flat in the middle of the night with a bloke she has just met. If I were him I would be outraged. I would be shocked at you doing nothing about it. Maybe you brushed it off as a crazy one off to him. Maybe he assumed, like any reasonable person would, that you had a firm word with your sister.

Then he wakes up another morning to find she has done it again with another random stranger. Finally you act. Not to take her keys mind. You just got her to promise not to do it again.

If I were him I would not feel valued. I would not feel like it was ever going to be "our" flat. I'd be gone too. The apology is too little too late.

Calabasa · 03/09/2020 20:03

Sorry, sounds to me like he was just looking for an excuse.

Let him get on with it!

hammeringinmyhead · 03/09/2020 20:05

She can rent her own flat if she wants to "have fun". Then if Gary who she met in the queue for McDonalds at 2am nicks everything it's her problem.

DawnAnn · 03/09/2020 20:06

I think YABU. I wouldn't want to live somewhere with the worry of a partner's sibling just turning up with random one night stands whenever they feel like it. Not much fun having to make small talk with a complete stranger first thing in the morning when you are just trying to get ready for work.

It sounds like your sister is either jealous of your relationship or attention seeking. Very strange that this behaviour only started after your partner moved in. Why isn't she taking them back to wherever she lives? I would ask her why she feels it appropriate to bring them back to your home. It's really grim behaviour... I think your partner was VERY understanding not to have moved out after the first incident.

speakout · 03/09/2020 20:08

If he’s moved in then it’s his home too, and there’s absolutely no way I would tolerate strangers being brought randomly back home for a shag. That’s the kind of thing you expect in a student house.

Totally agree.

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/09/2020 20:09

If he’s stormed off without talking about it and didn’t make it clear how big a deal it was for him the first time it happened I’d think this was probably just him using it as an excuse.

I don’t think he’s obliged to be OK with living there when your sister brings random people back to overnight, especially since your sister doesn’t even live with you. But it’s not clear that’s really the issue and his temper tantrum and lack of communication with you about it just smacks of immaturity that indicates he really isn’t live-in-partner material yet.

My One creeping doubt, though, is that maybe it isn’t about the specific incident but more about you letting your sister walk all over you More generally - which you may or may not do and he may or may not have mentioned. Your sister has behaved poorly in a way in a way she really has no excuse for and if she is disrespectful to you in other ways too - maybe it’s more about that than about there being a strange guy brought back for the night.

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/09/2020 20:10

(Still storming out and not articulating it indicate it’s probably best he isn’t living with you any more).

Somethingkindaoooo · 03/09/2020 20:11

Op
How old is your sister?

Why is she staying at yours?
Is her relationship with your parents broken?

I lived with my sister as a teen ( unofficially) and her home was my home. My dad was a shit to me, and Iitc honestly saved me to have somewhere else to go.

It doesn't matter what you sister did,your bloke is holding you to ransom. As pp said- if he is your partner, surely he would talk to you about this. Has he?

This seems a bit like an excuse. How has everything else been? Does he do his share/ pay his share?

ivfbeenbusy · 03/09/2020 20:14

So you invited him to share your home - it becomes his home. Then your sister brings random blokes back to shag in his home when she doesn't even live there? Yeah I'd be moving out too 🤷‍♀️

DopamineHits · 03/09/2020 20:18

Let him stay there. If he's not mature enough to discuss issues but immediately flounces, it's probably best for him to be living with his parents. He has some more growing up to do.

tornadoalley · 03/09/2020 20:18

I think once is enough to make him feel unsettled. Admittedly it isn't his home and he accepts your DSis will stop over sometimes, but its still supposed to be the home he has with you, and yet it probably feels like he is living in a brothel.

If he is paying his way, half the rent, and whatever expenses there are, he deserves to feel comfortable in his 'home'. you and sis have made that impossible. I wouldnt want to live in some scruffy student digs with random strangers wandering around, and thats what it sounds like.

Whenwillthisbeover · 03/09/2020 20:19

Tbh, I’d rather live alone, no DP, no DS no random house mates.